Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

Hairbrush The counselling has come at the one time where you have the space to process the ideas it's presenting you with. A month or so you would have had difficulty not fixing all your mum's problems and identifying where her life ended and where yours began but the physical distance between you makes that easier. Her problems are hers to fix, if she can't see the tv she can ask the staff if there's anything that can be done.

I have called mum's gardener which I've been putting off for weeks because I would have to tell him what happened. He's known her for years and I knew he'd be upset.

The black humour on this thread is what keeps me going.

I had a major breakthrough in my counselling session on Monday. The counsellor told me I had to give myself permission to do things I enjoy. I asked her if she gave herself permission to do stuff and she said no. I realised I don't need to that either. I am free to do what I need to do and what I want to do.

Mum is very unhappy in rehab. She has a lovely room with a tv and ensuite bathroom but can't see the tv. The food's not good and she can't see the tv. It is worse than the proper hospital. But I am refusing to be upset by her unhappiness. I can sympathise with her but I can't fix life for her. And I can't shield her from it the way I have done in the past. I am still happy for her to come home but she will have to work hard to be able to make it.

Dad came home last night so hopefully things will calm down. Hospital arranged reablement care. I haven't plucked up courage to phone to check they haven't sent them away and told them they don't need them.

@Knotaknitter My mum's the same. She makes up things to fit her narrative. She says some bizarre things, most recently she confided to me that a relative had a secret woman friend and had hurt his back dtd (she put it more crudely than that). He'd actually been in a car accident & had whiplash. I don't know where these strange ideas come from. She should have been a novelist.

Mine's still being a dick.
Still being taken to hospital on a pretty much daily basis and released same day. Spoke to her on Saturday and "she wasn't well" and "she wasn't coping" - I was actually working in a real place other than home on Friday, she did not like that at all BUT WHY WERE YOU NOT AT HOME I WAS RINGING YOU ALL DAY - maybe, but I was doing my actual job?
So she didn't ring me on Sunday. Which means drinking.
Nothing yesterday until 7pm, I turn the phone off at 7pm because that's when we start winding down for the Junior Engineer's bedtime - with SATs and Covid and everything, we are pretty rigid on having routines and things because something's got to be normal in his world at the moment, right? - but no. ten past 7, after a nice manipulative silence all day.

Oh well, she will cry wolf once too often I imagine.

Keep on keeping on, fellow roaches!

Mum tells me some right rubbish, I have no idea where it springs from because it's not even something that used to be true in the past it's just a total fabrication. I smile and nod and try not to think about it too much.

Mum isn't coping well. Saturday when I took her to visit she thought she was going to bring him home. Same yesterday. Last night she phoned to tell me dad is in hospital. She told DB that she always cooks from fresh and they only use stuff from the freezer when they go out for the day and get home late. They have lived on ready meals for year. Even when we were kids mum was delighted to get a freezer so she could have a stock of ready made food from Bejam and a the microwave was her dream come true. She can't make up her mind whether dad had only just gone in and everyone needs telling or if he has been in for weeks. It's day 4 today.

Could do without too many days like that! Work is manic as we are implementing a major project. At least DB will pick things up during the week. I suggested a few process improvements when the silly moo told me she couldn't tell me anything because covid🤔

countrygirl you did have a day of it. I hope the rest of the week is less dramatic for you.

I've probably earned a rare good daughter badge today. Dad had a fall very early hours yesterday. DB1 was summoned to help him up but as he was in a lot of pain and has osteoporosis and has had a lot of fractures he called an ambulance. They thought it was bad bruising but took him in for a check over. DB1 was on standby all day to collect him but no call. DM has dementia and she was giving us all different stories about what ghd hospital was saying. Hospital refused to tell DB1 anything when he called and dad was still in this morning.
Spoke to DM who told me she had phoned but they had just passed thephone to Dad. Do I phoned and when thd phone was finally answered got a right jobsworth who to me she had spoken to DM and they only speak to one family member once a day. DM had alzheimers and even if she understands what she is told she forgets quickly which I pointed out. Attitude was very much "not my problem"! I made it clear I was not impressed and eventually got to speak to someone else who was actually sensible. I managed to find out Dad has pneumonia, is on IV antibiotics and will be in for few days and can have a visitor. So pulled out all the stops to get to mum - I'm not local to DPs and get her to the hospital for the 1-2 slot and mum is hard work to organise. Now have it recorded that they will speak notify me or brother of any developments and just keep mum happy. Knackered now, have had sufficient wine to make sure I can't drive anywhere this evening.

