Told mum I'll go no contact if she cancels POA

Sorry, OP, another thing has come into my head.
Your DM has actually done you a huge favour by revoking the paperwork. She has essentially handed herself over to the social work department when things take a major dip. You are well within your rights to leave everything to social work agencies from now on in. The social work team for my parents' area was absolutely first rate and I can't speak highly enough of them. As we didn't have POA and my DM was sectioned, they had to lead everything but they were very communicative and helpful and always discussed matters with family. If your DM has her own property and enough of a pension not to struggle, then you not having POA is inconvenient but not something to stress over too much. Maybe on this board we keep banging on about POA but in reality, not having it in some situations can still be OK.

Yes. Exactly what @Mum5net said. You are under no obligation to loo after your mum's life. She made her choices when she was younger and you can make choices for yourself too

I do feel like people are shocked that I am angry with her but I am - my life is hard enough and as her daughter people are looking to me to sort all this out and I don't feel I can - I feel like this is going to destroy me.

OP - this is the bit you need to tackle in your head.
Who are the actual people looking to you to sort this out? If they are her friends they will have a fair idea she is self absorbed and selfish already. They have probably heard her moan about the form and how she has had to revoke the paperwork. If they were true friends they would have begged her to keep the paperwork in place and know that you cannot sort it out.
If they are her neighbours then fortunately you are not in the same town. Any neighbour who tracks you down and tells you to sort her out can be given the telephone number of the elderly care team in the social work dept for her area.
if they are medical and health professionals they will be experienced enough to know that you are not obliged to fix her mayhem.
You genuinely are allowed to take a mighty step back and let her reap what she sows. In the meantime, fingers crossed she has direct debits and standing orders set up for her council tax, utilities etc as they will all keep paying out even if she ends up in hospital.

it felt like such a gift for her to have people who would do this for her and go to such lengths, only to now have it thrown back in our faces.

This is pretty much what you need to say to her. And give her that list of things that you all did to make the future easier for her.

I'm so sorry she's done this, OP.

@knittingaddict somewhat similar situation here - we are also geographically diverse and this was one of the reasons the POA would haven been so helpful to be able to provide assistance from here in London without racing up and down the M1.

My cousins took time out from work, as did I, and travelled hundreds of miles (they are right down in the South West) during lockdown to set this all up. It was really difficult to coordinate. Then the forms are complex and I checked and re-checked before submitting, and I paid the fees myself and sent all registered post. It did feel like a massive undertaking. None of the effort was my mum's though - it felt like such a gift for her to have people who would do this for her and go to such lengths, only to now have it thrown back in our faces.

We've fairly recently done poa forms for my parents and they are awaiting approval. It took ages to do as most form filling was done during lockdown with a geographically spread out family. We also waited ages for the doctor to fill in the forms as a certificate provider. I then broke my right wrist and couldn't sign my part for over 2 months. The whole thing took over 6 months to complete. I hear that the office that rubber stamp the poa are very picky (for obvious reasons) about things like handwriting and signatures. It's a stressful process and to have it agreed and your mum to do this must be devasting.

My brother lives locally to my parents and does most of the grunt work. He would be incandescent if they pulled a stunt like that. I think he would have to step back for a while just to come to terms with it.

I agree it isn’t the illness if she’s been horrible to you on a sustained basis and mistrusted you.

I'm in a different camp to those that say, don't be cross with them, it is the illness, they don't understand.
Actually before the illness took hold, they did understand they just chose not to make it easy.

@Mum5net I appreciate you saying that. A lot of people do say it, here on this thread and in real life - it's like being gaslighted as this is exactly who she is - not a stranger, not the illness talking, she wants what she wants and everyone else be damned.

I do feel like people are shocked that I am angry with her but I am - my life is hard enough and as her daughter people are looking to me to sort all this out and I don't feel I can - I feel like this is going to destroy me.

