Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

Oh @BurningTheToast you are doing a wonderful thing for the family.

We had a really interesting visit with mum yesterday. My oldest daughter has been home with the express intention of visiting her. She hasn't seen her for 6 month. It was clear that mum wasn't sure who she was until we told her but then she was off! DD wore a dress that mum had bought for her 9 years ago. Mum remembered every detail of the trip when we bought the dress. She remembered where it was bought and our visit to Krispy Kreme to buy donuts. She didn't remember the name of the shop but she remembered that we had bought donuts beginning with a "K" and that DD was not allowed in the shop because the college did not allow students to enter fast food places whilst in uniform. Details that DD had forgotten!

I am now going to be wracking my brains for other little details about trips and fun times I can talk to her about.

Morning lovely supportive people,

Yesterday we found out that FIL will be in hospital for "weeks but probably not months"... I think MIL needs to go into respite care for at least part of that time and we can organise a care package, sort out the house such as the spare bedroom and so on so that one of us can easily and comfortably stay there when they both come home. DH resistant as he worries that once she goes into a care home she won't come home again.

This morning I'm off to look at a flat in the city. There aren't many that will allow our dog and even fewer in an area that means we can get to their house quickly.

Slept for four hours last night before DDog decided that it was time to go out for a walk. I put him off until it had at least started getting like and then we went and walked in the woods for a bit. I fell over a root because it was still, you know, dark! And I cried because I fell over until DDog decided that if I was on the ground then I probably wanted to wrestle!

Have a good day everyone! x

You can activate the Financial poa at any time

@BurningTheToast

There is a POA but it's not activated. I could talk to mum about investing some of it where it's less accessible though.

Good
I'd be watching him like a hawk - and making sure he knew I was
I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day

She's very open about her finances and I have access to her passwords etc.

She's also made it very clear that he's not asked and she's not offered any kind of financial input.

Of course that doesn't ultimately mean anything but I don't have any immediate concerns about him fleecing her.

I have a certain amount of evidence if I need to use it.

Everything depends on the individual circumstances.

The Joan Blass case was an extreme and terrible example, as you say. I believe more is being done around awareness for registrars of marriage as a result, but clearly it should never have got that far.

It doesn't necessarily follow that nothing can be done - each case is unique- but the situations are inevitably very delicate, which is why often things can go unchallenged. Fraudsters target those with few dependents for obvious reasons. On the positive side, institutions are alive to this type of abuse far more than they used to be.

It's worth keeping a close eye, and seek advice if you are worried. Action on Fraud, the age-related charities, the individual banks in question would be my first port of call.

I was thinking the same, @Words, and there seems to be very little families can do about it. I read about this case earlier this year: www.predatorymarriage.uk

Obviously Minty's mum is not such an extreme case, but it seems that under current law, when a 91-year-old with advanced dementia marries a much younger, predatory man, no alarm bells ring and nothing can be done about it.

@MintyCedric : Are you in a position to check nothing nefarious financially is going on with this man ? I would keep an eye, just in case.

I haven't been following this thread closely for a while, so not got a complete picture of recent developments.

However, grooming of elderly people by would-be romantic partners or (more commonly) carers is by no means as unusual or as unlikely as you might think and she is a prime mark. Recently widowed, of means, difficult relationship with closest relative, and her character as you describe- suggestible, vain, self-absorbed , emotionally labile- all make it possible.

Forgive me if I am speaking out of turn, or if this has been discussed before. It's just that I am all for stepping back wherever we can, but this isn't one to take your eye off in my view.

@Opal8

I'm not prepared to sacrifice any more of my time/energy/focus on her.

Hold this thought!
Concentrate on your own recovery.
These situations can bleed us dry emotionally and physically.
Self first.

The reasons are many I imagine.

My mum was brought up poor the youngest of 14 in rural Ireland. She has very little schooling which makes her HATE dealing with anyone in "authority". Dr's, teachers etc

It made my life quite hard growing up. 12 year old shouldn't have to make their own Dr appointments:(

She's just quite....hard of thinking. Has little common sense.

Dad and I were like a "tag team" with her.

But. Whatever their issues, we did not cause them and we deserved better treatment.

I found reading Toxic parents enlightening. My mum isn't a bad person. But she's an inadequate parent and like many people with mh issues they can only care about their own "sensitivities".

Opal I can't get over how similar our mum's sound.

My mum was also ambivalent about having kids. Tbf she doted on me as a child, it was when I was old enough to have my opinions things got more problematic.

