Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

Country I think each carehome interprets the guidance in their own way and I suspect some places do it differently. While it’s a long while for your DM and family to be apart from him, maybe it buys you a little time to regroup and work out what the new normal will be for your family dynamic.
I’m feeling guilty that I am not rushing to visit my DM. It’s a week since I’ve gone and as she no longer has any significant recognition that it’s me, I’m prioritising other things. But I do feel bad.

You would have thought so wouldn't you. Maybe I'm underthinking this which would be a complete reversal from my normal self but I would have thought a negative PCR on say day 5 would have been fine for receiving visitors in his room. I can see an argument for keeping him separate from other residents with a PCR at day 8-10 but I can't see how visitors with a negative LFT will be less risky after 14 days than before.

Surely they can test him to make the quarantine period shorter!?

Toughest gor mum. It will be 5 weeks since she saw him by the time quarantine is over and she is really struggling already. She is still in total denial about her alzheimers. DB took her to the doctors this afternoon snd she told the GP that no one is telling her when dad is coming out of hospital. He was already in the care home and DB had explained several times.

(((Hugs))) @countrygirl99

That bit is so tough. I was lucky that my dad was in a front ground floor bedroom and in walking distance of my house so I use to potter past every couple of days and wave at him!

14 day quarantine😔

That's awful.

Dad is at the care home now. I'm going to phone tomorrow to see when I can visit.

The dad of a friend of mine collapsed at home due to leg problems. They called an ambulance and were told it would be 11 hours.

Nine hours later they were told there was no ambulance and to call OOH. The OOH doctor looked at the photo of his legs and said you must see the GP tomorrow. Eventually got a GP appointment that afternoon who promptly sent him to A&E, nine hours later they found a bed for him.

Next day friend's DSis gets a call asking her to come and pick him up, which she did. He was in a terrible state.

They then get a call saying he shouldn't have been discharged, it was a mistake!

Several years ago my DDad was sent home after a night in hospital for investigation into abdominal pains. He was so dehydrated (in spite of repeatedly asking them if he could drink and being ignored) that he virtually collapsed getting into the taxi. The driver went into the M&S store to buy bottle water for him.

He was only in for less than 24 hours ghat time. They phoned DB to pick him up and didn't mention they had lost his shoes moving and left him so long with neither help to get up nor a bottle that he had wet himself.

I've managed to speak to mum and reassure her but I'm afraid I gave the hospital both barrels. Not particularly proud of that but DB has had a very apologetic doctor phone him and hopefully they understand the very real distress that they have caused an 83 year old lady and will he more careful in future (yeah, ok, this is the hospital that lost his shoes and sent him home barefoot and in pissy clothes last time so maybe not). At least now we know what is happening and in the morning we can find out what the visiting rules are at the home as Mum hasn't been able to see dad since 13/8. If they had phoned DB that's something we could have found out today.

Oh country you’ve got so much on. Hope things get sorted for your df and dm. Fil car issues sound really tough 🌺🌺
minty good luck back to work!

DH had gap insurance on his first work van, subsequent ones have been cash purchase and was quite cheap. But that was a second hand van.
But in true MN style I am now "fuming". Dad is finally being discharged to a care home tomorrow after just over 3 weeks in hospital. His notes say all updates are to go to DB as mum has dementia and can't remember/ gets very confused and up until.today that has been followed. Guess who they phoned to tell about the discharge. Guess who then tried to phone the care home to speak to him and panicked because he isn't there. Guess who then phoned me distrught and sobbing that something terrible has happened and dad is dying.

minty that sounds like an excellent plan.

The helpline looks a great resource - I would definitely have used it while M was still at home.

The driving issue sounds alarming @countrygirl99 . Mine had an accident too, with a parked vehicle at relatively low speed. ' the brakes failed'. The other car belonged to an off-duty policeman who could not have been nicer about it. All very fortunate, and thankfully she volunteered to give up after that.

