Jibe, jibe jibe. I have totally had enough!

The driving thing. There doesn't have to be a good reason for you not to learn to drive. It's ok for you to say ' I don't want to'. Tats enough. You're an adult.

I am trying so hard to hold on to some form of a relationship with them

Why?

If you have a good relationship with your parent who is not selfish or needy it is almost impossible to understand how hard it can be to deal with.

In my case, being generous with the truth was a last resort. My Mum gets plenty of time and attention from me. The only difference now is that it is on my terms and not her (unreasonable) terms.

Sometimes you have got to put yourself first and cut the ties. As other posters have pointed out you have enough on your place with DCs who have additional needs.

Children to not ASK to be born into this world and parents who seek to morally blackmail their offspring by citing "all I have done for you" are beyond the pale.

This could almost be my young womanhood! Especially the jibes (mostly because I had chosen to remain child-free) whereas my golden princess sister had presented them with two fine grandchildren!

Like you I never learned to drive or felt comfortable driving. I have bad panic attacks and would certainly not be "safe" to drive a car on todays roads. I did once have a series of lessons but had to take tranquilisers before and after each lesson. Living in a large city I have always had the advantage of an adequate bus service or the money for a taxi.

I moved away from my home city to go back into education and was glad I did not drive. That left my golden princess sister to cope with my hypochondriac mother which she endlessly complained about. I often felt that it was karma paying her back for the years when she twisted and manipulated the relationship with my parents and earned me many a whalluping.

I eventually went NC with my parents. After they died I rebuilt my relationship with the wider family - cousins, nieces and nephews - but there is still a coldness between my sister and I which will probably remain.

It really is a bad idea to make up lies. Also, it's unkind here, as the DPs will be worried about her unnecessarily. Also, the lie will be found out when they ask other people if she's ill. (Or she'll have to lie to them too.) In short, it's a bad idea to lie unless you really, really have to. It is in general, but it's an option to be considered. As to being unkind there's not a lot of evidence that DM will be worried about her health, and she isn't showing much reciprocal kindness.

Have they even offered to pay for lessons and a car?

If they had, I'd take them up on the offer.
Then still not drive them anywhere. Fuck 'em.

You could try agreeing with them when they start down the 'after all I've done for you...' 'Yes, I guess I'm just a terrible daughter.'

It's hard when they get to the point where driving has to stop. But you can't drive them around.

Are they offering to pay for the lessons and buy and maintain the car OP?
If they're not you can just say I can't afford it.
On another note, you shouldn't have to learn to drive for them but it can be very liberating. I hated driving and it took me ages to pass my test then I barely drove again for 20 years. I started driving again a few years ago, forcing myself over the phobia and it's brilliant now. So don't discount it on your own part. PM me if you want.

I would develop a condition that means you can't drive (narcolepsy?). Such a shame as you were so looking forward to getting a car and being at their beck and call........

I work far less than my Mum realises because I just had to put some boundaries in place. I love her but it really was the only way to stop the manipulative comments. Nothing else seemed to work.

My mum has never driven herself so has a bit of a cheek to be insisting I drive when I don't feel comfortable, and have 3 young kids (2 with additional needs) to look after as well as deal with her behaviour.

This is just one more “issue” in a lifetime of dysfunction. There will be many more to continue to grind you down.

You have a lot on your plate. Your DCs need you to be bright, attentive, calm and peaceful so that they reach their emotional development potential. You need space in your life to find moments of joy and contentment. The relationship with your parents is polluting and draining you of achieving either. Don’t let them take any more from you.

I would step back and look at the bigger picture. I would prioritise your own inner healing (from the emotional damage they have done to you). You could seek professional support to to build your own identity and boundaries. You need time and space to do this. You have given more than enough. Withdraw a little or a lot. Emotionally detach from them in your head. When you feed triggered by their words notice that feeling of crushing feeling of belittling and work to it having less impact - either by your mindset, reducing contact and/or stating boundaries with consequences. “If you say/do x once more - I will leave” Then follow through with actions - don’t waste your words.

They shouldn’t be preoccupying your headspace - it’s draining and it crowds out your life of other positive and radiant experiences you should be having with others.

I do hope that you can see your self worth and can detach and withdraw enough to allow you some pleasure and comfort in your life. You have to be the one setting your own boundaries because they are not capable of respect.

You could always lie - “I have a medical condition which means I’m not allowed to drive” followed up with “I don’t discuss my medical details with anyone apart from my GP”.

I've commented on your previous threads, it's their choice to live where they do and up to them to manage their transport issues. You don't have to feel guilty about their decisions, it's not as if you've forced them to live there. They could move, use community transport or a taxi. You can't control what she says but you can control how you react to it. "How lovely" That's nice" You don't say" Repeat as many times as you need to. The other option is to leave whenever driving comes up, pick up your coat and bag and go. It has been talked to death, the answer is "no" and you don't have to listen to it any more.

They can't actually make you learn to drive, you're not a child any more and they can't send you to bed with no supper. The worst that can happen is that they stop talking to you and how bad would that be?

@CookPassBabtridge I got it from a self help book years ago. They also suggested making up 'games' like 'skating on thin ice' where you count the number of times Aunty X gets too close to family taboo subjects, or 'scratched record' for those who come back to the same thing over and over. Great for things like Christmas where you have lots of people to deal with

I hate this guilt tripping. My dad was 89 last week. Still does everything...well he let my partner cut his hedge as it's above a shed and he doesn't want to climb on the roof anymore. He still drives and is good still.
Mum is 85 and does all the shopping and cooking (dad cooks on a Saturday)

Even my in laws still go out at 96 and 93. (Not driving) and cook all the time.

I had a parent who was all jibe jibe jibe. I would try to distract and deflect, and still do all the things that a good daughter should do. Eventually it got too much and I snapped back at her ( nothing bad just told her what I thought) We ended up barely speaking for three years. She asked my DH what she could do and he told her to apologise to me. She just couldn't bring herself to.
Meanwhile I was was just so relieved that it had come to a head and I was off the hook.
I got back in touch because she was unwell, and slowly but surely we are rebuilding a relationship, but it's much more on my terms now. I read books on boundaries, the Stately Homes threads on the relationship board here, and Out of the Fog Forum (pd parents board)
I really feel for you as it seems you've been groomed into believing you need to keep them happy at all cost, as I was.
It does feel that the sky will fall in if you say no to these parents, but you can do it.
It doesn't matter what they tell you other people thing of you, based on their lies.
Let your cousin pick up the slack if they're that perfect!
Big hugs to you. I know it's hard

Why do you visit them?

I haven't read your earlier posts but I'd a) mentally prepare to let DM's random gaslighty / barbed comments whizz by you. "Hmmm-mmmm" is a good reply. "Lovely". "Did he, how nice." Etc. Just don't engage, you know she'll only come back with some crap about how you're overreacting. b) If they directly ask then "As I've said before, I'm happy to help with x, y and z. Beyond that I suggest you use a local taxi service, let me know if you need a hand finding one."

@Frazzledmummy123 no advice, but totally understand!