I went to see my Mum the other day for the first time in a year. I live overseas and haven’t been able to get back. She has been reasonably pleasant to me for the past four years since she ended up in hospital for a few weeks and I took some time off to settle her back home.

After the initial 24 hours, the pleasantness wore off - she didn’t call me “shit as a daughter” as she has before, but there was a litany of complaints of all the things I have done wrong in my life “and now won’t be able to put right”, most of which came from my teenage years. All very petty and trivial - like a birthday card that didn’t arrive, and also my husband choosing a navy suit for our wedding “when your father looked terrible in navy, and he was so angry”. I’d spent four days with her in a relatively short break, which included a funeral and a hospital appointment. She has no interest in her grandchildren (never has) and the latest complaint is that it is my fault that she doesn’t have a close relationship with them.

So please pass me a huge piece of cake (“Aunt Rachel thinks it’s terrible that you’ve got so fat. I was so embarrassed when I had to tell her that you’re a size 24” - wtf, and I’m not anyway) and an enormous gin (“Don’t you worry about your liver? It’s also very fattening, alcohol…”).

Hairbrush they must really think she's going to benefit from this if there were 29 on the list for transfer but she's moved already.

It's going to be hard for you to have a day that isn't centred around her but it would be good for you both to develop lives that aren't so focussed on each other. It's like when your children start school, they have a life that you aren't part of. When you're not visiting you could be away on holiday, eating chips on a pier, hiking up a peak, drifting round an art gallery - whatever floats your boat. This is your chance to take some time for yourself and actually relax. I didn't find the transition easy, I suddenly had all this time, no commitments, I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and I didn't know what to do with myself.

Try not to think about the future, when/if she'll be coming home. It's going to happen whether you worry about it or not because it's out of your control. I think intermediate care is funded for six weeks so I'd plan for it being a six week stay. You could redecorate the house in that time (I couldn't, I've spent more time than that not choosing paint for my bedroom). She's getting out, meeting people, having more social interaction than she's had for a while. You could be doing the same.

Mum's place was a really nice environment, it totally changed her views of what residential care looked like. Massive bedroom and wetroom, airy corriders (all for wheelchair access), little reading nooks, dining tables set for six with tableclothes and napkins. When you compare it with a hospital stay - well there is no comparison.

Have a nice weekend, do something for you (I cleaned the porch out but each to their own)

A strong English Breakfast Tea for me please. And I'll have a slice of the naughtiest cake you've got going!

I had a mad dash on Wednesday. My uncle was supposed to visit her but couldn't because my cousin's son had had to come home from school to isolate after close contact so I had given myself time to get ready to catch the bus only for the OT to ring and say that mum was moving the next day to rehab. So I had a mad dash to pack up some clothes, only just caught the bus and made it for my visiting slot.

She moved yesterday and I had a phone call from the family liaison lady who was so lovely. She can only have one named visitor (me) and I can only visit once a week for 30 minutes by appointment. So I am going to see her tomorrow with some more clothes which will all be labelled.

I had a message this even from a FB friend that I don't know really, just an acquaintance, but she works in the rehab hospital so she has been chatting to mum and said that she was a bit shell shocked but cheerful. She has her own room with an ensuite bathroom and tv.

The hospital will help her to make phone calls and will set up Face Time if she wants to do that and I can ring her any time for a chat. I have bought her a new mobile phone though so hopefully she will be able to use it.

