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Welcome @TimeIhadaSeasonalNameChange

I'm inclined to agree with nota...you're miles away, your mum has dementia and sadly you will probably never get the recognition you need and deserve so time to step back and look after yourself.

I sometimes find my mum much easier to deal with if I think of her as a random old lady rather than my mum iykwim. It's horrible when I think about it in abstract but sometimes it's the coping mechanism I need.

We came home lunchtime on Boxing Day...honestly the amount of stuff I had to take to and from because she wouldn't come here for Christmas Day was insane. About 6 bags for life of food, drink and kitchen equipment.

Her kitchen is lovely to cook in as much more workspace than mine, but because she doesn't cook the equipment is less than ideal...terrible saucepans, no decent large knives, melamine chopping board the size of a postage stamp, veg peelerthat predates me by about a decade .

Anyway...restful time at home punctuated by mums need to get her flat battery sorted, followed by her immersion heater failing on Boxing Day evening so no hot water. Taking her out today to sort the former and she has someone round to assess the latter this morning although probably won't be fixed until next week.

Then last night had a message from my estranged cousin to let me know his mum passed away yesterday and could I tell my mum (her cousin).

So looks like I'm in for a cracking day...

Easier said than done, I know Time, but why bother? It doesn't sound like your DM is going to change any time soon and see you for the person you are, and recognise your accomplishments, etc. If I do anything good, my golden brother gets the credit, so I just go through the motions with her, and just do the stuff I have to. It annoys her that I don't confide anything in her, or share stuff about my kids, but it's a situation of her making AFAIC.

Can I move in, please? You'd better keep me locked up in the BD Room, mind.

Mum's 82. Widowed 35 years and never stopped grieving (though from the little I know it was an abusive marriage). Had TIAs last year, heart op start of this year which seems to have triggered dementia, and she's rapidly gone downhill. Now in a care home she hates, hundreds of miles from me (bit near family and friends).

We used to be close (too close, fairly enmeshed) but for the last 25 years she's pandered to my sister (aka the Bitch, B) who has never forgiven me for being born and ending her 10 years as an only child. B has narc tendencies, and will tantrum at the slightest chance, so I can see why mu mother has given in so often. However, many, many times it's been to my detriment, and mum's never acknowledged that. The few times I've cried about it in front of her she's either told me off for upsetting her, or told me I'm not really upset.

For years I thought that one day I'd be treated as an equal, but when my week of showing off my dd (at 5 months') between lockdowns last year was dominated and dictated by B, with my mother not thinking anything of it, I realised that would never happen.

And now my mum has no memory of any of it and thinks I'm making it all up and should be friends with B. The fact she's been scared of B for 25 years is yesterday's news. Add to that she believes my achievements (child, PhD) are also B's (heaven forbid I have anything B doesn't!) I'm being totally pushed to the side.

I'm supposed to be sympathetic to her in tears on the phone and forget the last 25 years of pain. It's too hard.

Yes notaflyingmonkey. It might be nice if they at least acknowledged the money involved.

I'd also appreciate a little more about the personal care side. Though I'd get why it wouldn't be appropriate to out his mother as doubly incontinent, or at risk of bedsores. I think the reference to 'skillset' might be a delicate allusion to that. But if you didn't know, you could think that 24 hour care involves sitting on the sofa chatting and knocking up a few meals.

thank you for all the lovely messages of support - crisis over - until the next time.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2021/dec/27/look-after-mum-crucial-independence

I don't know why I persist in reading these sorts of articles - they never reflect the reality for people like me, probably because the relentless slog wouldn't make good copy. And the Guardian's reality invariable is we threw a shed load of money at the situation, and so everyone is happy.

God that's awful.

I can't say as I'm that surprised about the lack of checks though.

When I left my XH I had to register Matrimoinal Homes Rights as family home was only in his name. When it came to be sold I called the Land Reg to let them know it was okay to proceed and they'd already done so!

If you don't have time to listen to the programme, this article covers the same case: www.theguardian.com/money/2021/dec/26/fraudsters-are-using-power-of-attorney-rules-to-steal-peoples-homes

That's scary!

Omg @words I'll have a listen. Maybe I should stop moaning about how hard it us to get information on my mum's accounts using the LPA - it's like blood out of a stone but maybe that's a good thing!

Did anyone here R4's You and Yours earlier? Absolutely jaw dropping case of a forged LPA.

