Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

Hairbrush I'd leave it a couple of days and then go around again with the home that she dismissed out of hand. Hopefully she'll have forgotten what she said. As a recovering perfectionist myself, try not to get bogged down in choosing the "perfect" home. Neither mum nor MIL had a choice because they were emergency admissions and the primary consideration was whether there was a vacancy and the secondary one was location. They are still not back to normal in terms of access, activities and visits out so what they usually offer may not be happening anyway.

Sorry I haven't updated things have been a bit manic to say the least. Dad is still in hospital, improved but has fluid build around his heart that needs reducing/removal. DB is liaising with the GP and I have been talking to social services. It's clear that mum isn't capable of looking after dad but she is in complete denial and dad has been telling porkies to cover up. We have decided it's time for some tough love and are now just telling them like it is. Mum can't remember what is wrong with dad for 5 minutes and hadn't even noticed he was delirious on Tuesday when DB called the ambulance. She thinks she called because he fell and can't understand why he isn't coming home now because they only took him in to check for fractures. And FIL is showing signs of burn out that we usually herald a crisis there in a few weeks.

Hope you are ok @countrygirl99.

It's interesting hairbrush how well the parents can come across at times, which can make them quite convincing. DM seems to be able to pull it out of the bag on occasion when required, but only in short bursts.

Do you really need to involve her in choosing the home on an academic level - surely it's about finding a place she is comfortable in?

Gosh @countrygirl99 how awful not to be kept in touch. I hope you have news now.

@notaflyingmonkey hope the leak is sorted now.

Things seem to be moving forward with my mum. I had a call from the social worker last week and a meeting at the hospital yesterday. He seemed to think that mum was occasionally a little confused but generally ok and she seemed to be accepting of the situation.

He hadn't experienced any of her flights of fancy until she joined us in the meeting, happier than she has been for ages, and telling us all about the party that had been held in her honour the night before - although "the girls" had not been able to find her so she could not join in!

She has agreed that she will try residential care. We discussed various homes and the one that is nearest to me which I have heard great things about and which has an amazing inspection report she dismissed out of hand "because everyone there is old!" The other home I would like her to move to only has a few permanent beds and vacancies are very rare but I am hopeful, especially as it is local to us and we have no transport.

It is so hard though to choose a home. I have been looking online at inspection reports and what I read does not match up with what I have heard from relatives and friends who have worked there. Also we have no money to add to the fees so that also limits our options.

Still no news from the hospital - too busy to tell us what is happening apparently. And now my cooker has broken down so DH has been dispatched to get pizza

Hand hold from me country. He’s in the best place. Hope you get some news soon. At least if your dm are calm it must help. 🌺🌺
not hope the roof is ok. Last thing you need.
knot would a piece of electrical tape with initials work? Sharpie? Or a chain around her neck?

No news from the hospital yet but I spoke to mum this afternoon. She thinks she phoned the ambulance because dad fell and they have just taken him in for a precautionary checkup. Actually DB phoned because dad was obviously seriously ill and mum hadn't noticed 😔. At least it means she isn't panicking and going even more to pieces yet.

You can get lockable pill trays that open at the right time of day and have a flashing light on them to show it's time to take them. The light goes off when the box is turned over to tip the tablets out. You can get a stand for it that helps tip it over. This is one, there are others:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00PY2P9FU/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_image?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8

I waited past the time when mum could cope with the change, if I'd done it 12 months earlier I might have had a chance.

I hope your dad is ok countrygirl, it's a terrifying time especially if you can't get in to see him.

Hand hold for you Country hope your DF is ok.

DM is the same with her meds, even with the Dosette box as she has no clue what day it is or time of day.

Carer called me last night to say DM had rain coming in through her ceiling (we had biblical style rain yesterday). Carer put a couple of pans under, I went over with DH and cleared out a load of silt from the gutters which we think had caused it. Put a load of newspaper down as well as a big bowl. Went back this morning to check and she had put everything away, with no memory of the leak. So fingers crossed it's ok now the rain has stopped.

Dad is on his way to hospital again. Possibly a stroke.
DB took mum's dementia pills to her last night and left her with 7 days supply. By this morning she had taken 3 days worth.

Did we know that you can get shrink name labels for the arms of spectacles? Now that we've negotiated the surprise! CT scan and the very lovely doctor breaking the news of the mass that I knew all about because it was discovered four years ago I'm going to try to get mum new glasses. She's in the same pair every time I see her but they aren't hers. There's no point getting new ones if she can't hang onto them but if I can label them then they will return to her from where ever she leaves them.

Countrygirl social services see this all day every day, situations where the carer starts needing care themselves. How you manage to make the changes needed without some crisis forcing their hand I do not know, I didn't manage it with mum and SIL didn't manage it with MIL. To accept help was to acknowledge that they weren't coping and that wasn't happening. Mum's reenablement care didn't supervise medication because that was the agreement they had with social services but if mum had been paying for them herself then they would have done.

Mum just has a different perception of reality now. It's the classic " we are coping fine". Except they are reliant on DB and are regularly calling an ambulance to get dad up during the night.
DB has had a conversation with their GP. Temporary care is being put in place and he has a new issue of their medication and will be going round to make dure they take it. Mum had completely forgotten she was supposed to be taking any. The reablement care is being restarted and I'm talking to social services today but that is just yo get him washed and dressed in the morning. Longer term they will need to pay for care which I can't see them agreeing to when mum keeps sacking the free care.

