Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

Hello all. Glad you feel better @MereDintofPandiculation. That must have flattened you for a while.
toast welcome to the very well populated bad daughters suite with every comfort possible ….
And cockroach and cocktail to all..

Yes imagining the Good daughters' room as a cobwebby space swathed in furniture covers and the door so rarely used it sticks a bit in the frame...

I had a wonderful day off yesterday with newish bf and am lucky to get that sort of break with my sister stepping in to visit DM. But a desperate call from the ward phone by Mum around 5pm saying she'd somehow got herself into hospital and how long would she have to wait tonight until I came to get her? I don't blame her for feeling terrible as she's been in hospital well over a month now. But it did send me into a tailspin. The worst though is that this is inevitably going to keep going when she is in a nursing home - I just hope at least there there will be a calmer environment and more distractions like TV, a bath from time to time, places to wander.

I wish so much that she had died. This is no life.

Burningthetoast If the IL's have been flying under the radar then social services don't know they exist and they may have hidden reality from their doctor. It is probably time to burst the bubble of denial. MIL is a vulnerable adult at risk (the risk factors may include falling, not eating, leaving the gas on, not locking doors, immobility) and someone needs to ask social services to do a needs assessment for MIL. FIL should get his own as part of the hospital discharge. I think here the GP can refer to the incontinence service, if his parents haven't already given authority for him to talk to their doctor then this would be a good start (also a key safe so the hypothetical carers can let themselves in)

When mum came out of hospital respite care was a godsend because it gave me a week to breathe and it gave her a chance to see what it was like to be looked after. It is a brutal time but if there is a chance to make some changes that means their lifestyle is sustainable without a major family sacrifice, it's now. I often say here that it takes a crisis for change to happen. Is MIL capable of making a decision for a couple of weeks repite care until her husband comes home?

Be kind to yourself, if you're not sleeping (and 3.58am says not) that alone can make you weepy. It's not about what you should be doing but what you are able to do. This is a marathon, not a sprint. There are things that you can do for a week by setting the rest of your life aside but they are not sustainable in the long term. Hopefully you and your husband are on the same page because it's even harder if not.

Hello. I have very elderly in-laws and my MIL in particular is very frail. FIL is probably classed as that too now as he had a fall and broke his hip last week.

He was MIL's main carer and did an amazing job of looking after her. I suppose when you've been married for 68 years, you take that as part of the deal.

DH and I are looking after MIL and trying to organise some care for the pair of them. As you can imagine out of hours social workers aren't wildly helpful although they did offer to send someone to "pop in for ten minutes or so just to check on her" which is frankly, less than useless. She can't be left alone and we can't provide proper care at the level she needs. FIL was struggling but it seems that since Covid kicked off, he's hidden a few things like her continence issues, from us. They're both very independent, FIL especially, as see accepting help as weakness.

I'm also worried that the hospital will try to discharge him before he's mobile - MIL broke her hip last April and was home within a week. I know Covid meant that they just wanted her out before she contracted it and we were on board with that, but we were told she was using her Zimmer well - she wasn't - and that physio would be organised - couldn't get physio for love nor money. And at that time, we couldn't even go into the house to make sure that she was doing her exercises. Consequently, MIL has very limited mobility, even with the Zimmer. To take her from sitting room to bedroom, about 25 feet, she uses a wheelchair. The thought that FIL might come home with similar problems is a worry.

I feel like a need a space on the Bad Daughter's Bench because I want to find a home for her, just for a few weeks while we get the house sorted and get some care organised although I feel as though we should manage alone - we're lucky that we're self-employed and very flexible.
But just the last few days has left me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.

We live 20-some miles from them and so we're constantly dashing between here and there in shifts. We also have a dog that we can't take there because he's very hairy and MIL has a genetic form of COPD so enormous fluffy dogs aren't ideal around her, so he's spending a lot of time with a couple of our (amazing) neighbours.

I just feel over-whelmed and tearful and drowning in a sea of not knowing what to do for the best for them. I love my in-laws very much but I'm really not sure we can make what they want - to be at home together - happen. And I feel guilty for feeling slightly resentful that my life, already restricted by the fact that we're their only family, is now going to be entirely focussed on their needs.

Hence why I'm rambling here at 4am! Thanks for letting come and sit with you for a bit. It's comforting to know it's not just me and to read the posts of more seasoned campaigners.

God Minty I couldn’t cope with the intensity of your DM’s drama, I really couldn’t, you are a saint to put up with it. Do you have MH support for yourself, have you considered any support counselling or ways of focusing on care for you? I know counselling isn’t for everyone, and it’s expensive. I’ve got a person-centred counsellor at the moment who is helping me a lot.

That must be upsetting Hairbrush but you aren’t guilty of anything. You have done everything possible for your DM. My DM will also never stop wanting the impossible which is for her to be well and my DF to be alive and for them to be young again. There’s a poem by Charles Causely called Eden Rock which captures some of that sadness (blub warning).