I know she lives me in her own way but she's just not mentally well and I can't fix that unfortunately.

I'm just tired of feeling responsible for a grown woman. I've been dealing with her poor mh amd now poor physical health since I was 15.

Yep, I was about 8 when mine had a breakdown following the deaths of her DM and MIL. I remember running round to her friend's house in my nightie one Sunday afternoon when she took to her bed and started talking about going out and deliberately crashing the car, and dad didn't know what to do with her.

We were both walking on eggshells from then onwards. Not all the time by a long margin but if ever something threatened to rock the boat...

Apparently covert narcissism usually happens as a result of childhood trauma/neglect or over indulgence. In mum's case I think its a bit of both. She has a couple of really nasty experiences as a very young child, then her dad died when she was 13. It was just her and her mum by then and their relationship became very codependent for the next 25+ years.

The man she was with before my dad didn't ultimately choose her which probably added fuel to the fire.

My mum was never much of a mum tbh
She shouldn't have had kids, really. She made it clear she hated every minute - unless it's my sainted brother of course.
The sad thing is her favouritism has continued into the next generation.

If it isn't about my brother or DN she isn't interested.

I'm going to go and do some cleaning for her tomorrow but if it gets too much she can pay someone to clean. She can afford it.

I arranged for someone from the local church to befriend her after dad died which has been good but she gets VERY annoyed when this lady doesn't phone or isn't available.

My suggestion of her getting in touch never goes down very well! 🤣 she finds it unacceptable that she should make an effort!

As for L...I know I should report him but

It must be so frustrating that your DM has ended up with him in her life, complicating matters, but TBH I agree that reporting would just be opening up a whole new world of pain no one really wants to get involved in this sort of thing, they tend to view the reportée as the trouble maker, and you would just be asked for unrealistic levels of 'proof' as it's all so subjective. You could go through all that and nothing would change except there being even more bad feeling floating around.

We get the whole 'I'm going to change my will' thing on a regular basis but in our case it would be in favour of our DS, so easily manageable.

I don't know about your mum before or now, but it does seem that old age and cognitive decline tends to turn people into the most selfish, self-centred, malicious, un-self aware, ungrateful, spiteful creatures on the planet!

(And breathe...)

God, @MintyCedric you deserve a bloody medal 🏅

You do need to put boundaries in place because sadly the person that should protect you and care about you - in this case your mum - doesn't.

Narcs only care about themselves.

It took me quite a while to realise/accept that.

I will do my best for mum (and god knows you have for yours) but I have my line I won't cross.

Thos year has been horrendous for me health wise. 2 x 2 week cancer pathway referrals and yet another appointment in Thursday.

I'm just tired of feeling responsible for a grown woman. I've been dealing with her poor mh amd now poor physical health since I was 15.

I'm done.

Yes boundaries are key with narcs
They will RAGE against you for putting them in place (sorry!) but for your own sanity you must.
I would be concerned about "L" grooming your mum to leave him her estate/assets.
I'd be getting advice from the police, honestly.

Yes there's a POA in place.

Tomorrow is just another of him coming and her going off into some delusional/paranoid fantasy land about what the future might be for their 'relationship'.

I've compared noted with her friend a couple of times since last week.

She thinks because he's read a text message on his mobile and smiled he's 'got another woman'.

She knows he's done several trips to the Far East in the past so she keeps checking his Messenger status and thinking he's on video calls to potential Thai brides in the middle of the night.

He changed his plans to go to his ex wife's big birthday bash because his kids want him there but she thinks he's getting back together with her.

None if it's grounded in reality or any of her business.

She drove off last week at speed while he was still in his car post visit doing paperwork and she was distraught that he hadn't called or messaged to find out why she was upset/if she was OK.

Anyway, he's off on leave next week so I expect she'll be begging him for reassurance tomorrow and he'll be putting the ball back in her court as per and I'll have 2 weeks of "he won't come back...how am I going to cope...I think I should stop him coming...you must have said something to the agency...but why don't you like him...your dad wanted me to meet someone else...don't you want me to be happy...it's not faaaaiiirr..." on a loop.

FMAL.

She is a textbook narc @mintycedric
Definitely
I sadly have experience of narcs in my wider family and am only too aware of the damage they can cause
Do you have POA?
What might "happen" tomorrow??

@Tontonmacoute sorry you're having g aggro again but I have to say I like your DH's style .

@Opal8 that sounds exhausting. I really feel for you with the job situation and totally know what you mean about having reached the limits of time, patience and energy.

