Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

I have just been catching up on everyone else here. Lots of love to you @thesandwich. I hope the recovery goes well.

Mum has been in the home for three weeks now. While she was in isolation we visited every day but in the last week she has been out of her room so we have cut back to three times in the past week. I went to see her with my son on Friday. He hadn't seen her for six months. She didn't recognise him but in fairness to her, her sight is very poor and with the long hair, glasses and check shirt he did look a bit like my (female) cousin. The beard was a bit of a give away though!

She was terribly weepy at first. Crying that she misses us, misses her home. She has always spent her life surrounded by people who care about her and now they have all left her. So he and I held her hands and made lots of soothing noises and she eventually cheered up. The carers tell us she is easy going, very happy and very chatty with everyone around her.

The following day my uncle visited and she asked him to let me know she was feeling better. When my cousin and I went back to see her on Monday she was really happy. Normally we have to start warning her that we are leaving - "We'll have to be on our way in 15/10/5 minutes." But this time she decided after half an hour that her friends were waiting and she needed to join them!

It is so reassuring to read everyone's posts here. I have no experience of dementia before and it has come as a shock to me to see the unpleasant, bitter side of my mum coming to the fore. It is reassuring to know that it is the dementia and not her.

Cockroaches!

Sadly Loganair don't fly to Exeter but I have heard good things about them. We now have Blue Islands who seem to be ok.

I'm at his flat now. He is a bit emotional at being home and has refused to do a video call with DD2 who wanted to discuss uni accommodation options for next year with me. He just shouted "hello, love you" to her, but she gets it, thankfully. We went to visit his sister and her DH who has dementia this morning. His DSis and I are both strong-minded and clash a lot but today I was on my best behaviour and we agreed on lots of things, so DF was in a good mood. We/I have sorted lots of things out that he simply couldn't have managed alone so he is even more grateful. I don't want money or thanks, I just want him to be happy and to understand what I am doing. He is now thinking that it's probably not worth coming home again before Christmas. Hoping the M6/M5 are clear tomorrow for the trip back to mine...

Malbec DP reported this weekend that the Loganair service which replaced his normal FlyBe one to see MIL, was excellent.

Pleased to read your update Sandwich and hoping your recovery continues to go well.

Sympathies and gin to those who want & need them. I'm taking DF home so he can "update his financial affairs". Last year, I packed for a week, but he'd finished in an hour. Yes, I drove 230 miles each way for an hour of faffing. I told him we have to be home on Thursday evening, which he has agreed to. His mail has been redirected to mine until 30th November, so he is going to hopefully fly home around then if I can sort that, then come back for Christmas. On the one hand he tells everyone how grateful he is to be here, then he moans like buggery about missing his friends and my DDs (both at uni). I can't win. Compared to others here, I'm pretty lucky. He is forgetful but whizzes through the Daily Telegraph cryptic crossword every day, so isn't too impaired.

Better go & check flights. Since the demise of Flybe, rather than 3 per day, it's 3 per week

Glad to hear things went ok for you Sandwich. I hope that your recovery goes ok. You just need to put your DM to the back of your mind and get on with looking after yourself.

Hello all and thanks @notaflyingmonkey for asking- surgery last thurs so home now and not feeling too bad except for pesky drain problems.
Hospital excellent. District nurses great.
And had to step back from dm- this seemed to be what it took. Carers doing well. I will try not to worry about her too much for a few days.
Can’t check in on everyone but sending you all much needed Teflon and gin🌺🌺

How are you doing @thesandwich?

Good luck with the sale Toofarout. Is your mum on antidepressants?

Cockroach, all!
I’m edging nearer to selling DMs house, and it’s getting me down. It was my home too - but I know I need to move on.

I think DM despite her dementia has realised she’s not going home, so now she’s half eating tablets to save them up ( the home has changed her medication so she can’t do this), and is asking helpers to get her drugs so she can kill herself. Deep joy.

Has anyone got any counselling for oldies?

As an aside, I’m reading the book The Book about Getting Older, by Dr Lucy Pollock - I’m finding it quite helpful

Hello All

Back from the visit which was actually fine. A bit sad actually as she clearly didn't recognise me at one point.

We had the Dinky conversation and it became clear she was conflating a cat she had as a child with one she had in middle age. That got her talking about her childhood and her one close friend, who she had known from infant school, and I think her death speeded up Mum's cognitive decline - more so than the death of my father - she never talked about him again after he died. No idea what is going on in her mind though.

I've just said to a friend that hopefully I will be able to see her now as a frail elderly person and set the interpersonal stuff to one side.

Best that guilt / resentment cycle is very familiar. I found it helps to be really honest about how you feel, with people you trust. Alongside that it must be so sad for you to see her declining in that way.