That’s sad about the pictures and your Mum’s things Toofar. I also get what you mean about disposing of DM’s things while she’s still here Knot - I did a lot of swithering before composting the houseplants (not suitable for her to take to the care home) but she also rejects things I suggest she could have in the care home, including photos etc.

I could cope with the mouse Nota but not the incontinence denial. That’s an aspect of DM’s life I never had to get involved with and I resolved I never would. Happy to take a place on the Bad Daughter’s Bench for that.

Agh, that sounds hard Temporary.

MrsR as someone once addicted to alcohol who doesn’t drink, all my sympathies are with you while also understanding where your DM is. Not all drinkers stop, many don’t, because it’s too hard, and that decline has to be managed (in a civilised society) but you don’t have to do that – it’s why we all pay our various taxes. Is it possible for your DM to have care visits (public or private depending on what she qualifies for)? If she’s resisting then hey ho she has a choice to at least do that.

Good news exexpat!

I’m in a new phase with DM where it’s all about the care home relationship. Her home, like most others, is undergoing staffing problems, experienced staff have left because of the vaccine requirement and others are just ill or burnt out and can get more congenial jobs. They had problems recruiting a new manager too although that was resolved but I get the impression that they are operating in a new world – they are a relatively ‘high-end’ home and have I think previously sailed sedately along. I say impression because we relatives still can’t go inside. IMO this mindset needs to change – there are worse things than the risk of Covid for tripple-jabbed very elderly people.

I’m still travelling there monthly and seeing DM under the Covid regime – I’ve managed to take her out (not to her house, as warned against on here) a few times, always with someone else and I think it really needs two people. I’m in the process of finding a care agency to take DM out when I’m not there (appointments etc. hopefully maybe more), a couple have said they can do that. DM is still frail, still mildly demented and still self-absorbed and that is only going to go one way. I can’t believe how I’d be doing now if the previous pre care-home situation was still going on, at a time when work is hellish busy, although I can still get stressed about arrangements, it’s getting better.

Peacocks All! Dint I hope you’re feeling better.

Hope you're feeling a bit brighter by now Dint

My mother has just called me and instigated a conversation about hookers, phone sex and hand jobs.

I shit you not...

Has anyone else found their elderlies have had really bad reactions to the booster jab?

I've been having a rough few days with DM after she got her covid booster and flu jab earlier this week. She's been feverish, wobbly and unable to stand unaided some of the time, so has taken to her bed, meaning I and her cleaner-housekeeper-companion have had to be back and forth with food and drinks and commode-emptying services.

More worryingly, she has been getting very muddled and confused about things, her post-stroke aphasia (from 14 years ago) has suddenly got much worse, and she seems to be possibly having visual hallucinations. She seems perfectly compos mentis on the surface when you talk to her, so when paramedics arrived to check her over last night (I called them on GP's advice) they did not see any major cause for concern, but then every so often she will come out with something totally off the wall or will struggle to read/dial a phone number, or get totally the wrong word for something and not realise, even after repeating it emphatically several times. I am wondering when I need to ask if this is not just post-vaccine side effects, but possibly a triggering/exacerbation of pre-existing cognitive issues.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere I suggested counselling- can completely understand your feelings but do give yourself some time to yourself. And seize the joy you so very much deserve. It’s still early days for your mum- she may settle more, may not. But live your life.
And @MintyCedric- well, all I can say is grey rock, grey rock- and protect yourself.

Oh no, Minty. Hope your head is not too bruised from banging it against a brick wall... I have lost track of the L saga - is he still visiting her through an agency? And if so can you report him for inappropriate conduct? Or is it all non-official and mainly down to your mum these days?

And we're back to L being the best thing since sliced bread....

"He's my friend"

"I can't understand why you have a problem with him"

"I'm not delusional, you are"

"Do you want me to be desperately unhappy"

I told her she was batshit crazy and left.

Hairbrush see also, rolling a turd in glitter.... not sure what it is with me and effluent this week but here we are! Glad to have broadened the vocabulary of your son....

I think my mum realised she was struggling and didn't want to see friends in case she couldn't keep up or perhaps let her facade slip. I have had to be on hand as waitress/entertainment for her social life for the past 15 years so and she would never have gone anywhere without me.

@MrsRussell my son loves the idea of teaching a pig to whistle. He has decided to set himself a challenge and see how many times he can use it in conversation this week! (No, he's not a teenager - he is a full on adult).

I feel I am walking a tightrope between the sadness of losing the mum I have known and loved to this horrible condition and seeing her so sad on the one side and the sheer joy of the possibilities that are opening up for me on the other. I can have visitors whenever I want. I can walk out of the door any time I like. If I want to spend all day studying I can. I can actually spend time with my husband or on my own. Life is amazing. But my heart aches for her.

