Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

This thread helped me feel that I wasn't alone, I certainly felt isolated and alone dealing with DM and MIL's many problems. Why did no-one else tell me about the miracle of the red bag for washing soiled laundry? That's because there was no-one else to talk to.

I think the bad daughter's room should be renamed the room of reluctant martyrs. It's not that we're bad daughters, just that we're not prepared to sacrifice all of our life to support someone else's life.

The thing about this thread is that my problems fade into insignificance when I see what others are dealing with.

I went to see mum this afternoon and she was in very poor spirits. She had had a funny card from my son and all the nurses had laughed with her about it and flowers from a friend but was on the verge of tears all the time I was there. I have never seen her so down.

I was trying to be upbeat and tell her that she will be moving to a home temporarily until the care package is in place but it could be a few weeks. I think she feels she has nothing left to live for.

On the plus side the staff are aware that her mind is not right. She is talking about visitors who we know have not been to see her. They have decided to put her on the Butterfly Scheme so my cousin and I filled in the form together. It was good to have someone with me to do the questionnaire because she thought of points that I had not considered.

I'm going to try and phone her every day to show her that I'm still thinking of her.

I just feel sad tonight.

By the time I got there it was all calm and mum was back to clucky again. DB is normally the first called, he's the golden child and they followed him when he moved away, she most definitely has his number in the landline phone and her mobile. I suspect she knew deep down she was behaving badly so I got the call. Dad phoned me last night because I'm before him in the alphabet so scrolling down he got to me first. DB is going to try and call in around the time the carers come tomorrow so he can see what they think. They are struggling to understand how to use some of the equipment so that will be his excuse to talk.

@countrygirl99 I'm sorry things are so rough atm...it's awful when you feel you have to go against one parent for the benefit of the other, but it sounds as though social services involvement would be a good idea.

I presume despite your mum's Alzheimers the powers that be are still assuming she has capacity?

@Firstruleofsoupover sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I manage largely with all the usual woo stuff...aromatherapy, meditation apps, rescue remedy etc, but I have a low dose of diazepam on prescription for when it gets too much.

I was scared to try it for months but it just takes the edge of and I haven't found it addictive. I just use it if I'm feeling particularly anxious at bedtime and other methods don't work, or after a 'major incident'

The other things that have been great for me are having an A4 spiral notebook with all numbers and memos of conversations in, and - calling the doctor for emergency teleappointment as I was waking up at 3am and that was it, a very long day stuck with my own misery and repeat. I was prescribed Mirtazapine, which is actually an anti depressant, and when I read the leaflet I called the doctor and said noooo I am not depressed I am very anxious I need something for anxiety! However this Mirtazapine was exactly right in that you take one in bed at night and oh friends you sleep. It does also deal with anxiety and although I don't take them all the time now, even though I am yet again standing on the edge of a volcano (of sh*t) as DH puts it, I am in one piece, more or less. Kinda. Not for everyone I know and many say you gain weight on this particular one, but just in case someone who is humming and ha-ing about stating their anxiety needs to the Dr, please consider calling your GP to discuss YOUR needs.

Dear Countrygirl and good morning all,
I was told by several people I should get social services involved for my two (mum with increasing disability and memory) and sibling (with personality addiction and mobility issues caused by falls etc) and suggested it to them at crisis times but went with their refusal. In the end and several years later it sort of went the other way when SS got referrals from ambulance service, GP and police. I wish I had ignored the original refusals, and not been so scared of what would happen tempers lost accusations etc - and just done it as they weren't safe. That was the line I could have repeatedly taken and stuck to when things got nasty.

I have found social services to be discreet, friendly and - of course massively overworked, but it is so good to be on their radar and they have helped quite a bit. At times they have been the conduit for extra help that I then find out about afterwards which has definitely lessened the stress. I do hope you contact SS. I do feel for you Countrygirl as I do for MrsRussell and Hairbrush and Minty and Knot and in fact myself and my husband and - it can feel so relentless can it not.

