Care home visits - how often?

I work in care and honestly there is no normal.

Some residents just about get a visit once a at some point near their birthday. One resident with severe imparement (can't move or speak, doubly incontinent, needs add to eat and drink), her daughter comes in four /five times a week to wash and dress and feed her.

Others come in once a week and just sit with them and have a cuppa.

Some come in and take them out for a few hours.

It really depends on what works for you, and your relationship with your relative.

When dps Nan was in a care home, we visited roughly once a week and so did mil, so she had about two visits a week. But her care home was walking distance from our house

I think it depends a lot on how close you live to the home. I moved my father into a home 10 minutes away so it was easy to visit. I would pop in usually 3 times a week. I could make us both a cup of tea and stay for just half an hour. Later on I would sometimes find him asleep so would get a cup of tea and sit there for 10 minutes and if he didn't wake I could just go home again as it wasn't far. It also makes a difference if there are other relatives who regularly visit. My brother also visited once a week. If you work and have young family then I am sure once a week is enough. However if you visit more you can see that they are being well looked after and check if there are any problems.

I couldn't go this week as my dd was poorly I felt so bloody guilty !

we've been going in daily sometimes twice a day as essential care givers to assist with meals. When Mum first went in she was in isolation for 14 days but after 10 days they asked us to come in as she had lost so much weight (her rings fell off and we were asked to collect) . She does eat but needs lots of support. These visits are not really sustainable longterm due to work and other family commitments so we are trying to find a balance. Also she has no short term memory so is not aware of say me visiting her at lunchtime when my brother calls in to see her in the evening. I would say ideally once/twice a week would be fine and what I'm hoping to get to.

I visit my mum who has mid stage dementia fortnightly. I used to go more often but, frankly even if I went daily, she'd accuse me of not going for years so for my own sanity, it's fortnightly. I call her on the phone every other day and aunt calls her on the days that I don't.

I ended up at the doctor with stress and he said go less frequently, "she won't remember, look after yourself first". So fortnightly for an hour or so it is.

'just don't notice' I mean to say in the last paragraph.

My late mother had Parkinson's and when she was in a nursing home, my Dad visited most days - all this pre-Covid of course. Some spouses do that and it works. I'd visit once or twice a week but families are different and I had no responsibilities. If you have siblings that can spread things out a bit. That said, the nursing home followed a stint in hospital so always had an association with an emergency, I think in Surrey they fast-track some of the elderly for nursing homes if they have a stint in hospital and have something like Parkinson's.

After one nursing home nearly killed her and nobody ever got into trouble for it, nobody ever does, the home had failed its CQC on all counts and nobody told us, the relatives, she went into hospital for a month and a half. After that I'm afraid I had to take it in turns with my sister for the rest of her life to visit daily as nobody would give her enough drink. I gradually came to accept that she was on secret 'end of life' care which really means 'ending life' care. That she was being killed by the State via dehydration or reduced fluid intake, a variation of the Liverpool Care Pathway. If it's estimated someone has less than 3 months to live, they can be put on this I understand, and the family don't need to be informed.

However, to be fair not everyone who has a parent with Parkinson's seems to have experienced this or maybe they just don't noice. I'll point out that Mum's life had value to us and her - she was up for a day out to the local park and took an interest in things, she just didn't speak much, but facially and in terms of rapport she was very much at the races.

Dad has advanced dementia. I visit once a week with my mum. He’s extremely frail, bed bound, doubly incontinent, doesn’t recognise us and responds more to staff/ television (or sleeps through).

I get pangs of guilt for not visiting more but come away from visits emotionally exhausted. It’s been nine long years since his diagnosis and the hardest road I’ve ever walked so I comfort myself that he’s in a good place being well looked after.

Be guided by what you are okay with because everyone’s circumstances are unique. I think a lot depends on your relationship too.

@Mucky1 all care home residents should be able to nominate an essential care giver. That person should then be assessed and visits should be to meet needs. That can include emotional support as well as assisting with care tasks (personal care, eating, etc.). The visits don't have to follow the homes standard visiting policy and there shouldn't be blanket rules. There would still need to be covid testing/ PPE as appropriate. It might be worth your gentleman talking to the home about this and the impact on his wife's wellbeing of the current arrangements.

Info here click

I have an elderly gent that comes into my work, he's cared for his elderly wife (him 86 her 84) until it all got to much recently.
She's now in a local nursing home and he's allowed one weekly visit!
They've not spent a day apart in their 64 year marriage and this is just so cruel
I'm trying to facilitate face time calls between them at the min with me because he doesn't even have a mobile let alone a laptop and that's the only thing the home will suggest.
He's so upset and blaming himself for not being able to manage at home and I'm furious for him.
I realise the home are at a very real risk of a covid outbreak but this is barbaric.

