Cockroach Cafe - come and try our new sunroom

Thank you for the lovely welcome ladies

@NewYearNewMinty Yes, the punchbag/therapist is me! I have ovarian cancer, I had chemo and major surgery which finished in the summer, just before Mum arrived and now I'm on maintenance chemo tablets which I self administer. The side effects are mild compared to the infusion chemo I had, but I'm still not well enough to work. My adult DD whom I'm very close to lives with me and I have good friends.

@notaflyingmonkey I see her most days, probably 5 out of 7, as I feel guilty she's on her own even though she lived alone for years after my father died. I've put in one small boundary now (finally) in that I swing by usually in the morning after I've dropped DD at the station and try and confine my visit to an hour.

@thesandwich I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. The reference to going for a coffee is that my immune system is so poor that I'm keeping out of the way of people at the moment which Mum doesn't seem to understand.

I should have added, but easy to forget, I have one golden sister who has always stayed well away and whom Mum makes constant excuses for. She is close enough to visit for a day and chooses not to, she's so busy....

@countrygirl99 I'm sorry to hear about your dad

Well yesterday was "fun". Mum phoned (again) to tell me dad had died and panicking about where to start organising the funeral while I was driving up there for the meeting with the celebrant that she had forgotten. When I got there I had to explain that we had all been to the funeral director's office, that we had already been chosen the music, coffin, flowers etc and just needed to go through everything with the celebrant and tell him about dad so he could talk about him. Good job DB and I were there or the poor celebrant would know nothing except dad used to like showing chrysanthemums which he stopped doing before I started primary school. There must be people with dementia who don't have family to help, what happens?
After lunch it was social services to plan help for mum. Which she absolutely doesn't need. Oh no, she always remembers to eat - the drastic weight loss without medical explanation is a total mystery, just happened. And she has a lively social life despite not picking up on her previous activities after covid restrictions lifted. And her friends often give her lifts to clubs social events despite having given up driving a year ago/died/gone into homes etc. And she has no problem remembering what day it is despite turning up for appointments on the wrong days, constantly asking what day it is. So we left it at 2 visits a day to remind her to eat (which she constantly tries to cancel) and us encouraging her to go out more. I have had a chat with the only one of her friends who still drives so hopefully that will help.

Hello @Fantasea sorry you have to join us with the double whammy of elderly and cancer.
I’m in a similar situation- supporting dm up the road plus going through cancer treatment.
It has made me step back and be more selfish, and dm does slightly pause before launching into mega moan.
All my medical team have told me firmly to put myself and my health first. You must do the same. Back away.
She can get a cleaner. You must go for coffee with friends. You cannot make her happy.
Contact Macmillan etc for counselling support.

Why do you see her most days?

@Fantasea welcome and how are you doing? Are you still having treatment?

I can't imagine how tought that must be for you.

My mum is similar in the using me as a verbal punchbag/therapist and being reluctant to do anything to help herself...it's so frustrating!

Do you have any other support for yourself?

Could I join if I may please?

My elderly mother moved to be near me last Summer after my cancer diagnosis. She had never been happy in her previous town, where she and my father retired to 25 years ago. She moved here with the purpose of helping me, yet the only 'help' she has given me so far is accompanying me in the car to my appointments and using that time to offload her latest list of complaints. I try to see her most days for some company, but my main role seems to have evolved into the person she can unashamedly and constantly moan to. She seems unaware that I would like nothing more than to be able to do simple things like browse in the high street, go out for the odd meal, have a coffee with a friend, and lead as much of a normal life as Covid permits, but I'm simply not well enough. I feel I am being punished for having cancer, yet she treats my condition with the contempt of a cold. She can manage to look after herself, just about, but needs an enormous amount of support with shopping, using the computer, admin in general, working new appliances, I could go on. She has never been keen on housework, to put it mildly, and this coupled with appalling personal and food hygiene is so much more apparent now that she is local. She also has a shocking temper, sulks like a teenager when things don't go her way (most of the time) and is generally thoroughly unpleasant to be around. Before she moved, adult DD and I were treated as 'visitors' and so shielded from most of this.

I know she's lonely but any suggestion of joining a club to make some friends is met with resistance, even though she knows I would take her. The other day I suggested she rang one of her old neighbours for a chat, 'Sheila would love to hear from you' and she triumphantly told me, 'well, I wouldn't have anything to say', well that's me told. She just wants to moan and doesn't want a solution to anything.

I'm so grateful to have found this group and thank you all for having me.

I hunk you could be onto something @NewYearNewMinty. She's certainly not religious and the Kent connection is there..

@freshcarnation

This going to sound bonkers, but did your mum ever have TB as a youngster?

I only ask because my dad once started muttering about a place I'd never heard of which turned out to be the rehab sanatorium he stayed in when he was ill, in Kent.

I can't remember what it was called, but there's a Bethesda medical centre in Kent that's been there since the 20s so just wondered if your mum had had a similar experience.

Could just be a religious thing if she's a churchgoer.

@countrygirl99 I'm so sorry you're having to cope with your mum's dementia on top of your loss.

