Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

In the words of Tom Waits, The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away.

I think that Dint's summary pretty much sums it up, it's will make no noticeable improvement for most of us.

2023 seems a very long way away, I am not at all convinced that mum will see Christmas, never mind 2023.

Hello Everyone. Cockroach all, and gin/ chocolate/ whatever.

I went to visit my mother on Sunday and it was actually quite pleasant. She was very smiley and actually said it was nice to see me! Clearly her memory is shot to,pieces though. Can't recall having the booster, can't remember her friend's name, denied having talked to another lady who she sits next to all the time. It must be a very scary place for her.

Apart from the dementia and all the frailties of being 90 she is in pretty good nick for her age, so this could go on for a very very long time.

I wondered if there had been any discussion on here about the forthcoming cap on care home fees from 2023. The loophole that I can see is that it applies only to the care, not to the accommodation and food. I immediately asked for a breakdown of what is what, but the home was unable to provide one.

It would be helpful to be able to plan, as the fees are burning through her savings as you can imagine.

The place has recently been sold on, so will be part of a group of four homes. It's been independently run up to now. It's a higher end establishment yet the fees are slightly less than more bog standard places so my financial warning lights are flashing amber - I'm expecting another hike in fees. ( it was 5 per cent last year) .

And now I know why they spent a fortune on a promotional video, including aerial shots... They spun that as being a marketing instrument for the website, which I didn't buy at all. They are not exactly short of clients.

Thank you all for your messages. Some really good advice and kind responses, also it is nice to hear I'm not a wickedly neglectful daughter!!!

Well she's not stopping from the 17th Dec until 2nd Jan as she thinks she is. 23 - 28th is the max we can do. We're bloody away 20 - 22 so she wanted collecting and bring here before we went.

It's all just got too much this past two weeks, she was all dramatic and "It's a sad, sad day" yesterday. Why? My last Sunday here for weeks.

I've been reading some more of the tread and some of you have much more difficult situations to deal with. Especially if parents need care but refuse it. Mind you DM doesn't really know why she needs a carer to take her shopping when she could so easily live with us.

DF was sick for quite some time, in and out of hospital and then they couldn't help him anymore. He was just so worn out. I need my own space to recover from weeks spent away from home at the hospital and also to miss him. He was an amazing parent and a world class GF but I find myself unable to cry or switch off at all. Counselling is a fabulous suggestion. Thank you.

I just can't describe how tense she makes me. I'm reduced to counting the days until my DSis is taking her home. Poor DSis, we will both have to put some new boundaries down.

@Terryscombover Eight weeks? You deserve a medal not admission to the bad daughter's room. My mother came for Christmas every year after dad died. We learned to be very specific with the invitation because she also used to come at the weekends. One year it ran weekend - Christmas - weekend - New Year - weekend and it was just too much. I love her dearly, as did my husband but I can tell you now that ten days is too long for house guests at Christmas (so you know what I think about an eight week visit).

It's like having difficult children, you ignore the behaviour you don't want and react to the behaviour you want to encourage. Sighs, silences, tutting, huffing and eye rolling are a MIL feature for me and I've learned to ignore them all. If she doesn't use actual words (which I take at face value, none of this saying one thing and meaning the opposite) then I'll carry on with whatever I was doing. Mum also used to rule with a frosty face, I was in my forties when I realised I could pick up my car keys, announce I was leaving and walk away. It was empowering for me and a massive shock for her. I'm not six, I'm an adult and I deserve some respect even from family.

Have a look at the calendar and decide what you are happy with. It's date1 to date2 and that's what's on the table together with a turkey dinner. I know she's grieving but she needs to build her new life which she can't do from your house.

@Terryscombover Your Not-So-DM sounds a nightmare and I do sympathise. You've gone beyond what should be expected and even a little acknowledgement of that, never mind appreciation goes a long way.

@Terryscombover

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad, and FWIW I think you having your mum to stay for two months makes you a saint!

I can also related to what you're saying about blaming your mum for your dad's death.

I'm not in quite the same boat, but I do feel resentful on his behalf that she held him back from living the life he wanted in a lot of ways, and a lot of anger about how she treated him in his last couple of years.

Have you had any counselling? I've had one or two text vents with the Cruse helpline and found even that small amount of conversation really helpful.

The dementia nurse had mentioned medication some time ago, but said she thought the anti-psychotics would be too much for MIL as her heart is in a poor state, and she is due to have a valve replacement (although this seems to be on hold).

I do think that Risperidone was the intended drug however, although DH did manage to hear a phone message from the GP saying 'I have been told to prescribe you this', which might indicate that she had reservations about it.

It is frustrating that we are unable to discuss all this with the doctors, but there we are.

