Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

@whatever45 thanks for your perspective on infuriating mothers. Sending you hugs - waiting is tough.

Thank you so much. Just been to visit and praying it's nearly over for him now.

On a separate note, just reading about those of you who feel they can never please their parents. I had a long struggle with this with my Mum and as her Parkinson's progressed she was increasingly difficult and unkind to me in particular. It got to the point where I had to totally reduce contact as I just couldn't cope and needed to protect myself and my family. I can see more now as time passes that the issues were with her past and her illness and that I do not need to feel that I was a disappointment or that I was not enough. I'm sorry that others are also going through this.

notaflyingmonkey,. Once you went on holiday and spent time away from your mother putting her wants and needs ahead of your own you realised that you needed the break. It might have been a good thing that dB had to step up and deal with what happened. You need to stand up for yourself now and say that you are no longer going to be available for full time care. Your dB now has a true picture of what she is like so if he wants her at home he can do all you have being doing up to now.

NewYearNewMinty,. No matter what you do she is never going to be happy or stop complaining. Then you had to deal with her behaving like a teenaged girl regarding L and to keep going on about him even when she knows you don't want his name mentioned.

She encouraging you to get a job but has yet to realise that if your working you can't be available for all the hours she expects. Once you get a job, you will have more money, get to know more people and be happier in your life.

Whatever45 - hope you’re ok.

@whatever45 thinking of you🌺🌺

I'm very sorry @whatever45, it's so hard when you realise that this cloud might not have a silver lining.

@NewYearNewMinty It's no surprise that I think that having your financial independence would be the way to go, it removes the button that is being pushed. There's still the guilt button but I think that one comes as standard.

It's not your job to make her happy but you've had a really good try. As we seem to have established that whatever you do is wrong you might as well do what you want to do and then one of you will be happy.

Oh @whatever45. I hope he is fairly comfortable.

Hi just checking in. It seems that the decision not to move Dad to hospital was the right one, he's managed to take some antibiotics orally and the local hospital have now reduced all visits so it would have been difficult to be with him. However at the care home I was able to be with him for 2 hours this afternoon. Sadly he has really gone down hill and they are likely to call me at anytime.

Oh @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere that must be tough. You did so much for her.
And @Ieatmarmite I totally get what you are saying…. Dm now late 90s.
It’s taken the big c for me to try and put myself first.
Welcome newbies. Plenty of room! Especially for bearers of chocolate!
@notaflyingmonkey hope you can try and enjoy the rest of your break. And push for res care. You can’t carry on as you were.
And @NewYearNewMinty get applying if you feel strong enough. You can never meet your dms needs.

Hello to those who are new. Plenty of room in our lovely cosy sunroom for all the bad daughters out there.

I started keeping a 5 year journal last year and have been looking back on last year's entries. There is a horrible pattern to how I was feeling - trapped, exhausted, unappreciated. It's been seven months since she left and I still have the feeling that I can not settle to do anything in case she needs me.

I have not seen mum since Christmas Day which seems weeks ago. My son was so happy to see her - and she was so happy to see him - that he went back again two days later with his wife and had a lovely time with her.

My cousin and my uncle both visited her last week and my cousin is going again tomorrow and taking my daughter with her so that is another visit that I am missing. I would go but my daughter is so keen to see Grandma, not having seen her since she went into hospital I don't want to stop her going.

Mum hasn't been left without visitors, it's just that none of them is me.

Sorry to moan but ..... I've spent about 45 years of my life worried about why my mother is unhappy and trying to make her feel better. Nothing works. It makes me sad.

@notaflyingmonkey I completely agree. We all have to die at some point. Why do we do so much to delay when the person is miserable. We wouldn't do it to an animal.

Absolutely 💯

Good luck job hunting

Spending the afternoon with my mum who has done nothing but moan. Told her she should count her blessings and she's now sitting there like a person who lost £20 and found a penny. Of course, she's not moaned once and I'm just bad tempered. What's the emoji for a deep sigh?

Dad should be home by the end of the week! Just need to sort out the feeding regime so lunchtime and teatime carer visits being extended, and a continence assessment and supply of pads.

