Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

I second the admiration of the new decor Binary. It's become a space that I really need and value to get me through. I may not always respond to other posters or be particularly coherent when I do post, but I check in at least once a day and it always gives me food for thought.

Maybe we need to add a rack of comfy slippers though, for when our feet get tired of walking miles in our own shoes?

Exexpat I understand your feelings of relief about your DF. I really hope you get your DM to move to sheltered accommodation, it sounds ideal. I realise I spent too much time waiting for mine to make decisions she was ambivalent about until I’d just had enough at which point I replied ‘I can’t solve that, you need outside help’ to every problem caused by her living alone until she absorbed the message.

Well done Knot. I am imagining you practising your ‘No!’ Travis-Bickle style in a mirror.

Hairbrush your DM may never tell you she’s happy with anything you arrange. Her response is not your fault or your responsibility to fix. You are doing a great deal for her. You have reached the end of what you can do for her and maintain your own (and your family’s) health and wellbeing. It’s absolutely right for you to stop and to make it crystal clear to everyone involved in her care that there needs to be a new arrangement.

Mrs S your DM is very lucky you are prepared to put up with that, very lucky indeed. As Dint says, you now have a handy visit-length guide.

Mrs R You are not responsible for your DM’s chaos and you are right not to be manipulated. If your DM gets drunk and injures herself or passes out, it is entirely her doing and I deeply disapprove of her essentially threatening you with this. If she thinks she needs a care home, that sounds positive.

nota I hope things go well and you’re taking care of your own self first. It’s sad your DM speaks to you like that.

Piste my DM threatened to kill herself regularly. In fact I had a distressed call from a young carer who she’d said this to at one point. I pointed out that DM hadn’t the means and not to worry. When DM said it to me I always reacted as if she’d made a little joke. She stopped saying it.

I’ve just come back from an extensive visit to where DM is in her new care home. I am beyond relieved she’s there and have support from all involved that she stays there. There’s a load of new admin to do but that’s fine. Although I know what you mean about the trousers Dint - it’s shoes and slippers with me. Hotters here I come.

I'm liking the new decor in here.

Attendance allowance not DLA. I think of the right one and then use the initials for the other.

Hairbrush It's not that you don't want her home but that you are recognising that you can't meet her needs as they are now. Do you remember how you felt when she had fallen and you couldn't move her? Hold on to that memory, horrible though it is because that's what the future would hold.

Does she get the higher rate of DLA - someone will correct me if I'm wrong but I think needing supervision during the night triggers that.

If you think back to the time when she first moved in with you, how much mobility has she lost since then? It may have worked at that point and was suitable for her then but we all have stories of parents clinging on to their home well past the point where it was a good fit for their needs. If it's no longer suitable for her then no amount of your intervention is going to make it safe.

I would like mum to be back home, messing around in the kitchen and the garden but that person I remember doesn't exist now. Since she fell mum is a different person and she's not safe on her own. If she was back at home she wouldn't be in the kitchen and the garden as I remember her and no amount of wishing will make the past come back.

Hairbrush - enough now. You've reached a crossroads. If your mum goes to a care home from where she is now the transition will be so much easier. Imagine if she comes home, gets settled and it's too much for you. It would be so much harder for you both for her to leave her home. You've done good.

Oh hairbrush that sounds so hard, but you can’t do that. The blurring of identity sounds v strange and perhaps highlights that she sees you as her and why wouldn’t you do what she needs?
But the situation is completely impossible. It isn’t safe for you and her for her to move back. Please talk to your counsellor and sort your thinking.
You deserve your life, to be a daughter not carer. You and your family deserve more.
We are behind you.
minty echo pp…… your dm doesn’t deserve you. Put things in place and step back.
Imagining sounds….. dm has for years claimed her neighbours play music that only she can hear. Auditory hallucinations are a thing, apparently, worsened by stress. She won’t believe it isn’t real

She has done everything she can for me and my children...

And you have done everything you can for her...now it's time for both of you to go down a different path.

Probably much easier for her to go from hospital to care home while she has some capacity and can settle and gain reassurance for you, than to have her back and then have to move her in 6 months time.

Hairbrush you know me (ish) I am a stern old bastard and I take no sh*t from my DM, so this is my take.

