I have had enough !

OP, you have my full sympathy. It's absolutely exhausting, frustrating, unreasonable and unfair.

I hope your therapist can help you to work out some practical boundaries and that between you, your DB and the GP, you can get your DM to accept some help, companionship, support.

I can't offer any solutions, I'm afraid, but I had one thought - just before covid (thankfully), we asked a lovely neighbour of MiL's if we could try to connect to her WiFi and use our own iPad to FaceTime with overseas relatives. It worked, and MIL loved it enough that we got her an iPad for her birthday which was a godsend during lockdown. She is the least person in the world, and wouldn't have a clue how to use it to google (imagined) symptoms etc, she just uses it to FaceTime. Any chance you could try that? You'd need a very kind and close neighbour, and an excuse such as seeing a grandchild she hasn't seen for a while or similar. But it may be worth a try?

May I suggest Wiltshire farm foods. Then you don't have to go the batch cooking and you can order and get them delivered when you can't/don't want to go. My fil doesn't ever go out and complains that we don't give him enough attention, this was when we were there 4\5 times a week at least. It is never enough.

Hello loulou4343, I'm the poster with the other impossible mum on the post about wanting 'looking after'. It sounds like we are in the same boat and I can appreciate how draining it really is.

My mum is in a care home round the corner for a weeks respite care. She wants me to visit her but I literally can't... I need a break. I feel so low. I can understand the hyperventilating in the car, I know that feeling. you feel so ALONE with it. My mum has always had a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, though I've only just found out that's what it's called. Selfish Cow Disorder basically. You might want to read about that.
Glad to hear your therapist helps, I'm looking into getting myself one too.

You and your brother need to pull together much more on this. Is there any real reason why he could not take her to some of these appointments, or is it just that she doesn’t want to ask him and defaults to you, as her daughter.

You need to put your foot down a bit here, with your brother hopefully singing from the same hymn sheet. You will do some, but not all.

You and your brother also do have your own lives too. Carers may need to be accepted for at least a good portion of the time to give you both peace of mind when you aren’t there, and to take some of the strain off.

You might both need to have a frank and open discussion with your mother about what is and isn’t manageable and why, and what must be done to mitigate it (i.e. carers will be needed, the cleaner must come every week instead of fortnightly). Honestly, I am so glad my own mother has accepted this sort of help as neither my sister or I live nearby. We do what we can, carers come in three times a day, she has a cleaner and a gardener. A problem would be picked up same day and help sought. They also have my mobile number and also my sister’s.

If your mother digs her heels in and argues then you will have to have to stick to your guns. The other way lies insanity, I’m afraid.

Handhold OP, you are in a tough situation. Good luck.

I am glad you have been able to be firm with her. You have to set some boundaries to stay sane. Time to be firm with your brother!

Been there…

Have you had a serious talk with your brother?

Next time there is an appointment have him take her. Even if she thinks you are going. Say you are simply unavailable.

Tell your brother that this is affecting your own life and you are struggling timewise , mentally and emotionally, and that when he pops in with shopping he needs to stop and chat with her.

Reticence to accept care is common. My Mum was a good, kind, v self sufficient unselfish Mum, but as her age and frailty grew remained adamant that they did not want carers, apparently oblivious to the huge amount of support we were giving.

In the end we just had to gang up and say ‘this is what is happening’.

The carers visits were originally moaned about (didn’t hang tea towels up properly, etc etc etc). But quite quickly became accepted and looked forward to.

Making Change is hard but well worth the effort. Be clear and resolute with your brother, develop a team approach.

Good luck!

She's making excuses, it's normal. But for something like that you need to be firm and tell her to contact your brother if she needs assistance. You said he lives closer and could go there for 15min, pay the bill, say hi and make sure everything is ok

I am not trying to load you with guilt - just saying that old people have a lot to deal with at a time when their abilities are waning. And that, in the main, it will come to us all.

You need to be clear what you CAN do and stick to that. And your brother needs to step up; even if she is saying she wants you.

Not all old people can be David Attenborough or Sheila Hancock!

You need to hold a conversation with your brother.
You need to limit your visits.
You need to organise transport other than you for medical visits.

But the other side of this coin is that it is very very hard to be old, frightened and alone - it really is. Watching one's own health fail in small relentless steps is bloody scary; and apparently "unreasonable" refusals to do things can often be based on fear and loss of confidence.

We all age in our own different ways and no doubt you are thinking that you will never do any of these things: but I bet you do!

I have spent a lot of time working with elderly people. Getting old is bloody tough.

I do feel the need to point out that your mum's paid into the system all her life so is morally completely entitled to use the NHS, but I totally get how you're feeling and sympathise.

This sounds dismal OP. Maybe make the visit every ten days instead of weekly. And stop taking her to appointments when your nearby brother is able and willing. Be more robust in general.

OP it seems you need to be a little firmer.

You said she refused to move in closer to you and now demands your time. It seems like you don't have that time to spare

Book a time every week where you go to see her (weekend?) to have lunch with her or something. And besides that, you can talk a bit on the phone, when you're cooking or something. You can help her and keep her some company but you can't stop your life

Stand firm and let her use hospital transport. That might cure her of her need for a proper investigation. Being picked up hours early, driven all round the houses, then hanging around waiting for the trip home.

Just to add, she can pay a care agency to provide companionship, chat and take her out, and take her to appointments. So it doesn't have to be all on you. Of course she won't want this at first, but that's her choice. You aren't obliged to do more than you want, just because she wants you rather than anyone else.

I would visit and say I AM going to walk up the road....whatever ...and see if she comes. Garden centres, national trust, river walks all at slow pace and we stop for a coffee or ice cream but they gave me some comfort and were good for her. She never ever wanted to do them but always enjoyed them.

If you take 10 mins out for a stroll or pick up some shopping and then go back she has had had time to think about where you might be and consider joining you

@UrbanRambler is absolutely right.