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It's all good. Dementia is horrendous and it's what I've been praying for for a very long time. Unfortunately my disabled sibling lives there and refused to move to a brilliant sheltered flat last year when the council offered it to them. So that's going to be a really big issue now.

Oh fresh

Spent the afternoon with my mum. The district nurses go in every day to dress her leg ulcers and saw that she has deteriorated overnight. Her nails are blue and extremities cold. She's not responding any more. I got the GP to visit and he's happy that she's comfortable. Dear old girl.

Well done @PermanentTemporary. Glad to hear your mum is more settled.

As for the buyer’s questions, “not known” is a perfectly fine response, and much better from your perspective than a guess. It does feel like an endless slog though, doesn’t it?

Blimey well done notaflyingmonkey. I did finally empty my mum's flat on Saturday and took a vast load to the tip on Sunday (can't think about that too much). Still huge piles in my 2 bed terrace to sort, plus a storage container costing 50 quid a month. Now for the 33 questions the buyer has asked. I hope eventually it will go through but not the end of the world if it doesn't.

Seeing Mum on Sunday I felt incredibly lucky. She's being properly medicated and isn't distressed any more; she's able to sit and watch telly at last, which I think she's been too anxious to do for months and months. We cur her nails and chatted and ate chocolates, and she couldn't do much more than laugh with us but that was much better than before. I just hope she can stay where she is.

How is everyone doing?

I've cleared a lot of DM's house, and it goes on the market next week. She is due to move to a more long term nursing home on Thursday, where I hope she will be settled.

@OnaBegonia it's so frustrating isn't it, I honestly think my DM just prefers to moan rather than improve her situation. She also is in good health for nearly 90 yet resists any suggestion of clubs or activities. I've found one near here where they have classes every day, stuff she'd like such as knitting, flower arranging, bowls etc plus additional afternoon teas, quiz evenings and parties but she isn't keen.

It's very frustrating, he will only eat M&S ready meals now, every week he claims to dislike yet another flavour so we don't buy it for a bit then moans he hasn't had it for ages!!! If we say come along and choose it's a flat refusal, he's got good health for his age but won't join any groups or activities.

@OnaBegonia I'm sorry your DP's DGF is so difficult. The stubbornness is one of the many things I find so hard to manage.

I took DM to Tesco for all her shopping including the perfect lettuce which today had a yellow sticker on so much better than the online offerings! She was cross that the travellator to the upstairs was broken but was still in there nearly an hour and a half, how? I was rather annoyed that the 3 items I'd asked her to get me whilst in there - hash browns, porridge oats and bicarbonate of soda 'were out of stock'

@Fantasea
We care for DPs DGF, he's at home aged 94, very difficult and rigid.
Is physically able to walk but refuses every time we try to encourage him out, he's been like this since lockdown and it's not linked to covid, just stubborn 🤷🏼‍♀️
He's had my DP in tears and can be very cruel.

I think we were so lucky when we sold our parents house . As the buyers knew it was a home being sold with no forward chain , they asked about the contents ( no antiques ) we said it would be going to charity and they asked if they could have it for a cash donation to our charity of choice. We bit their hand offoff--
All we had to do was charity shop clothes , nicks & nacks, and towels / bedding went to an animal rescue.

The joys of clearing out a house. We went through it last year for my lovely FIL who had kept every receipt and letter since the 1970s. Never knew so much furniture could come out of one house. 23 occasional tables (with doilies on top). It made me think really hard about my own house and I've got rid of so much sentimental stuff.

Can't even think about clearing mum's house when she dies, as my disabled sibling still lives there, having refused offers of housing from social services, and will probably be an emergency placement in a care home themselves.

Sympathies to all the house clearers. My family home had few happy memories and I wanted it all sorted as quickly as possible.

Because my mother has alienated most of the family, it was all left to me to do, which was a bit overwhelming. I employed a house clearance company and only saved a few items.

I could have sold a fair bit on EBay but it just seemed like too much to contemplate at the time.

There are things I let go which I now regret a little, but at the time I just wanted a hugely stressful and distasteful task out of the way.

I think it is always likely to be traumatic and upsetting, whatever the situation. Going through other people's things is so sad and bittersweet somehow, however unsentimental one is. Even when the person isn't dead, but instead condemned, like my mother, to the living death that is dementia.

Absolutely notaflyingmonkey. Mum spent years when her only question on looking at a flat was 'will my book case fit into it'. And now we want to get rid of the book case (vast glass fronted Edwardian thing, actually very nice but unmanageable without a vast Edwardian house. Feels so bad.

I think the root of the anxiety I'm having about clearing DM's house is that she will suddenly get 'better' and need to go home, or ask me where all her stuff has gone, etc.