She's had an amazing retirement - travelled the world, gone to concerts and lectures and lived her life to the full and I'm happy for her that she's had that opportunity, but she is a selfish and self absorbed person who doesn't consider others' feelings at all.

OP, it's so frustrating. It does make you question everything and why you bother.
We are stuck with dealing with the OPG and sending annual accounts and reports to them about my DM along with 'fees' and 'bonds of caution'. I get so angry about these extra layers of bureaucracy that my parents have added so unecessarily.
I'm in a different camp to those that say, don't be cross with them, it is the illness, they don't understand.
Actually before the illness took hold, they did understand they just chose not to make it easy.

@OhamIreally It is so difficult. No one tells you about this stage of adulting. It is relentless. I am sorry I don't have any more advice. We were just lucky to catch my Mum and Dad at the right time because I have really seen friends go through it.

Is there a friend that could maybe talk to her? Does she have a social worker yet or a community matron that could maybe help to explain? Because health and wellbeing POA is as important.

Thinking of you because it is tough.

I'd imagine you are at the end of your tether with this news.

@BetterCare that's exactly what I thought and why I wanted it set up before she declined too much.

I frankly don't want to have to deal with the nightmares- I've got enough on my plate as it is, working full time, mortgage and bills and my child to raise alone.

Yes sorry I name changed to my normal username.

Sorry - I was referring to a power of attorney.

I know it is difficult with someone that has Alzheimers. My Mum was a bit paranoid but my brother and I managed to get them sorted before my parents decline in health.

Does Mum understand that just because there is a POA you can't just go and take the money? You have to register this POA everywhere. I had to send it to the council just to talk to them about my Dad's rented garage.

So even though it may be registered with the OPG it could stay at your Mum's house until you have to use it.

It is such a difficult chapter for the family but the pain that it causes if you don't have them in place is an absolute nightmare.

Good luck, this is not an easy time for anyone.

That is really sad and difficult to deal with OP. I know it is hard but you have to remember that this is not your real mum anymore. This is the person that Alzheimer’s has turned her into.

We did the same with my dad when he was in the very early stages and he had the wherewithall to ask us why it was just him getting one and not mam. As a result they both got one in the end which is no harm.

I know all cases and families are different but I would just say "go easy" on her. Hopefully her friends will step up on your behalf.

How frustrating for you. Have you spoken to the friend that was promising to be 'advisor'?

Thing is, ultimatums are all very well but if they can't remember much they don't really have much power

@OhamIreally can you object to her changing it on the basis that she won't remember and will change it again?
Ie that her memory issues are now affecting her judgement.
So frustrating, I really feel for you

I think you need to protect yourself and step back a bit here, like you said you would.

Update today is that she's gone ahead and objected. I am devastated after all that effort and it's all been undone.

She has no idea how much harder things are going to be now. This was the one thing that would have helped and she's destroyed it.

No doubt if I talk to her about it she'll say "let's set it up again then" but I just can't keep going round this merry-go-round.

Increased emotional lability (heightened feelings) is an oft recognised feature of dementia. My Dad had it.

FWIW I think you have done exactly the right thing, OP. You are allowed to (and should) protect yourself with boundaries. I’m glad she has this trusted friend; I hope they can help her file the letter away and then she’ll probably forget all about it.

It’s tough, I’m sorry.

My mother has started saying "I love you" at the end of every phone call. Very odd as she's never said that to me as a teenager or as an adult. Maybe she thinks it needs to be said. Heaven knows but it's very odd now

I have drawn a firm boundary with her now though and am going to see her this weekend. Faced with the boundaries I am setting (refuse to be spoken to abusively; refusal to become her carer by the back door whilst she denies there's a problem) she appears to be backing down.

I think this is a very important point, to have boundaries to avoid being manipulated into unsustainable and intolerable situations.
You have a right to a life too.
Mine only started hugging me and telling me she loved me when she needed me after her husband died. 60 years too late to be believable.