Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

@Knotaknitter I hope you're feeling better soon and enjoy the week with your son.

One thing I'm very fortunate in is that my mum can't bear clutter...is it Swedish Death Cleaning that's a thing?

We've emptied what relatively little was in the loft since Dad died, and that and most of his stuff is stacked in the garage waiting to be donated/tipped. I've retrieved his art materials, a few DVDs and books and one of his rugby shirts.

Mum's taste is the polar opposite mine - she's very neutral and I'm a fan of bold colours, so when the time does come that side of things will be straightforward at least.

Took her to sign her new will today,and we had a reasonable morning. She's found a social group she's possibly interested in joining, and I mentioned that I'd been avoiding a few things as they're on the night I stay over and she was supportive of me changing that as necessary (she used to throw a purple fit if I suggested changing an arrangement).

Who knows how long it'll last but it makes a nice change. I think we need to get out more when we're together...it seems to take the edge off.

Malbec my son is back from uni for a reading week and I am really glad to see him. This week I've had a day with six hours with mum at the hospital, I'd just managed to get my covid booster before I had the call from the care home. I got back home to start feeling a bit rough and then lost the next day to feeling hot/cold and weepy. I am going to pretend that this week has never happened.

I certainly haven't done anything on mum's house, like IthinkIsawahairbrush it feels wrong to be disposing of her things while she is still alive. If she died in the night then they would be mine and I'd have no issues chucking stuff in the bin but they are hers and I don't have enough distance yet to be happy doing it.

@TonTonMacoute that's really good to read. Long may it continue.

@MintyCedric I don't know how you cope. It sounds like she needs distracting - are there any eligible chaps closer to her age?

@Toofaroutallmylife what a lovely message! MiL said similar to DH when she was dying about what a good son he was and how he had never given her a moment's trouble. DH has a brother who is severely mentally handicapped and BiL always came first with her, even above our DDs, so this final recognition was nice.

My DF is not too bad, still telling the same old, but still on it in many ways. However, I received a text from DH yesterday on my way home from work to say he had gone to the Minor Injuries Unit & was being sent by taxi to A&E with a badly swollen knee. I finally collected him at 8.45. His knee looks like it has a grapefruit stuck on it. It's not infected and when they took a sample, there was a lot of blood there. He is home, on crutches and wearing a knee brace and moaning like buggery. I so wish my DDs were home from uni to share the load...

@Toofaroutallmylife I don't know but it has left me tearful.

I am forcing myself to go to my mum's. It feels wrong to move things in there when she is not there.

@TonTonMacoute - so glad things have taken a turn for the better

@MintyCedric - oh boy, you have your hands full. I’d say “not your circus, not your monkeys” regarding your mum, but I know that’s not how it works x

The removal company is coming to mums house tomorrow. I’ve spent 4 hours today trying to finalise prepping the stuff to be stored / removed (I’ve spent many many days before this prepping). DM had said she had written on the back of some pictures who they should go to. Ive found mine “bless you - I loved you dearly- thank you for such lovely grandchildren”

This should be lovely but why has it left me so upset? Maybe I’m angry that I’m having to deal with all of the physical remains of a life. Maybe I’m upset that there are so many unresolved family issues that all seem to land at my feet.

I’ve been try to post “Cockroach” but my phone keeps changing it to “Cocktail!” Maybe my phone has a point

Thanks @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere much appreciated. I’m doing ok, getting stronger, yet to visit dm. Dh has been a star, and takes no s£&# from her.
I’m glad your dm is settling a bit…… it must be so hard when she doesn’t acknowledge you. I hope you are taking some time for you now. You have don3 so much.
I love the stories of your dad, dint. Must be good to be a daughter not a carer.
Great news ton ton. Amazing what the right meds can do.
minty your dm leaves me speechless. Please try and protect yourself.

Did your dad mean a peacock for her maj to eat Dint?

@MintyCedric Until you face the grinding reality of the phone calls and decision making that's required all day everyday on top of trying to live your own life you don't realise how much caring takes over.

I still get the anxious panic/stress sensations when I look at the tv guide and worry about what I can put on tv to keep her company! Sounds ridiculous in the grand scheme of things - how horrible am I to resent having to find something for my mum to watch on tv - but it was often the last straw at the end of a stressful day.

