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Elderly parents
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MIL's expectations about granny flat

29 replies

RhinestoneCowgirl · 20/08/2021 16:58

DH and I have recently returned from a visit to MIL's home city, we live 200 miles away and stayed with DH's younger brother and wife as MIL is still not happy with having people to stay in her house (covid related). It has come to light that MIL wants BIL and SIL, who moved into their first home about two years ago, to build a granny annexe in their front garden for her, she would sell her current house to pay for it.

As a background MIL is in her early 70s and in generally good health, she had cancer 15+ years ago but is fully in remission. Pre-pandemic she was full-time carer for her own mum who lived next door, but now other family members have taken this on and she isn't involved in her mum's care at all at the moment. MIL has been extremely anxious about covid and I think her MH has been poor. She can be quite a challenging character and has just one close friend who lives locally. She divorced from FIL nearly 25 years ago.

While we were visiting I had a long chat one evening with SIL, who I get on very well with (and she and BIL are fab with our children). SIL is very unhappy about the prospect of this proposed granny flat project, but says that BIL feels that he owes this to his mum and can't say no. I think it is causing some strain in their relationship. DH seems to be sticking his head in the sand about it, and has made non-committal noises when the subject was raised.

My own parents are a similar age and have no expectations of me providing care for them - we have had some roundabout discussions. I realise it's different for MIL as she's on her own, but I wondered how reasonable it is for her to have these expectations?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 20/08/2021 20:31

This could cause huge problems of your mil needs to move onto a care home in the future. In that case her home can be sold to fund the care. If she is in a granny flat on your SILs property then they may have to sell and divvy up the profits

Ask cab for links to all the proper information on this. It doesn’t matter if it’s 20 years down the track - they can still trace the money back.

I’d get all the correct information and approach it from that angle. Sorry mil it is a huge financial risk for us and we know you wouldn’t want to cause us that kind of stress/ make your grandchildren leave their home.

Do they have retirement villages nearby? I’m not in the uk but my dad has just moved into one. He is in his own 2 bedroom unit but the village has higher levels of care if he ever needs it and in the meantime offers lots of group activities plus he can buy in meals if he needs them, have someone check in on him if he ever needs surgery and is recovering etc.
I’d be making it clear that the granny flat was a no go but suggesting other moves she could make to plan for old age.

Notaroadrunner · 20/08/2021 20:25

I'd encourage your SIL to be very firm in telling her Dh that she will not agree to this, that she will not be involved in MILs care and that he and your Dh and any other siblings better sit down and come up with a better plan for their mothers future care. And if your BIL and your Dh etc don't accept that your SIL doesn't want a granny flat in her front garden, then I'd encourage your SIL to run for the hills. I might even run with her if I were you as you could be next in line to be MILs carer.

firstworldproblemsagain · 20/08/2021 20:18

If my DH did that I’d take the kids and leave!

doodleZ1 · 20/08/2021 20:07

I think it's very very unreasonable. Your Inlaws have just moved in to their first home and his mum wants to basically move in with them in an extension in their front garden? Never in a million years it's not all about her. The young couple have a right to their own life and she has no right to decide anything about their home. The son is not thinking straight, it will destroy their lives and they will be left with it all. Your sister in law needs to put her case strongly and say she's not having it, in the same way that she wont be taking her own parents in when the time comes. No we need privacy and our own space as you had and repeat. I think sometimes parents forget that their children are no longer children.

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