Countrygirl I'm really sorry to hear that. Do you think that your mum is capable of acting in your dad's best interests or is her version of reality too out of step? It sounds as if he needs more support than she is capable of giving now. I don't know if there's a pattern that warrants a call to the adult social care team as a safeguarding issue for your father - he is at risk from what you've said about the Oramorph and the emptying of the dosett boxes. (If you want one I do have a lockable rotation pill box that I never got round to introducing)

Nota I think I've had a rant here about "popping", about how the word miminises the work that's involved. "Can you pop over and close the bedroom window?" I can do that but let's recognise that by the time I've finished with 15 miles in the car, the bins, the fridge and the post it will be nearly an hour of my time to "pop over". Being out of milk isn't urgent enough to trouble a man with, no-one could possibly expect him to go to the shop for something so trivial. What is he replacing MoW with? Has he researched a better option or is he popping round at mealtimes to rustle something up?

My achievement this week (so far, it's only Monday) was having tea and biscuits while visiting mum. She said that she was really happy, that the visit to the big shopping centre that morning had tired her out (imaginary but she'd enjoyed the memory) and she remembered the dog that visited the day before (true because I'd seen photos).

I'm drinking less (it was my reward for getting through another day), sleeping better and I have time in the day to do the things that I used to do that made me happy. I still regret that mum lost the life that she had before The Fall but I didn't cause it and there's nothing I could do about it. All I want is for he to be happy and safe and it's looking as if "happy" is a possibility.

Sorry to hear that Country. Hopefully the nurse can see what is going on and arrange some sort of intervention?

Definitely hand the problem to your brother to solve Nota.
I've been talking to my DB a lot this morning. Visited mum and dad yesterday and cried all the way home. Dad could barely string 5 words together, was falling asleep mid sentence and was surprised to see me every time he woke up. There was also a problem that needs an electrician and mum was insisting she would call one they have used before. I called DB to let him know and that I would phone to check she had done it. He called in later to check on them and there was a nurse there to.assess dad as the nurse changing his bandage this morning raised concerns. Apparently he had got through nearly a whole bottle or Oramorph over the weekend - no wonder he was out of it Sunday. Also the nurse found his dossette boxes have been emptied into 1 dish ( he is on about a dozen tablets) and mum has cancelled the re-ablement carers again. Though she insists there never were any carers for her to send away.
I really don't know where we go from here.

Oh nota that’s really crap. Just what you don’t need. I think elderlies believe men incapable of popping and much too important…….
As for cancelling mow……… what does DB propose instead? Give him back the monkey.

Posing a question: are only women expected to 'pop'? As in, pop over, pop to the shops, pop to the chemist, etc.

I had last week off, let DB and DM's care agency know. Predictably DM ran out of milk part way through the week as DB never fucking listens to me about her shopping on the occasion he does it. If I was around, I would be asked to pop to the shops to get her some. DB had no such message, despite me signposting all messages to go to him for the week.

He and DM have decided she no longer needs Meals on Wheels as she pronounced it 'boring'. So that is one of the things that I outsourced now gone.

Thank you hairbrush.
Sounds like the right approach with your dm”until you are better/ able to xyz……..”
It’s so hard though.

I've told mum that we are waiting for her to be able to get herself in and out of bed by herself. Unfortunately she can't do it. She needs the assistance of two people to get to the toilet and she can not get herself into bed.

Oh Sandwich, I am sorry to see you are having such a tough time. I really hope that everything proceeds quickly and news is not as bad as it could be.

Mum is still in rehab but we have had a meeting with Social Services and the social worker has been to see her a couple of times since. He rang me yesterday and we had a long chat. They really want her to agree to go into a care home of her own accord so they don't have to go down the route of a best interests meeting etc.

He asked how I had got on with persuading her and I laughed hollowly! I have a 30 minute visit once a week. The first 20 minutes is her crying and asking me to take her home and berating me for letting her be in this position, 5 minutes of searching for her washing and if I am lucky we have a pleasant 5 minute chat about the family.

He has sent or will be sending me the forms to complete about her finances. We all agree that she should move as soon as possible so that she has some stability. We are "selling" the idea of a home as the next step rather than the end of the line but it isn't going to be easy.

That's it, I've completed the blue badge form and will read through it tomorrow. I found the photos I took of the relevant documents when I started this just before The Fall and I'm telling myself that a third renewal should be straightforward when the person has chronic conditions.

I'm sure mum would fit in a teenager's wheelchair because she is so tiny now. Something narrow would save the NHS money on repainting the doorframes I fail to negotiate.

Thank you exepat nota and knot support much appreciated.
knot I can understand the almost grieving about what has been lost.
Do look carefully at the weight of chairs and also if they fold up.
We got an emergency heavy beast from a charity shop which was fine until I hurt my back. Please think of it as a route to more access- I know when dm was walking less and less the logistics of getting about became all consuming. With a chair it was far easier to move about as you say especially in hospitals etc.

Finger crossed for you Sandwich