Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

Dint sounds like you were v aware if you moved him into the shade!
I wore a different top with less coverage on Sunday without thinking and now have bad sunburn in some spots - trying to sleep was like the Princess and the Pea, the slightest particle on the sheets felt like glass!

I’ve seen it in DM’s care home and now with my MIL, who is still resolutely causing mayhem for the carers and the family, that there’s an agitated state that some elderlies reach where they can’t acknowledge kindnesses.
So instead of ‘thank you for bringing me that fan, I may well need it later’ it’s ‘why’s that bloody fan here? I never asked for it. Get it out.’
Their world narrows so rapidly that there is no bandwidth to consider anyone else whatsoever. Even a FaceTime call with a grandchild is cut short as an annoyance.
It must be such a hideous life to be left with as there is absolutely nothing positive that can be done or given that prompts a smile or kind word.
It’s brutal to be on the receiving end of this negativity.

Nota I've had the recent transition from invisibly doing everything to doing nothing except gardening, clothes shopping and visiting. I expected overwhelming relief from the removal of responsibility but I didn't expect the guilt and the aimlessness. My life had been shaped around mum for so long that I couldn't remember what it looked like before that, I imagine it's like suddenly being retired. I now have one to do list rather than two and more time to do the things on it.

It would be bliss to pass her over to someone else.

I've thought the same and worse tbh.

I would love to have to have a good relationship with my mum, she had many good points when I was growing up and at her best can be a really good laugh, but I just can't see it happening now. The odd good day maybe but nothing consistent.

I've been thinking about what someone said on here recently about the refusal to go into a care home, essentially meaning the daughter picks up the slack to afford the parent the illusion of independence.

I know so many of you on here have it worse than me, but I went to DM's this evening, dressed her wound, did a few chores, and decided to cut the grass and change her bedding in the next couple of days. As I'm leaving to go home for my dinner she asks if someone could cut the grass. There is no someone - it's me. I'm tired of the endless cycle of stuff I need to do for her, while she moans at me. Again tonight telling me to wash my hands.

It would be bliss to pass her over to someone else. I think that, then I wonder if I would feel guilty?

@MereDintofPandiculation

You make some very good points...it will just rely on me being considerably more organised than I currently am!

I think my conscience will be fine with fish and chips on the front tomorrow AND an ice cream sundae later.

At an absolute minimum I should think....have a lovely time.

I just spoke to mum...she's obviously spent the after inventing all sorts of crazy scenarios in her head about what's going on with L. She's planning to call the agency tomorrow or go over in person.

In the meantime she hasn't eaten anything apart from chocolate rice cakes since lunchtime (she's diabetic) and is apparently thinking of going out for a drive.

I'd just got dinner in the oven when I received a summons from the hospital. Three and a half hours later, chest xray, brain scan, blood work and we're back out again. Mum was all prepared to go off on one about no-one having seen her while she's sitting there with a canula hanging out of her hand - she'd forgotten about that (and the x ray). I've dropped her back "home" so I can set off on my jolly tomorrow with a clear conscience.

I've thrown most of dinner in the bin, I've gone so long without eating that I couldn't face it so I think my conscience will be fine with fish and chips on the front tomorrow AND an ice cream sundae later.

Good news, one of the elderly rellies (the one who was worried about going into a home) has rung and seemed somewhat more receptive to my offer of help (staying with her for a few days while their OH has an op) - I suspect PoA donor #4 may have rung up for a chat and said some persuasive things. If so I am grateful!
I also discussed the merits of a couple of things which might help their life be a bit more normal & hopefully will work for them.
They are still waiting for (I think) an OT assessment followup after discharge from hospital - luckily they're not skint so could pay for useful stuff to be done anyway, but obvs the OTs may have extra ideas and more importantly will know who will do the work + not rip them off. I offered to ring and nag but they said they'd chase them again tomorrow. (Maybe the OT team has an isolation/much delayed hols storm?).

I may ring back tomorrow and check whether we're free to go away for a week early August - hopefully all the surgeons will be on hols then anyway!