Hello. Can I join you please in the Bad Daughter's wing? I'm losing my mind. My DF died two months ago and my DM has been living with us ever since.

She's bloody hard work. Can't work anything made post 1970. All paperwork down to us. She's miserable and uses pleading tones of voice to respond a simple offer a cup of tea. She does nothing.

She was horrible to me recently and I've told her she has to go home. She's ruining my home life, she scared the kids witless and I can't begin to grieve for my beloved DF.

Unfortunately both DSister and I blame DM for Dad's death. She ran him ragged. It's stupid but now she's doing it to me!!!!

Anyway I'm now subject to sighing, silences and demanding 10 days here over Christmas and New Year - 16 hrs of driving for us of course.

I just want my Dad to tell me what to do. I work FT and DH is a bloody saint to be honest. It just her. She watches me do chores, cook etc. Rarely speaks except to list stuff I need to do for her.

I know she has to go. But I feel wicked. God I'm so fed up with life right now.

Toast I agree with the other good advice you’ve had that your In-laws need to accept help that isn’t you – because they need it and will not be coping without soon (and you may not be). A straw poll of people I know in a similar situation to me all had to go down the home-care route before a care home: in my case the shift from one to the other was swift because it revealed that my DM actually needed an eye on her 24 / 7. It seems to me a huge move for you to go and rent near them, your decision obviously but it seems you are bending your life to fit theirs for an indeterminate length of time and I totally agree on the points re boundaries.

You are right Dint I had forgotten the Bad Daughters’ space is now a whole extension. I see it as a sun room, in part reminiscent of a very good spa like Seaham Hall but with an infinity pool which really goes on into infinity like the restaurant at the end of the universe, but yet also has the vibe of the lanai from Golden Girls. Thought needs to go into the Bad Sons’ area for TonTon’s DH - roaring fire plus gin is a good start.

Ooh MrsS are you allowed to say anything about your writing on here or does it count as Forbidden Advertising?

I love my own cleaner. I scatter rose-petals beneath her feet. I could not do my job or claw back my life without someone else doing my house and garden: it’s not that either are at all big, but that living on my own and working in a demanding job and being at the mature end of middle age, I would either have a meltdown when precious down-time had to be used for cleaning or, more realistically, I would live like someone on a Channel 5 shock-doc.

Thanks all. Those are really good points about getting the help in early so that they're less resistant. Adding it once he's feeling better will be harder.

And yes, noted re the managing our own contribution and setting boundaries. Both DH and I are people who are practical and get things done (albeit in my case with some middle-of-the-night panics) and it will be too easy to just do everything ourselves.

Also @Knotaknitter - yup, that's what care would cost for two of them up here. About £1850 a week each.

I think your ILs are extremely lucky Burning that you and your family are prepared to make such a big upheaval to enable them to stay at home.

The barrier of getting them to accept help in the home is enormous but once it has been breached and they have nice friendly people, that they have got to know, popping in regularly it does lighten the burden for you.

Have you seen the note on the NICE page for Risperidone that it is confused with Ropinerole?

that doesn't fill one with much confidence!

DH has been feeling really guilty that they prescribed Risperidone and was afraid that this is because he exaggerated MILs symptoms, this physical attack has at least proved to him that he hasn't.

Wow @BurningTheToast that is a pretty huge outcome.

I can only echo really what Knot and Dint have said about putting things in place sooner rather than later, and honestly I would strongly advise against the daily visits unless it's essential in the short term.

I live about 3 minutes round the corner from my mum, and whilst in theory it's much easier, in practice it simply means the expectations are much higher because I'm on the doorstep and it's so much easier to call me than to get anyone else in.

And as for the visits...it's doesn't take long for popping in to becomes 'what do you mean you can't come tomorrow' and 'are you going already, you've barely been here five minutes' after 3 hours.

Think about how you want your life to look a year or two from now in relation to their care needs and get your boundaries in place from the outset, because its virtually impossible to do later.

Is care really that expensive where you are BurningtheToast? My mother has just moved to nursing care and I coughed a bit at £1050 a week. I am glad you've managed to have A Talk and get some recognition that things need to change.

I think it's a really good idea to outsource as much of the work as possible as soon as possible, I'd be getting a cleaner/housekeeper now because as time goes by and this crisis fades from memory it will be harder to do it. If they have someone in the house to clean floors it is a small step to having someone going in to help with personal care. The issue is having the stranger in the house, the garden is less of a personal space. Better it being a squad of employees each doing a little work than one person collapsing under the load of little jobs. It's also future proofing the setup and it means that if you suddenly have a broken leg (or a holiday) there's someone there to step in. It also means that you have everything in place for any future crisis.

It will be interesting to see what your son comes up with, do let us know whether he gets you a fourth floor flat with great views and no lift above the hipster coffee shop and bistro.

