Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

I'd settle for a referral to a memory clinic just now, so we can access the local dementia adviser.

My Mil is doing fab at avoiding the NHS, combo of private care for a hip replacement and more recently, point blank refusal to get anything fixed. She can barely lift an arm after a fall a year or so ago. FiL is falling apart too but he knows it and is saying he won't have anything looked at whilst Mil is as she is.

My DM lurches from crisis to crisis with lots of drama on top, so I know that's the way it is but it's so tiring. In-laws were always very organised so I'm disappointed that they're avoiding the obvious now and I'm worried that there'll be more than one crisis at a time.

And breathe...

Age U.K. I should say, sorry.

@Wombat96 : the PoA situ really needs to be bottomed if at all possible.

Registering it with the various institutions can be a pain, depending on the institution, but trying to manage the situation without one is the stuff of nightmares. Times 1000 if their assets are anything other than very modest.

Attendance Allowance at the upper rate is not means tested and is reasonably generous. Age Concern can help filling in the very extensive forms.

MIL refused tests for her obvious confusion and memory issues because she was quite adamant that there was No Problem. It didn't get her anywhere, she had a spell in hospital after a fall and came out with a dementia diagnosis. It's difficult to avoid contact with medical professionals when you are on a hospital ward.

Wombat Having hit my head against this particular brick wall I'm afraid the likelihood is that nothing will change until there's been a crisis. It's sad and it doesn't have to be that way but that's often the way it happens.

Well, we thought they did have LPAs but due to moving about, they haven't but hopefully, it's in hand.

No attendance allowance or carers. No assessment by any one other than a GP in a different place. They have moved close by so now have the same GP as us but our GP hasn't been told of any difficulties directly. She's looking very unkempt now, after always being immaculate.

If it was my mum, I could have a direct conversation but they're very formal & won't entertain discussion. The bloody elephant in the room is now so big, we can't see daylight. Fil acknowledges the dementia but I'm not sure he really gets how much care she needs. He always looks surprised when we offer help.

I'm not sure why he's waiting, told him he needed a plan for help years ago. He's scared of her being unhappy, so always placates her.

Perhaps I'll have that gin...

Does anyone have POA for them? Maybe too late for mil.
Do they accept help from carers etc? Do they have attendance allowance

I so wish I could drink. 😁

Mil has a dementia, no idea what as she's refuses any & all tests, appointments or referrals. Totally enabled by Fil, whose health is clearly not so good.

No clue how to proceed.

Welcome wombat plenty of room. Gin on the side? Vent away.

Can I sidle in & order a latte, please?

I am being sent increasingly spare by DM & Pil. 😁

DM is nothing new, 40 years of odd behaviour in some ways, she's less difficult than in previous years but it's a low bar. Pil, on the other hand, were supposed to be sane & normal. No longer. 😁

Yes she has Alzheimer's, but actually she has always been that way!
Thankfully I never did hands- on care. I just couldn't have.

I think it is easy to underestimate the impact all this has on our own wellbeing. I am only seeing that properly in retrospect.

It is an awful effect of Alzheimer's that it just seems to bring out the worst in the sufferer. It is hard work, and often dull, looking after an elderly relative at the best of times. To have to do it while being subjected to a never-ending torrent of accusations, mistrust and abuse is very demoralising.

I think it is easy to underestimate the impact all this has on our own wellbeing. I am only seeing that properly in retrospect.

I'm off on The Visit at the home today. I suspect I will be cooling my heels alone in the Good Daughter's Room as a result as I have completed two (TWO!) tasks : the purchase of more socks, as her previous ones were stolen by the sock thief in the laundry ; and the replacement of a watch strap.

There is still scope though. The socks could be the wrong colour or fit, ditto the watch strap. I wonder what the next tasks will be... ( I do feel like poor Mr Ogmore-Pritchard in Under Milk Wood: 'tell me your tasks, in order...' )

Cockroach all.

Good morning to all new faces, really-new and returning-new. After a year from hell, never ending crises and hospital admissions both grannies are being looked after 24/7 by someone that's not me.

Mum is happy, no longer thinks she's coming home with me or asking when they are going to fix her so she can go home. She is very confused, manages about fifteen minutes before speaking becomes too difficult and it becomes word salad. I leave through the front door now so I can drop her back in the lounge when she's had enough and lurk near the door to be let out. It works really well and gives us the flexibility to finish when she's had enough, rather than having to sit in the visiting room waiting for someone to come and let me out. She's in the village so I can visit for fifteen minutes if that's all she's up to and then do the shopping.