There will come a point where you cannot provide the care she needs: where it must needs go beyond your capacity, and your competence. It's not about what anybody wants, it's about both your, and your mum's, clinical needs. She is approaching a point where you are not able to meet those needs. To say it's more than you can manage is not saying you don't want her home: it's about making sure she's taken care of properly.

You only have one pair of hands. If you take on any more than one pair of hands can hold, you're going to start dropping things. That's not all right for either of you - any of you.

You do what is needful to take care of all of you, lovely.

I have told the hospital I don't think I can cope with her coming home. She is unable to move in and out of bed by herself. She goes to the toilet a couple of times in the night. I can not imagine having to get up twice in the night to go out to her. I feel split in two. One half of me wants her to be home and happy. One half wants to be able to sleep all night in my own bed without having to get up and dressed and go outside twice in the night - more exhausting than having a baby.

The other thing that is very strange is that she honestly seems to have lost track of where she stops and I start! When she went into rehab she told me that someone had asked her what she did before she was married. She told them she was a PA - that was my job! She was a GPO telephonist. Apparently she is now telling people she has five children. She doesn't. She only has me. I have five children.

I have realised that even if she was capable of being alone overnight she will be far more dependent/needy than she has ever been.

I feel so guilty for even suggesting that I don't want her home. She has done everything she can for me and my children but I don't think I can cope. What should I do?

She's been going on about L since last night...'I don't know what your problem is...he's such a nice man' etc.

The agency has just been on the phone, checking to see if she's happy with the service and she's confirmed that she will need him tomorrow as 'my daughter's here at the moment, just for a few hours, but she's going soon and I'll be on my own again...'

Not only have I been at her beck and call since 7am yesterday, she's got friends coming round this afternoon.

Aaaaarggghhh!!!

@MintyCedric 💐

I remember saying on a past thread that I wasnt sure your relationship with your mother would survive after your dad died because of her behaviour. I'm so sorry x

Put you and your dd first. Step back. For your own sanity.

What has the charity said re: L?

My situation would honestly be easier without siblings. I do everything anyway. They both take advantage of mum. I always know when my sister is after money as she suddenly starts visiting more often!

Fundamentally, mum has capacity and so can make her own decisions (even if they damage her health/bank balance/mental health).

My epiphany is that unless it negatively impacts me or my family I just smile and nod. I give my opinion if asked (which she usually ignores) but one can only advise.

Oh blimey!

No, I'm well aware that siblings aren't the holy grail and often quite relieved that it's one less things to navigate.

Well I was en route to the hospital at 2.40 and mum was giving me instructions by test...nowhere to park, until an attendant stepped in and allocated me an overflow space.

Took a wheelchair upstairs and had a predicatble meltdown about her going down in the lift as she claustrophobic. A nurse came out of a lift whilst we were having a 'heated debate' about the fact she'd had heavy sedation and it was too risky to tackle 4 flights of stairs and offered to take us down in the staff lift, bless her.

Reasonably peaceful once back at home...then she started going on about L again. She reckons if I can't accept him it will damage our relationship.

I told her if she couldn't respect my wishes and stop going on about him to me there wouldn't be a relationship to damage.

@gonow That will resonate with so many on here. 18 v 30 is quite a thought. I’m at 21 v 20 and am worn out.

I hear you @knotaknitter!
1 x 2 minute phone call each day and the sun shines out of his arse.
Mum has recently bought my (45 year old married) brother the following;
Foot fungal treatment
Hay-fever meds
Deodorant
Because he can't be expected to go the chemist himself!
I simply smile and nod these days...

During the three week hospital stay when I was visiting M-F and did daily laundry I found out that her beloved brother who makes the sun rise each day lives within sight of the hospital. It might be all of a 15 minute walk. For me it's a 40 minute drive one way if I miss rush hour. Brother managed to visit once because he had to go to his seaside home to sort out the boiler. You'd think the holiday home was in Sydney but no, it's all of 90 minutes away so doesn't call for a three week absence. What irritates me is that he's the reason she won't move to closer to her daughter where she could actually get some real support. I think she knows she won't see him if she moves because Mr Excuses doesn't visit now when he's only half an hour up the road.

The dynamic has changed somewhat now...
My sister left her that of a h and after some time is working again.
My brother is still useless.
Mum moved and seems happy but I'm doing voluntary work ATM so I think my siblings assume I have nothing to do...
My sister sees mum for 30-60 mins once a week.
My brother phones her every day.
They both live closer to her than I do...

