Told mum I'll go no contact if she cancels POA

I agree with longhours

If your mum has capacity then she has made a very unwise decision to undo the LPA finances and property as you were trying to help and now she will have no one. (Unless she has someone else in mind!)

You can't fix your mums strange choices that are detrimental to herself if she has capacity to do so.

You can take a big step back

But I hope you don't go NC because of this . Of course she will need you in the future and you can set limits as to what you will worry about or what you are prepared to do. It doesn't have to be All or Nothing in response to a silly decision she made

Is the LPA finances and property in place and agrees already? That's key...

Or has she challenged it having received the letter of notification of LPA application? - there is not much you can do as she is torpedoing the application

If it is in place and she has lost capacity, become paranoid and forgetful then you can ask GP to do capacity assessment and ask for support.

If as you Indicate, this is your mother with capacity being difficult then she has wasted £300-400 of her own money for the original court fees. And it will cost her far more in the future if or when she loses capacity to have a deputy arranged which can take many many months

Of course you can say "enough, I offered to help spent all that time on your instructions & why did you do this?"

However,
If a capacitated person writes to OPG to withdraw an LPA appointment , there is nothing further that can be done. It is a Mike drop moment

The financial can be activated with her permission. - provided the right box was ticked on the form

I've been very clear with my mum all along that the POA is so that she can make the decisions but I can reassure her, match things up and do legwork. She regularly panics that she has no money left and and having access to her bank account means I can alleviate that panic. She still has full access etc but we can stop that if she becomes so impaired that it's an unreasonable risk. I'm bloody lucky that she's so reasonable most of the time and that we have a good relationship. Also being frank about the fact that she's forgetful is important but as she gets worse she's resisting that more. It's shit and only going to get worse.

Pennina You have my sympathies. I think you should just assume the bank card route is as good as it’s going to get. I would be putting your energy into validating the new one. Does her bank provide services for deaf customers? My parents refused to give POA. It was only when my DM got sectioned that my DF realised we would be in a mess. At that point he passed us his bank card and gave us permission to withdraw cash. He died however within six weeks unexpectedly. I’d be withdrawing cash on her behalf several times a week to provide for the bills.

The problem is that my mother has no such friends. she became difficult and reclusive with middle age and this meant there was literally no one after my df died. I'm hoping her solicitor can help. All other family now dead too. There's just me and DH. her bank card is about to expire and she is too deaf to validate new one and won't let me help. (I want to get hearing aid people to visit her for new hearing aids but she refuses).

I think that if you have a difficult relationship with parents then the POA should be joint with a trusted friend of theirs. To hand over decision making to someone else is a huge decision and not to be taken lightly. When elderly people really start to struggle at home, the majority of family, particularly those living at a distance, are quite keen for the person to move to residential care so that they do not have to worry about them. This is not always the right decision for the person but if family have POA , they get to decide. It is a huge responsibility and personally I think it is best shared. This can make decisions more difficult but at least you know they have been discussed thoroughly and thought through.

Glad I've found you. I'm in a difficult situation but one similar to those I've read on this thread. My widowed mother of 93 has lived with us for 9 years. She is completely disabled and carers attend to help with personal hygiene and lunch while I'm working. We do breakfast, Eve meal and anything else she needs. My husband and teenagers are invaluable and a great buffer as my mother and I do not get on (long story. When widowed she refused to go into a home.

She wishes she was back in her old home (of course) but is just too disabled for that to be possible, hence the move to us. My father used to be her Carer. I have no siblings in the UK. My 1/2 brother and mother haven't spoken or seen each other for 40 years. He has little time for her or me although I've tried to help smooth things over between them. He now won't reply to emails and we last spoke 15 years ago. He's now 70 (not in any permanent relationship, no kids) I'm in early 50s).

The problem we have is that she refuses point blank to agree to poa. I've also tried to get her to give me authority (properly via bank) to access/operate her bank account as she is getting in a muddle dealing with bills/her finances. This is getting difficult with cheques (written inaccurately with shaky hand!) being returned, and her thinking she's paid things that she's not. If I could just get online banking set up I could operate this on her behalf in her presence. She's very untrusting and just refuses.

I'm thinking of just refusing to help any more - at the moment I spend time sorting out these muddles and/or paying things on her behalf. She then gives me her card to take cash out to reimburse myself (!)