Someone mentioned me going back to see the counsellor. I might well do but not until after Christmas. Christmas is going to be hectic with all five kids and partners and my daughters inlaws and even though I am really excited I have a lot of practical stuff to do before that so I want to get that out of the way before I can really give myself any headspace for sorting out my feelings. And who knows, by then I might be less wobbly.,

Oh, and after Wednesdays meltdown she's still not sure if she's going to get rid of L.

I can see why people don’t accept help. Accepting help means accepting your decline

But surely it makes the road to the inevitable decline better than wallowing in misery?

We lived with my nan until I was nearly 3. She would have been 76 when we moved out, but she still had an active social life until she died 3 years later.

My wonderful nan in law was in her early 80s when she lost her husband. Within 6 weeks she was at lunch club on a Sunday and learning to play Bridge during the week. FiL, XH or I went over every Thursday to take her to collect her pension, do a shop and have tea & cake, and FIL stopped in for a cuppa during his rounds most days (he collected donations for Age UK), but otherwise she happily got on with life.

I find the defeatism and self-pity so incredibly hard to deal with.

Time to brace myself for my 24 stint round there...

Yeah that, Minty.
This is why I'm so "meh" about the guilt-tripping from the hospital about my not helping (read: putting my mental health and that of my family, first)
She doesn't have to live in shit and squalor. It's a wilful choice. She could have a cleaner come in daily to help with her continence aids, and she chooses not to. The hell with that.

Just phoned mum to check she got my message about going round a bit later today as have shopping delivery and course still ongoing.

Mentioned I needed to drop DD off early on the morning and she copped a strop and hung up on me before I got to "but I'll be back and work from yours for the day as I've nothing else on".

Called her back and told her I was trying to help her and didn't need the constant tantrums and abuse, cue hysterical sobbing and wails of "...you don't understand...."

No, I don't.

I have no idea why someone in relatively good health for her age and with all the time in the world makes no effort to engage socially with new people.

I have no idea why she doesn't use the aids she been provided on the NHS for her continence issues then moans about them limiting her.

I have no idea why someone with six figures in the bank and a mortgage free home bemoans the fact that her hearing aids work and she can't get an NHS test for another 18 months.

I haven't a clue why she won't engage with proper NHS counselling (much less pay for therapy) but spends all her time reading morose memes on FB and watching American psychobabble on YouTube.

I'm mystified as to the fact she has raging healthy anxiety, but as a diabetic lives on evaporated milk, fruit, boiled sweets and chocolate rice cakes and eats ice cream every bloody night.

I am soooo bloody tired.

I've been through it with both grannies in years gone by - complaining about not seeing anyone but not willing to face the social challenges of walking into a new group. I made lists of things local to them, sewing groups, lunch clubs, whatever I thought might interest them. There was always a reason why it couldn't be done even if I offered to go with them for a while.

In the end it's about people making their choices and living with the consequences. I have seen the consequences of mum being a hermit and I didn't want to put that burden on my son so I made an effort and I now have two mornings a week where I chat with people I'm not related to (many of whom fall into the category of physically healthy, solvent widows)

I'm all done with the feeling guilty thing, Mints. It's like teaching a pig to whistle - achieves nothing, and just irritates the pig.
It's quite liberating ;-)

I think that's the thing that hacks me off the most - that she could change the things she whines about, and doesn't. If I was a physically-healthy, solvent, independent widow, I'd be all over the damn place

I hear you loud and clear. Admittedly at 82 mum does have her health issues but she can still drive and potter about. Her memory is getting a bit alarming but it's not at a stage where it would stop her doing anything.

It's hard not to feel resentful that she's comfortably off with all the time in the world and few restrictions and wallowing in self pity, while I'm constantly struggling and could put all that money and time to good use.

Then I feel guilty...and tired...and terrified that I'll end up just like her.

I think one of the things Minty is that Akela was the same age as DM, and there is a part of me that thinks - that sucks. One of these people was a much loved and much needed community support who was a genuinely "good" woman. And the other is my mother, who had the capacity to be all of those things and chooses instead to be as you say relentless in her neediness.
I think that's the thing that hacks me off the most - that she could change the things she whines about, and doesn't. If I was a physically-healthy, solvent, independent widow, I'd be all over the damn place - joining Strictly chat groups on FB, going to the Stitch and Bitch two hundred yards from my front door, off down the WI - but she doesn't want to do /anything/. Oh I'm depressed. Oh I'm not as strong as you. Oh I can't walk that far. (Shop selling alcohol is further, natch, but...)

I give up, I'm done.

Oh MrsRussell it's just the relentlessness of it all isn't it?

Feels like they're just on a self-destruct mission although in my mum's case it's emotionally rather than physically.

It's an awful thing to say but if only there was a timescale it would be easier to cope with.

I'm sorry about your friend . I left Guides when I was about 15 but our leader (who also saw me through Brownies) was an astonishing woman who I still have very fond memories of.