DP expecting to live with me for care when we don't get on

First of all remember that you owe this tyrant NOTHING.
Then be aware that life is short, you have your own family and your own physical and mental well-being to prioritise. You would ruin your life and your family’s lives if you had him contaminating your home.
Forget about his will. He would most likely leave everything away from you anyway or hold it over you repeatedly to manipulate and control you.

While I'm not afraid of confrontation when it's needed, I agree with those here who advise being noncommittal, and just saying something along the lines of "we can talk about that when the time comes". Don't waste your time or emotional energy in an argument that will feed him and drain you. But privately resolve to stick to your guns, should the occasion ever arise.

My dad sounds like yours

I decided years ago that I didn’t care for any of his cash and nothing he could leave me would ever compensate for having his malevolent nature in my life. Nothing can beat the freedom of being with people that you want to be..... your freedom is precious OP! Stand your ground!

I am Boundaried to fuck.

I’ve never even spent Xmas with him as an adult, have just ignored any obligations and go my own sweet way.

Do that.

And if you can’t do that then smile and nkd and carry on regardless

As PPs have said, "hmm" or "mm hmm" your way through all of this.

Should the time come that any elderly person needs care, it is not in their interest to receive amateur part time care from someone who doesn't want to do it and dislikes them.

That's the sort of fraught situation that can lead to neglect or abuse of the elderly (I'm not saying you would of course, just that it's not a position it's a good idea to be in).

So should the need for care arise, it would be in your Dad's interest as well as yours for you to do only what you can do willingly and reliably.

Lastly, it really might never happen. I worried about what might happen particularly with my Mum. But in the event both parents died without much in-home care. I do hope the same will be true for the 4 oldies who I have POA for - if not, I'll deal with it when it comes to it. Don't steal joy from the present to pay off a debt that may never occur in the future.

Firstly has your Dad got a will and do you have a copy. He might not even have done one.. lots of old people unless they are very savvy and with lots to leave don’t have one. Or they have some hand written nonsense that hasn’t been properly witnessed.

Wait until the time comes. Then decide what is going to happen.

My "D"M is very much like your DF.

If you've not spoken to your DM, please don't. If I've realised one thing with my M it's that she will never consider anyone else or their feelings.

I decided many years ago that DM was never moving in with us.

She is getting older now and I'm finding I do more care but I also put my foot down and say when things can be bought in.

One thing I've don't fir the last 20 years or so is just walk away or end the call if she's misbehaving. Bit like training a toddler. It took a long while but it's finally dawned on her that if she starts being aggressive, rude or belittling I get my coat and leave. Doesn't matter what reason I was there for I just leave.

As others have said, there's a high chance he'll go before your DM then you can go NC.

If the worst happens and he's admitted to hospital and tells them all that he's coming to live with you, you just tell the Discharge Team and his SW that it's not happening.

Try not to let him torment you like this, easier said than done though I know

Don’t put yourself through the stress of arguments and nastiness by saying anything now. It’s something that won’t arise until your mum has died, and you can just cut contact. Social workers will accept you saying “I’m not in a position to offer any help”. Likelihood is that he’ll die first.

Meanwhile either ignore the comments by saying neutral things like “too soon to be worrying about that” “no need to worry about that, most people never need care”. Learn a phrase that you can use, so you can trot it out automatically without thinking about it, and without it stirring emotions in you.

Does not dies! Ouch that was an auto correct!

You don't need to say anything
Not now

You can just say, we'll see dad and will support you as best we can

Reality is that dad may die before mum. It's 50/50

Or that dad may lack capacity to decide if he develops memory loss.

But, you don't need to care for him at your home. Don't start an argument with a difficult man when he may never need your help. If he dies later in, then you can be unavailable

Decide what your boundaries are.

Defend them.

Say no to anything you don't want to do. I do a nice line in "lol, no" when someone pushes up against my boundaries. If they are smart, you only need say it once

One of three scenarios will happen:

1. Your dad dies before your mum. If you want to care for her, you can.

2. Your mother dies before your dad. You go no contact. Sorted.

3. Both of your parents get more frail and you find yourself getting sucked in to care for him as a way to relieve the burden on her. Be very clear ahead of time what you will & won't do and have a strategy to ready to deploy to maintain your boundaries.

Op, in the nicest way possible, he's not stressing you out, you're doing that to yourself because in your head you actually believe that he has the power to control you.

You don't owe him taking care of him, and you don't owe him justifying why you won't. You know he will not listen to you or your mom, so this conversations will just cause you more stress.

You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself!

When he mentions that again, smile to yourself thinking about what a surprise it'll be to him, many years from now (and IF he actually outsurvives your mom), when he discovers that you actually won't!

whenever he tells you you're going to care for him, just tell him straight away "No, I will not to that, so you need to make other arrangements".

