Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

@TonTonMacoute oh my that does sound very creepy. Is she ringing your mobile? When DM was phoning constantly, I turned my answer machine off between 10pm and whenever I got up. I also blocked her number but left my phone on just in case of a real emergency as if she called the careline number they would call me and get through. If she can't get through to your machine, perhaps she will eventually give up?

Bless her, she really is paranoid and sounds like she would really benefit from some medication of some kind but of course you need a diagnosis first!

Hopefully MIL has sort of decided to stop driving, although this is mainly because she is convinced that when she goes out we go into her house ad move stuff around and hide it. She now thinks that we sneak in at night when she's asleep.

Woke up this morning to a string of answerphone messages calling us nasty rats , just saying rats, rats, rats over and over. Are the nasty rats still in bed (well yes, actually it's 5 am ) and so on for about 5 minutes. Eerie and quite disturbing.

On the plus side the care team responded very quickly and were planning to phone her this afternoon.

The doctor called today to book me for my third covid jab - would Thursday suit? I suggested that maybe their records needed updating, I did tell them months ago that I was no longer the sole carer for a vulnerable elderly person. We agreed that there are plenty of other people who need this more than me and I'm not taking it up.

That's just tough isn't it? Arranging appropriate insurance is part of driving, same as putting fuel in it and navigating the MOT. He's the driver, it has nothing to do with you.

Mum effectively stopped driving when the supermarket where she got petrol went to card payment only at all pumps. She wasn't prepared to go anywhere else nor was she prepared to learn how to use the pump and she thought it would be my job to fill the car up. I thought that it was all part of driving and if you didn't have the flexibility of thinking to cope with this change at the pump then how would you cope with a sudden road closure and diversion?

Apparently DH is a bad son because he doesn't take his dad out. Of course that's because he won't leave MIL who hates going out, but don't let that cloud your judgement🤣.

Driving. It's the worst. I hope one day there will be cars that can identify from the way you're driving that you're unsafe!

I've just had a conversation with DM as part of the New Era where I'm not the soft touch child who will agree with her. It didn't go very well. Unfortunately I could feel a certain unhealthy satisfaction in saying some of the things I've bitten my lip about for years. Normally I would be SO tender of her feelings but after the hell of the last two weeks I've got my Bad Daughter hoodie on and am giving far fewer fucks.

Good news and bad news day today.
The good news is dad has improved massively and can go home as soon as carers are arranged.
The bad, or good depending on how important you consider road safety , news is FILS car was written off after his accident. He had it on a 3 year lease plan that is only halfway through and he didn't have gap insurance so will owe a hefty sum. Now waiting for the wailing that this will leave him with no money to get a replacement, I only want it for your mother (who hates leaving the house even to go in the garden now) etc. As he really shouldn't be driving, judgement of speed and distance has gone, we are preparing tactics to shoot down the flying monkeys that will inevitably head our way.

I'm back again. After a quiet-ish few months since DF died in June, a few days ago my mother had her third fall this year, gashed her arm, waited 12 hours for an ambulance in a pool of her own urine, spent the day in A&E to be stitched up, and then was sent straight home again even though they acknowledged she was not really fit to be discharged, but there were no beds... Now is not a good time to have an accident or emergency, and from what an NHS manager friend says, it is only going to go downhill from here for the rest of the autumn and winter.

DM has not left her bedroom since coming home from hospital, so is dependent on me and carers and housekeeper/companion to come in two or three times a day to empty her commode and bring her food. It is just not sustainable long term, so she has finally agreed that we need to discuss moving her somewhere more suitable (not huge old isolated family house with stairlift etc) before the next crisis hits.

Morning All.

Dint I'm so sorry you're having to go through all that again...I hope it improves soon.

I've completed my first full week back at work. Hell on wheels seems to be a fairly accurate summary.
Phased return for the five year groups interspersed with on site LFT testing, school photos and all the usually start of year mayhem. I can't say it feels safe from a Covid POV, even being double vaxxed...2 of our 3 reception screens have been removed, the majority of kids, parents and visitors aren't wearing masks, and we're getting several calls a day about household members being positive, but of course those people can still come in if they're under 18 or double vaccinated and not testing positive. We've had one student sent home symptomatic who subsequently tested positive already so anyone in contact is having to LFT daily for a week.

