Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

Got a call from another elderly relative and they're putting me down as the A in PoA.

Confess my mouth said, "thanks for letting me know", my brain said, PoA for four people, please God let them all not get ill at once and I prayed vigorously for merciful aneurysms (not now obvs!! but when the Grim Reaper decides to come & collect).

Did I mention that they all live at least an hour away. In three different directions.

This latest PoA is joint and several with rellie's actual DC, but there's a slight possibility they (DC) might be spending a bit of time abroad, so it's not unreasonable to have me down too.

This relative is very level headed, it's two of the others who are independent to a fault and of late have been saying things like "I don't want to go into a home!!!" when... nobody mentioned going into a home? So where is that coming from? But they're too worked up to have a sensible conversation to find out... I mean I get that they're frail and ill and stressed and you have to cut them a bit of slack. Guess I was just spoiled by my late Mum who did actually trust me implicitly.

I'm being very ungrateful 😎 as I'd have to do the same, regardless of whether or not PoA is in place, so bloody good thing it is really!

Hairbrush when your DM says ‘You know I’ve always said I didn’t want to go into a home!’ the subtext of that is ‘I’ve decided you will always wear yourself out ensuring I don’t, no matter how incapable I am of looking after myself.’ It is a real denial of reality for elderly parents to ‘decide’ this and to manufacture in their heads a fictional adult daughter who should scoop up all elderlies and cocoon them in an idyllic, timeless family home until the rose-tinted end of their days.

Dint I’m sorry your DF has had a very down day. I don’t think you can make things better for him except to carry on being his smashing daughter and do what you already do so attentively. Moods do change and I hope his lifts soon.

Minty that L stuff sounds like a nightmare and I hope you can just float above it. I don’t think you can be responsible for her social life, I spent way too much time planning possible social contacts and outings for DM from miles away – the websites and phone numbers I collected, the lists I made, the people I schmoozed … waste of time, she wanted some intangible thing that couldn’t be provided by me.

@MrsRussell what a pita...hope your mum's antics don't interfere with your weekend too much.

@Knotaknitter mum doesn't really have hobbies as such, certainly no groups. She likes faffing on the Internet, a bit of light DIY and gardening, pottering in the shops and watching the Challenge channel.

She is friends with a couple who have been visiting her once a week since the funeral. Her best friend isn't local - she calls about 3x a week and said she'd come down but hasn't managed it yet. Another friend is quite tied up with her religious commitments and has an adult grandchild living with her, and her other local friend is the one she fell out with after the funeral.

She's on friendly terms with a few neighbours but doesn't really socialise with them.

We've talked about her joining some groups when they reopen...the local community centre has a Scrabble club, a diabetes group, and Cruse befriending sessions (which her neighbour met a new through after losing her husband). She also looked at the Age UK visiting scheme.

It's getting her to do anything about it that's the issue.

That must have been so harddint as others have said, is there a trigger for this? 🌺🌺
minty just what you don’t need……. Protect yourself……
hairbrush how are you? Are you getting your break away

That's a bit scary Minty what charity, any idea? because I'd not want him working with any more vulnerable people.

She's just phoned me and told me she's in hospital. Usual batshit crazy withdrawing stuff. They're taking her in for emergency surgery because she's very ill. She says she's going to get the ambulancemen to ring me, which is unlikely to happen because there is no ambulance....

The very charitable way of looking at it is that he provided a distraction during a very difficult time for her. However, she's now in the next phase of her life where she plans for her future and thinks what she wants to do with the rest of her life. Relationships on the rebound rarely work out well.

Has she started back doing the things she used to do - meeting friends, lunch groups, reading groups, charity work?

@MrsRussell @Knotaknitter

The possibility that there might be to it is interesting. They agency he works for was taken over by another company last spring and he's said for some time that he doesn't enjoy working for them as much and is considering leaving.

But...when I was round early Tuesday morning, she had a call from.the agency asking how she was finding the service, and specifically him, was she happy, were there any issues etc.