Well I'm one of three and you wouldn't know it!
The last 3 times mum has been admitted it's all been on me.
She was in for 6 days on one of those admissions....
At the time I was working pt, my sister wasnt working and my was brother working shifts (earlies so he finishes at 2.30pm)
I had booked cinema tickets for me and ds1 for a long awaited film and I had to phone my brother to ask him to visit once
He was not happy 🤬
My sister went on a 4 day break in that time too. Local so she could have visited.
Instead she spent 4 days with her abusive ex and his vile family.
It was me that got her to the emergency Dr, me that took her into hospital and me that did every visit except one in those 6 days.
Siings do not necessarily mean help/sharing of load 😒

Minty while I've been keeping up with mum's garden I was caught by a daughter of a neighbour. All I've heard for years is how wonderful the neighbour's children are, they do this, they do that, she spends nights with them. My standard reply is that mum should have thought about this when she stopped at one child, there are four daughters who all live locally and a granddaughter. I have heard the story from the other side now, their mother plays them off one against the other, after years of care some of them think it's time that mum/granny should think about moving and are now shockingly booking holidays without any thought for the impact this will have on the rota. I left being glad that there is only me. (Apologies if I've told this before)

My lowest week was driving to MILs to collect the very specific list of items she needed in hospital, driving to mum's and doing my stint there, driving to see MIL in the next town, failing totally to find somewhere to park, visiting MIL and returning home with a load of soiled laundry and another list of things that needed to be collected from her house. Looking back I wonder why I just didn't say that I was only going to be visiting once a week but that was at the time when I still thought I could it all. Then I was prepared to sacrifice my life for everyone else's and now I can say no to things.

@notaflyingmonkey there was a family like that when my dad was in after his fall...dad have a new hip replacement after falling and breaking the existing one...mum, two sons and two daughters.

They were tag teaming the whole time so there was at least one of them with each parent, often two.

I remember one day I got to work at 7.30 to enable me take an hour for lunch so I could go and feed dad his meal, went back, ate a crappy sandwich from the hospital cafe at my desk, finished at 4.30, went back, fed dad his dinner, waited to speak to the doctor on duty and eventually left at 8.15pm. Every time I went they were there, making arrangements for their mum together helping their dad with his physio...

I just about made it to the lift before completely breaking down.

It's interesting hearing what's been said about hallucinations. Mum is convinced she has heard me call her, convinced that someone has knocked on her door, convinced that she has slept all night when it is only midnight.

I have dismissed it all as just her being elderly but I'm beginning to realise that it is all part of her mental decline.

I've just spoken to her on the phone. She is very down and very tired. She is so confused. She wanted to phone my uncle so I told her to call the nurse and she would help her but she didn't know how to do that. So sad for her.

Hello all. I read that thread Minty. People have no idea until they are living it. Yes my mum brought me up, but I was off her hands at 18. I've been looking after her for 30 years plus now!! We looked at some photos of her holidays past the other day. She's been to Australia, all over Europe, USA, New Zealand. She had a lovely life and certainly didn't think of her parents while she was living it.. however I mention that I've finally renewed my long expired passport so we could book a holiday perhaps next year and get a face pulled. Makes me so cross.

Take gin Minty.

I once had to take DM from a 8am blood test at the GP, to hospital where they kept her in. I dashed home, got her overnight things, went back to the hospital to drop them on the ward and told the staff I was going home to work so that I only had to take the morning as leave. When I got there in the evening they said she'd been asking for me, and where on earth had I been? The woman in the bed opposite had three middle aged (I assume daughters) all sat with her the whole time, all four happily chatting. I sat looking at them for the visiting hour in the evening (while DM slept next to me) wondering if I was the only daughter with a full time job. I'm the sort of person who would be suggesting we divvy it up so that we each take a day so that I get get on with all the other stuff that is piling up, like work, feeding the kids, etc.

@spababe I hope it was long and relaxing holiday.

I'm already worrying about whether I'll actually manage mine next year...God only knows what might go south in the meantime.

She's going to be ready at 2.45pm so that'll be me until probably late tomorrow afternoon as she needs someone with her for 24 hours.