How do you cope with your parents ageing?

My DM is now 81 and 20 years ago she bought the house next door to us. I can remember a few eyebrows being raised by friends and family at the time who felt we might live to regret it and I am sure there was more than one occasion when each of us has wished there was a bit of distance between us! However, I am now glad she is so close to us although it occurred to me the other day that when she goes I will find it very difficult to continue living in our home, watching someone else live in my DM's home. My DH and I have been "retirement proofing" our house as I am now 60 and DH is 58. We have done a lot of improvements to our house and at no point did it occur to me that I would not be able to live here.

Like you, I have noticed my DM's health declining although she still lives independently and keeps a very clean and tidy house. She still looks after herself cooking her own meals etc. However, I have noticed her short term memory in the last year is not good and she gets really upset if something even very small goes wrong with her house. She struggles to arrange any appointments for herself now so prefers me to do all this for her. She needs a knee replacement so can't walk far so we have just spent a few weeks looking, testing and eventually buying her a mobility scooter in the hope that it will open up her world a bit more. When my DS was young I occasionally used to resent having to take her out with us every time we went out for a day but now I find I am positively encouraging her to come out with us to try and keep her mind active.

Like you, it upsets me to see her starting to decline and I often wake in the middle of the night anxious about it. Certainly I am now the parent in the relationship which I find upsetting.

As someone with an 86 yr old mother whose memory is rubbish I'm going to very seriously say DO NOT try to live in the future or solve problems that don't exist yet.

Right now your mum is ? Doing OK? - you don't say what the actual signs of ageing you see are. I know the first thing I noticed was that it was actually quite relaxing visiting my mum, used to be terribly exhausting as she was so energetic...

Sounds like she's living independently in her own home but would like more visits. What about same number of visits but double the phone calls? Literally put them all in your diary/calendar and just do it. What you must do is avoid wasting all your time feeling guilty you're not seeing her. Decide what you can cope with and then do that. So what if she cared directly for her DM. Did you perhaps have more children? You have a different life.

I would say the mental switch into me being in more the parent role took 5-10 years. Still not easy but I remember when I decided to stop telling her things about my life that would just worry or stress her, and to get my emotional support elsewhere. It's not an absolute boundary but I try to make our talks a happy time.

One day she won't be here, yes, and no amount of worry from you will bring that day closer or send it further away. She might have a couple of decades yet - don't spend it anticipating death.

I was speaking to someone recently who was saying thing about how often you visit your parents and the general life expectancy. Say someone sees their father once every 3 months and the father is 77. Assuming they have 2 years left that’s only 8 more visits.

It’s hard watching parents age and deteriorate but the point is to make the visits and times together memorable and enjoyable.

I know it’s hard and you’re worrying about your mum. Ageing is a natural part of life and as far as you’re aware she’s healthy. Please make use of this time to enjoy life with her and try not to spend it worrying.

She doesn't have to move in with you, but once a week visits and making sure she lives in the most appropriate housing and has the right care/contact with others

@Crimeismymiddlename I definitely recognise my DF there, a very clever, academic man who read extensively and now gets very stressed and cross when he can't manage things that require a lot of organisation (Christmas dinner for example).

You can encourage them to move to suitable housing to make life easier. Possibly nearer you?

You just get used to it. I am lucky, my DM is able bodied and can care for my DF, however i feel immense guilt that I can’t help out more and very sad when I talk to to DF that he will never be the same as he used to be, someone very clever and sharp who loved arguing the toss and had excellent humour has turned into someone who does not understand things and gets upset easily. I am often jealous of people my own age who have both parents in excellent health, but I know this is unreasonable, as they may have problems I don’t know about.

I think you have to figure out boundaries you are comfortable with. It's fine if one of those is that she won't ever move in with you. On other points I would try and compromise - e.g. allocate time for her to spend with the kids, accept that it's not going to be dynamic or exciting but it shows the kids that we do make an effort with our loved ones, without sacrificing our own lives. It's finding that line.

What's her housing situation? Could you move her into assisted living or similar so that there's more going on around? How far is she from you?

No answers OP but just wanted to sympathise. I am in the same position with parents in late 70s/early 80s but also live 4 hours drive from my parents and have a toddler. I try to visit once a month but can't manage more than that - even that will become more of a struggle as LO grows I think. When I was growing up we visited my grandparents a couple of times a week and I feel immensely guilty I can't do that. It breaks my heart to see my dad becoming doddery. They don't help themselves, they live in an enormously inaccessible house (loads of steps to both back and front doors) and I dread the day they are admitted to hospital for something and cannot get back into it. Wish I could do more.