Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

countrygirl so sorry.

God country that combination of loss and your mum's reaction sounds rough. Take care of yourself and we are here if you need us.

Oh @countrygirl99 I am so sorry. So hard for your family, and having to keep telling your dm. Please take care of yourself.
And vent here if it helps🌺🌺🌺

So sorry for you loss @countrygirl99
Maybe a little sedative for your DM from the GP might be in order if she finds no peace right now

It didn't matter that how we explained just how poorly dad was to mum, she couldn't retain it. Alzheimers is such a barstard condition. She phoned 3 more times to tell me when I was driving to her. Only stopped when one of my brothers got there.

@countrygirl99 I'm so sorry.

It doesn't matter how long you've been expecting it, it still comes as a shock.

Take care of yourself x

@countrygirl99 I am very sorry. I don't think that seeing it coming makes it any easier to deal with because the pain of the loss is still the same. It's probable that your mum didn't see it coming, she was expecting him home and for things to go back to how they were. It's a double whammy because of the impact it's going to have on your mum. she's not going to have someone there 24/7 to keep her on track.

Got the phone call just after 4.30 this morning. Dad is gone. Mum is in pieces.

@littlebilliie It sounds like my mum's last few weeks. She did have good days where she was up and about and chatting but there were more days where she slept all the time.

Hi all, I'm new here but a lurker.

My DD died very quickly a few years ago and since then my mum has deteriorated and is a nursing home.

Tonight I got a call that she is in the later state of dementia and is not eating hardly anything and is sleeping all the time.

This is the slow end isn't it?

@MoreElderlyParentWoes sorry if we’ve seemed flippant about the squirrels!

I don’t think there is a way of persuading parents to do things they don’t want to. My DM’s answer to any suggestions about potential improvements (downstairs bathroom, stairlift etc) was always ‘it’s not possible!”. I gave up in the end, but my DH kept trying with her, bless him.

I used to feel guilty that I couldn’t fix it, but then I decided that if she made these decisions she was an adult (in those days she had capacity) and she had to live with the consequences. Sounds harsh, but it amounted to self-preservation

Thank you again for all your advice.

Can’t believe I’ve found a group of people who actually know how I’m feeling! Such a relief.

I have a list of people I need to contact tomorrow after your suggestions.

Thank you for letting me vent!

@MoreElderlyParentWoes we've talked about it before, the illusion of independence. It's easy to dismiss care given by family as not really being care, you just popped in for a cuppa and did a few things while you were there (cleaned the house, prepared a meal, supervised a shower, tackled the garden). If you are paying a carer to come in then there's no getting away from recognising that as care.

@MereDintofPandiculation I'm glad to hear that things have gone back to being normal.

Thank you, everyone.

I haven’t yet tried pointing out the garden wildlife (anyone got a spare cockroach?) but my life is pretty much all grey rock. Perhaps at root I’m another Bad Daughter, because I suspect the reason my mother won’t countenance (eg) having carers is because she hopes I’ll give up my job and do it all myself. I couldn’t. It would be the final straw for my health.

Yes, the squirrels have come in handy on many an occasion when I was facing a brick wall.

@Onewildandpreciouslife ahh! Source of squirrels! Like the new name.
I’ve found it v helpful….

@thesandwich I used to refer to “ooh look a squirrel!” (I used to be “toofaroutallmylife” but I’m trying to be more positive these days!) but I’m sure many of us have tried the same tactic!

@MoreElderlyParentWoes

Sending wine and hugs.

I feel absolutely broken by the last 2-3 years. The last increase in AD's is helping me function a little better but I'm suffering intermittent horrific panic attacks.

I was due at my 'auntie's' funeral today but had to message with my apologies. I just couldn't face a 2 hour round trip and the emotional impact of the service itself.

As for any more suggestions of what to do when a cantankerous elderly parent identifies lots of problems but then rejects each and every possible solution?

Accept it.

I've come to the conclusion there's nothing else I can do. I, and others, have made multiple suggestions to mum about joining things and meeting new people. I've offered to take her even.

Have suggested things she can do at home to occupy her mind but she won't engage.

It is what it is. I am now job hunting, and although primarily looking for part-time I've also applied for a f/t position as the job itself sounds ideal and let's face it I could use the money.

If mum won't help herself and has capacity there is literally nothing I can do.

So pleased to hear your news@MereDintofPandiculation.
Brilliant honest advice for @Cherrysherbet .
What to do when elderlies complain but won't take on board potential solutions.....
Ask them what they want/ expect to happen
Grey rock
Do it anyway
Get someone they listen to to suggest it... or say doc insists...authority/ doc/ nurse/ friend
Or my favourite when dm is sliding into the vortex of doom was coined by picklemewalnuts I think.... toddler distraction.." oooh did you see the squirrel/ bin man/ robin etc"......

Hello all and welcome, Cherry. I don’t post here very often but I lurk.

I endorse everything Minty says. I’ve been struggling to support my mother since my father died several years ago, and something that really resonates with me is not really being present for my DC’s adolescence. I was always busy doing things for my mother or simply too unwell to help anyone. Self-diagnosis is highly unreliable, I know, but I believe the last few years have left me with PTSD. I weaned myself off ADs but, when I needed them again, found my body wouldn’t tolerate them so now feel on the verge of collapse.

This is a well-worn theme here, but any more suggestions of what to do when a cantankerous elderly parent identifies lots of problems but then rejects each and every possible solution?

@Cherrysherbet I know the availability of services varies throughout the UK but in our corner it is nigh on impossible and there is a long waiting list for support. Before it was decided that mum would need respite she was waiting for weeks for the increased care package.

I would honestly say to be very, very careful about bringing her home with the thought that if you can't cope then she will go into a home because you could be waiting a very long time for more support.

If you or DH can drive then I wouldn't worry about the home being a little further away. The home my mum is in is 8 miles from our house but a 2.5 hour bus ride! I only visit once a week and I get a lift with my cousin or my best friend. We were offered a place closer to home on a bus route but declined because I have not heard anything good about the home. We accepted this one because it has the best reputation locally even though it is not so easy to get to.

You honestly sound like you could be me! The similarities between our home situation is so similar.

Whichever road you choose to take you can rest assured that you are a fantastic daughter and have already gone above and beyond the care that some provide.

@MereDintofPandiculation glad your dad's on the mend.

@Onewildandpreciouslife makes a very good point about social services and their reluctance to get involved.

Because my dad's care was classed as end of life his carers (2 x twice a day and a companion a few hours a week which is a whole other story ) were funded by the NHS.

When we contacted SS to see if we could get any support, mainly for mum and I, their attitude was 'his cares already being funded by the NHS...nothing to do with us'. We didn't see a single social social worker for the entire duration.

@Cherrysherbet you mentioned not being able to afford respite but perhaps this is something SS might be able able help you with if you don't have other care funding in place?