Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

What makes me mad is when people judge you for having an old in a care home. Why don't you look after them yourselves? they say,

They have clearly never had to do it themselves, no one who has ever cared for an old, whether alone or as part of a family effort, would ever say anything so stupid.

It does have its funny side though. MIL has just sent me a message saying

Nasty despit

Followed by a 🎉

Dumakey I have left the caring gig as mum and MIL have recently moved to residental care after various crises. I now do things like normal people do, go out for a meal, have a day out, stop in bed in the morning. I've got over the guilt now but the relief hasn't left me.

Someone here nailed it for me, we give our family the illusion of independence. If it's a carer making a meal then it's obviously care but not when it's your daughter doing it.

I think even the weight of expectation is hard to cope with, aside from the physical responsibilities.

Of course we all want to know our parents are well looked after and as comfortable/happy as possible. What none of them seem to understand is that it's unreasonable to expect one person to take on the entire responsibility for that.

I do believe that it's partly because they have fond memories of a time when women stayed at home, looked after their kids, then switched to looking after the elderlies. They just don't get that life has changed now for the vast majority of families.

Having children later, separation/divorce, working full time or at least having to have both partners with jobs of some kind all impacts on mental and physical availability.

It's hard not to feel angry and resentful when the olds don't understand this.

**IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

Thank you for your reply. It's weird isnt it, how our olds honestly believe we are just doing a few bits and pieces and have no idea how much the things we do end up taking over our lives.

@Dumakey I honestly believe that no one has the right to expect anyone to provide long term physical care, especially all that you have been doing. It has been a bone of contention between me and my mum for a long while, made harder by the fact she has never accepted that she needs "care" in any way. She just needs "a little bit of help from time to time". That "little bit of help" involved has taken over every aspect of my life and that of my family for the past 9 years. Three months ago she went into hospital and it quickly became clear that her needs were too much for her to continue living at home and we are now waiting for her to move into a residential placement. I switch between angry at all I have missed with my family, guilt that I am no longer caring for her and relief that I am now free to live with my husband like a normal person. I think any emotion you feel when caring is valid. Anger is definitely the one I felt most whilst caring.

@TonTonMacoute so glad you have been able to move forward, albeit baby steps.

We had some good news yesterday. The GP had referred MIL to the local complex care and dementia unit, but she had refused to co operate with them.

Anyway, they had decided that someone would cold call her yesterday and it worked! So they have been able to do an initial assessment, so that is quite a big hurdle that has been overcome.

MIL refused to allow them to discuss her case with us (blissfully unaware that this is quite a big red dementia flag in itself) but they are communicating with us as much as they can and have encouraged us to keep sending them information.

First baby step on the journey but still a long way to go.

Hello dumaky welcome to the club no one wants to join… yes you have every right to be angry. Have you looked at the stately homes thread?
Or considered counselling?
You have done so much. But rant away here. We get get it!

Thank you Minty and Bamboo 😁

I'm not sure where to start.
I have just the one 'old' and that is my mum. I feel that she has been ill/poorly my entire adult life.

I am 45 and have been supporting her in many ways from the age of 19. She has depression and Lupus and also had a Dimentia diagnosis January 2020.

She only ever leaves her flat for Doctor or hospital appointments. Up until January this year I did everything for her. Prescriptions and sort out her meds into blister packs, weekly shop, washing, liase with doctor, hospital, adult social care and dementia team, attend all appointments, the list goes on.

I work part time, have two children, step children (grown up with children of their own). One of my step children has just been diagnosed with Cancer, treatable thank god, but he is still in a bad way. I have a lot on my plate, as all of you have too.

It has reached the point where mentally I just feel that I cant deal with it anymore. I am not suicidal just extremely stressed.

I was in a good place beginning of the year as I had arranged carers for my mum, she lives alone. They were coming in twice a day. They were checking she had taken her meds, helping her wash as she cant bath herself, preparing small meals etc. My mum cancelled them after three days.

I had had enough. I contacted my brother, who lives locally, and told him I was stepping back from all duties apart from sorting her meds. He has taken care of everything since January this year. He hadn't helped before because he works 'full time'. He also lives alone and has no other dependents.

I visited my mum yesterday to take out her meds and some naughty treats, she doesnt eat properly 'only what she fancies' 🤔

My mum said to me yesterday " I am your mum, I brought you up, you should want to take care of me!".

I moved out of home at 18. I have had no support from her since then apart from a small amount of money she gave me after she had inherited from a distant relative.

No support or interest shown to my children.
Do I have a right to feel angry?

Sorry about the rant 😔

Welcome to the Cafe newbies - it's the sort of club that nobody wants to be a member of, so we try and make it easier for each other, and maybe for ourselves in the process as well.

There's no judgement here.

@notaflyingmonkey Yes - some find them easier if they have limited mobility. DM was finding the pants style tricky.

Good morning Dumakey! I'm new to this thread too.

Of course it would @Dumakey

What's going on with you and your Olds?

Good morning everyone, would it be ok if I join you?

@BambooWhoosh what's the advantage of that slip style over the straight pants style? Is it more for bedbound use?

@bamboo. You should be able to get them from a chemist . If it's a long term thing it will be worth your while contacting the District Nurses and asking for a continence assessment. If they deem incontinence aids are necessary then you should be able to get monthly deliveries.

Thanks Minty.

@BambooWhoosh

We used to get dad's from eBay...not sure which ones they were but they do a few brands and some are available to Click and collect if that's any help in the future.

Thank you thesandwich notaflyingmonkey I've sourced some.

Sorry to derail country

@countrygirl99

I feel so sad and angry on your behalf. We had this when dad transferred and although it could've been worse we (and particularly I) could have had so much more time with him.

I've just found this, updated 17th August. It seems to imply that they actually shouldn't be enforcing this quarantine...it's no longer government guidelines.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/coronavirus-covid-19-admission-and-care-of-people-in-care-homes/coronavirus-covid-19-admission-and-care-of-people-in-care-homes#admission-and-isolation-of-residents

bamboo google suggests Boots do them

Sorry countty
bamboo worth contacting boots or a local disability aids place?

Mum can't manage anything tech wise now. She used to shop on the Internet, email, use Facebook etc but it's all gone. She can just about manage to use her tablet to play solitaire these days but often manages to mess even that up. Goodness knows how.

country I'm sure the care home will set up a daily face time call for him when you explain how upset your DM has become. Teams and FaceTime meet ups are now a 'thing' in our care home after the last 18 months. There is bound to be an Entertainments or Activities co-ordinator who will look favourably on making the 14 days less difficult for your DF. I'm not sure if your DM can still bake or write him a card or a couple of daily paragraphs but when my DF was in hospital and apart from my DM, we sent him funny letters detailing what she was getting up to and her riotous behaviour. However, as she got sectioned shortly after that the letters were more about us telling him how we weren't coping

Hi - apologies for the grim topic, but is there anywhere I can buy incontinence slips (disposable pants with tapes) on the high street? Amazon will deliver in a couple of days but was looking for something sooner.

I've been looking online, but I'm quite new to this.

Thanks.

Dad is 94 and very frail. Even a few weeks is likely a big proportion of the time my parents have left together.