Woman was away from home caring for dying mother. Fraudster appears to have applied to the LA under FOI for a list of empty properties - and was given it.

Then fills in thé LPA form, in the name of a fictitious sister of the victim, witnessed by made up names at real addresses. This forgery was then registered by the Court of Protection with no further check.

The fraudsters then go to a firm of solicitors in another part of the country, using this document to attempt to sell the woman's empty home, where the locks have been changed. First the owner knows of it is a strange email from the owner of the freehold about a seller's info pack.

Fortunately the conveyancing lawyer smells a rat and refuses to proceed.

Confronted with all this, the C of P recommend, in two separate conversations, that the quickest way of sorting this is for the victim to confirm the original Power was bona fide, and request to have it withdrawn.

The victim does not follow this 'advice' and the Power is cancelled online- BUT the original certified and stamped copy is still out there, ( unsurprisingly, the fraudsters have not complied with a written request to return the original ) so same stunt could in theory be pulled again.

Nightmare scenario. Doubtless this victim will have put as many checks as possible in place with the institutions she deals with, but it seems the whole system is in need of root and branch reform.

I do recall various conversations with the C of P which didn't fill me with confidence - and I recall at the time how straightforward a process it was to have such a powerful document activated.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere thank you.

@freshcarnation what a lovely thing for you to say to your mum. I hope she continues to remain peaceful and comfortable.

@GiveMeStrengthLol I know exactly how you feel about being broken. I think all of us do.

@neveroutoftheChristmaskitchen My mum has been in a home for two months and still hates it. She is firmly of the opinion that she could come home and we would "muddle through" but as she is completely immobile, requires two carers and a hoist to move her from the armchair to the wheelchair and is incontinent it ain't going to happen.

@Words I am taking every opportunity to visit mum right now in case they bring in more restrictions.

At the beginning of last week we had to socially distance with a Perspex screen between us. Yesterday we were in the dining room with another family, able to hug and hold hands and DS was allowed to take his mask off his face to take a photo!

@neveroutoftheChristmaskitchen sorry your evening has been messed up.Can you up the amount of care visits? That is a long gap between visits if he only has 2.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that sounds lovely, glad you had such a good visit on Christmas day.

@AfterEightMintyCedric can't believe DM is wittering on about L on Christmas day!

Good wishes to everyone else, hope your Christmas was as relaxing as possible..(Unlike mine!)

Ha !

Got email to say home closing to visitors as case in home and 'more than two ' in staff.

Pleased to have made it through to Boxing Day. Mum at home and now bed bound, unable to even lift her head. Having sips of water and occasional mouthfuls of custard etc. I popped to see her a little while ago and she asked me if it's ok for her to go to live with her mum and dad tonight. I said it would be a good idea and that she has my blessing. Dear old bird.

[Mince pies all round]

2 days seems to be a real crunch point for care. It is much too early to make a decision.

We are left with the choice to walk away and let a disastrous crisis occur, or to keep patching things up at the expense of everything else in our lives.

Boxing day had been literally shit. Stomach problems and not eating by DF. Now waiting for doctor at his house. Friends due at mine in 5 mins and I'll probably miss it. I've left DH and DS to heat up party food whist I'm spending time here waiting. He tried a care home this Summer and hated it. Lasted a couple of days. He has 2 care visits a day otherwise it's just me to cope. I'm done with it to be honest just done. It's all very well saying you don't want to be in a care home but people never say the rest of the sentence which is 'and I want you to look after me'. They never even ask. It's assumed. Thanks for listening. Anyone want a mince pie?

Thank you. My bleeping brother has taken 90+ parent somewhere where 1 in 10 have Covid ATM. I've spent the whole year trying to explain the risks to her (she either doesn't understand masks or doesn't choose to - so still believes she'll be safe with one on). She goes tells people 'DD won't let me do xyz' whereas the reality is I've been saying numbers have picked up and does she really need to go into shops when I can do shopping for her etc. Both DB and DM are very entitled.

Guess who lives closer and will be dealing with the fallout.

Definitely the right thread @GiveMeStrengthLol. Come join us and whinge to your heart’s content.

Whinge always @GiveMeStrengthLol You've come to the good place

I'm a newbie and name change. Sorry to winge in my first post. Completely broken by my mum over the last 18 months. Is this the right thread or are you all trying to be positive?