No news on whether or not she will actually be able to come home but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

China or Indian or builders? How many sugars? Or gin? Earl grey for me!!
Oh onthepiste im sorry. Go and don’t look back.I would have said there is no signal so don’t expect a call(did when we went away recently)
Just had dm telling me she was sent having the booster jab because the jabs have made her unwell( not that I’ve noticed…….)
Shall I top up the pot?

Afternoon, anyone fancy a cuppa in the bad daughters room?! Just left DM, she has driven me round the bend. I am going away on Sunday for 2 nights to a lovely spa/golf/tennis hotel to unwind, relax and have some fun. Well you think I was emigrating to the other side of the world! Non stop self pitying comments-I don't know what I will do on my own for 4 days, I'm going to be so lonely-I guess I will just sit in my chair and watch tv like I do every day (We had just been out to the supermarket and then for a cuppa at the beach cafe).

I point out that it is only a couple of days, I need a break etc and she says oh I know you do, but I will be so lonely, blah blah and it all starts again. She has carers 5 times a day, she is hardly on her own but clearly wants me to do everything, not them. Phone is going off during the day and I will be calling her once each evening.

It's making me so resentful that she relies on me so much. I lost my Dsis 2 years ago and not once has she asked me how I am coping. Everything is about her and how awful her life is. I try and be sympathetic but there is a limit to my patience!

Hope everyone is ok especially expat and minty

DF had nearly died so many times over the past two decades, including one bout of sepsis years ago that put him in ICU for weeks and hospital for months and left him permanently disabled, that his death felt like it had been hanging over me for ever, so when it actually happened, it did not seem like such a big thing. His quality of life was crap, he was almost certainly in the early stages of vascular dementia, he was no longer able to return to the house he loved so much (too much...), he accepted that it was time to go.

He had so many things wrong with him that it is quite remarkable he survived so long. If he had been younger and fitter the surgeons would have amputated one or both his legs this year due to diabetic and vascular issues and infected bone, but he was too frail to survive that kind of operation so he had the prospect of creeping bone infection and possibly gangrene to look forward to. Sometimes death is not the worst thing that can happen to someone.

It all feels very different from when my husband and my sister died.

Vent away knot
knot do I remember your dm having a gardener? Could that help? Finally found a decent one for mum- reliable and thorough. And takes his shirt off when warm!!
Cockroach all!

I think we all know we don't need to apologise for using this space to vent knot.

Sorry for the essay, my friend is dealing with her own inlaw issues at the moment and I have literally no-one to talk to.

Dint I said "housework" rather than "washing up" but that is otherwise word for word the conversation I had with my neighbour. My garden hasn't looked this good in years although that's not saying much. Mum's garden is not looking its best, half an hour twice a week is enough for the grass but not much else. My current strategy is to stand at the gate, tackle what looks worst and give up when I fill the garden waste bin. I have the phone number for her gardener so hopefully he will return it to its usual manicured condition and I can run round the grass while I'm there to collect the post.

I've had an assurance from The Family that social services have been told that I'm not available for inlaw care because of my mother. I'm still jumping when the phone rings and practising my "no" in case I need it. I have no doubts at all that if I hadn't backed out after the carpet cleaning episode I would now be hip deep in the current crisis. I've said before that it needs a crisis for things to change and it was the same for me, I wouldn't have been able to say no if I hadn't been pushed past my limits.

Exexpat the admin is something that you can do as you want and you don't have an audience, it was a relief to get the public performance of the funeral out of the way. The sheltered accommodation sounds lovely and now that normality is just around the corner all the facilities will be opening up.

Comfy sofa, thanks Dint.
All quiet here, my parents are starting to venture out again. The charity that is involved for my dad can take him on outings again so once a week they get a break from each other which helps them, and me, so much. Still concerned about mum as she does everything for him and won’t hear when I say he can do more. The physiotherapist was in this week and he wouldn’t try the exercises again once she left but mum makes excuses as ever. She has lost weight and is looking really small, I’ve spoken to her but she says she is fine, (just a martyr to my dad as she has been for their whole married life…….)
How do I get her to think about herself for once?