Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

There's a Cruse befriending group at the nearby community centre but they haven't reopened yet.

Have suggested phone counselling but she's not keen (partly because of her hearing), although she has called the GP this morning as there's someone there who apparently advises on this kind of thing, and they should call her back this afternoon.

I have suggested all other kinds of things but get

It's just not me
They're not really my sort of person
I can't do it on my own
I don't see how it will help

...and more hysterics.

There's no one that can have her to stay. Her friend that's been phoning regularly is unfortunately married to rather difficult character with his own issues. There's not really anyone else.

I feel like a complete bitch for getting so frustrated and being unsympathetic. Just wish I wasn't the only person dealing with it all.

We had our meeting at the hospital yesterday - initially it was Social Services, the nurse, my cousin and myself. I told them how impossible it was for me to keep caring for mum and my cousin filled in the blanks. She is 15 years younger than me but talked about how much work it takes when mum has stayed with her in the past.

When they brought mum in she was so pleased to see my cousin she didn't even see me! We had already told them that my cousin was the Golden Child!

We have tried to emphasise to mum that this about the next step, not a final step, but as anticipated she was quite tearful. I was relieved that everyone - except mum of course - recognised that she is unable to live alone.

" I've been thinking about what someone said on here recently about the refusal to go into a care home, essentially meaning the daughter picks up the slack to afford the parent the illusion of independence."

I think I have done such a good job of this mum has no idea how very dependent she is.

On a positive note she did say briefly that she might be like her cousin who went into a home and found she was really happy against her expectations.

While we were with her my daughter rang so she spoke to mum and mum said to her "Oh darling, you make me sick!" What she meant was "Talking to you makes me home sick!"

Minty is there no friends or family she can have a short break with? It's something to take her out of the house and away from the associated memories. It's very early days for her, can you suggest some bereavement counselling for her, Cruse is supposed to be good. It's something else for her to think about and somewhere for her to go.

A lot of her issue atm is anger and she keeps talking about how she can't understand why the doctors didn't do more to fix him. Also referring back to when we caring for him which is bringing stuff back to me that I'd much rather forget, largely about how she treated him.

She's very on top of housework etc but spends the rest of her time on YouTube watching videos about how to deal with narcissists (oh the irony) or on Facebook reading endless wanky quotes/psychobabble about loss and grief and spirituality which just upsets her even more.

nota I'm very envious of your gym membership. My former in laws were DL members so we went as guest a few times. My particular favourite was swimming in the outdoor heated pool on Christmas Eve when it was snowing one year .

@MrsSchadenfreude How's your mum doing?

knot so glad you got to have your time away. This time next year I'll be in Yorkshire (touch wood)...can't come soon enough.

I've had a fairly productive couple of days having a massive sort out and chuck out at home.

Been at mum's since last night though and I'm really struggling with her. She's in floods of tears every five minutes (never sure whether it's loss of dad or the fact that L probably won't be back and had said she shouldn't message him anymore)...and I just can't seem to get through to her or do anything to help.

I feel so frustrated and helpless...and heartless because tbh I just feel so irritated by her when she's like that. She just will not do anything to help herself even though she's perfectly capable and can't bear not having people around even if she's not engaging with them. I'm the complete opposite and I am at a complete loss what to do with her.

I've been thinking about what someone said on here recently about the refusal to go into a care home, essentially meaning the daughter picks up the slack to afford the parent the illusion of independence.

I've been thinking about this too. I've never thought of it this way before but it is so true.

Hope those that have managed to get a break are having a relaxing time. I've booked 2 days away myself and my Dad is not that happy. He said he would look after himself if we went away. This is a bit of a test.

nota possibly the urgent referral was derailed by someone who said "it's not urgent, her daughter will go in and do it"?
In my experience, you understand.

Last time the GP asked for an urgent referral for DM to be treated by the district nurses they took two months to arrive. That seems to be fairly typical here. So I know I shouldn't be doing it, but it's Hobson's choice.

Went for a swim last night - just locking my phone into the locker was bliss!

So glad you got away knot it must be upsetting seeing your dm like this- but as you say, safer than at home. Please make the most of your freedom.

Thanks, yes I did have a night away. The sea was blue, the sand was golden and the flat I'd rented came with a big bag of ice in the freezer.