It is hard. I currently have a lot of verbal support and thanks from my sister and brother, and it is much easier for me to do more as I'm closer and an HCP so at least understand some things about her situation. But when they are doing things and bombard me with frequent texts I am resentful - I do feel like they should be able to get on with things without me. And yet I would probably be upset of they did stuff I didn't agree with. Difficult all round.

Im also neglecting my FIL for my DM, it was his birthday yesterday and all he got was a card and a call the day before. He should have had a call, a visit, a present. It's very difficult.

To be fair to my SIL she does DMs shopping every week and DB mows the lawn once a week but everything else is left to me. DM has a booster appointment this week and I am in work meetings all day. Bracing myself to as DB if he or SIL can take her. I know DBS answer will be ‘I can’t take time off work’. But it’s ok for me to use up my leave.

Went to DM's today to take her for her booster jab. Funny smell when I walked in - she's nuked the microwave I suspect by heating something in foil.

I was lucky to have been away on holiday, but her fridge was completely bare because between them DB and DD didn't really cover the stuff that I do, despite me leaving lists of shopping to get. They both checked with DM what she wanted, and were told nothing. I think everyone was just waiting for me to get back because apparently I'm the only one that can look in the fridge/cupboards to see what she needs.

The Alzheimer's Society have announced that the system for dementia patients to receive home care is on its knees, which means people are going into care homes earlier than necessary, thus shifting the problem to another part of the sector.

Successive governments have failed to properly address this issue because they know that families cannot (and wouldn't want to) abandon their olds and so will be forced to take up the slack, whatever the massive emotional burden on other members of the family.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2021/10/23/home-care-system-elderly-dementia-knees/

SILs DM who has vascular dementia has been discharged from her lovely care home into the local NHS trust’s dementia unit because they simply didn’t have enough staff to cope with her any longer.

DM is still struggling with her hip after falling and it has really knocked her back. X-ray shows no fracture but she’s been crying with the pain. She can just about shuffle around the house. I’ve spoken to the GP three times, we’ve spoken to the physio over the phone and all they recommend is painkillers, heat pads and gentle exercise. She’s asked me to phone the GP again tomorrow but I’m at a loss what to do next. Doesn’t help that her friend who is a doom monger at the best of times keeps telling me of people having fractures missed on xrays.

I just feel so sorry for her but I also feel guilty and resentful and ashamed that I feel resentful. She is still grieving terribly for DF. They used to be such active people, involved in local sports and politics, always off on holidays, loads of friends, a great social life. And now this. But otoh, at least she has had that. She keeps saying she wants to be with DF.

Yes my mother was discharged to a step down nursing home bed the Friday before last and fell twice in 48 hours. 2 trips back to hospital. I don't now think my mother was at all suitable for that environment then but also they just on the bones of their arses for staff.

The dog walkers in the park have anecdotal tales of elderly care units local to us having so few members of staff available for shift that it’s all getting so chaotic. I can see in my DM’s care home there are fewer staff cars in the car park. (Rubbish public transport links so it’s not that they are commuting.) I’d be surprised if this situation isn’t similar everywhere in the UK. My DSis brought a flask of boiling water and a sleeve of hot chocolate drinks with her to ensure when she was in mum’s room, my DM could get a hot drink. No longer can you pop to the kitchen and prepare one. I don’t see any improvements coming along any time soon

#permanent# FIL had gone with her in the ambulance because of her communication issues. He left at 11pm by which time she had had bloods taken and an x-ray!

Oh good Lord countrygirl. Sometimes basic care and logic deserts them.

Apparently the hospital phoned FIL at 4am to askwhy she was there. MIL has no verbal communication. Shouldn't that have been noted when she arrived?

Oh no @countrygirl99 . That sounds so stressful.
I LOVE the T shirt idea. That made me chuckle

We are thinking of making a family hospital tour 2021 t-shirt. Both BILs have also had life threatening (not covid) problems this year, BIL1s issues are chronic, and DS1s partner had a hysterectomy at 30. We could have 9 hospitals listed band tour style.
Dad will have to stay in overnight regardless as DB usually picks him up and he has covid. If I got a call now snd hadn't had wine it would be well gone midnight before I got home and it's not happening after a busy week at work and having to go to parents a couple of evenings to.sort heating (again) and drugs for next week.

Oh dear Country that all sounds v stressful.

Dad got taken to hospital just after lunch. No news yet.
MIL got taken to hospital late afternoon, ambulance queuing outside A&E.
Minor accident in a car park involving a hysterical man. Need a magnifying glass to see possible damage.
On 2nd glass of wine.