Lots of new staff to get my head round including 50% of 'my' team, and I'm stuck in weird twilight zone of knowing more than them about some things,and being completely clueless about others as they started in the last 6 months while I was on leave. One seems nice, the other is pressing my buttons somewhat but I'm sure it's just a personality clash type niggle that will iron itself out when I settle back in.

Or if I settle back in. I did the sums mid week and if I could get the permitted level of income from a p/t job on top of CA and UC, I'd actually be marginally better off than I am working full time.

I'm going to see how this week goes and discuss it with mum. She's been bearing up fairly well with my absence which is one positive.

Dint I'm sorry to hear that you are shut out again. Every time I hear someone chirruping about how things are back to normal now I know they've not needed to set foot in a hospital or a care home. I begrudge the twenty minutes sitting in the car outside care home B waiting for the test result that they insist on doing when I know care home A will look at the result from the test I did myself. The weather is changing, where would I go if I didn't have the car to sit in? But at least I can visit, so there is that.

@MereDintofPandiculation some carers will do shopping. Home Instead will. Or, if there is someone who can do an online order, you can arrange for the order to be dropped off while the carer is there to pack it away. Using a care agency is an expensive way (they charge the hourly fee plus mileage) to get the groceries in if you have them shop but it is a solution.

dint that’s so hard- your visits must mean so much to him.
Hope the restrictions lift soon.

Oh Dint that's terrible.

My DM died peacefully in her care home nearly three years ago, my DDad used to go and see her every afternoon. I really don't know how he would have coped at all if he had had to deal with these restrictions. It is inhumane, you are right.

@MereDintofPandiculation that is awful. Dad's latest assessment showed his vofusion has improved massively and he is more confident walking with aids so hopefully he can come home before the planned 4 weeks. Mum last saw him on 13th August and it's so sad how much they have missed when they have little time left together.

37IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere thank you. Ido try to go for a walk or swim every lunch time to get some head space. We have benefitted from lockdown to some extent as it means I'm now permanently working and studying from home (no long tiring expensive commute and I'm home so can help care for DH). Must admit that I felt totally burnt out at the start of the year. But now feeling better - exercise has definitely improved my mental and physical health. My BP is better and I've lost 1.5 stone of "lockdown lard"

Hello @HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss You have so much going on. I know it's a cliche but do try and take some time for yourself, even if it's just the odd hour every now and then. I didn't and ended up in hospital with amnesia.

I love your username. It is an expression that my mother has never been able to master. She keeps saying "I suppose I should pull up my fat lady knickers"!

I think I've found my tribe
I've 2 elderly relatives, now thankfully both safely in nursing homes, and DH has a life limiting illness and is sadly on asteady decline. DM bedbound and cannot speak and feisty DAunt is frail and has given up since her husband died 6 months ago (although she's thankfully forgotten he's died and thinks he's just been kidnapped or is waiting at the bus station - undiagnosed dementia we think). I seem to spend a lot of time on the phone sorting out various medical appointments. I'm still also sorting out DFs probate after 18 months. Everything seems to have unravelled at the same time like a bad storyline in a soap opera!!

Oh, it's always good to know you're not alone. Makes all the difference.

Fil dropped into conversation that he lost his temper with the repetition the other night. It is very unusual for him to say anything personal, so we were a bit taken by surprise. I said it might be anxiety or boredom.

Bit worried by this, told bil & DH went & checked on them the next day. But unsure what else we can do.

Thanks for the welcome everyone. It has helped so much just telling the story and being heard by people who get it. And there's a strange comfort in reading what's going on for others.

Agree totally with the toddler analogy.

However, with a toddler you can pick them up, put them somewhere safe where they can let off steam and not hurt themselves and you can't hear them, and you know they will calm down, forget everything and eventually it can only get better and more rewarding.

With parents struggling with dementia and other ailments, you cannot make them do anything they don't want to, you have no idea what can happen next, and you have no idea how long it's all going to last for

Hi permanent and hellon wheels.
As others have said, there are a what? (Collective noun for us elderly wranglers? I’m sure one of the brilliant folk on here can come up with a name… a struggle of? A worry of? ) so many of us here who can nod and share your frustrations whilst offering gin, chocolate and cake.
Knot’s toddler analogy is a good one. And I dont think many of us realise the toll it takes until it stops.