Regarding the formal diagnosis of dementia- no it won't help hugely with extra resources, but they could be prescribed Mementine or similar which is meant to slow the progression. Also useful for attendance allowance and blue badge applications.

When we got a brand new car last year we were talked into gap insurance by the franchised garage. It cost a few hundred pounds and we got a separate certificate from an insurance company. It wasn't built in it was an extra that we could have refused.

FIL has crashed his car. Luckily he only walloped a traffic island and no one was injured but he has done a lot of damage to his leased car and it might be a write off. He has no idea if he has gap insurance as part of the lease contract and if it is written off is likely to owe the lease company quite a bit. When he got this car we tried to talk to him about the "what ifs" but he got angry and slammed the phone down every time. There was nothing wrong with his old car except it wasn't a "manly" car. Poor DHs phone has been red hot. Just need to wait the insurance verdict now. Torn between hoping it's a write off and he sees sense and stops driving and thinking "oh god, another problem we will have to sort out".

@TonTonMacoute

That's sounds familiar...both the accusations of hiding things and the veiled threats of my inheritance going awol.

I haven't written since my dad died and am back to work tomorrow so this morning I signed up for an online workshop. You just work on whatever project you fancy but there are check-ins and forums to compare notes about how you're getting on etc at regular intervals.

Rather than go back to the novel, which I need to refresh my memory on before continuing, I decided to start work on a 'memoir' of my experience caring for dad during Covid.

I found my first thread on here and downloaded all my posts which ran to 90 pages.

Looking back the lack of support we had (due to a combination of factors) is barely believable. Also pretty sobering to see how many times I alluded to being suicidal.

Things aren't exactly a bed of roses now, but it's kind of mindblowing to have got through it. At the time I thought I was a being an unreasonable drama llama for moaning so much.

I second the Admiral nurse helpline. Like Ithink we had to leave a message and were called back, but their advice was extremely practical and very helpful. They also took our details and keep a file so you don't have to go over everything again when you ring back.

We had an incredibly bumpy weekend with MIL, who refused to let us come over and help her at all, as we were just hiding her things. Lots of tearful calls to friends and relatives begging for their help, and lots of angry calls to us.

Eventually we were summoned to go over there yesterday as she has 'things to decide' (this is code for I'm going to change my will unless you stop tormenting me).

We said we couldn't go until after work, and went over with heavy heart at 5.30. She had completely forgotten having asked us, was really happy to see us and immediately opened a bottle of cava!

She chatted happily for an hour or so, although you can see her struggling for words, and sometimes experiencing some sort of mental 'absence' - face goes completely blank and she looks so lost.

It was such a nice change to see her happy for a bit.

Can you sell it in as these things will help to enable your continued independence Wombat?

That's good advice.

Appreciated.

I don't think they'll apply for anything. I might have a go at suggesting Attendance Allowance tho. Currently trying to encourage the getting of an alarm pendent.

I think they really just want to be left alone! :-)

Dementia has only been mentioned with regard to my mum since she has been in hospital and it has been clear that she won't be coming home for quite a while but I found it really helpful talking to an Admiral nurse. It's not the same as a consultation with someone who will build a relationship with you and/or the patient but it really helped me with knowing how to deal with some of mum's weirdness.

I had to make an appointment for a phone call but it was the next day so not like waiting for a week or so. She was very reassuring and helpful.

www.dementiauk.org/get-support/dementia-helpline-alzheimers-helpline/

I wrote to DM's GP to raise my concerns with her about her memory, which resulted in DM being called in for a routine check-up, part of which was a memory test. Slightly underhand, but it needed to be done.

However. Once she had the diagnoses of dementia, it brought precisely nothing in terms of support for her. Maybe it's down to postcode?

Yep, been contemplating doing that for quite some time. I think it's a fairly nuclear option as it would not go down well.

Anyway, drinks on me tonight. Thanks for the help.

Would it be possible to send a letter to their gp raising your concerns? They won’t be able to talk to you unless elderlies have given their permission. Gp may be able to contact them triggered by that?