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Elderly parents
Original poster

Really struggling with disabled parent.

28 replies

Duchess379 · 03/10/2021 22:25

I don't actually know where to begin. I'm 45yrs old, an only child & am the sole carer for my mum, who, in 2017 suffered several strokes which culminated in heart failure & she needed a triple heart bypass. Whilst recovering, she got a blood clot on her lung. Since that time, her mobility has got so bad, she is constantly falling over, causing her more injuries.

She was hospitalised last month because she was complaining of chest pains. She ended up in hospital for 4 days. Dr's noticed her mobility was bad & arranged physio & zimmer frames to help her move about. When she got home, we had nurses come around for 10 days to help her wash etc & she was supposed to have a physio attend. He came once & said he's going to his sister wedding in India for 3 weeks so someone else would fill in. No-one has come back.

Now mum's mobility is non existent. She is literally dragging her right leg. And then her knees buckle & she drops like a sack of potatoes. She isn't a small person & I struggle to get her back up again. In the past 2 weeks she's crashed into a TV & mirror wardrobes, smashing them to smithereens. She falls over every day somewhere in the house, in her bedroom, the bathroom, the landing. She's covered in bruises & is such a dead weight, it's impossible to help her. If I try pulling her arms, she screams like a little girl & cries that I'm hurting her. I nearly had to call for an ambulance a few nights ago because I couldn't figure out how to get her back up.

When we finally have her on her feet, she can shuffle towards the sofa or her bed. Then we eventually get her on the bed & I think she's settled, she wants to get back up for the toilet. It takes her so long to get back up that sometimes she doesn't make it & wets her clothes. So now I have to strip her & get clean clothes. I get her back in bed again & 20 mins later I can hear her clonking about with her Zimmer frame, then 'thump', she's fallen over. Because she wants her hairbrush. Or her massage wand. Or something else. She's not comfy. Pillows are too hard. Bed is uncomfortable. It goes on & on. I literally don't have any time to myself.

And it's almost like she doesn't want to try. She gets close to the bed/sofa & just collapses.

I'm just finding it all so hard & was wondering if anyone else out there in the same situation?

OP posts:
kristplankook · 03/10/2021 22:53

How is her mental capacity? Does she understand her own needs and the impact it is having on her and you?

It's all very well saying contact social service and trigger the care protocols, whatever those are supposed to be. If she has mental capacity she can say no to an assessment and no to respite.

You can however take a step back and tell her you can't cope anymore and hopefully she will realised how much she is relying on you and take help from social services.

It's very easy for people to say call social services and say you won't be helping anymore but it's never that simple. Most people couldn't do that to their family member and back off completely. Social services are not the magic answer.

There's barely any care available at the moment, dom care agencies a re struggling to recruit and handing back packages of care and respite is filling up with people who have no other option as there's no dom care. So even if social services could respond straight away there's not likely to be much help around.

Not trying to make you feel worse OP, this is just reality at the moment.

Obviously that doesn't mean don't ask for an assessment (if mum agrees) but don't expect instant help. It would get the ball rolling and might help you feel there's light at the end of the tunnel.

If mum is likely to be a self-funder and consents then maybe see if you can source care yourself - often (some) providers suddenly have room when someone is paying privately as there's more money on offer.

Speak to the GP as well, as having care coming in won't solve the problems of wetting herself as that is not something that can be timed to have carers there. Same with falls.

Also think about and talk to mum about possibly going to residential care long term - e.g. if you were not there would she be okay at home on her own, even if carers did come in. Doesn't sound like she's safe at the moment.

gogohm · 03/10/2021 22:37

Was coming to say the same - adult social services, say she has no help. If she has savings over £16k she will probably have to pay so in that case could be easier just to call care agencies yourself rather than wait. Alternatively adult social services can arrange respite in a care home whilst longer term decisions are made - I think it's 6 weeks before you have to pay unless she meets the means test

DeJaDont · 03/10/2021 22:33

Op, you need to contact your local adult social services via the council and tell them you need an urgent assessment as you are absolutely 100% unable to provide care and your mum is at risk of serious and immediate harm. You must absolutely refuse to do any and all care for her. Only then will they trigger the correct care protocols.