MIL's care home insist on doing their own covid test so it's a 20 minute wait in the car. I don't get the results from that so can't use that test to see mum. Rather than have two tests yesterday and the 20 minute wait I dropped MIL's things at the door. I'm sure she would have liked to see me two days running but the testing requirements and the wait takes it out of "popping in" territory.

I went back through my diary looking for the date of something, I'd forgotten how hard the last year was now I'm through it. I'd like to thank all of you who helped get me through it.

Oh yes that old chestnut of 'I've left everything to you.' Said whilst threatening suicide and it'll all be your fault. Don't believe them. I was my mother's only remaining child. I was the only one who ever visited or dealt with all the numerous batshit/abusive phone calls. Yet my mother left her money to a relative she had barely seen or spoken to for the last 20 years.

Just had a totally bizarre call from MIL, DH was just wondering whether or not go and see her when she rang.

She kicked off asking DH what he wanted, although she had rung us. He asked if she needed him to go round, this was vigorously refused.

Then came the 'you are controlling me enough I don't want you here doing more things to control me.'

This was followed by 'you are going to get all my money eventually why are you doing this to me (trying to get her to commit suicide apparently) you will just have to wait' segueing into 'actually I'm going to change my will, what do you think of that?'

Then followed a very strange story about a neighbour who had told her that DH and I were at a party in the village (where we all live) yesterday and we didn't know anyone (implication, we are standoffish and snobs) and that we were making a very bad life for ourselves (coming from a woman who has refused virtually every social invitation she has received in the 20 odd years since I have known her).

We had a call from some old friends last night who were very worried because she has been calling them constantly for a chat, several times every day, and they wanted to let us know. We knew this because we can see on her iPad what she has been doing, but we had a god chat with them as they have been through it with their parents.

On the upside we think that she had a call from the dementia care team, and it was very positive (he was a real gentleman!). He tried to encourage her to build bridges with us (I assume he had been regaled with all the stories about how DH hides her stuff and controls her computer) but this just involved her demanding that we stop treating her so badly, so a way to go there.

We are just trying to play this straight, to not rise to the bait and just keep asking if she needs anything doing, shopping etc, but it does take it out of you - hence my rant to the Cockroach Cafe.

Turned up care home friday to see two eighty something women leave bemused after only being inside for ten minutes. Their ex neighbour on seeing them demanded they leave immediately. Obviously not golden neighbours

Loading not self obsessed at all. I’d be telling DF that your phone is playing up. I’d also be trying to find a companion to come visit twice a week maybe funded by Attendance Allowance if he qualifies. Half sisters have nicely positioned themselves as golden children, Permission granted to prioritise your toddler and fledgling business.

I think I've found my home. Been reading by the thread and at points it's made me laugh out loud and want to cry.
I'm sole carer for my dad who is 89. My half sisters don't want to know. One hasn't seen him for 2 years, the other has stayed for one night in 2 years. He is allotted a 10 minute phone call to them once a week. But of course the sun shines out of their arses.
Everything else is on me. Visits 2/3 times a week are an expected minimum, and on top of that he phones constantly to talk utter drivel about his day and gets annoyed / guilt trips if I try to get him off the phone.
The big problem is he had me at 54. So I'm 36 with a young toddler and I'm the middle of setting up a business so working full time.
Selfishly it just feels so unfair that at my age I have the sole responsibility of him.
Sorry a totally self obsessed rant but it's really affecting my mental health now as I simply never get a second to myself.

The very thought of four PoAs gives me a fit of the vapours...you're a better woman than I am mystery.

mystery are you wrangling FOUR elderlies????

V impressed with your DD Minty
I have visited POA4 who is healthier than me, and have outline arrangements to stay with POA2 while POA3 is in hospital having a knee op. Must ring #1 and arrange a meet-up. Feeling v fortunate that they all do have a cleaner, gardener etc.
But as you can imagine I'm hoping all the shoes don't drop at once...

Since she finished school at the end of May she's generally been up before me, healthy breakfast then off to the gym and then onto work.

She joined the local youth Council at 13, was co-opted to this charitable organisation and offered the job off the back of their first 'in person' meeting back in May.

She's also been working 3 nights a week in a local takeaway.

She is bloody phenomenal tbh...I'm quite in awe of her!

Yes minty that's really good-and great for her CV.

Fantastic news about your dd minty she sounds awesome.