Does he think he be like A- some old 1890s film where he’s lord of manor with bell or banging stick on the floor and you come running at slightest thing. When the food is cold orLate or Not up to standard he can shout scream tell you how useless you are? Remind you about being cut out will at slightest thing and find out he’s left it all to batasea dogs home.

Or B- does he think he be happy in your spare room and wait patiently for you have time to bring him cup of tea and consider himself very lucky?

All theoretical as you aren’t getting that far. But can bet your bottom dollar he’s not thinking situation B

Why are you stressing about something that won't happen? You are not going to care for him in any way, shape of form. What he thinks is irrelevant. Supposing your mother died first, you then just leave him be. Don't be at his beck and call to shop/clean/bring him to appointments, don't be a contact point for medical staff etc. Just step right back. There is no need to speak to your mother about it as it's a non event. Let him carry on thinking you'll do it all. If and when the time comes you won't be seen for dust and he can figure it all out for himself.

I'm going to speak to mum later and ask her to speak to him and try and make him look at it from my point of view

Don't do this ! He sounds horrible - it's never going to happen that he'll "see things from your point of view".

Just ignore the subject - if he says something, just trot out a rehearsed comment like " we'll talk about that when the time comes" . And then go make a cup of tea and ignore him.

Simple choice to make
Inheritance or sanity??
End of worry.

Sorry op, been out all day - just got back.

He is so so mean with money and does not want to spend on those things. Wants me to do everything. I'm an only child

So he thinks that by holding the money/will issue you over you, that you are as mean as him, and will do what he says in order to not be cut out of his will.
As I said before. Stuff that.
If he moved in with you he would not contribute a penny towards his costs and basically he would put you in your mothers place . Think about this very hard because that would be horrific.

But he hasn't been a lovely dad!! He's made my life hell sometimes

Lovey, it took me until I was in my mid 50's before I plucked up the courage to walk, move house, send a letter to him and go NC.

50+ plus years of feeling shame, and pitied, guilty, sick with fear, fat, stupid, a failure and anything else he cared to load on me - can you imagine that.?

I took him out of my life and now I'm none of those things - 'xcept maybe a tad too much chocolate style fat - but who cares!

You have said you have health and mobility problems - AND Teenagers!!! which you need to focus on - not the miserly whinings of someone who made your life hell - and will do so again if you allow him so much as a toe over the threshold.

Don't be like me. He . won't . change. EVER! Get those barriers up now. Harden your emotions against him and save them for those that deserve them .
He will still have a choice. He can either pay out for care like most others are facing having to do, or he can sit and wallow in the misery pit of his own making.

Stand firm. Take the life YOU WANT. Be that girl that walked out and left home.....AND REMEMBER WHY..... It's waiting for you.

Sounds like something you say to exercise control and fear Over someone. Just be grey rock don’t rise to it. Worse comes worse he ends up in hospital then there’s conversation with discharge team. He says he’s living with you. You put everyone straight.

My DP was on his way back from taking his parents to a relatives funeral and his mum in the back said what a shame it was they didn't have kids because it was a child's duty to look after their parents, taking them in if necessary - that's why they had 3 kids - and she said they knew they could rely on DP being the eldest
He nearly stopped the car!
And said he bloody well wouldn't they could think again! She'd always put her husband first - never the kids so he wouldn't dream of ever living with them again! And that's the end of it!
It was a very quiet journey home
I nearly kissed him when he got back!
His mum has died now and his dad expects to everybody else do things for him - he never learnt to drive and won't spend money on cabs - I won't have him in the house again after one unforgettable Christmas when he came to stay and started being absolutely vile to me Christmas night when DP was out of the room
Fortunately he lives 2 hours drive away - their choice to move away years ago
Middle son now has to help him - we did our bit when they lived near us
And middle son has "borrowed" neatly 30K from him, so he says he has paid for him to take him shopping every week etc
Hateful man
Just tell him straight so that there is no expectation and no emotional blackmail

That future where he's alone and needs looking after may never happen so I wouldn't be drawn into an argument about it. It's a discussion for another day, not now. No-one knows what the future will bring, you could break your neck falling down the stairs and go first. There's no point having a fight now about something that might never happen. Find yourself a phrase you are happy with and trot it out every time he starts up about it. "oh, not this again. I've told you, we'll cross that bridge if we come to it" and change the subject.

If he knows it winds you up and gets a kick out of doing it then boredom rather than anxiety is your strategy.

He’s probably only saying it to wind you up. Do some work on yourself and in the meantime just make noncommittal noises. Light grey rock.
He puts you down to big himself up, less ammunition, less lift.
The chances are he’ll go before your mum, he might be panicking about what a nice time she’ll have without him!

Just make nothing. No point in having the arguments unless the situation actually arises. Just ignore his comments and change the subject.