@MereDintofPandiculation I love your dad! What an amazing imagination

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

Tbh I may be getting up but that's about it at the moment...I'm still in my PJs and have done bugger all this morning.

I don't think the majority of people really understand the mental weight of dealing with this crap.

Wow @MintyCedric I don't know how you manage to get up each morning.

@thesandwich hope you are building up your strength and feeling a bit better.

Mum seems to be settling more in the past 10 days or so. My cousin and I went to see her on Monday. She was full of enthusiasm for a particular nurse who happened to walk through the dining room while we were there. She introduced yus as "My wonderful niece and my sister." Her sister died 12 years ago. I don't know if she actually thought I was her sister or if she forgot the word for daughter. We did correct her but she didn't acknowledge it. I am definitely persona non grata. No matter who she is talking to she focusses on my cousin the whole time and doesn't look at me.

I'm not sure what is worse - when she is lucid and appears normal or when she is off the planet and doesn't know where she is.

Great new @TonTonMacoute ...I wish they could give my mum something. She was reluctant anyway but lengthy discussions with GP have concluded in the fact that the meds she's on for everything else preclude every AD going .

Had her on the phone last night, much calmer. She had had a long chat with her best friend M, who has suggested that if she can just get her head around enjoying L's visits and not expecting anything else, all should be fine.

Of course M doesn't get the hysterical late night phonecalls or the 4am texts saying she feels like driving to his house and confronting him, or killing herself. I am quite tempted to email M screen shots of the above so she can see what I'm dealing but recent conversations with mum indicate she is just keen to tellher what she wants to hear, even if it means undermining me in the process so imagine it would get back to mum and I'd be the bad guy.

I know on paper it's easy to see what the right thing to do is (report him), but I'm just not sure I can cope with the fallout.

I don't think there's anything I can do to help her anyway as she's so determined to make her own (damaging) decisions and retain control of everything.

Great news @TonTonMacouteved. Long may it continue!

Oh TonTon what amazing news! Thats a brilliant change. Long may it last.

My dm is making regular breaks to get out of hospital now and is having to be put under a DOLS. She's physically much better. Fingers crossed I can get her to a nursing home this week.

Well, there has been a quite drastic change in MIL's behaviour, for the better thank god, and we think that the GP has managed to get her to take some anti-anxiety medication. Several of our contacts in both adult social care and the dementia team had said that medication would help a lot, but weren't sure she would take it as she was in denial about her condition and wasn't cooperating that well.

She had gone a bit quiet recently and was doing a lot less on social media, but we have now had a couple of almost "normal" conversations with her! She is very rambly and quite vague but it is now possible to ask her if she needs anything and to actually help her without being ranted at and accused of all sorts of crimes and misdemeanours.

We cannot think of any other explanation. We know we still have a hard journey ahead of us but it just makes life so much easier. I could weep with relief.

@notaflyingmonkey what a movie that would be!! 'This year... Trick or Treat fights back...'

I've finally made a start on An Extra Pair of Hands by Kate Mosse which I was anticipating disliking intensely due to her pov being somewhat ivory tower in comparison to us mere mortals.

Am only 4 chapters in and really impressed. She acknowledges her advantages and has clearly done her research into the bigger picture.

It's certainly making me angry...but with our society and our politicians rather than the author.

Good newssnow.
minty as others say, you can’t fix your dm. Back away. She will consume you.
nota oh heavens! Good luck with the mouse catching……

You aren't responsible for her Minty, so personally I would back away.

I realised earlier that in my hallway I had a bag of sweets for trick or treaters, and a bag containing poison sachets to aid in the intended demise of DM's mouse. Good job I stayed off the gin or that could have been an interesting take on trick or treat.

@Mum5net...I have fewer problems with my 17yo.

@AutumnWreath

She knows they're not in an actual relationship but she 'can't help her feelings' for him.

Of course the fact he's done nothing to discourage them and has actively encouraged her on a few occasions doesn't help.

Minty , is she saying he is her bf ?

Minty Many of us have parents behaving like toddlers. Your DM is a whole different ball game. She's more like a teen. Can you just say, Break Ups are hard and the right one will come along for you soon. Then offer to take her shopping.

Mum's again....she's sobbing hysterically over L again...

Says she's decided she has to get rid if him but can't cope with the idea of actually doing it. Begging me not to get involved...doesn't want to engage with counselling...can't take ADs.

WTAF am I supposed to do with her?