Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

Knotaknitter the not wanting responsibility is my experience too with DF. More specifically needing a fall guy for if things go wrong. When he moved nearer to us I was very careful to step back and make final decisions his (even if I basically prepared and presented shortlists). There was an issue with final meter readings, refund made, then told that was in error & was billed again. I left him to do it so he could've made a mistake but he will never ever admit that. It's my fault that I didn't check, yep I'll do the nearly 100 mile round trip to read a meter that you've been checking for the last 40 years. My DH paid it in the end for the sake of my sanity.
Lately it was my fault that DF has food poisoning. He had food poisoning from a ready meal that I bought 9 days previously. He knew it was out of date, that it looked funny and smelled funny but still chose to eat it. But it's my fault because I made the purchase. Haven't done any food shopping since then.

@MintyCedric and that's your whole day gone. That's what the critics don't see.
Took my Mum for a routine appt on the day I was supposed to be going to Gatwick to fly out the following day. They decided to keep her in, so I had to tell the rest of the family to go to Gatwick whilst I took Dad home, picked up her overnight stuff and meds, and dropped it all back at the hospital before heading away. My Mum cried and asked me to stay with her until she was transferred to the ward which was just impossible. The staff asked me where I was going and for how long and I made it quite clear I was still going or 5 people's holidays would be ruined. When I mentioned the meds, everyone just looked at me and it was quite clear I was expected to go to her house and get them before setting off. I got to Gatwick at 10pm. Hardly a relaxing start to a holiday and what a bitch of a daughter for going in the first place.

@spababe I actually cried with relief when they took her for the procedure and gave me my marching orders which I think they misinterpreted and took pity on me.

Went to a friends on the way home for emergency coffee and venting session. Just about to have lunch and then round to at 3pm when I pick her up and have to get her downstairs in the lift in a wheelchair (she's claustrophobic).

I'm hoping they've given her enough meds to stop her having a full on meltdown. For once she was desperate for them to sedate her instead of kicking up about 'not being in control'.

I'm staying over tonight and very much hoping to tuck her up in bed and do my own thing.

Spababe I've been through it with mum. I think hers were memories, she couldn't place them as being in the past (dementia) so she thought they'd just happened. It was real to her, she was incredibly detailed recounting what her sister had said when she visited that I believed her. I asked what sister was wearing and how old she looked and that was where it all fell apart and she realised for herself that her sister was fifty years younger than she should be. The absolute worst time was just after she'd had a nap when she couldn't distinguish between memories, dreams and reality.

As always, answers fall in two camps, those who are living through it and understand only too well and those who think they know what it would be like.

MIL doesn't want the responsibility of choosing something for the house. If someone else does it for her then they are the point of contact forever. TV not working? Ring up and complain that "that tv you bought for me" isn't working, don't take the five seconds to see if you unplugged it when vacuuming. I declined to assist in the choosing of a new freezer, new tv, new curtains, new vaccuum - I said I'd take her to the shop, wait while she chose it and carry it in and install it but I wasn't choosing it or providing an aftercare service because it's not mine. If it didn't have the features she wanted/was the wrong shade of pink/needed the batteries changing that would be nothing to do with me. She didn't make her own choices, she switched to another family member and the aftercare is now their problem.

@MintyCedric Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. I've been the unfeeling daughter bitch at the hospital as well. I expect the staff have forgotten me now. They only see a snapshot and not the whole picture.

My dad phoned at 10:30pm last night. He goes to bed around 8:30pm so he'd been asleep a couple of hours. Very confused and had been hallucinating about me being in the house but a younger me. Managed to calm him down and told him to go back to bed. Anyone got experiences of hallucinations and what causes them?
He's also been hearing singing for about a year but after I recorded the general noise on my phone and played it back to him, he realised it was only him that could hear the singing so he's not mentioned it again although I know he hears it.

Most people wouldn't manage more than a couple of hundred yards before reality hit them, let alone a mile.

I think people have to walk a mile in our shoes before they have the right to judge us.

Also - it is a filter through which generations of conditioning is passed. My DB is never judged by anyone for only bowling up on occasion and not really contributing towards lessening the long list of tasks. That's daughter's duties.

I'm sure any random strangers seeing me with mum atm think I'm an unfeeling bitch...they see elderly person and unless theyve been through it they just think 'awww poor sweet old lady...isn't her daughter a cow getting frustrated with her'

Just read that thread Minty I don't think you came across as losing your rag. Unfortunately it is one of those MN situations where people can be glib without actually understanding or empathising. It's why I don't really try and engage on those sorts of threads.

