Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

@whatever45 I think the feelings of guilt are the worst thing because whatever you do the guilt is there. Guilt about your parents of guilt about your DH our kids where the parents are sucking up your time. We are all doing our best so must try not to feel that guilt.

I knew mum lost a lot of weight when dad was in hospital July/August and hadn't put it back on again butlooser clothes can cover a multiple of sun's can't they and when you see someone regularly gradual weight loss can be missed. It was my brothers DC seeing her at Christmas for the first time in months that raised that alarm. Even the district nurses coming out to change dad's ulcer dressings didn't pick it up. It doesn't help that the new care agency that are meant to be the permanent replacement for the care to assess package are nowhere near as good and reliable.

It sounds like DM is doing well following her stroke. But I have no idea of the extent of the damage it has done to her - DB is being allowed to visit tomorrow (patients with dementia are allowed a visit).

My worst case scenario is if hospital discharges her, with further dibilitation, into my care, as they did following her stroke in 2017. I just hope that this time around the decision for her to go into a home is taken out of our hands and we/she are told that she can no longer live 'independently'.

[quote countrygirl99]@opal8 FIL barely had a sniffle, hopefully dad is the same. It's looking g increasingly like mum snd dad both need to go into s home. They clearly aren't eating properly, dad has been skin and bone for a while but with his multitude of issues that isn't surprising but mum has also lost a lot of weight and hasn't even opened the Christmas chocolates yet but insists they have eaten them.[/quote]
It does sound time xxxxxx

@opal8 FIL barely had a sniffle, hopefully dad is the same. It's looking g increasingly like mum snd dad both need to go into s home. They clearly aren't eating properly, dad has been skin and bone for a while but with his multitude of issues that isn't surprising but mum has also lost a lot of weight and hasn't even opened the Christmas chocolates yet but insists they have eaten them.

Ds1 is feeling rough
So off for pcr for him
No idea where he could have got it from if he's +

Dad is in hospital again with possible malnutrition - not that mum ever forgets a meal or thinks they have already eaten when they haven't, oh no. To crown it a he tested positive for covid on arrival.
So that's at least 2 elderly CEV parents of ours who barely leave the house who have picked up covid in the last 10 days. DB is going round tomorrow with an LFT for mum.

Thank you, wise words indeed and much appreciated. I think the feelings of guilt are there so much whatever the situation and it's important we try to listen to our 'sensible head' if we can.

Thinking of you @notaflyingmonkey and @whatever45. So hard not knowing.
Wise words from @Knotaknitter

@whatever45 It is hard. I agreed with the hospital that emergency admission should be the last resort for mum because of the waiting times for an ambulance, the transfer, the upheaval. If the nursing home and GP could provide a less intensive treatment it would be outweighed by the benefits of being with people who knew her.

I was happy that was what she would have chosen for herself given the number of falls she had when she was still at home where we'd discuss it while she was still on the floor and then put the kettle on. She wanted her own bed and no fuss.

@notaflyingmonkey You know rationally that there is no need to feel guilty. There is nothing at all you could have done if you had been here. Your brother can make a phone call just as well as you can, let him have his chance to help. The not knowing is the worst time because reality is rarely as bad as the scenarios we dream up ourselves.

@notaflyingmonkey hope you receive news of your DM today.

No I moved him to a new home a month ago as his needed more nursing care and the original home felt they could no longer manage him.
Yesterday they wanted me to decide if he should go into hospital to be able to have IV antibiotics or if he should stay where he is and try oral meds. Difficult choice to make but I felt I couldn't put him through all the upheaval of going ( and risks of Covid etc). He's warm and peaceful where he is.
Things were very difficult with my mum and when she died I hadn't seen her for quite sometime. I've really tried to do the right thing for my Dad but this final responsibility is hard.

Is your DF in hospital Whatever?

Morning all, not been to the cafe for a long time but lovely to be able to pop back in. Would appreciate a little company as I wait for news on my Dad as he's developed sepsis and doesn't seem to have very long. My 'lovely' DB who has had nothing to do with Dad since my very difficult Mum passed away appears to be unable to visit. Not easy when he has POA .

Thanks for the support. The hospital phoned me (I'm next of kin) and confirmed it was a stroke. She was moved to a ward early hours, but DB says the phone rings out so he will try again in the morning.

She'd had a fall a couple of weeks ago, so I guess that was a precursor, but of course these things can also 'just' be a fall.

I know that there is nothing I could do if in the UK - our hospital doesn't allow visiting currently, but I feel guilty for being on holiday.

So sorry to hear @notaflyingmonkey. But think carefully- what can you do here? Sending very best wishes🌺🌺🌺

I'm really sorry @notaflyingmonkey but what could you actually do if you could magically get to the hospital? She's safe, being looked after and the investigations will take the same time whether you are in the country or out of it. Let DB catch this one. So much for a relaxing holiday though.

My knowledge of two hospitals is that there is no visiting when they are first admitted because they go onto an emergency medical ward. It's not until they've been assessed and move to the relevant specialist ward that the normal hospital visiting rules start to apply. .

Have you come across "TIA" yet? If not it's something to listen out for, it's a mini stroke but the effects wear off really quickly.

In my minor news MIL's care home now let you do your own tests, knocking twenty minutes off the non-contact time of my visit. No longer do I have to sit and freeze in the car whilst being grateful that I have a car to sit and freeze in.

It's almost a grief, particularly if you compare yourself to other families and realise it's all been a little bit shit in comparison.

Try not to, obv, but sometimes...

So it sounds like DM may have had a stroke. Meals on Wheels called an ambulance this morning when the delivery driver wasn't happy with her responses when they took her lunch.

I am, of course, on holiday abroad. DB has driven up to the hospital, but because of Covid, he wasn't allowed in. I could probably get on an early flight tomorrow, but not without a PCR test which there isn't time to do. So am just waiting for information.

My mum has always been a rude and aggressive woman. Dementia has increased this 100% although she has good cognitive skills.

Yesterday I realised I now need to keep the DC away from her for their well being. She has started taking her aggression out on the DC and the professional carers and not just me.

Took mum to shops at her request earlier.
Invited mum up for lunch (turkey rolls)
Thought she might want to see my dc, get out of the flat for a bit.
"I'm not hungry"
OK 🤷‍♀️

I think the longing for acknowledgment from a parent is so deep rooted it takes repeated incidents, from the petty to the absolutely outrageous, and over and over, plus therapy ( in my case) to finally dislodge. And even then...

It's telling that only now my mother is clearly senile, can I let go of it all.

And yet...there is still a void there, for what should have been.