I guess I have the dreams to look forward to as and when I start to sleep again...

waves to all the other house clearers

Today I supervised the move of a very small portion of my mother's furniture and stuff to her new sheltered flat; I will be spending the next few days unpacking and arranging it all, plus taking deliveries of fridges and so on, before she moves in on some as yet unspecified date within a week. And then I have the rest of the huge, antique- and junk-filled house to clear before selling it (once I have also finished dealing with probate after DF's death last year).

DM is resigned to the move but generally negative about it (she is anxious and negative about most things, tbh). The only thing she says she is looking forward to is being able to have a drink again: after her last serious fall in September, I persuaded her that her wine consumption was very strongly correlated with her falls (three in a few months, when she was drinking up to 6 bottles of wine a week). She hasn't had a drink since, and - surprise surprise - hasn't had a fall either. But she has somehow convinced herself that because the sheltered flat has emergency help on call 24 hours a day, it is OK if she starts drinking again, as someone will be able to come and pick her up. Aaaargh.

Just catching up on your stories - it is so helpful to know we are not alone and hear that others are going through or have been through what we are experiencing.
The dreams sound awful, really distressing.
@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I’m so sorry about your mum. Hope the meds kick in.
And @NewYearNewMinty your mother is beyond words…… good luck tomorrow.
Clearing houses must be so difficult- unearthing all those buried memories. And so sad.
And @Fantasea your mother makes mine look like an amateur….

For those with oldies not in residential care, what is their opinion of their personal risk of Covid? DM exists in this dichotomous state, she's absolutely terrified of catching it, yet it doesn't exist in places she wants to go, so shops, cafes etc.

@NewYearNewMinty you poor thing, that sounds dreadful. It's always about them, never you. My DM thinks I'm 'milking' my illness and is irritated by my fatigue. 'What would you do if you had a job?', I've pointed out my oncologist says I'm not well enough to work. Her latest stick to beat me with is 'well at least you can give into it, you wouldn't be able to if you had small children'. Give into it! I've told her that it's irrelevant as I don't have small children and her retort is 'well some people with cancer do'. And? She said it again last week and I snapped back 'you'd have to have them for me or else they would have to go into care'. It's not just illness which doesn't exist but normal life events such as the menopause. I had horrendous hot flushes last summer and asked her if she had suffered with them, 'no, because I had a JOB'! I have remarked that she's lucky to have reached nearly 90 with no serious issues, her explanation for this is that 'she's always kept busy' . Not like lazy old me then. She's insane. And horrible.

I think the dreams are our brains processing trauma. When my marriage broke down, I often had vivid dreams of ex.

Oh dear, almost in tears to find im not the only one haunted by 'back home' thoughts and worries!

Isn't it reassuring to see that we're not alone with the "suddenly back at home" dream? It's not something I have shared with anyone, I think the only people that would understand are those who have been in the same place. That would be you lot then. Thank you.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I’m another one with recurring dreams about DM. She’s somehow got better and is back at her home (sometimes DF is there too although he’s been dead 20 years) and I’m panicking about something- I used to panic about how to tell her I’d thrown everything out the freezer - now I panic about the new owners of the house coming back

@Knotaknitter thank you so much. Good to know I am normal. It's hard but the overall feeling I have when I wake up is relief so I know I'm doing the right thing.

@Fantasea I know what you mean about the phone. The last week before mum went into hospital my son rang while I was with her. I put him on speaker so she could be included in the conversation and he was able to talk to her without the pressure of getting off the phone from her. But she couldn't engage and just sat there with her head in her hands repeating "I'm so unhappy, I'm so lonely".

she doesn't think any illness, including my cancer, actually exist

Yup - as far as my mum is concerned there is no illness unless it directly affects her.

She had a moan about me taking a sabbatical last year instead of being signed off on full pay for 6 months 'as they couldn't have done anything about it' (er, yes they could...I was already on a Level 2 absence procedure by the time they offered it to me...I read the policy thoroughly and consulted ACAS and the local council prior to the meeting).

I pointed out to her that they only offered me the sabbatical when, having been sat catatonic in that meeting for 40 minutes, I completely broke down and admitted that I'd been one step away from trying to kill myself a couple of months earlier and referred to the CMHT for suicidal ideation.

Her response, "Oh, so I suppose that's me and dad's fault is it?"

@NewYearNewMinty I don't feel two days off in a row is too much to ask, I feel so much better having consecutive days away too. DM also tuts if I use my phone at all for anything. One time my sister rang, I put her on speak so Mum could join in and she huffed, sighed and looked at the wall for the entire 20 minutes or so! Mine could also benefit from some ADs in my opinion but she doesn't think any illness, including my cancer, actually exist, even though my DF had serious mental illness. She is also so politically incorrect sometimes I actually wince! I'm hoping you're successful tomorrow, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you Xx