Don’t know what to do - worried I am being mean

Do you think she would be amenable if it was a holiday. If they would be ok with peofessionals packing up the house they could try booking a respite holiday. This NHS link gives some information part way down the page and it might give them both a break and take the stress out of the move. It also wouldn't be going in to a home which she is resistant to so perhaps be easier to get them to agree to. www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/support-and-benefits-for-carers/carer-breaks-and-respite-care/

Tell dad it would be easier to book movers and cleaners and cheaper than a longer period of respite care. My dad wanted a two week moving period but in the end moving on the day was fine. Plan B - aunt stays in an accessible guesthouse with mum?

*Bond not bike - small screen hard to see when autoincorrect strikes!

You will not get that time back. No matter how much you want to do what Dad tells you to do "to help out", you are the last person who should have DMum to stay at yours at that time. You can love your DDad and DMum as much as the world but it still is not the right timing to have your poorly mum stay with you.

Sorry to post so many in a flurry but please don't get emotionally bullied into doing the wrong thing for DMum, for you, for your toddler and for your newborn baby.

Unless someone is staying to help you as a new mum!! you really can, ought to (and would be crazy not to!) say no to anyone wanting to stay over on any overnight visits to you.
Can you not remember how hard this time was with your PFB? Please stick to your guns. As you now also And have another child as well... I wouldn't expect any help nor favours from a mum with a newborn for at least the first 6-12 weeks.

Here's the ChC checklist (initial assessment report)

www.gov.uk/government/publications/nhs-continuing-healthcare-checklist

If you scroll down to related content the other documents including full CHC assessment DST document for those who have a positive CHC checklist (this is not the CHC fast track end of life process which is a decision by consultant or GP, nurses often complete the forms for GP to sign off on)

You need to tell your dad it’s a flat no. You will be knackered and trying to bond with your baby, you will never get this time back.
He needs to come up with a suitable plan that does not involve you.

Or unless DMum is eligible for Chc fast track due to being right at end stage palliative care rapidly deteriorating- usually a person is immobile and barely drinking or eating at that point though. (It's a very sad time to meet CHC fast track criteria )

Mum can walk albeit unsteadily with a walker; she can manage the loo herself but prefers to be escorted to the door and back, and she often falls (at night at least) somewhere between getting off the loo and getting securely balanced with her Walker again. We have a frame support seat thing for the downstairs loo which is helpful. She has a riser chair at home but otherwise needs help getting in and out of chairs; also needs help sitting up in bed, and getting dressed (getting feet into leg holes of pants, and putting socks on)

Unless there are a lot more complex health /nursing needs, than what you've shared above, it initially presents as unlikely she will get a positive CHC checklist which is the first stage (I.e. gateway) to CHC process - look at HMGov website- type in "continuing healthcare". All the documents are in there that will show you how incredibly high CHC criteria is set.

Maybe dad should be asking now for a care needs assessment from their local adult services (are they moving geographical Local authority areas too though?)

But the nurse will certainly be able to gather info, refer to social care if have consent to do so and to give Dad and mum some advice in the meantime &/ or refer to Occupational therapy.

As you don't have a suitable house to accommodate her right now I meant

How on earth is that you being selfish?
if there's ever a time when you need to prioritise you it's when you've just had a baby.... It seems none of the older generation are quite thinking straight in this scenario so you need to be gentle but firm 😊

This with bells on ^

By the none of the older generation here, I think PP meant your dad and his twin sister

Really it's is ridiculous what he is suggesting as you do but have a suitable safe house for mums needs, no bedroom foe her, she can't manage your stairs and you will be too tired and frazzled to host your mum AND NOW AN AUNTIE!- your newborn will have you up in the night crying - it's not suitable place tor DMum to stay during all this upheaval with her mobility and care needs and memory loss.
Honestly!!?!! Please stop debating it with your dad. Someone else in the family can accommodate and care for Mum or a respite stay will be right for her.

How on earth is that you being selfish?

It's you being sensible and thinking of your children and being realistic about your own capabilities.

