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Elderly parents
Original poster

Mum and Incontinence

55 replies

Upset1 · 05/11/2021 17:13

Name changed

My mum lives alone and has dementia. She will not go into a care home.

I do everything even though I live 30 miles away. Buy food, laundry, sort bills, take her to medical appointments. Various friends call in almost every day and I go down 2 0r 3 times a week. She went into a care home after a hospital stay following a fall but said she wanted to come home and the social worker felt she could do that.

Today, there was faeces in the living room and in the bathroom at the side of the loo.

She noticed it in the living room and became upset thinking someone had come into the house. I cleaned it up and told her it was dog dirt which someone had walked into the house. She is very upset and says she will not go to bed tonight in case someone breaks in to do it again.

I know she is hinting to stay with me but I have a small house, we don't get on and it just can't happen. I asked her to think about a home for the hundredth time and she said she would but I know she won't.

What does this pooing mean? Is it another step down? Is it a one off? Will it go away or will it get worse.

Should I tell the social worker? My life would be so much easier if she went into a home but I don't want her dragged off against her will.

OP posts:
Original poster
Upset1 · 05/11/2021 18:00

Thank you all for taking notice and replying. I was feeling terribly alone with it because I just don't feel that I can tell anyone who knows her. She would be so ashamed if she knew.

I;m almost sure this is the first time, although when I was changing the bed, the sheet was off and I haven't been able to find it.

She has a carer come in in the evening to give her medication. I will take advice and ask the social services for more, although I don't think they will clear up this type of mess.

I suppose I'm wishing that someone will swoop in and take charge but that's not going to happen. Today was just another step down and it has left me almost at the end of my rope but THANK YOU all for reading and offering advice and your own experiences. It has helped.

OP posts:
Kittypummels · 05/11/2021 17:27

I’m really sorry to say this but unfortunately this only gets worse.
My MIL developed Alzheimer’s, we tried keeping her at home but eventually like your mum she forgot the process of toileting and she’d take the faeces out of the loo and put it on the windowsill. Eventually she started to wrap it up and put it all over the house or throw it out of the window.
It was around this time that she forgot how to use the phone and she started to leave the house dressed inappropriately for the weather multiple times a day walking miles to buy a newspaper.
If you spoke to her you’d never think there was anything wrong, her mobility and speech were perfect.
She went into a residential home for two years until her mobility started to decline. She then spent a further 5 years in nursing care. She had Alzheimer’s for 13 years in total.
All I can say is you need to be one step ahead with planning really as often it’s a crisis that pushes the decision to place into a home.
The fact that she’s now having difficulty with toileting really points to her needing someone with her 24/7. She likely is sound all sorts when your not around.
We found tissues rolled up with all sorts in it when clearing her house, clothing in the oven, packets of cooked meat in the bathroom cabinet, money stashed everywhere. I don’t think we realised how bad she was until she went into the home.
It’s so hard but at least you know she’ll be safe, warm, dressed appropriately etc

Suzi888 · 05/11/2021 17:23

I mean had she just stepped in it from the bathroom?

My aunt had dementia and it never got that bad regarding toileting, thank goodness. It can go that way though, it affects people in different ways.

Smartiepants79 · 05/11/2021 17:22

It’s so sad ☹️. I would doubt it will just go away again - any sign of any physical illness that might have caused it??
It is truly heartbreaking but it is unlikely that she is suddenly going to happily agree to go into a care home. She sounds like she doesn’t have the capacity to make that decision. I fear social services may have to be involved and you are going to have to insist on some help at the very least. This may involve you becoming unavailable to do the care yourself. It sounds like it’s not sustainable long term. Dementia is an awful thing.

Suzi888 · 05/11/2021 17:21

I’m sorry, it’s such a horrible disease.

I’d contact adult social services and see if she could get some carers to go on a few times a day, to assist with personal hygiene, medication, food and drink, they may also help her into bed.

If she is deemed to have capacity and does not wish to go into a nursing home, no one can make her at this stage.

As for the poo, had she had an accident of some kind and gotten it on her clothing or not made it in time or actually gone to the toilet on the floor do you think… Either way she needs more assistance at home if she wants to stay there Flowers

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