She had them on speakerphone and it sounded completely routine to me, but she was suspicious and I'm not aware that they've done it before.

He's told her he's had a pension payout and is probably going to do charity work once he leaves.

Hmmm...

MrsRussell Personally I would be too tired to go around seeing as I'd been up all night because of her. I might have a headache the next day too.

Dint that's distressing for you. You'll dwell on it until the next visit whereas he might have forgotten about it before dinner time. I thought he was determined to have every medical intervention going so he could live as long as possible? Something must have happened for him to suddenly feel this way.

We had the birthday card hostage scenario every year, even when she had full mobility MIL wouldn't post a card, she rang up to tell you it was there. She couldn't accept that everyone responded that they'd pick it up the next time they were there rather than making time on their birthday to spend two hours with mum/granny. The idea that the day is all about the birthday person and not her - well she just doesn't get it. It's always been about her.

Minty My money would be on that there's been an internal investigation and he's been given the choice of resigning with some sort of a reference or going through their warning procedure. Officially there is no such choice but unofficially there is, it's less fuss all round. If your mother is painting him as the bad guy then that's good because if she can get angry over how he's treated her she's less likely to weep and pine.

I have filled up my mother's garden waste bin. concentrating on making it look good from the street. The gardener should be coming next week or the week after and after that I should be able to hold back the jungle.

What d'you think, Minty - did he jump, or was he pushed? Because I wonder if maybe your DM wasn't the only vulnerable person he was making up to?

I had a phone call from Lifeline at 2.18 this morning, asking me to ring mum's mobile urgently. She doesn't have an effing mobile. Followed by six calls, one after another, from the ambulance, and then she rang in her sad whiny voice at 7.30am saying the ambulance had just gone and she'd really like to see me today but she'll understand if I don't want to come.
I am absolutely raging. Yesterday she "found" a bottle of vodka in her wardrobe, finished it, went out to buy another one. Fell down drunk in the street and was brought back home by one of her neighbours, went out again, was refused alcohol in the shop and then is complaining that "she couldn't get up and it was all coming away from her" - ie incontinence.
But it doesn't stop her, oh no. And she wants me to go round to "sort out the money for her grandson's birthday present" - can anybody see a carrot waving at the end of a stick, here?

Awww I'm sorry about your dad dint...he always sound such a character. Has he given you any idea what's causing his dip in mood?

I wish my mum was easier to be around. I went for a coffee yesterday at a lovely riverside place in the countryside and was thinking ill spend a whole day with her, maybe on Monday and take her there for a bit of a treat, but she was so unpleasant this morning I've gone right off the idea.

I'd love to be able to do nice things with her like that without thinking there would be aggro at some point.

@Ilady

Mum thinks he is having a fling with another client 🙄.

We've just got back from the funeral directors, saw the woman who originally took all the details but didn't do the job on the day as mum wanted a man doing it...

She saw my t-shirt (Adulting...Difficult AF.../* would not recommend) whilst we were talking and mum was being her usual self and nodded at it and murmured that I'd chosen an appropriate one for today .

I knew I liked her when we first met...turned out we both used to go to the same karaoke bars back in the day!

Oh Minty,
I don't know how you put up with this whole L situation. At least now you know he is leaving his job. He told your mother this and has not been in contact with her since. What does she expect you to do about it?
Its good news that he is moving on. I feel he is doing this because he knows he has stepped over the line and he is going before his employer tells him to go.

Time for her to go somewhere for a short holiday?

Timbuktu on a one way ticket perhaps?

Oh dear Minty. This is where it could go either way, he never sees her again or there are now no restrictions on him seeing her. Time for her to go somewhere for a short holiday?