Dad got visited every 3 days pre covid, mainly by me. Now we’re back visiting, I go once a week, and write him a letter once a week, and I’m staying for a little over-an hour rather than 2-3 hours. He lipreads, so can’t hear me with-a mask, so visits are me sitting with an encouraging smile while he delivers a monologue.

It was easier pre covid because I could fit visits between my own activities, now I have to make an appointment and fit everything round that

My mum went into a care home sixteen months before she died. My dad visited four hours a day. Towards the end he cut down to two because he was exhausted, and I did the other two. So she had four hours of visits every day (apart from once) for sixteen months.

My grandma was many years in a care home with dementia. She asked me not to visit, so I didn't. She was upset that I didn't take her home. My mother went once in a blue moon and my aunt visited weekly.

I have a fair amount of contact with care homes for work. There isn't really a normal for visiting, some people go every day, some a couple of times a week, some maybe once a fortnight, some less often. Depends on all sorts of things (including covid still at the moment).

If you can take things with you when you visit it can sometimes make it a bit easier than just sitting in a room. Old photo albums to look through or there are some good "scrap book" type books that cover different time periods, 40s 50s 60s etc. A pack of cards or box of dominos, puzzle books or a magazine based on interests (fishing, cats, cars, gaming whatever). Find favourite music on your phone. Eat biscuits.

It is really difficult when you are trying to cope with your own emotions and balance your other responsibilities so try not to feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself too.

This is really helpful for me too. Mum is still in the hospital waiting for a place and I'm hoping that she eventually moves to one of the two homes that are within walking distance of our house. I don't know how often I will be visiting her - when she was in the general hospital rather than the rehab centre I went every other day and my cousin, uncles and daughter visited her as well. I can't imagine visiting her every day again.

When my father was in a care home with advanced dementia someone visited everyday.

My mother and sister lived a couple of miles from him so went the most often. I lived 1.5 hours drive away and went twice a week.

When my MIL first went into her dementia home (2.5 hours away) I tried to go once every three weeks. My SIL went up every second weekend and stayed one or two nights in MIL's house, and when that had to be sold, in a Premier inn or something, so she got two visits in. Back then it was possible to take MIL out to a cafe or a park.

Once she deteriorated to the point that the frequency of our visits didn't mean anything to her and she no longer was able to get into a car, SIL gradually went to every third weekend etc, and persuaded me to cut down too (I also had my own mum to visit in extra care1.5 hours away).

Fortunately by the time lockdown happened, my MIL didn't know who we were and didn't get anything from our visits. We only went for ourselves. Now she's just a shell, and it's only once every couple of months for me.

Sorry that was meant to be a sad face not a laughing face.

My lovely mum is in a care home which is an hour and a half away from where I live. She has vascular dementia. I visit once a week and occasionally more often. She still recognises me and talks a little. It is very sad. 😂

My dad had lewy bodies dementia. Nursing home approx 30 minutes away from all family. I visited infrequently - probably once every six weeks/2months. My mum visited weekly, until the last year and then it was once a fortnight. He had no idea who either of us where by the time he went into the nursing home and frequently upset my mum with his comments as he couldn't believe he was married to an old woman. It was soul destroying. My sister visited weekly without fail. He did recognise her, but one of the care assistants was the spitting image of her, so we were never sure who he was actually recognising,!

I think it's very much personal choice. Don't go out of guilt, or because you feel you have to. Don't feel pressured. Your mental health is important.

My mum has Parkinson’s dementia but still remembers us. Dad is still in the family home and has dementia as well so he has forgotten what mum is like so finds the visits very upsetting. I was visiting twice a week but visits were so awful and didn’t seem to benefit anyone so I settled on once a week. If my mum was thrilled to see me and her face ‘lit up’ as happens with my friend’s dad I would go more often but she is not bothered. Visits are often awful and I hate them. Good luck to you and all of us who are going through this.

Once a week, one phone call and I drop in little bits of shopping once a week without seeing them.
If you try 2/3 a week, as well as family and work, you’ll be shattered.
Postcards are fun, mine blutacs them up.

My mum goes to see my grandmother 3 times a week on average. Sometimes more if she’s going through a bad patch.
When mum is away I go instead.
I also try and go once a fortnight at least myself.
My grandmother is 101 but still of pretty sound mind.
I think you need to weigh up how much benefit your visits have to him. Sometimes with dementia patients the benefits are minimal but it obviously depends on the stage of his dementia.
Also how near by are you? We’re only 10 minutes away.

If you can commit to weekly I think you're doing really well.