I saw mum when I got back on Wednesday, I think in future I'll ask them for a visit half an hour or forty minutes because she was done with me and it was all "right, let's get off home then". She can't remember anything at all so although she's been there for 13 weeks she can't find her way to the toilet or the lounge. Every day is the first day in a strange place. I'm telling myself that her home was equally strange to her so she might as well be somewhere that's unfamiliar but safe. Looking at her I really wonder whether she'll see Christmas, I thought she had no more weight to loose but I was wrong.

nota brilliant news on the gym….. think of it as getting your money’s worth!!!! You so deserve that and it’s healthy!!!!!
And agree with knot- someone else should be doing the legs not you- more gym time. Did you get away knot?
How are you hairbrush?

Nota this is a job that someone else could be doing. If it's extra work for you and it's clearly not appreciated, why not ask her GP for a referral to the district nurse. Let a professional do it and free up some of your time.

I've been treating DM's wound every day for many weeks now. Which has basically meant my exposure to her has ramped up. Last night she said that I 'may use the bathroom to wash my hands'. I use the kitchen sink, dry my hands on paper towel, then put gloves on. Apparently that doesn't count, and it seems I need her permission now to use the bathroom that I clean her shit from.

So - the consequence is rather unpredictable - I have joined a gym. Not just any gym, but David Lloyd, so £££. I can go swimming, sit in the spa, and have some downtime FOR ME. I really had to battle with myself as I realised I didn't think I deserved a bit of luxury. But it's done. I just need to keep telling myself I do deserve to have some time for me, doing stuff I enjoy.

My Mum called the doctor who is sending her antibiotics. Also told her to phone up and order a Covid test. She duly called but as she doesn’t have a mobile phone and isn’t online, they seemed to think this was too difficult. She said she was put on hold for 40 minutes while someone went to find out what happened in these circumstances, snd then the line went dead. So I have ordered her one online to be posted to her to administer herself. That will be interesting.

Ha! It was Kinks night on the BBC recently, I heard the song and thought “that’s my next MN name”.

Tales welcome back. That user name made my brain hurt trying to remember what song it was from - I caved in and Googled it in the end.

Hello everyone. I’ve been here for many years, under different names. I don’t have much to report, because nothing ever really changes, but wanted to wish you all well. You’re all so right in what you say about aged parents staying in the family home to give the illusion of independence and how tiring it can be, always to be the “someone” who deals with things. Cockroach, mes amies!

This might sound extreme , but a call to 101 ( non urgent police ) and a telephone call or a visit from them to remind her of her responsibility might stop her going out.

@MintyCedric yes, she had had both vaccinations by 5 January. Her GP’s surgery never answer the phone but are a bit more responsive to email.

@MrsSchadenfreude

Is your mum vaccinated?

Tbh I'd be thinking of calling her GP surgery or even track and trace at this point.

Two of my Mum’s friends have contacted me to say they think she has Covid and should see a doctor. As she is refusing to either do a test or call a doctor or the NHS for advice, I don’t see what I can do. She went on the shopping bus - took two paracetamol beforehand so that her temperature would be normal - despite my telling her to self isolate. Her cough is really bad, she’s struggling to breathe, has a headache and sore throat. I offered to call the NHS or order her a test and was told, sharply, no. I’m beginning not to care about her, but thinking of the other old ladies on the bus and the shop assistants. But she always has been selfish.

Dint

Does the dachshund need a British or Australian passport?

dark humour alert

Wicked, wicked Dint!

I'm absolutely incandescent (which is not a good thing in this heat) So DM is in hospital. It was the Junior Engineer's school play today, and he had one of the two lead roles. Tomorrow it's the leaver's assembly.
Just had the pitiful phone call "I'm thinking about you..I'm so sad... we'll get through this together...we're a family....can you try and ring me on the ward"
Not sure what we're supposed to be getting through "together", she's put herself into hospital through her own actions, not sure how my input is required. Do I think the hospital staff have got nothing better to do than run up and down the ward acting as her personal messenger service - well, I'm pretty sure she doesn't think they have. And the idea that she wants to make his big day all about poor pitiful her bravely soldiering on.... makes me sick, actually.

You let him have choices, dint bet he doesn’t get many. Was he more settled today?