(Deliberately not going into details as all the PoA donors can use t'internet).

Cockroach to all and grab those breaks in between the shoes dropping!

knot go and enjoy the glorious weather. Don’t look back.
Much sympathy minty and good advice from dint

DD (unemployed) has taken to going off in the car for hours on end to enjoy herself, can't blame her but I really need the car the get to DM's at a reasonable time (not least of all so that I can have a little bit of downtime for myself).

Having pretty much abandoned all hope of a holiday this year, I have booked a week in Glasgow. Random, but it was pretty much the only place left on AirBnB (possibly for a reason). I can't bloody wait!

Knot, enjoy your holiday.
Stand aside and let somebody else take the strain!

I had a call from the care home this morning, mum is on the floor and they've called for an ambulance as she's on blood thinners and they think she banged her head. Voice in the background declares loudly that no, she did not bang her head and won't someone help her up now. I'm glad that I can't go and see her in the hospital because after four hours on the floor waiting for an ambulance she's going to be mad as hell.

We are booked to go away for a night by the sea tomorrow and if it was just me I'd cancel. My son has been taking second place to mum for years, there's really nothing I can do other than wait by the phone so we're going. From the complaining in the background I think she's fine and the blood pressure/feeling ill is down to sitting on the floor for so long waiting for the ambulance.

Minty If you're not sleeping well because of the heat it could explain why you're out of sorts.

Oh blimey @exexpat!

My mum's teetotal..I should probably stop wishing that she'd have drink or three in the desperate belief that it might calm her the fuck down.

We didn't part on great terms...not awful but I told her in no uncertain terms that the situation with L is affecting not just her mental health and wellbeing, but having a knock on effect on mine, and if she doesn't sort it out ASAP, I will.

Hearttfelt sympathies, Minty - I have been trying to reclaim my life for a few years now, and keep making a bit of progress only for it to be clawed back by parents/children/pandemic etc. I had been looking forward to being a (relatively) carefree empty nester, but then Covid hit, and now DD (18, slightly fragile mental health) is back home for at least the next year. Luckily she is old and sensible enough that I can go off to visit DP (long distance relationship) and leave her here.

It's a month now since DF died; my mother took to her bed for a few days last week with a rather vague feeling of being unwell (nauseous, no appetite, I think she threw up once), but revived with a visit from my niece and brother-in-law. We wondered if the illness was related to possibly stopping drinking for a while. Anyway, she perked up and was eating again.

However, last night I got called out as she had fallen in the kitchen. Her falls always seem to be in the evenings, she has always been drinking (not enough to be drunk, but she's a frail disabled 84-year-old with extremely limited mobility - she doesn't need anything that will make her wobblier than she is already). There was a wine glass on the table and three empty bottles by the sink (probably from the last three or four days, not just one night, but still). She was not happy when I pointed this out to her. It took several hours, a couple of careline people and an ambulance call-out to sort her out last night. It has happened before, she has promised to stay off the wine, but it never lasts.

So...L has phoned since I've been here and let mum.know that he won't be in this Wednesday as he's signed off sick.

I called the agency as we hadn't heard from them, to enquire if they had a timescale for his illness as we will need to make alternative arrangements for mum if so.

Apparently as far as they knew he was still due back into work and supposed to be visiting mum on Wednesday.

She sitting here sobbing hysterically...it's clear from some of what she's said to me that she's been a bit delusional about their relationship and it sounds like he's taken advantage of that (in ways I'd really rather not think about).

When will it all fucking end? I just don't know what to do...she still doesn't want anyone 'making trouble for him'.

God I'm cheesed off today...it's not specifically mum but life in general although I suppose she's the trigger...just off round there to help clear some stuff out.

I'm just sick to death of having to live my life for other people. I have no time/brainspace for my hobby, am trying to sort the house out but doing it I'm dribs and drabs isn't working, DD is wonderful but her schedule is all over the place and she doesn't do overnights with her dad (I went on a date last week and realised over the weekend having a relationship, even of the casual variety, is a complete impossibility until she goes to uni).