This kind of works but I'm concerned for the future if she needs a more care or needs to go into a home/has a stroke etc. We do not have the funds to pay for a nursing home. I can't manage that sort of scenario by taking money out using her card! It really is not great.

Given she's in her 90s I feel we need to resolve this. I've called her solicitor - they are willing to talk to her but I suspect she simply will not listen (literally- she's very very deaf).

Sorry this is so long, I feel better for writing it all!

P

We have POA for my mum which we haven't activated yet as she has full capacity but is elderly and has limited mobility. I do have a mandate on her current account so I can write cheques, set up direct debits plus standing orders and also have a separate card. When she passes this will be cancelled as will any POA held. I am going to see the solicitors about the POA to see if we can activate the financial even though she has capacity. I understand some poa's allow for this depending on how they are drawn up.

Can I ask what her capacity is? Can she handle money? Does she use her debit card? My mum used to get her pension money and pay with cash with a £20 note because she couldn't count out money. She had no idea how to use a debit card. Could you set up a joint account for her pension so you can access money from your end to pay bills etc? Or is she still too money aware for that yet?

Their paranoia becomes so much worse awith dementia. I video my mum if she makes some sort of agreement because she always goes back on it but if I've recorded her agreeing, she can't deny it. Could you get her agree to the PoA and video it? The problem is if you give a hint that she has dementia, you'll need to get a doctor involved etc.

My mum is easy going about everything, but if I even try and shred a three year old energy bill, she accuses me of all sorts. They can't remember stuff so they get scared and lash out. I get really affronted, so I do understand, but it's really not personal, they're just trying to cling onto the old normal.

Morango Hopefully your DM will lose the offending letter she's obsessing about or you could ask a visitor to put it in a safe place
We didn't get POA for my parents. My DF died while my mum was sectioned with her dementia. It meant she was stuck in the nhs system for seven months while we got court approval. (And didn't pay care home fees - so there are upsides.) It was a mess. Whatever happens, you do get through it.

@HeddaGarbled I think you were lucky, and it isn't always the norm. As I said DF's bank account was solely in his name, so no-one else in the family had authorisation to deal with the bank. He had internet banking, but we didn't have the passwords (which you shouldn't anyway) and DF got to the point where he couldn't remember them. So when it was being talked about him going into a home, we weren't even able to get details of how much money was in the account, never mind sort finances to fund the home, and cancel the standing order for rent in the house he lived in. And if the bank were informed he had lost capacity they should freeze the account. As we didn't have a POA it added so much stress to what was already a stressful time. In the end my DF died in hospital before he got anyway near the home. But if he had lived, we would probably have had to fund the care home until we are able to access the bank, which could have taken up to 6 months.

Well, as I say, we managed. I certainly didn’t bother trying to change electricity supplier or building society accounts etc. You don’t need to make life more difficult than it already is. The bank was very helpful over some scam card payments, by the way.

I know POA is ideal - I’m just saying that the OP doesn’t need to panic if it can’t be managed. It’s difficult enough having a parent with dementia without giving yourself extra stress.

Much easier if they have a joint account, but if have separate accounts or only one parent then much harder to access finances. DF had separate account in which his company pension was paid and bills were paid out of including rent. When his memory was going the bank could have put a stop on the account. When there was talk of him going into a nursing home we would not have been able to access his finances even to be able to find out the balance. Sadly he died in hospital before getting into the nursing home, but if he hadn’t sorting out the finances would have been a nightmare, as we didn’t manage to get a POA sorted into time.

I think you are in the wrong here. Its up to her whether you retain the POA or not. Threatening her with going NC is simply not on. But say you won't be stepping in to sort out problems.

Yes. Card each. Dad cut his into tiny bits and put the bits down the kitchen sink 🤷‍♀️. We didn’t get him a new one!

@HeddaGarbled did your parents have a joint account?

My experience of paying bills with both parents with dementia: direct debits for all regular bills; card payment in parent’s presence for everything else.

We have done POA for my mum, but we left it too late for my dad, and we managed.

I told my mother in similar situations that if she didn't want to sign it then social services would organise care instead of us, that was the deciding factor for her, she didn't want social services involved. Of course they are but at least we have a say in her care.