Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

Wow snowsquonk. I don't know if you drink - I can't cope with alcohol atm - but if you do, tonight might be the night. What a day.

So, today we moved my mil into her care home. It was ok. The staff are really lovely. She was a little bewildered at times but seems happy with her room and amazed that staff are there 24 hours a day.

We now have to clear her flat of belongings and furniture, spruce it up and market it, the thought of which is a bit much right now but there's no hurry and she's so much safer where she is tonight.

I am at war with DM's mouse, which DD saw in her kitchen this week. Today I gave her kitchen a decent clean, and encouraged her to go and clean her bathroom while I was there (it was rank) which surprisingly she did. Whereas I would usually sneak off to clean up I have decided I am not going to play along with her suggestion that she isn't incontinent, she has pads but says she doesn't need them. I know this is harsh, but I really need her to face up to the consequences of her refusal.

Thanks @HellonHeels

Mum had a breakdown of sorts when I was about 7, so I've spent my whole life with an awareness of mental health issues and had my fair share of my own, but I've always worked so hard to not let them get the better of me.

I know it's probably unfair of me but I just get so frustrated and impatient with the fact she will not help herself.

Oh my Minty I do feel for you. My mum gets like this and it gives me utter rage. The saving grace.for me is that she's on the other side of the world and restricted to phone calls.

Sounds like you need some really strict boundaries in there and not let her suffocate you. I feel panicky just reading about it. Solidarity!

Morning all. Still catching up post op so a bit weedy and haven’t seen dm for two weeks.
DB meant to visit today but dm put them off. So instead dh will go up with a list of things to do and we’ll do a challenge anneka on the contents of fridge/ food cupboards via FaceTime……
minty sending 🌺🌺
Cockroach all!!

Mere it's yet another example of how totally different me and mum are.

I've suffered from depression since my early 20s, but generally I'm like a cat or a wild animal...I'd rather slink away and deal with it on my own.

But...I have lots of hobbies and interests to distract me...mum just refuses to engage with anything.

Oh Minty that sounds completely suffocating and claustrophobic. To have so much demanded from you and yet that still not to be enough must completely sap all energy and morale.

The feeling that things are slipping away must be frightening, but god it’s hard to feel sympathy sometimes. One of the last sensible things MIL said to me was ‘I think a care home is inevitable now, I can feel it’, it was very shortly after that that all the weird phone calls and accusations started, and since that time she has absolutely refused to acknowledge that there is anything wrong.

We had seen signs of slippage from 5 or 6 years ago, becoming more obvious as time went on, but whether it would have helped to confront this issue with her earlier I have no idea.

From those hours Minty, it sounds like your DM is your new full time job?

@PermanentTemporary

Unofficially struggling atm but she showed me a meme on FB this morning and said 'that's exactly how I feel'. I can't remember exactly what it said but I did wondered if she's developing some awareness of things slipping.

She's always been maniacally houseproud. We had the estate agent round with a photographer this morning, and when I was pottering around getting up I noticed loads of small things...cobwebs, dust on door etchings etc that she would normally have noticed. The fact she wasn't running around flapping like a cleaning demon also isn't like her at all.

That aside I haven't noticed much else recently. She's on it with all the family/friends birthdays and has been managing her online shopping OK. Drove a 10 mile round trip to the dentist last week.

Oh my God Minty. She has a better social life than me. As you say, quite clear that there's an unfulfillable need there. I'm really sorry, I've forgotten if she's officially or unofficially struggling cognitively.

If this was a bloke we'd be telling you this was an abusive relationship and LTB.

When I went for counselling after leaving my controlling XH, the therapist said "I can see how you ended up in that type of relationship..."

Is there any chance of bereavement counselling for her? It might help and it would get her out of the house

I'm trying to get her to look into it, as has the GP but not getting anywhere. She really does need help on that front.

It became abundantly clear this morning that that is definitely what she needs. When she calms down its easier to see the scared, lonely elderly woman who can't quite see a way to move forward.

But have said to her I can't fix this...I can support and help but she needs to help herself, and also to dial back her expectations.

I was round from 10 - 3 Monday, she had friends round Tues afternoon, L for 3+ hours Wednesday, a neighbour in yesterday morning then me from 2.30pm yesterday until 12pm today, plus DD from 8pm last night.

She's had lengthy phonecalls with 3 friends/relatives (and another this morning) and two visits from a very sweet and chatty estate agent...but it's never enough.

She was sobbing this morning because she'll be on her own from midday today until middayish Sunday. She will have at least 3 phonecalls during that time, she drives, she has a smart TV and I've set her up with access to my Netflix account and made her a watch list of stuff she'll like, she can manage the internet.

It's just insane.

Minty so what if she's unhappy if you spend time with someone other than her? You can't make any plans because she won't commit in terms of time or financial support, she doesn't want you to see anyone but her. If this was a bloke we'd be telling you this was an abusive relationship and LTB.

It's not your job to make her happy, you are not her entertainments manager. She can get out of the house and meet people if she wants and if she doesn't want then she can stop in by herself.

Is there any chance of bereavement counselling for her? It might help and it would get her out of the house without you.

By the way, if he is losing his marbles, he’ll find it a lot more comfortable to blame the computer than come face to face with his declining faculties.

