Care home visits - how often?

My dad used to visit my grandmother daily and the staff would make a huge fuss out of how amazingly devoted he was - I suspect that that was partially because he's a man but it was clear that most residents were visited a lot less frequently - if you looked at the visitors' book then unless it was mothers day or something there would normally only be a small handful each day and there were 30 residents.

I see MIL once a week and mum twice a week. Both are a bit vague about recent history so I doubt if either of them would notice if I didn't go for a week or two but as neither of them has other reliable visitors I make the effort.

Mum is five minutes away and I can do my own covid test so if she's had enough of me after twenty minutes and is itching to get back to the lounge then that's fine. She can't talk for long without everything turning into word salad, I'd rather do two half hour visits than a single hour because it's hard work finding something to talk about.

MIL's home insist on doing the covid test and it's 25 minutes away so it's an hour's investment before I get through the door. On days where she can't take her eyes from the tv I last about half an hour.

My mum has advanced dementia and I go once a week.

My father moved to a nursing home two years ago due to a rapidly developing neurodegenerative disease. I usually visit once a week. I bring a home-cooked meal, so we eat dinner together. I would like to visit more often but as his disease has progressed visits are getting somewhat traumatic.

I think it's really a personal choice - there is no normal and that's why staff aren't giving you an answer.
My Dad had the same and I use me to visit weekly. When he became less well I found it difficult and at times visited less often as I found it hard and he didn't know who I was.
When he got an infection and we decided for him not to go to hospital for treatment and I knew he had days - short weeks to live I stayed with him until he died xx

To clarify - I've just got Essential Care Giver approval which is why I can go in and help with meals. Before that we were only allowed half an hour once a week!

I work in a care home and before covid we had some relatives that would come every day, some once/twice weekly and others once in a blue moon. At the moment we are by appointment only so mostly it's once weekly/fortnightly.
Once a week sounds ok to me, don't put pressure on yourself to get in more if once a week is what you can do. You're doing ok!

When my mum was in a care home she had a visitor everyday BUT there were 6 of us plus grandchildren and nieces and nephews. Two of my brothers didn't visit because they didn't like to see mum like that🤔🤔

I think 2/3 times a week would be ok.

My mum didn't know us for the last 2 years of her life. We usually stayed 2/4pm and would end up talking to other residents as my mum would wander off.
It was much better when we could take her out before her dementia advanced.

Btw, meant to add that my mum's home has "protected" meal times so we're not allowed to visit in those times. It makes things more difficult also because I work and have children so have to juggle around those. After dinner mum just wants to go to bed and sleep, so visiting after then seems useless!

At her old home I would visit and sit and chat while she ate - you could even book a meal for yourself and pay for it so that you could eat together, if you wanted. And then I would stay for a bit after, take her back to her room etc. I'm unable to do that now.

I visit alternate days more or less for between 30 mins to an hour and a half when I help with meals. I would do less if I were working full time or had young kids. Zoom, screen and telephone visits didn't work for us either. Visiting IS hard work be kind to yourself.

Watching with interest to see how often others visit.

My mum went into a residential home in Summer 2019 as, after 3 strokes, her health had declined and she could no longer manage to live independently. Before covid I used to visit every other day, give or take (sometimes less) but quite often - say Mon, Wed, Fri, Sun but not always Sun. Visits were usually pleasant - she was pretty much herself aside from speech and mobility issues.

Summer 2020 she had another stroke and had to move to a nursing home. It's very near to where she was so it's not much further for me to travel (about 25 minutes drive). However, she's completely different now. Visits are very traumatic - she gets stressed, sometimes tries to hit me, loses her temper, tells me to fuck off. There's only a short period in the day where she's fit for a visit. I've been aiming for 2 visits a week. My visits are getting shorter as they're exhausting and she starts to get abusive and angry.

I used to try to do FaceTime but she can't hold a screen and just pushes it away when the staff hold it for her.

I'm sorry that you're also in this position. It's so hard and the guilt is so real, but there's nothing you can do.