Mum is increasingly emotionally needy, need 'gentle boundary' advice

Op its hard. Mine is 80. Nobody near or they have young kids. I can only do so much in my week. Its difficult. Mine is negative negative doesnt help.

I know this thread is a few months old but did your Mum keep up the Antidepressants? What is the situation like now?@keepingthisanon

@keepingthisanon I wondered how your Mum is doing and if you found anything that helped as I have been feeling in a similar situation. Thanks.

So glad she didn't dismiss it out of hand but if she doesn't go to the GP soon, do keep having the conversation. Realistically, she could be here for another 20 years and spending those in a depressed state sounds bloody awful.

You sound lovely, OP.

Like others have said - do not assume this is forever. Pretty much everyone is depressed and lonely right now - it an epidemic.

Treat her like you would a close friend, and don’t assume that she is ‘your problem’. The suggestion of having a regular time of the day when you call her is a really good one. For it to work well you need to be really reliable, but it will keep you in control.

@PanicBuyingSprouts

I've come to the conclusion that it is attention-seeking with my Mum. As soon as one thing is sorted we are on to the next problem.

It sounds wicked written down but I have recently paid my Mum far less attention than I have for many years as it had become a very one sided relationship. Every time I phoned her there was a problem to sort or something to moan about. She had absolutely no interest in me whatsoever and I dreaded phoning her. Interestingly, she has been much better in herself and has started to take a bit more responsibility.

flower that's exactly where we are. My DM's GP had been trying to prescribe her ADs for years but she simply won't take them, even after my DF died and she was super low. She won't even discuss the possibility that she may be depressed.

Me and my DSis have discussed this many times and it's eased the mental burden we feel towards her. She is 86 but physically very fit but the depression has been going on for many, many years with her unwilling to accept any help. Ultimately, there is only so much you can do isn't there?

@keepingthisanon like a PP said, I'd try and discuss POA for health and finance with her as well as a check up at the GP. If she's withdrawing from her friends it sounds as though she definitely needs some additional support.

My DFIL eventually spoke to the GP earlier this year. I don't know if medication was discussed but he did accept Counselling which had been transformative. Truly amazing to see.

I would say that you need to be pretty careful here. If your Mum is receptive to help then by all means make some suggestions to her in terms of things she can get involved with/make friends.

You might find though (like many of us on here) that you are on a hiding to nothing. I have made what seems like a million suggestions to my Mum but nothing is ever right. She would be far happier ringing me five times a day. Trouble is, I just do not have the time or the inclination to service these calls.

I do what I can to help but ultimately everyone is responsible for their own happiness. It sounds like your Mum is fit and active. To a certain extent you need to push back and let her sort it. Unless she is directly asking for your help she probably won't value being given advice.

My Mum was given a low dose of an AD to help with arthritis pain and she mellowed out noticeably after - though obvs pain management would cheer anyone up!

My mum’s similar. I’ve found having a set day every week for us to go out has helped so maybe would with ringing? “work is manic at the moment so I’ll start ringing you about 6pm” then don’t answer until then. Would she join any classes? Going to water aerobics and an exercise class really improved my mum’s mental health and they’re brilliant for meeting people.

I've noticed that MIL is much lonelier after Covid. Even though she is getting on with it now that she's been vaccinated many of her age group are not, they haven't driven in a year and are super nervous about doing anything never mind indoors. It's almost as though she is having to build a new network of friends.

Have any of her friends or neighbours been ill or died recently? Sometimes that can knock people a bit sideways for a while.

Older people are often v resistant to using medication to help mood. And depression is very under diagnosed in the older population.
My dad has pretty advanced dementia, and 6 months ago we finally persuaded mum to allow him to try sertraline as suggested by the GP. Result? Almost overnight change. Still has the dementia but where before his head was down and he was withdrawn, he now looks around and engages (in his way) with the world.
Worth a chat.

She does have friends but is withdrawing from them That’s something I recognise in myself when my depression is creeping up on me again

My mum will throw an absolute tantrum if I have to change a visit or miss a call. She won't ring me instead...I'll just get a passive aggressive text message.

Even if I'm unwell she'll make her displeasure known if I don't fulfil my obligations.

Suggest you tell her that you will phone after work daily, unless it is an emergency

Can she join some local clubs ?
Join library - full of info about local events
Can she become a telephone friend for someone
Does she go on holidays ?
Join an exercise class
Join National Trust or a similar organisation
Volunteer
College course

I don’t think a phone call a day and seeing her a couple of times a week is needy.
I’d take her to the gp for her low mood though.

Name change failed! Oh well it's not outing really

Thanks for the suggestions [heart]. She does have friends but is withdrawing from them so yes I think I might broach the GP with her....I do hope we can work together to improve things as women in her family live into their nineties and she's healthier than most of them! Although...dementia has been a creeping worry at the back of her mind as her mother had it....and still lived to 88....but it wasn't a good life.

Oof, 5 times a day...yeah I need to do some work before it gets to that point. I think tonight I'll have a proper talk with her about what she might enjoy and how we can facilitate that. Thanks again x

She sounds depressed. Should see the doc maybe?