I can’t cope with mil anymore

If you keep doing everything because she refuses to have anyone else do it then you might as well give up any hope of peace before she dies. Nobody is going to take the burden off you - you have to reject the burden. And I do understand that that is hard hard hard to do. But who is more important - your MIL or your own children, whose lives are being deeply affected by this?

As for 'selling the home she worked so hard for so she can go into a home' - yes, that may well happen, and what better use for the money locked up in her home? What else is it for but to provide her with a safe roof over her head? Many care homes, especially private homes, offer fantastic care and quality of life (and death) to people with dementia, much better and safer and healthier than staggering on at home alone, scared and at risk.

Call social services, and call Dementia Connect, and get some changes along the way. And do it to protect your children's happiness and wellbeing.

Oh god OP, this is exactly where we are with MIL, and it's awful. I sympathise.

We found the Alzheimer's society helpline extremely helpful. It took several days before they called us back, but it was worth it.

Their advice is very good, and they can explain what you should be asking for and who you should be contacting.

We had spoken with MIL's GP who was quite helpful but they absolutely cannot tell us anything without MIL's consent.

We were very relieved to get a call from our local complex care and dementia team nurse out of the blue. We realised that the GP had obviously referred her to them without us knowing.

They seem very good and have rung MIL to offer help and an assessment which she of course has refused. They are used to this and are going to keep trying, and will keep us posted.

Don't worry too much about care homes just now. I would keep feeding information to the GP of any particular problems with behaviour and so on, and keep pushing for someone from adult care/social services to go in and carry out an assessment as your first step. Things do get a bit a better once they are in the 'system'.

I thought care homes were desperate for staff? Maybe double check that the person was definitely made redundant rather than asked to leave?

Sorry, I'm an old cynic!

Yes, back dated until the call date.

Hugely difficult for you. If you call the GP and say she was trying to violently mistreat your under 5 yrs DC and have that recorded, that will start to build up a record of chaos on her file. All these red flags of her not coping may help get additional supports in place or an allocated social worker.
Your next move should be to try and get a key safe installed and start to list of the tasks you think she needs help with. Many experienced posters on this board will support you and point you in the right direction.

OP, telephone and have the form sent to your address. Printing off means it will only be backdated until the day you have the form completed and in their hands. Believe me the form takes time.

It will be an almighty struggle to impose 'care' on her. DH is in exactly the same situation. MIL is a prisoner in her own home by her own determination. However, you owe it to yourself to dig those heels in and insist. The GP can definitely prescribe something to take the edge off her aggression. I'd be back in touch with the GP and say with two dc under 5 who must attend with you, you need her GP to help diffuse the situation. MIL was given extra meds after being threatening to her carers and family.
It wont be easy. However, if you defer the forced imposition of help for her it will only get worse as her dementia takes further hold, so now is the moment. The redundant care worker is a great place to start.

Does your LA have any support for carers? It is worth tapping into that

Sorry about the typos.

or even worse dh worries they might deem she’s mentally incapable and put her in a home anyway.

They really aren't going to put her into a care home. SS will be very keen to keep her at home for as long as they can because putting people in care homes costs a lot of money.

For lots of people the trigger to going into holes is when they start wondering at night or for some, when they become violent. People can often be assessed and be lanced in a home once they've had a hospital stay and it's become clear that they can no longer look after themselves. It's much harder for people with dementia to "mask" their behaviour if they're in unfamiliar surroundings.

I agree with mum5net. You've played by her rules and it's beginning not to work.

Apply for attendance allowance, she already needs help with bills and shopping from your post. I'm sure if you have a good think you are all probably doing a lot more for her to enable her to stay at home.

As for the Carers, could you arrange a Carer and then introduce her as a friend? Take her around a couple of times to have a cuppa together and make out she's a friend. DMlL might accept a bit of help from a friend rather than a Carer.

On Attendance Allowance, call the GOV UK helpline 0800 731 0122 and ask for a form to be sent, as that way payments can be backdated from today's date. We had a lovely woman from Age Concern come along and help fill it out. (My DH emailed Age Concern in advance three weeks prior to the date he was visiting.) Having someone out with the home come in and help with the form was a Godsend as MIL couldn't be rude and say it was a waste of time. Mil gets £60 a week but got about £600 backdated- so the family gave a good chunk of that as a donation to Age Concern.)
There comes a point in your relationship with MIL where you perform a gear change. I think you have hit that stage. Up until now you probably have done what she wants and played by her rules and navigated everything with her central to all decision making. When the dementia gathers momentum her capacity fluctuates. There is a line that gets crossed when you say to yourself, Wait a minute. If I continue to help as much, we need to start following MY rules or its completely untenable. Having this out with her is pointless as her illness prevents her remembering so you just make the changes in your own behaviour and how you make arrangements. She obviously won't like some of your new arrangements but stand your ground.

They can put you in touch with support, my auntie got dementia age 58, she went to a day centre run by the Alzheimers society, it meant my uncle had 3 days a week he didn't have to worry while he was at work what she was doing.

Many people on this board have a similar starting point - their relative refuses any sort of additional help and believe the family can cover off any small requirement.
If you look at some of the threads where families are in huge distress, it’s normally because they couldn’t convince their relative at the stage you are now to accept help, and just muddled on to everyone’s detriment.
This is exactly the stage to deploy a companion to visit a couple of afternoons to supplement what you can do. The day centre is such a good idea. Does your husband or step son get attendance allowance? This can partially fund privately arranged visitors.
MiL (88) shouts regularly at her carers and denies them entry. Hindsight is a wonderful thing . The sooner you can get additional help coming in the better

Could you get a social worker & get her assessed, maybe she could go to a day centre a couple of days a week so you know you have days you know you are free?

That sounds so tough

There is a box on here where you put in your postcode and find support in your area
www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/treatment-and-support-vascular-dementia

& here
www.ageuk.org.uk/services/in-your-area/dementia-support/

Do any of her children have POA?
It’s tough, DF has been diagnosed with dementia and, at the moment, isn’t too unpredictable. We know there is no way he would accept outside help and have no clue what do do when he gets to that stage. Dementia is terrible, both DGM suffered, it totally robs you of the person you love. Thankfully DF has agreed he needs some one to be able to act in his interest so has signed POA for health and finances whilst he still has capacity.
So sorry you are dealing with all this, do her children help at all? I hope it isn’t all falling into you.