Nothing much to report here so will just wish everyone a week that improves and many 🪳🪳🪳

I spent the morning with my mum who was awake the whole time. She's bed bound and seems stable still, managing to drink sips of water or tea without coughing too much and has a little soup when she fancies it. She was talking but making no sense at all today. I got the photo album out and showed her photos of when she was younger, which she seemed to like. She was talking about Bethesda today. No idea what that was about.

@countrygirl99 so sorry you're going through this. It's a proper double bubble isn't it. I remember that stage of dementia with my mum, it feels like being gaslit doesn't it. Hard to keep your composure.

I had forgotten I had two appointments today - one with the counsellor and one for a zoom meeting tonight. Just had an hour with the counsellor and feel exhausted. I hope I never put my kids through all this.

That sounds really hard Country.

I managed to see DM last night, and she seemed more like herself than she has been since the stroke. In that she spent the whole visit moaning and criticising anyone and everything. Any guilt I had been feeling was swiftly negated.

I think we will have to take that approach. She is adamant that it's only DB1 who thinks she has alzheimers as she has forgotten the appointments with the Consultant.

@countrygirl99 I can't imagine how tough that is while you are dealing with your own grief as well.

When you have the meeting about her needs can you suggest it along the lines of "the shock has meant your memory is poor and you need a little bit of extra support for the time being"?

Everything we have done with my mum has been "just for now" because she can't grasp time at all.

We are warning each other on a WhatsApp group each time so we have a good record. Also when she is confused about the funeral arrangements/has been doing something unwise. It's a good job we are sorting the funeral or she would probably have engaged 2 or 3 funeral directors by now. We had a meeting with the FD last Thursday morning and she had completely forgotten it by the afternoon. We are breaking everything into one or 2 decisions a day and timed the funeral to allow for that. Although we are having to make the final decisions we are making sure we don't do anything she won't like but she doesn't remember any of them.

@countrygirl99 sound really tough. Do you log these calls/ conversations as support for the meeting? 🌺

Not looking forward to tomorrow. We have a meeting with the funeral celebrant and a meeting about mum's ongoing care needs. It's the latter I'm dreading. Mum is convinced there is nothing wrong with her but she has phoned me at least once a day since Wednesday to tell me dad has died. Sometimes I get the calls 20 minutes apart. Once only half an hour after I left her having spent 3 hours making funeral arrangements. Even on days when I have already spent several hours with her. And she keeps telling my brothers that I haven't been up at all. And she says she hasn't seen anyone all day when she has had 2 or 3 visitors, usually staying a whole morning or afternoon.

@MereDintofPandiculation Don't worry, it's fine, I read it the way you meant it. I get on better with MIL than SiL and that's because I was on the receiving end of "calling a spade a spade" for too long and rebelled. I can now be just as direct (or rude, depending on which end of the spade you are holding) as she is.

SIL is more difficult, I tie myself in knots trying not to upset her, avoid things she's responsible for and not make her feel guilty. There's so much guilt in care, we could always do more and having been there, done that I don't want to add to her guilt.

Did I mention that MIL had covid? She's fine now, they found it because they tested everyone so at that time she had no symptoms.

@MereDintofPandiculation I've packed my guilt back into its box and I'll wait for the change in guidance. I am pretty sure that MIL would pick me over her daughter because I am local and with a long history of doing things for her. She was fast enough to be listing me as next of kin when my husband died. That wasn't my place then and it's not my place now to shuffle into the daughter role. It's not my job to fix their relationship which is just as well because I have no idea where I'd start. I certainly wouldn't want to sour the relationship I have with my sister in law. (We are lacking an eye roll emoticon, please imagine your own)

I must admit that for me one of the best things about getting divorced was knowing I wouldn't have to engage with ex MIL ever again.

She makes my mum look like Betty White...and that's saying something.

I am feeling slightly guilty because I haven't seen my MIL for about 2.5 years. Does that make any of you feel any better?

She is my late DH's mother, and lives several hundred miles away (about a 5-hour trip). She is in her late 80s, widowed a few years ago, has no family nearby and is not in great health so I really ought to make the effort but she is not my priority. I would normally see her once or twice a year but because of covid and stuff going on with my parents (DF died last year; frail, housebound DM has had various falls and illnesses) I haven't made it up there for ages. One of my SILs hasn't seen her for just as long, I think (she lives overseas) but the other SIL has been more regularly.

I'm feeling guilty because I've not seen my mil in about 3 months.

DH is fine with this and there's lots of reasons, mostly to do with inaction rather than a concerted effort. It's also for the best as they do not want the status quo disturbed and I'm not that comfortable with the situation, so best left but blimey, I don't find it easy.

Hang in there...

Give yourself a shake Knot so that you can slough off that unwarranted guilt. Once a week is more than adequate.

I've been trying to clean and declutter DM's house, which keeps me occupied. I have declared war on the bloody mouse/mice and I seem to be losing. The man from the council came and took the bait boxes away as the bait hadn't been touched in a few weeks - declaring the problem solved, despite me pointing out fresh droppings to him. We had one of those stand offs until I realised I was disproportionately losing my shit with him.