However a minor glint in an increasingly muddy pool last week when interest in having the internet was expressed. I got told in no uncertains to back off when I started to put this in place years ago, so this is quite interesting.

countrygirl while you are there, check that DB is on speed dial on the phone. I know there's a perception that elder care is the daughter's job but that's a hangover from ye olden dayes when the daughter didn't have a job and maybe did have help in the house.

I think you're right to consider social services, it sounds as if they are at the stage where your father's needs can't be reliably met by your mum and it might be that her lack of comprehension is putting him at risk. You could maybe frame it as that you and DB don't know what to do and you think you need some professional advice. It's arguable whether your mum can send them away, she may not have the capacity to act in her best interests but she shouldn't be able to decline for your dad.

At 7.05 this morning I was in Sainsbury's when I got a call to say dad had fallen again and the ambulance hadn't arrived and she had phoned hours ago. Knowing mum's current capacity for judging the passage of time that could be anything over 20 minutes. Had she phoned DB who lives 5 minutes away? No, apparently she hasn't got his number! Despite him regularly being on call. So managed to rouse DB who went round to be told it's none of his business. Ambulance arrived at ghd ssme time as yhem. Dad has been checked over and left in bed. Mum was ranting that she is "sick of your father not doing anything around the house". A few weeks ago I had to stop him trying to empty the pond and sort out the pump! He's 94, partially sighted with arthritis, osteoporosis, dodgy kidneys and a weak heart. Going up this morning. I'm not letting her know or she will be on her best behaviour and I want to get picture of what's really going on. Can feel a call to social services coming on. They have enough money to outsource the chores but will neither do it nor let one of us sort it.

I was planning to go up tomorrow but I will go up this morning instead. God knows where we go from here. DB said Thursday she couldn't understand why he couldn't go to Tesco with her.

Oh @countrygirl99 I really feel for you.

My mum was not great with my dad during the last 18 months and particularly the last 6, and that's without Alzheimers, although I do suspect some element of cognitive decline.

She was the same...fussing one minute, getting frustrated with him the next, in denial about his prognosis and totally lacking in patience with some of the nitty gritty of caring.

I'd get round at 9.45 in the morning to find that he'd been asleep when she'd gotten up at 8am, so she'd just left him and got on with housework etc. The carers would be due and he'd not have had a drink, breakfast or meds.

She was reluctant to give him regular pain relief and would wait until he was really struggling because she didn't want to keep 'doping him with tablets'.

If he soiled the bed she couldn't cope at all...idget calls at all hours to sort him out and she'd be moaning about the mess and smell in front of him whilst I did all the cleaning up.

How often are the carers coming in?

I made a mistake. I thought things were going OK. DPs didn't turn away the carers this time. I've spoken to dad on the phone and he is clearly still very week but mum still appeared to be in her clucky phase before she gets annoyed that he can't do stuff. Then this evening dad phoned to say mum had stormed out and he was stuck on the floor. Got hold of DB who lives close to.tgrm and he snd SIL went round. Mum was raging up and down the street insisting dad had locked her out - he can barely get up without help. She wouldn't let DB in and was raging that dad hadn't shown suitable appreciation for carefully microwaved ready meal. Mum's alzheimers means she has no real comprehension of dad's condition and now I'm really worried. Dad has phoned again to say it's all OK now but that's just until the next time.

Not good spa. My mother went through a spate of phoning for the ambulance at night. Nothing wrong with her she was just stressed. All sorts of tests done in A and E, nothing wrong. Of course we ended up driving to her in the middle of the night and passing an ambulance which turned out to be her. It's exhausting for the rest of the day. Not helped by everyone telling her she made the right decision as she felt unwell. The last time she phoned an ambulance they made her a cup of tea and calmed her down. I was at the hospital though waiting for the ambulance that time. Are you up for a talk with your dad over where you go from here? Will he listen? If he says he can cope, well why is he phoning you? That's not coping. As an adult if I was iil I would phone the ambulance and not my sons. He either needs to start coping or realise he's not coping. Can't have both. My mum still thinks she was right. No real understanding of how bad it is being called out in the middle of the night. I would perhaps phone adult social services and ask for advice. Cleaning up poo would be a one off for me, never to be repeated. Especially if I was being told how to do the cleaning up. Not on.

