My mum is a hoarder...

It's an illness. I too have a hoarding relative.

You won't fix them. You can only modify your own response to it.

My boundaries are I don't go to the house if I can at all help it e.g arrange to meet a neutral venue/ host myself.
If I do have to go the only food / drink I consume is stuff I arrive with/ order to the house e.g takeaway as the kitchen situation is grim.

I don't try to fix the house situation at all anymore and politely rebuff the "helpful" suggestions from well meaning relatives/ friends who don't understand hoarding and think that if we go in and tidy up it will all magically get better and stay that way.

Hah fucking hah.
Been there. Got that t-shirt. The house is worse than ever.

Really looking forward to the house clearance and trying to sell a house that is essentially propped up by really useful boxes when the time comes...

Hi OP how is her mobility? If she has OT input while in hospital, they may offer a home environment visit prior to discharge. However if deemed to have capacity she can refuse this, or even if they flag up an issue she can still refuse intervention.

Does she go out?;it would seem hoarders also have depression/anxiety/social anxiety and can be very closed off/withdrawn.

What about her background?;without sounding all wanky but could it be something from her childhood that makes her like this?;Was she raised in poverty?;didn't have much as a child/lived in cramped housing that was overcrowded?

My mum hoards food;she's always buying it and the cupboards/fridge/freezer are always full and yet of even say half a fridge shelf in the whole fridge is empty she'll be desperate to fill it.Before thé age of 7 she lived with neglectful abusive parents who often left her to go hungry and there was Seldom food in the house.She's never gotten over that.

There is charity that can.offer help/advice hoardingdisordersuk.org/research-and-resources/clutter-image-ratings/

It’s not selfish so much as an ILLNESS...

I agree it’s horrible to exist in the chaos. Can you encourage them to get in the garden every day? Go out and get away?

Did you manage to uncover the source of the smell?

Isn’t hoarding a response to a loss of some kind? If you go NC it will most likely get worse for both your parents.

Hope you can get her some help.

After my mother died, it took 13 builder's skips to clear her house, 3 council pickups, 2 charity shop pickups, giving stuff away and innumerable runs to clothing banks and charity shops. It was a lot of time and effort and pretty exhausting at times
It sounds as if she was trying to construct a lasting monument to herself!
I'm so sorry I can't imagine how stressful and tiring that would have been 😟

@hatgirl, thanks for explaining 🙏
I can see that you're right and it was naive wishful thinking on my part

Just wanted to say I know how you feel OP,I'm in the same boat and sadly the fire check did nothing

I don't mean to upset you, but would it be worth saying how much work she would be leaving for your Dad and you to do, if she passes while the house is this cluttered?

After my mother died, it took 13 builder's skips to clear her house, 3 council pickups, 2 charity shop pickups, giving stuff away and innumerable runs to clothing banks and charity shops. It was a lot of time and effort and pretty exhausting at times.

It's a bit like the GP pointing out that you are hugely overweight and need to lose some weight. They are doing the right thing professionally, it's their job to look after your health and they usually aren't telling you something you don't know already.

But just like hoarding, being overweight doesn't just happen overnight, it's a gradual process often with some roots in depression/self esteem/ emotional attachment or other physical health issue.

Someone telling you that you are obesely fat and it's unhealthy for you isn't magically going to change that, it needs to be backed up with proper professional support, understanding of how you got to where you are now and what will motivate you to engage in change, IF you want to change.

If you just leave the GP surgery having been told you are fat and need to change without any of that support in place then the chances are you are just going to go home feeling upset and miserable, make a small attempt at a diet for a while and then revert to old habits, or worse.

Then you probably also avoid seeing the GP or other health professionals again because they just pointed out the obvious, didn't help and made you feel worse. So you start neglect other parts of your life /health too.

It's perhaps a convoluted analogy, but for hoarding the Fire Service is a small part of the picture and needs to be backed up with proper practical and emotional support too if there is going to be an impact.

I've heard that some dentists specialise in patients whom are particularly nervous or fearful...thinking along those lines I wonder if if there are fire departments which have sidelines in dealing sensitively with hoarders?

It is worth getting the Fire Brigade to visit, as they will flag her address as that of a hoarder, so that if they have to attend a fire there, they have an idea of what they are dealing with.

I think it's understandable that you are finding this so stressful, even though your mum can't help it that doesn't mean to say it's right that you should have to suffer from it, ultimately you are probably worried that they will look to you to help them out of any messes that they get themselves into.

i think you were expecting too much of her.
your son loves her and loves being with her.
he doesn't judge her. he doesn't see or care about the mess.
he sees and loves the person.
she is suffering from this condition.
i can see that it is disappointing for you, but really that is your lack of understanding.
you can still visit, stay in a motel. or have her to visit you.
just try to accept her, love her, and ignore her surroundings.

So sorry to hear this. I am in a very similar situation with my mum. She has been like since my childhood. It is heartbreaking, continually trying to help her, emotional support, sorting stuff out etc, but she continues to buy and hoard. I've had to accept (as a self protective measure) that my son and I won't be staying again. She lives a couple of hours away so instead we will just go for the day, preferably meet outside her home. I too find the whole situation incredibly triggering and upsetting. ❤️

Wasn't expecting it to do anything about the hoarding at this stage but at least make sure they don't die in a fire.

Having gone to someone's house and seen smoke coming out as the owner was no longer able to see risk does make you obsessed.

The owner didn't change any of their hoarding behaviour after but I am sure his family and neighbours were glad that he had smoke alarms fitted after that.

I’m sorry, that’s very hard on you. Hoarding is such a complex disorder. You will have your own history of trying to have a relationship with your mum around her problems. Agree with pp linking it to attachment trauma. Sometimes people apply emotions to things that are normally reserved for people hence feel profound distress when trying to get rid of them - behaviour that makes little sense to others and is often around objects that have no worth or are even items normally viewed as rubbish. How is your mum doing with the therapist? That relationship could help her address her hoarding.

Aw OP. You might need to go no contact with your mum for a bit. Your poor dad.

What happened with the counsellor? How did she end up going and why did she stop?

Sadly nearly everyone I have worked with who has a hoarding disorder have often found the fire service checks humiliating and unhelpful no matter how sensitively they are undertaken.

It often seems to cause them to double down and reject further intervention rather than welcome more professional intervention in.

If you can change nothing else, get her to have a Fire Safety Check from the local fire brigade.

I'm just bitterly disappointed that it's not the case
I think (if you can) try not to take it personally, the compulsion is too strong for her to overcome.
What about just being straight, saying 'no I'm not going into your house because of the chaos'?

I deal with hoarding as part of my job and almost without fail the people involved, when you dig down, have some kind of attachment issues as a result of trauma/ mh issues.

It's a recognised illness and it's unlikely that it's something your mum can just 'fix' on her own.
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/hoarding-disorder/