Goodness Burning that sounds like quite a conversation. And quite a heavy outcome for you. Is your FIL funding the new flat or any of these costs?

Cripes, that was a wall of text - sorry for rambling on!

Hello again - didn't meant to dump all my 4am worries and run away but as you can imagine life's pretty chaotic.

FIL has his op yesterday - it wasn't a hip as thought but a spiral fracture of his femur. Saw the surgeon, all went well, today the physios will have him up on his feet.

I spent about an hour chatting to him about The Future and how we're going to have to manage tthings. DH was at home with his mum and to be honest, DFIL tends to listen to me more, he insists on perceiving my husband's suggestions as criticisms. The Great Please Stop Using A Chainsaw Not That You're 90 And A Bit Doddery Incident of 2020 was particularly memorable.

Anyway, I digress. FIL will not consider a care home. Just won't. We can't make him (we can't, he has capacity) and he says that if we do he'll just walk out. He and MIL want to be at home together. He was at boarding school in the war and it was pretty grim and I suspect he thinks a care home would be the same. He ran away from school several times so he has form for absconding!

So I changed tack and pointed out some of the things they either are struggling with (keeping up with cleaning) and/or will find trickier given his accident (helping MIL to use a commode, cooking etc). And I asked how he thought the best way to manage that is.

The plan that DH and I came up with, and that he's agreed with, is that DH and I are going to rent a house near them. We currently live 20ish miles away and if the bridge traffic is bad that can take an hour or more. There's no real possibility of popping in two or three times a day just to keep an eye on them.

We'll be able to visit daily and so on and be close by if say, one of them has a fall. And he's agreed to have a key safe in case anyone else needs to get in. He's agreed that he will let us take some of the domestic load by organising gardeners and that if necessary he will allow a cleaner. I did make clear that I am not that cleaner - my own house is neglected enough already. We'll also be able to cook for them a bit more and he's agreed to a phyio going to the house a couple of times a week to work on their mobility.

They would have to self fund care home places and I can see why he baulks at £15k a month to do that for both of them. That will buy in a lot of assistance. And they will be at home, together, which is what they want and we want them to be happy.

The downside is that I have to find a house to rent in short order, that we'll have to finish the refurb of our house from a distance and there's a possibility that we'll never actually get to live in it again. Which is a shame but you know, moaning about moving to a nice house in the city feels a bit like complaining my diamond shoes are too tight when I consider how difficult things are for some people. There is a small upside in that our son quite likes the idea of us living in the city centre - he's in charge of our flat hunt it seems - and has indicated that he would probably be at home more if we were no longer living in the sticks with crappy broadband and not a hipster coffee shop in sight. So swings and roundabouts.

Thank you so much for listening and your support. Knowing we're not alone and that I'm not being selfish in worrying how we'll cope or wrong to feel resentful etc is really helpful.

Oh my Lord TonTon! Physical attack is a new one??

So today my mother made it out of the hospital without anyone noticing. The staff were racing around and security checking CCTV but no joy. She was eventually found in the car park with bruises and grazes from a fall.

I'm honest, I just feel sorry for the hospital team trying to do their jobs with minimal staffing and my mum's total determination to elude them...

Can DH join as a Bad Son? Not sure how he would look in a Handmaids Tale type outfit though ?

He is trying hard (and failing) to calm down after a short visit to MIL.

Things have been a lot better since she was prescribed medication but it's still a bit bumpy. We have discovered that she is on Risperidone which appears to be quite a heavy duty anti-psychotic drug. She says she has no idea why it has been prescribed but she seems to know that she must take it.

We have had some sensible conversations about Christmas presents from her to DS (her only DGC) and I am organising it all, but she keeps nagging and fussing about it. DH went over to try and go through where we are to reassure her, then she suddenly started up with the accusations again and she was trying to physically prevent him from leaving, he's got bruises on his back! He feels very shaken by it, her behaviour is just so unhinged.

Minty sorry but the subject matter of your DMs phone call made me 😳, sorry too that L is back in favour. It's just such a bloody emotional roller coaster.

Dint glad you're feeling better again.

Afternoon all - do the Bad Daughters have a uniform, like The Handmaid's Tale?
I should be sewing but I've just got a new book (I say book, it's a novella) out and I'm waiting for some bugger to review it. I haven't actually finished writing anything since 2020 so it's quite a big thing for me to have it released at last.
Sort of on that note, it's funny when I re-read my own books, how my main character - who is very much from a dysfunctional family - has spent most of the series building for themself a conventional and blisteringly dull home life. I dunno, it's almost like I set out to write my own wish fulfilment fantasy and just happened to drag my fictional characters into it to do it for me.....