Anyone seen this thread...I may have lost my rag slightly on it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4293959-Anyone-else-feel-like-their-own-parents-now-want-parenting

Currently at the hospital with mum who's awaiting an angiogram/plasty. She's sobbing and waxing emotional to all the staff about her recent widowhood...and in between them popping in and out messaging 'L'.

I am so upset and angry with her right now I don't actually know how I'm staying in the room.

I so value this space to be able to vent and read what others are going though. The stuff about threatening suicide being so prevalent is so bloody sad.

When DM was in hospital following her stroke the medical team put her on ADs, which had the very very strange and extremely unwelcome side effect of making her want to talk about sex all the time. Specially whether my DS at 16 has been inducted into the wicked ways of women yet FFS.

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Yes, DM said that they would go to the beach and walk into the water rather than go into a home. She forgets they would need me to drive them to the coast……and with their mobility would need to choose a beach with good parking and easy access to the water. Knowing them they would forget their blue badges.

FIL is one for threatening to kill himself. DH just points out that meas MIL will have to go into a home which FIL is desperate to avoid.

When she first went into hospital she said "If you put me in a home I will die!"

Today she was saying "None of our family has ever gone into a home. But here I am being shoved into one against my will."

She has always, always dismissed my contribution to her care. "I get by with a little bit of help!" But that "little bit of help" over the past 8 years has wrecked me emotionally and mentally and left me exhausted physically as well. I am trying to explain to her that the professionals are saying that she needs more help than she was getting from me but she can't/won't see it. As far as I know the plan is still for her to come home with 4 care visits a day but I don't know if she is able to take herself to the toilet/commode and back.

I am also afraid that with her mental decline she will be more demanding than she has been in the past.

Has anyone got a link for red bags? There are so many different makes out there and I want ones that won't wreck my washing machine.

My MIL - If I can't come and stay at yours , I'll kill myself, If I get told to isolate and can't go out , I'll kill myself. If I have another winter like last year , I'll kill myself.
My reply
Oh dear , moves on.

@OnthePiste yep, the suicide threats are not uncommon here either. The other day she was actually sitting at her desk playing with a knife.

I said to stop it or shed cut herself and she replied that that was the aim, so I immediately said I would have to call 999 and ask someone to take her in for an emergency psychiatric assessment...needless to say the knife went rapidly back in the kitchen drawer.

The other regular feature is when I say 'Bye, see you later' I get a doleful look and a 'I hope so' or 'well, maybe...who knows?'

I realise I sound deeply unsympathetic but none of her many health problems are imminently life threatening and she's terrified of death so the likelihood of her topping herself is pretty remote.

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere you have my sympathies, when DM was in respite care she was so sad and unhappy, it broke my heart. I used to dread going to see her as she was so down and depressed. We did get her home with carers and so far she is just about coping, for how long I do not know.

Her latest thing is threatening to kill herself. Does anyone else's parent do this? It is so unlike her, she has never been one for hysteria but Wednesday it was over ready meals, killing herself if she ever had to eat another one and today when talking about care homes (she brought the subject up) she said that when the time came, she would just kill herself instead. All very upsetting although I know she doesn't mean it. She has also taken to criticising pretty much everyone including carers, friends, family, the gardener, nothing is right. I try to jolly her along but sometimes I snap back at her that then makes me feel guilty!
@countrygirl99 I do hope things improve for you-sounds very difficult.

The introduction of a red bag system for soiled washing made my DM so furious with me... that she hasn't actually had an accident since!

I think the reason she criticises everything I do is that I am fairly grey rock with her - I don't tell her anything about me or my family that she can either use against me or gossip about. So it only leaves things I do when I am there for her to pick up on, like have I actually washed my hands before treating her wound? No doubt she tells anyone and everyone that she has to remind me to do so (Not only have I washed them, but I'm also wearing surgical gloves in case you wondered).

@Knotaknitter red bag is news to me! Had to google after reading your post to find out about this. Thanks x

Ah, I was thinking when you said you'd ring her every day so she knew you were thinking of her.
It's a bit rotten all round. Have a most unMumsnetty hug.

Ah @MrsRussell as if it was ever as simple as ringing her every day! I would have between 10 and 15 calls from her for all sorts of reasons, mostly needing me to go and see to something but when I was away I was expected to phone twice a day, at least.

Although when I am with her I talk the talk about her coming home I can see that even with four care visits a day she will need even more support than I have been giving her.

Mine is still drinking, but we seem to have come to a compromise where she drinks after she's done her day's chores. Which I said I have no issue with. Hairbrush a thought, but did you always ring your mum every day? If you didn't, will it not make her more upset if you start now - thinking it might remind her of the "old" normal?

I've always talked to mine every day. (She'd decided we'd gone on holiday this time.) She actually wants to go into a home: I think it will be good for her. It's just getting the right one.