Page 3 | Told mum I'll go no contact if she cancels POA

Morango · 2021-08-30T09:56:13+00:00

I have been wrangling with my mother for years over getting a POA done. I have assured her it is for the future and needed to be done before a crisis occurred. She refused for years to admit she had memory issues and has been quite horrible over the years. Finally she agreed it was in her best interests and I made arrangements which included family members and I taking time off work and driving many hundreds of miles to do it. We made sure she understood what she was signing and it took place in the home of a dear family friend whom she trusts and who acted as the certificate provider. Now the OPG has written to all of us she has said I have done this behind her back and she is going to cancel it and I am only after her money. When I reminded her of the circumstances of the signing she did start to recall and then admitted that I wasn't after her money. I told her she was within her right to cancel it but that if she did I will have nothing further to do with her. She is quite a horrible selfish person and part of me hopes she'll call my bluff. Not sure why I'm posting about this but reaching out I suppose.

Original poster

Morango · 30/08/2021 19:11

Thank you, yes it is causing stress but everything I hear is that when she loses capacity (which will be soon) it's a nightmare to pay bills and arrange things.
Anyway I spoke to her earlier and se appears to have forgotten about it.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 30/08/2021 18:41

Whilst, POA certainly makes things easier, it’s not the end of the world if you don’t have one. Plenty of people don’t. If it’s causing this much stress, I wouldn’t bother.

AMBOG · 30/08/2021 18:33

My mum and dad set up POA many years ago thank goodness but when I activated it with the bank and they sent dad a letter he was very upset and rang me multiple times about it. In the end I went to their house and took the letter and he forgot about it.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/08/2021 11:30

@Knotaknitter

Mum forgot all about it in the six weeks between signing it and the paperwork landing in the post. She was raging because from her point of view it had all been done behind her back and was some devious plot to get hold of the house. It was only because she had received the paperwork that the plot had been revealed. It was a really difficult day but I suggested we talk about it calmly the next day when she'd come off the boil and I wasn't so hurt. I put the PoA in a safe place overnight and by the morning she'd forgotten anything had happened.

It's easier to think it's been done in secret than accept that you can't remember, it's the same as having people breaking in without leaving a trace and stealing from the fridge. It provides an explanation for what has happened that doesn't bring memory into it.

I got my mum to write on the envelope what it was, with the date and that it was to be kept safe in the hope that if she came across it she would recognise her own handwriting and we wouldn't go through the upset again.

If she cancels it does she know that if something happens such as a stroke she'll be paying a lot of money for an application for deputyship? Someone would have to look after her affairs, would she rather it be you or some random person? I stuck to the stroke/car accident/banged head scenarios as they could happen to anyone without warning and avoided the whole "there's nothing wrong with my memory" discussion.

Fantastic post. I agree with this gentle approach. Threats of going NC are cruel in my opinion, even though I understand you are frustrated and justifiably angry. But it’s not her doing it so much as her illness. You can’t punish away memory loss from Alzheimer’s and dementia.

Original poster

Morango · 30/08/2021 11:25

@Knotaknitter thank you for responding it sounds like you have been in the exact same position as I. Yes, it's very hurtful to be accused like this and it's not the first time.
I have used examples which avoid mentioning memory and explained that not having it will make things a nightmare for me.
I'm a full time working parent of an 11 year old with ADHD and think she's being so selfish. She says she loves me but it's just words really.
She has a diagnosis of Alzheimer's dementia and I recognise that a lot of her behaviour may spring from that but she was always a bit horrible so it's potentially just magnified it.
I do want to be a good daughter and ensure she's ok but not at the expense of my own mental health and my daughter's well being.

OP posts:

Scutterbug · 30/08/2021 11:19

Sounds like she needs a capacity assessment?

Knotaknitter · 30/08/2021 11:14

Mum forgot all about it in the six weeks between signing it and the paperwork landing in the post. She was raging because from her point of view it had all been done behind her back and was some devious plot to get hold of the house. It was only because she had received the paperwork that the plot had been revealed. It was a really difficult day but I suggested we talk about it calmly the next day when she'd come off the boil and I wasn't so hurt. I put the PoA in a safe place overnight and by the morning she'd forgotten anything had happened.

It's easier to think it's been done in secret than accept that you can't remember, it's the same as having people breaking in without leaving a trace and stealing from the fridge. It provides an explanation for what has happened that doesn't bring memory into it.

I got my mum to write on the envelope what it was, with the date and that it was to be kept safe in the hope that if she came across it she would recognise her own handwriting and we wouldn't go through the upset again.

If she cancels it does she know that if something happens such as a stroke she'll be paying a lot of money for an application for deputyship? Someone would have to look after her affairs, would she rather it be you or some random person? I stuck to the stroke/car accident/banged head scenarios as they could happen to anyone without warning and avoided the whole "there's nothing wrong with my memory" discussion.

campion · 30/08/2021 11:14

Sounds like she's already living with some degree of confusion so that outburst is probably par for the course.

POA requires the subject to be able to fully understand what they're signing when it's signed. Maybe she's moved beyond that now so it may not even be possible for her to cancel.
I've no legal knowledge but have already done POAs for DH and me after the nightmare of my DM not having one.

Things are obviously difficult for you but I'm not sure cancelling it will improve anything.

LookItsMeAgain · 30/08/2021 11:05

If I were in your shoes, I'd send a note to everyone that she sent her message to saying that you were only after her money, clarifying that you are not after her money, this was done with her full knowledge at the time and while she can decide to cancel the it but if she does, you have advised her that you'll have nothing whatever to do with her in the future - i.e. no care, no visits, nothing.
You're sending them this note because you just want them to be aware of the other side of the story and it's entirely up to her what happens next.
You want to clear your name where the 'money-grabbing' is concerned as it is not who you are.

That's what I would do.

toomuchlaundry · 30/08/2021 11:03

Is some of her thinking you are after her money part of dementia? DF got quite paranoid with his memory issues.
Try and keep the POA in place if you can. We couldn’t persuade DF to have one and it was an absolute nightmare when we thought he might need to go into a home and he didn’t have mental capacity to sort out his finances.