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@countrygirl99

I'm sorry, I didn't realise he was still on the Covid ward.

It seems that hospitals can make their own rules in that situation, which is awful.

Thinking of you @countrygirl99 🌺🌺

I don't think the care home guidance applies to hospitals and because he tested positive on admission he is still on a covid ward that complicates things. Frustrating as the covid was the least of his problems and not the reason for admission.and he is definitely a "with covid". He went in for ne of the same bacterial infection he has been in and out with for the last 18 months. Only Sunday we were talking about how to help mum cope when dad went into the care home he now accepted he needed. If he had got that far before his latest infection things would be easier. Then he got a new infection on Monday.

He's in hospital though so the rules on visiting care homes don't apply. I agree that it should be less restrictive than this, two visitors at a time I could understand but not the same two on all occasions.

MIL has covid, her care home closed to vistors last week because of outbreaks in staff. All residents are confined to their rooms for as long as it takes. She's not ill, if they hadn't tested everyone they wouldn't have known she had it.

1.2 End of life visits
Key message
Visits at the end of life should always be supported, without limiting the number of visitors. Families and residents should be supported to plan end of life visiting carefully, with the assumption that visiting will be enabled to happen not just towards the very end of life, and that discussions with the family take place in good time.

Visitors for visits of this nature should be tested using lateral flow tests. For information on how to test, see the guidance on rapid lateral flow testing in adult social care settings.

End of life care (for residents in care homes) means identifying early those who are in their last year of life, and offering them the support to live as well as possible and to then die with dignity. NHS guidance on end of life care is available to support this process, as well as advice from the British Geriatric Society. There is a role for care home staff to support residents with end of life care, and visiting is an essential factor in this.

The enhanced health in care homes service provides a framework for support from general practice, the care home clinical leads and local multidisciplinary teams (which may include community nurses and professionals as well as specialised palliative care teams).

This support involves early identification, as well as a personalised care and support planning approach with good communication with the individual, their relatives and care home staff through the weekly home care round. The British Geriatric Society advice can support communication.

As a resident approaches the last months, weeks and days of their life, it continues to be important to communicate well to enable good and timely decisions around care. Planning these visiting arrangements should proceed from the assumption that visits are enabled in the final months and weeks of life – not just the final days or hours – albeit recognising that these timelines can be difficult to determine with accuracy.

@countrygirl99

How are you doing?

I don't know if this would be of any help re your situation. This is the official government advice on end of life visiting. Your dad should be allowed more than 2 visitors.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/visiting-care-homes-during-coronavirus/update-on-policies-for-visiting-arrangements-in-care-homes#visits-in-all-circumstances

And from me too countrygirl99

Best wishes at this difficult time Country

@countrygirl99 so tough

@countrygirl99 I am so sorry for you, those visiting restrictions are harsh given that they've said that he's not expected to recover from this.

Horses are the best listeners x

DH is great and.my horse has a very soggy neck this evening.

@countrygirl99

Oh sweetheart I'm so very sorry.

I hope you have people around to lean on and take care of you xx

Dad is sedated because he was getting distressed but he responds so he knows they are there. Only 2 visitors allowed even at this stage so youngest DB and I won't get to say goodbye.

@countrygirl99
💐

@countrygirl99

@notaflyingmonkey I think guilt comes as standard when you're the main carer looking after an elderly parent. Every choice taken would lead to guilt.. my mum is currently in her last days (weeks, months) and is at home. She has carers but is alone for portions of the day and overnight. If she were in a care home she wouldn't be alone. She doesn't now know she's at home and asks to go back to the lovely house by the sea (the hospital). We can't do right for doing wrong. It will work out for the best. Hold in there.

Notaflyingmonkey - I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I recognise the feeling guilty part. My mum died last November - she fell and broke her hip last March and was then in and out of hospital before passing away peacefully at home. The original fall was rushing to answer the door to accept a delivery - flowers I had sent for Mother’s Day. I felt so bad about it - and still do even though my dad has been absolutely clear that it’s not my fault and I have nothing to feel bad about. It’s a shame that logic doesn’t work that way on feelings though and I will always regret sending those flowers. It’s hard not to keep replaying the whatifs but I have to remember that I couldn’t know what would happen and that if I had never sent her flowers she would have missed out on pleasure over the years. I hope you can also find peace with your situation.

Dad recovered from covid and they were sorting out his discharge but now he has an infection in his heart and is not expected to recover. Mum is allowed to see him so DB is taking her there.

Oh @notaflyingmonkey I’m so sorry. Please seek support- counselling maybe to help with your feelings. You could not have done more.
And take whatever time you need on here. We all have crises as different times, please lean on us.

Thank you all again for your support. This thread has been such a lifeline at times with the help and support offered.

DD asked me last night why I was angry - I was feeling angry at the stroke, my guilt, the system, etc. I suspect it won't be the last time.

@notaflyingmonkey I wish I'd pushed harder for a move to a bungalow nearer me about four years ago - there is no point dwelling on the past unless we can learn something from it. I expected to feel relief when mum went to be cared for by someone else, the release from daily responsibilty for absolutely everything, being able to put my own life first. What I wasn't prepared for was the guilt - could I have done something differently, was I doing the right thing now? It was such a massive change, she suddenly had a life of her own that I wasn't a part of.

I spent so much time second guessing my own decisions which is why I found it helpful to talk to a social worker when there was actually a choice to be made. When mum moved to nursing care there was no choice, she couldn't stay where she was because they couldn't meet her increased needs and the only question was which home she went to.

If you need a small win - get some name labels, glasses labels, hearing aid labels. Wherever she goes she will want to keep her stuff hers. Labelling clothes can be a distraction from the larger tasks ahead.

(If you ever want a stranger to listen to you, you know where I am)

I don't think anyone minds, it is a support thread after all.

Be kind to yourself about previous decisions. Hindsight is wonderful but the outcomes may have been different anyway.

My DM is still complaining that her DM was moved to sheltered housing 40 years ago & why it was awful. I don't think you can know how it would have turned out.

Thanks Knot. I am v aware that I am dominating this thread with my woes, so thought I should set up a bespoke thread instead.

The OT phoned me yesterday and told me that DM has pretty much reached her level of recovery from the stroke, which is not much. Her recommendation is that DM has 2 people available 24/7 to hoist her, etc, as she cannot even sit unaided. Which means a nursing home.

DM was awake when I visited last night. She doesn't know where she is - she thinks possibly a sports hall. So she could talk, albeit impaired, but couldn't process anything I said, like she couldn't hear/understand me.

I wish I could have convinced her to move to sheltered accommodation some years ago when she could have benefitted from it, rather than becoming increasingly dependent on what little I could give.