If there's ever a time when you need to prioritise you it's when you've just had a baby.

It seems none of the older generation are quite thinking straight in this scenario so you need to be gentle but firm 😊

My dad has MND, not quite PSP but similar enough to warrant comparison I think.

I'd balk at having him stay over without a proper and safe sleeping space as things stand currently. I'm in reasonable health and my children are reasonably independent.

In your circumstances there's zero chance I'd be comfortable or happy taking on that responsibility, even for a few days.

Put the feelers out for respite care places in your area and AirBnBs that might fit the bill if that's a preferred option for your parents and aunty.

You cannot commit to any care that may involve lifting, even if your mum has lost a lot of weight - she's still heavier than a new mother should be trying to lift.

It sounds like your dad is struggling in general and the house move is making him respond in an unhelpful way. He's not doing this on purpose, but he still needs to be gently and firmly nudged to a more reasonable solution than the one he has in his head.

My dad fought back against the hospital bed in a big way too. What eventually made him relent was the district nurse having a private word. We don't know what was said but he moved to the bed that night - might be worth trying with your mum.

Sorry you're having to handle all this. It absolutely sucks! We need to keep living as much as we need to keep giving support though, please don't forget that you need to exist and be a person/mother/partner too for your own sake

Ah sorry, misread your post - its your aunt, not your sister.

Is your dad absolutely set against buying in professional cleaners (for both houses, if he wants), and allowing the movers to move everything in, while he stays somewhere with dm and d aunt (aunt holding the fort so he can pop back to check the old house), then move with your dm in to the bungalow. If things are in the wrong place in the bungalow, you him and dh have plenty of time to sort things round once they are there. But your df does seem to be making a bit of a meal of this...

Its not entirely clear how disabled your mummis but if your sister is free, could they find a self catering apartment of some sort very nearby to you and stay there? That way your sister could bring mum to see the baby etc but also ensure no extra pressure is put on uou? I can't stress enough what a bad idea it is o commit to hosting someone infirm when you are recovering from birth yourself. You will need all your energy.

Do you fancy infected stitches? Nope, thought not!

Use a packing service for the move - can be done and dusted in a day
that would help. Respite or carers for a couple of days should be manageable.
I feel for your parents - it will be hard for them to move from a house they love and I am sure your father is feeling guilty about asking you for help.

You still have time to sort out something - I wish you luck as you sound a very caring daughter.

I wouldn’t use respite car. Although that’s because it all went very wrong for a family member.
I would hire full time carers for the time she stayed and hopefully she would then keep a care package when they moved into the new house.

Not sure whereabouts in North East you are op but I can thoroughly recommend Sherburn House fir respite , its just outside Durham

Respite care is a good option.
It also introduces DM and DDad to the facility, so if DDad needs hospital treatment down the track, there is a facility that they are familiar with.

Dad needs to arrange a respite for the moving dates - he can book a one or two week stay for her.

If your mum has over £23.250 in savings, she would be self funding. So much easier to arrange it privately. If less, he/she can ask adult social care to assess & consider arranging it.

There is no way you can look after your mum's considerable care needs, including help to walk as she falls regularly and has memory loss; whilst also being post birth with an under 2 week old newborn. And a toddler. And no suitable bedroom, nor bed for her. Dad will be elsewhere for all day those two days and probably several more days whilst he unpacks their house. You'd be talking a week at least ..

That's a ridiculous thing for your dad to expect a newmum - his daughter- to be able to cope with. It's simply not feasible for you to do at this point and wouldn't be safe for your mum nor your children/baby nor yourself. You really ought be resting yourself during that period to recover from birth.

Does she have a single bed at her own house that could come to yours before going to the new house? I think if she's becoming cognitively impaired, she's probably going to stay at yours a few days longer than the night before and night of the day of the move. Your dad will need to get things sorted a bit before she moves in. Such a worrying time for you with everything else on your plate.

We found one through word of mouth. Carehome.co.uk. Is also a good site to peruse.