@MereDintofPandiculation very good point about putting stuff in writing and I am going to do this in the future.

Sympathy please as my dad pushed his emergency buzzer at 1:30am claiming he was bleeding. It was on his bed sheets. I got there before the ambulance and it was poo but he refused to cancel the ambulance and refused to believe me. I had to clean him up, a new low, but then he explained how I was doing it wrong and decided to show me how to do it properly so he could do it himself!
Ambulance people talked to him and reassured him and left.
He was still insisting it was blood but refused to smell the sheet I had removed. 3am now and then said there was no point in going back to bed. I left him to it at this point but it took ages to get back to sleep at home.
I do feel good that I left him to it and didn't stay to try to placate him more as I would have done in the past. I'm trying to step back a bit more after he hated the care home trial and refuses to consider another under any circumstances. Thanks for listening.

Hairbrush book your hotel and go. This is the point, this is your life and it is separate from your mother's. Her needs do not trump your son's or yours. If they are going to transfer her to a care home you don't have to be there for that. Right just now it's all someone else's problem, you are used to being in control and everything being in your hands so it probably feels strange. It's not your job to soothe her and manage her emotions, I know you think it is but it really isn't. If she throws a strop then that's her choice but maybe the tv will work and the food will be better. You are not responsible for how she behaves, what she says. She is her own person. You are not the buffer between her and the world. Did I say the same thing in different ways enough times there?

Tell them (in writing) that you will be away from - until for a long standing commitment and that due to the nature of it, there will be long stretches where your phone will be off. SS staff keep getting huffy because SIL works in a school and cannot be contacted until the end of the day. Tough, that's just how it is.

I think they have periodic meetings where the various disciplines get together and decide what's happening with each case. Nothing will happen until the group mind decides that it will.

I think that many of these professionals take the easy way out, if the patient sells them a believable picture, they go with it. After DM had her stroke I had to get very robust in explaining to anyone and everyone that no, I was not a good daughter, and no, I wasn't going to be doing the things that they had lined up for me.

I soooo want to be able to go away. But I've got today off work to try and blitz my garden and do some life admin stuff.

My Neuro appointment is scheduled for the end of Sept. In the meantime I have been eating and drinking and not going out anywhere for fear of falling. At this rate it will take a hoist to get me back up again.

I told the physio that she will put on a particular persona with a bright smile and say "we can manage" but we definitely can't! I am not prepared to have her home unless she is independent over night.

They are going to send OT to assess her home before she comes back which is a relief but it looks as though she will be going into a home until they can sort out the care package. I am dreading her finding out.

What I find so frustrating is that no one can give me any sort of time line - even though I am telling them that we are going away. It's not their problem. All I want is three nights in a Travel Lodge! (via Hay on Wye for the books, a couple of meals with my son and daughter in law and to see him graduate!)

Hairbrush it is probably the case that the picture they are getting from your mother is a different one to the reality that you see. If she wants to get out she may gloss over any inconvenient issues because Hairbrush can deal with that. You have been on call 24/7 but it's not sustainable and it wasn't working either.

Would they like a home visit to assess her living situation before discharge?

I need to rant!!!! I talked to mum on the phone yesterday. She told me that the Physio was really pleased with her and that she would be ringing me. And also that the care package would take a while. And that she is now walking without a frame??? When I pushed her on the most important issue - how does she cope overnight - can she get in and out of bed without any help at all - she couldn't answer and got cross.