And in 5 weeks and 3 days I'll be back at work, five full days a week, no flexibility, plus Sundays and Thursday evenings seeing mum (minimum) so I will have one day off a week to do anything for myself and that will no doubt comprise housework and sweet fa else.

And it's hot, and I'm perimenopausal with PMT and can't shift any bloody weight and I just needed a massive moan.

As you were ladies.

@Knotaknitter I know. I don’t have her neighbour’s number but I will certainly tip off my friend who does her shopping.

Dint You are right, I didn't stop and think. I had the donor/attorney/certificate provider all together so it could be over and done with but we could have done it in installments. There's nothing to stop the donor and certificate provider doing their part and then the attorneys adding their signatures (with witnesses) later.

MrsSchadenfreude There's nothing you can do. You're not responsible for her and her actions. She's being totally irresponsible but that reflects on her, not you.

Aaargh! I called my Mum last night - I live in another country. She has all the Covid symptoms - cough, difficulty breathing, sore throat and runny nose (which I think is a symptom of the new Delta variant). Oh and she says “nothing really tastes right” - was complaining about the tasteless lunch she had.

I suggested it might be Covid, got her usual response of “don’t be ridiculous.” I said she should self-isolate and do a test, but she won’t do either as she is going on the shopping bus tomorrow. I told her to cancel, but she is refusing and “will try not to cough.” I know if I sent her a test she would either refuse to do it or mess it up so that she could say it was ridiculous and that she didn’t have Covid. I am hoping the shopping bus won’t take her, but am more worried about her neighbours. She is in and out of theirs all the time and one has terminal cancer. She really won’t listen (my Dad said she should have “She wouldn’t be told” on her tombstone), and I don’t know what else I can do.

Guess I was just spoiled by my late Mum who did actually trust me implicitly.

Unlike mine! Actually I'm not so sure if she doesn't trust me or just thinks I'm completely incompetent..as far as she's concerned she is the new improved lovechild of Hyacinth Bucket and Miss Moneypenny so anything I do is bound to fall short of her exacting expectations.

@MysterOfwomanY

Bloody hell I think my head would explode!

Has she got a will sorted? My uncle died intestate last year with substantial savings but no kids or partner. The resulting fall out means that dad's surviving brother and half brother now only speak to me but not to each other or their half sister/sister respectively who has gone NC with all of us as she didn't inherit anything and had got the hump.

I have to admit after Dad's funeral (she knew how ill he was...hadn't called him for a year, didn't so much as phone when he died, much less attend the funeral...bearing in mind he was 14 when she born, helped raise her and came back 12000 miles from Australia by boat to give her away when she got married) I sent her a text telling her in no uncertain terms what I though of her attitude and deleted and blocked her on everything.

I have a very high threshold for taking other people's shit, but mess with my dad or my daughter and I get a bit mafioso

MysterOfwomanY you've got to be there when the PoA is signed so it'll mean a road trip.

I said last year that SIL needed to talk to her mother about PoA but that was at the point where everyone was ignoring the obvious to me memory problems. Time has passed, when mum fell four months ago I raised it again as an example of how you could go from woolly to incapable in five minutes and that really she needed to get it sorted while MIL had capacity to agree to it. I've not seen MIL for over a month as she's been in and out of hospital and as I'm not told about her movements I've gone to visit her at home when she's been away. I have no idea whether she has the understanding to sign up, she has good days and not good days. Residential care is on the cards and I think this is the point where the family will find that their unwillingness to raise an awkward subject is going to bite them.

I know I'm preaching to the converted here but it is something that you need to have in place just in case something unforeseen happens. You might not get the opportunity to see that there's a chance that it's going to be needed. You may trust someone else to take the health and welfare decisions but in terms of paying bills there isn't anyone else who will do it. I suspect that SIL thinks she just needs to walk into the bank and explain the situation and that's not going to happen.