I can envisage my mum going on for another 5 - 10 years and honestly the thought absolutely terrifies me. Her cognitive function is definitely declining and I'm not sure if that makes things worse or better.

As for L...I know I should report him but

a/ he's the only regular respite I get. I called Age UK about their befriending scheme and it's still only operating via phone. The nearest day centre to us is 12 miles away.

b/ I don't want mum to have to dragged into any kind of investigation

c/ honestly I'm worried what kind of stunt she'd pull. Not gonna lie the inheritance is part of it, not of itself so much anymore as I'm resigned to most of it ultimately going in care costs, but should that not be the case, most of it has come via my dad working his arse off and the inheritance from his brother and I'll be buggered if that goes where it shouldn't. Also, my dad's ashes are in mum's wardrobe and I'm not keen on her deciding where they end up.

I am debating going round while he's there and speaking to them both together so I can be accused of anything underhand but steeling myself to actually do it is another matter altogether.

When I left earlier and said 'see you Thursday' she replied that I might see her tomorrow as she thinks something will happen (re him). I told her if that was the case she needed to find someone else to talk to.

I will be call screening from midday onwards as I am not engaging with it anymore.

I've been listening to a Dr Phil podcast and am pretty convinced she's a covert narcissist. If she won't change, I'll have to, and put stronger boundaries in place.

Well, after a blissful respite from the daily ranting MIL has unfortunately stopped taking her Risperidone and we are back to square one - although it seems worse.

DH had suspected this but there now seems no doubt as she has been on the phone most of the morning accusing us of a) sabotaging her toothbrush, b) taking/hiding some jewellery c) ripping her off over the present she wants to give DS for Christmas, which she asked me to organise for her.

We have told the dementia team and hope that they can prescribe something else - we think she stopped because she can't drink alcohol with it, and she does enjoy a glass of wine in the evening.

As it is essential to try and get a laugh, however demoralising the situation, this exchange amused us

DH: Of course I don't come into your house every night. Have you ever seen me in your house in the night?

MIL: No, but I've heard you.

DH: Well why don't you come down and say hello then!?

Sorry I didn't update after last weeks mammoth a&e stint....10 hours sat on a metal Chair to be told "her ecg is fine"

Mum has gone downhill since the sepsis in August which was caused by a uti which turned into pyelonephritis.

I contacted the dr for a follow up and she's having chest x rays today and bloods next week coz guess what??? Her chest x Ray in August wasn't "fine" at all and she has fluid on her lungs.

They didn't do the kidney scan that the a&e Dr requested so I am arranging a private one.

I'm utterly exhausted with it all.

I asked told my sister to take her today as I'm just so worn down by it all.

She's now not even feeling well enough to go out for a walk/trip to the village or keep her flat clean.

Her mobility is getting much worse.

I'm currently sat waiting for the floor fitter to fit ds2's new bedroom floor - 3rd time lucky!! He keeps cancelling and I'm losing the will.

I'm recovering from back surgery and all the stretching/moving furniture is not helping!

I feel really negative about the future re: mum. I think this could just be the start of her decline and I'm not prepared to sacrifice any more of my time/energy/focus on her.

She - like many others on here - will not help herself. She refuses to make any effort at all to make friends, join groups...its so depressing.

I hope she can stay at the flat for a while yet but as soon as needs more care I'll have to be the bad guy and bring up a care home.

I lasted 1 whole day at my new job. It was only pt admin wfh but they were SO shitty when I explained that I was in a&e with mum that I consider I may have had a lucky escape!!

I'm sorry so many of us are struggling atm and @mintycedric I'm sorry your mum is still being so cruel/nasty.

I would have reported "L" months ago - safeguarding red flags all over the place.

Easy for others to say what they would do of course, we aren't living it.

Sorry for the whinge fest - hoping that we are least get past Xmas without another a&e visit

Cockroach to all x

Your wish is my command...

Res pretiosa est, senex et demens.

Does anyone watch Succession? The elderly patriarch of the family business has an inopportune UTI in yesterday's episode which his kids referred to as him being 'piss mad'.

Would have been funny except the acting was so painfully accurate...

I suspect mother will depart at the point of maximum expenditure and just at the moment when any saving could be made.

Yes she has attendance allowance, which helps, and clearly the new measures are not retrospective.

Agree the devil will be in the detail, so glad I haven't missed anything obvious.

It's an expensive business, being old and mad.

(Translated into Latin, that could be our CC motto.)