@countrygirl99 Just before my DPs' life imploded and they were taken off to separate care facilities, my DPs had a very odd relationship with food. The SW were having mum weighed as they found DF was eating her food A carer would come in and rush to make scrambled eggs for two in the allotted ten min slot.. She'd pass them both a plateful and grab her coat only to see DM pass her food to DF and he eat it, even though he had been told not to... Fast forward quite a few months and DM was around 5 1/2 stones. In the end their SW deployed two alzheimers' visitors at the same time. One took my DF out the house while the other tried to get my DM to gorge on food while he wasn't there. Nightmare. DF died unexpectedly not long after this and DM was sectioned. However, within eight months DM was back to six and a half stone and has been n care homes for six years. At 90 she is now physically fit, although in the last few months her weight has declined as she has forgotten how to use cutlery and where her mouth is... sometimes with her fingers she puts food in her eye. . But my point is, they can be retrained at that late stage to eat if someone is providing the meals.

That's a great idea @freshcarnation

I am now officially job hunting, encouraged by DM who still maintains that my being round there 4 afternoons, 1 evening and 1 morning a week isn't sufficient.

Not sure how she thinks me working is going to pan out in that respect but is definitely the best option for me.

@notaflyingmonkey as you've been away on holiday I'd use this as your reset time before you visit your mum again. My mum was in hospital and when she came home I started visiting every day as I thought she was very near the end. However she has stabilised and is now eating again so I've made a conscious effort to go every couple of days now and let her carers get on with it again. It feels mean, but I'm trying hard to hold onto my own life too.

Welcome to all the new faces, pull up a chair and settle in for the year ahead. 2021 was a rollercoaster year for me where mum was at home in April then had a run through respite care, home care, residential care, ending with nursing care in November and death in hospital in December. At the same time MIL was in and out of hospital with falls, her confusion was officially recognised as dementia and eventually multiple hospital admissions in the same week lead to an assessment of a discharge home being unsafe. She's not had a fall for some time possibly because she's eating properly and using the walking frame that she never bothered with at home.

During mum's last hospital stay I had a phone call close to midnight to say she wasn't doing well and did I want to come in? The next morning I rang to see how she was, after two and a half hours I got in the car and blagged my way onto the ward to ask if she was still alive as no-one was answering the phone. I didn't complain because I assumed that they were doing their best but it didn't help my stress levels at all.

Dad is still in hospital and updates have been so poor we know very little. Sunday DB was told there wouldn't be any decisions before today as sll the doctors are on holiday. DB was rather taken aback as he assumed the gomplete inability to answer the phone for 2 and a half days was covid and had been feeling sorry for the staff. After 3 days with the only update being to mum when his notes say all updates to DB due to mum's dementia he felt somewhat peeved. All we know is he I'd malnourished, aneamic, has mild delirium and has covid. Not a good combination for a severely frail 94yo with heart failure and a history of TIAs. Can't think why the family would want updates!
Tried to have a conversation with mum about what needs to happen if (big if) he comes home rather than goes to a care home. We talked about food we know neither are eating properly despite mum's insistence that they are - mum's clothes are hanging off her and GP has given her a check up with nothing suggesting a physical cause. I said dad really need a series of snacks rather than 3 bigger meals he can't manage but she is locked in a mindset that snacking is unhealthy and they would get fat. They are both skin and bone and mum's clothes are a couple of sizes too big for her. Mum has always had an odd attitude to food and portion sizes. I have previously been told that 1 person ready meals are so huge they have to share 1 and there was the memorable family get together transferred to BILs house due to a burst water main when we got a panicked phone call to bring whatever we voild as mum had brought over 1 plate of sandwiches, a large pack of crisps and a box of haribo for 10 adults, 4 teenage boys and several smaller children.

Welcome also to Start.

I think it is morally wrong that some elderly people are kept alive way beyond their expiry date. DM had zero quality of life even before this latest stroke. Was housebound. Increasingly incontinent. Bored. Lonely. Unpleasant - perhaps unsurprisingly so. What faces her now is not going to be better. I can only hope that DM agrees it is time for some sort of care home, where she can at least be kept safe.

Welcome Apricot. Agreed - I can't really think too much about the lives of the very elderly in my family. There is one who has I think a good quality of life at 90 because she is cared for 24/7 by her 92 year old partner who remains remarkably spry. But my mother- it's not ok that she is still alive, it may have been amazing of the hospitalto save her life but for what? A dear friend did a truly amazing job caring for her mother and is still traumatised from spending 4 years caring for someone who was in constant pain and longing to die.

Nota - I'd agree that being away when this happened has given you and your db a bit if perspective. I hope you can just keep saying that you're going to be her daughter not her carer now.

Sadly if like to join. It's all so stressful