Hairbrush It might be worse before it gets better but it will get better. Today is 12 weeks from mum's fall, I saw her earlier this week and she was quite bouncy. I am not responsible for any part of her life now other than paying the bills and trying to get new clothes that fit her. It's a massive change from feeling that I was permanently on call but you do adjust. There was a lot of guilt that recovering my life came as a result of a huge change in hers but the thing is that it wasn't my choice or my actions that lead to this. It was the result of an accident. I didn't choose to put her into a home, she needed to be there because she wasn't capable of living in her own home any more. We were out of other choices, none of them worked.

It's not about what your mum wants, it's about what she needs. Accidents happen all the time and people have to live with the consequences. The one good thing is that this didn't happen a year ago, visiting restrictions are easing now and you might actually be able to look round care homes. Ours is opening the front door to visitors next week, no more walking round the back for me.

Oh minty🌺🌺🌺

And speaking of grieving...I have mum sobbing this morning...

Not because its 4 weeks today since dad's funeral...

Not because we're going to pick up the DVD of Saif funeral (I have no idea why she wantes one but she does)...

...but because L has told her he's handing in his notice and he hasn't messaged her since he told her on Wednesday

And she wonders why we're not close and I appear
to spend time with her under sufferance atm

hairbrush I know it is so hard. You have done so much but please listen to minty and her hard won wisdom.
Rally your support. Teflon the shoulders. And grieve for what you have lost.
🌺🌺🌺

Oh hairbrush...

I found it helped to think of it in terms of Dad being a bit like a toddler in terms of needs and helplessness.

You wouldn't leave a small child in scenario where it's needs weren't being met and it was at risk as it's no different from an elderly person.

My dad wanted to stay at home until the end, but my mum couldn't care for him properly, I couldn't be here 24/7, and the hospice had rejected the GP's referrals for him twice.

He was much better physically cared for in the last seven weeks and slipped away clean, pain free, and well cared for with calm nurse by his side reassuring him.

It's more than I could ever have given him at home with my mum present and for that I'm hugely grateful.

You have obviously done your best and so much more. You are still doing your best by ensuring she gets the care and support she needs.

Take care if yourself.

She has been told today that she will have to go into a home. I phoned her this evening and she was so upset. "You know that I have always said I didn't want to go into a home!" I just keep repeating that I love her and want what is best for her.

We have a meeting next week with the discharge nurse. My husband will be at work so I am taking my cousin with me. If my cousin was my sister she would be "the Golden Child". Everything I suggest has to be run past her. She has to be kept happy at all costs. Except that my cousin and I are entirely on the same page and she is nothing but supportive to me! Our thought is that mum will assume my cousin is on her side and maybe mum will be more accepting if my cousin says that she thinks mum needs more care.

Tonight I feel really sad. I miss my mum as she was and I am worried that our relationship will never recover. But nothing can convince me that she is safe to come home.

Once thing I would recommend though is when the time comes that she goes into full time care, do not tell her it is because you cannot cope. She will guilt trip you like you won't believe. Blame it on Social Services, the GP, hospital, anyone you like but make it quite clear it is out of your hands. So glad to hear all the family on board, you are definitely making the right decision. Sending love, I know this must be a difficult and upsetting time for you

While we're on the subject of slippers, can we have some big throws - maybe summer and winter weight - because I find them very handy to hide under!

I spent most of yesterday on the phone to various relations - mum's brother, her brother in law and sister in law, my kids and my cousin - telling them my decision and they are all 100% supportive. Now I need to be sure the authorities understand that she can not come back home!

She can be so lucid and articulate then suddenly she's a different person. I phoned her yesterday to give her some good news about my son (he got a First in his degree) and she was so excited. She knew his results were coming out yesterday and had been waiting for me to call her, wanted me to send him a present etc. But then she started talking about me coming to see her and how it would be lovely if she could see me again. I told her I would come and see her on Saturday (she is allowed a 30 min visit once a week). She was shocked that I could come "I didn't think I was allowed visitors". "When is Saturday?" (Guess that one is understandable!) and then "Where do I have to go to be sure I see you? I don't know where anything is!"

I feel I am starting to grieve for her and losing a piece of her every time I see her.

I like but £

Okay so they're not quite slippers but...