That sounds scarily familiar .

Malbec I really hope you manage to have a rest today and over the weekend.

I stayed at Mums last night, as did DD. Absolute nightmare.

Had to explain to her for the trillionth time that someone (guess who ) can have a green dot but their name on FB showing they are active but that doesn't mean they are sat in front of a screen, merely that they have left the app/window open.

Then we got into a debate about how many hours I would be spending with her now we've come to this arrangement about me giving up work (which she was 100% on board with when I gave my notice in, but is now backtracking on as 'all my friends think it's a terrible idea...'). Interesting on multiple levels as she's continually claiming she has 'no-one'.

I initially wrote down a timetable, told her I was happy to make changes week on week according to when she needa me.

Apparently I'm dictating everything so it suits me but not her. I've already agreed to come on afternoons two days a week rather than the mornings which I would have preferred. Last night I asked her at least five times 'when do you need me next week?', all she's done is get angry and hysterical and rant about the timetable (which was four weeks ago and hasn't been referred to by me since).

She is basically unhappy/angry if I priotitize anything in my life, including daughter, work, pets that isn't her, and don't get me started on her reactions if I have the temerity to see a friend.

At the same time she keeps moaning about money and the agreement that she'll help me out financially for a few months, but she won't commit to any arrangements that allow me to make plans for when I can work.

Aaaarrrgghhhh!!!

PS I agree about long journeys, I actually feel more tired when DH drives and I'm the passenger, than when I'm driving! I think it's because I'm silently back seat driving but have no control.

We are off up to London to see DS this weekend 🎉 and have told MIL we are going so won't be able to help her. It will be interesting to see what evil deeds we can commit in her home when we sneak in at night when we are 250 miles away .

Our latest sins are: DH has hidden and/or destroyed some old family photographs, Me, I have changed her Tesco online password "on the 24 of September!"

Me: that wasn't me B, I haven't done any online shopping with you for over a year, it was probably V (neighbour) and her friend when they came to help you

MIL: continues to rant, without stopping or bothering to listen to any reply

Is this grounds to invoke the PoA? Asking not entirely in jest

I wouldn't have thought so (grimaces bitterly) but you could invoke it if your DF agreed and was happy to let you handle his affairs. This would be by far the best option for you, if you can persuade him.

Otherwise you will need a medical diagnosis of incapacity, which I understand is pretty difficult to get.

hairbrush that sounds really positive. BestIsWest that's really good to read.

I'm back home with DF. I'm not sure why but he is exhausted. I have driven almost 500 miles in 3 days and he has just sat in the car. He has decided that he doesn't want to go home at the end of November. He asked if we could go back to that nice man in the Post Office to continue the mail redirection from his home to mine. Fine, except there was no nice man. I did it online...

We got home. The heavens opened a few minutes before we arrived. There was no food in the house and DH after 3 days home alone CBA to do any shopping. So off I went through the floodwater to Lidl. Got back soaked to the skin with DF's stuff & food for the next few days to see him sitting in his armchair almost in tears. I need to explain that there was a power outage in the early hours of Tuesday morning, before we headed north.

Me: "what's up dad?".
DF: "The computer is broken. I can't turn it on or anything. I'm so fed up & stressed."
Me; "Oh dear. Well I'll google a solution in a minute. Let me just see if I can do anything."
I pressed the switch on the back & the bloody thing turned on. I kid you not.
DF: "How on earth did you manage that? You're a genius."
Me: "Dad, I just turned it on."
DF "Well I tried for an hour and couldn't do it."
Is this grounds to invoke the PoA? Asking not entirely in jest

Took DM for her booster today. Have to say the staff were fantastic. I mentioned to the security guard that I’d need a wheelchair and he said - ‘No problem, they’ll come out to the car to give her the jab’ And they did, in terrible wind and rain. And made a real fuss of her. Lovely people.

Just thought I'd check in and say hello.

Glad the surgery went well sandwich hope you're continuing to recover well.

hairbrush it's lovely to hear your mum has ultimately settled in so well and is making friends...that must be such a weight off for you.

Permanent I can't imagine my mum in a home...she would just rub everyone up the wrong way. She went to look at sheltered flats last week and has had the house valued off the back of that although she didn't like the particular development.

toofar I'm sorry your mum isn't coping so well. Mine quite regularly mentions suicide, as did my dad during his deterioration. I don't have any concerns that mum would act on it but of course it's very hard to hear.

Unfortunately having consulted the GP a couple of times there is nothing they can give her in the way of ADs as all of then are contraindicated with one or other of the plethora of other meds.

I'm staying at mums tonight. There were undercurrents of drama with L when I spoke to her on the phone last night so hoping that isn't going to be a theme.

I've also got to be the news that the online on course I'm doing week after next isn't a dip in and out thing, but 9-4 Mon-Fri which I'm sure will go down like a lead balloon.

That sounds hopeful hairbrush. I'm really worried about my mum in a home, she is so solitary and private. But it may have to be, things are very different now. It's the calm before the storm.

I've just read about a woman who is caring for both her parents in their 90s, is next if kin for an aunt with dementia in her 80s and whose adult son has been very ill. If you are on this thread, cockroach to you.