This morning the Physio phoned and said that mum was doing really well. They have pretty much done all they can. Then she said "Mum lives with you doesn't she?" The truth is although we live as one household physically it is more like she lives next door. To get to her I have to go outside and down the drive and back up to her door. The Physio have not assessed whether she can be independent over night which is the biggest issue we have. She has had a couple of accidents over night and when assessed by OT in hospital could not consistently transfer from the bed to the chair AND BACK AGAIN!!! The physio didn't know that was even an issue. I could cry. I have said we can not cope if she is not independent over night. I don't know how much clearer I can make it.

Wrote a long post then lost it.
nota that’s rubbish. She doesn’t deserve you. How are you? Any progress with doc?
@spababe welcome. Plenty of room.
Hope everyone is doing ok.

Welcome Spababe to the bad daughter's bench. Always room for one more!

I'm still having to visit DM daily at the moment to dress her wound. I do little else other than work, and all I get is criticism from her. What I say, what I don't say, my weight, why I throw out rotten food, how I put the bin out, etc.

Hello, I'm new. Another bad daughter here so can I join you please?

@MrsSchadenfreude I used to get ridiculous comments from my Mum about teenage misdemeanors. In the end, I cracked and told her all the things I had never done eg drugs, got pregnant at 14, etc. She laid off for a while after that.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere - quite right. We can't fix everything and thank you for pointing that out.

Thanks Minty.

I'm sort of in two minds tbh. I haven't spoken to her in person since Saturday: she was definitely alive on Tuesday (...sort of joking) as she spoke to her key worker on Tuesday night, and was making calls at gone midnight on Monday. She's been receiving daily phone calls from her key workers as normal, so I don't see any reason to believe that she's not all right except that she isn't ringing me and she isn't dialling out.

There is an extent to which she plays this game - the way it's played out before is that she'll just ignore phone calls to make me come running down to check on her, and there she is lying on the bed drunk as a skunk and I'm obliged to get involved in sorting her out. And I'm thinking I can't have it all ways, I can't say I'm no contact and then start involving myself in the bits that suit, but then on the other hand....

Police won't undertake a welfare check (we've had this conversation with them before)
She has a friend who lives next door and she lives in a block of flats with a shared area, and looking at her phone records - because I do care about her, I'm just buggered if I'm going to get sucked into her alcoholic dramas - she's had calls from the GP, daily from her key workers, from the hospital to remind her of an upcoming appointment and they're not ringing persistently, the pattern of calls is as if she's picking them up.

I'm not being unreasonable, am I, to think that if she wasn't OK someone (else) would have noticed by now?

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere when was your mum transferred to rehab? I remember when my dad went after spending a month in hospital we expected him to be in his element...private room, TV, physio, people to socialise with at mealtimes etc.

He was absolutely exhausted from the move the first couple of days and generally quite down about the place in general. The room was lovely but the staff didn't respond very quickly if he needed anything (including help to the loo), the food was hit and miss and no-one left their rooms. He had a lot less physio input than we were expecting too but came home after 3 weeks.

There's nothing much you can do apart from remind them that it won't be forever. Are you able to visit at all?

@countrygirl99 hope your dad has settled back at home OK and your mum is coping. She sounds very like mine...a massive ready meal and microwave enthusiast!

@MrsRussell sorry your mum is still being difficult. Sounds like you have good boundaries though. I can relate to the boy who cried wolf aspect as my mum used to play on her health that way.Touch wood she's long since realised that doesn't fly with me.

Hope everyone else is plodding on OK.

I feel like I've started to get my mojo back a bit this week. Spent Monday at mums helping clear the loft so didn't go round Tuesday or Wednesday !

Am slowly starting to get things sorted at home after a year of neglect. Can't face doing a whole room at a time so have ditched that idea and just been doing 2 or 3 jobs a day as and when I feel like it.

So far I've installed a wall mounted magnetic spice rack in the kitchen; finally hung my gallery wall in my dining 'room'; had a wardrobe clearout and got rid of the bulk of the crap in the spare room and out the extraneous bits in the loft.

Nice to finally feel like I'm achieving something.