Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

That's worrying.

Would it be better if the dvla made the decision on driving?

Oh countrygirl. It just doesn't ever settle! Those fairies work overtime.

Would a frank exchange of views with the car-enabling SIL help? I know that things have been less painful since we three siblings wrestled our way to a roughly similar view of the situation. I doubt it will last but you never know.

Well, Friday we thought a was going well. FIL decided to give up driving after writing off his car and dad came home with a 4 visits a day care package.
Within an hour mum was yelling at dad because DB had checked the fridge thrown out some rancid chicken casserole and mouldy pasta sauce do "there's nothing to eat" despite the full freezer. She has continued in the same vein since despite missing him dreadfully while he was ill. She also managed to mess up the boiler controls and poor DB spent 2 hours sorting that and various other issues yesterday. Naturally she hadn't touched them when "someone" had started to reset them and just left them mid process. Just the 2 of them.there and dad can barely walk across the room, must have been the fairies.
Then yesterday FIL announced that he wouldn't use the community transport schemes we had found for him that can accommodate MILs wheelchair and that Uber or taxis were too much faff so he is going to get another car. Apparently there is nothing wrong with his driving start from the fact that he has caused 2 accidents in less than 3000 miles. Apparently his SIL with more money then sense is treating him to the car. We are hanging on to the hope that the insurance will be so eye watering that he can't afford it.

I ended up having a call from the GP about my own issues and mentioned how worried I am about the in-laws. They basically said FiL needs to ring them, so I've told him that and he tried, which is progress, I think.

MiL is looking very unkempt now. I've always been a scruffy wotsit, so I don't feel very confident about saying or doing anything and I'd probably be ripped a new one anyway if I did...very sad tho, as she was always a very smart lady.

Hi all, It's been a long while since I've been on. Everything settled back down with my nan. Her arm healed and she, thankfully, got her independence back. I think the threat of her having to pay for carers spurred her on the road to recovery!! She had another fall last week and banged her head. She was fine, no blood or obvious injury but has now found out that she cracked a rib in the process. She has a walking frame to use around the house but she never uses it to go to the bathroom and this is where the fall happened. She also refuses to let me move her furniture to make the room safer and easier to move around in.... I am now visiting 3 times a week and sometimes taking her out to the supermarket or to shops like B&M and Poundland which she LOVES going to. She is 'desperatly lonely' despite having several friends in the complex she lives in but I just cannot manage more and I had to draw the line. With a job, husband and 2 kids, I was overwhelmed with all the people needing my attention!!! Hope you are all well - just catching up on the thread now x

Hello all, I feel astoundingly lucky.
(I have actually been away on hols! Do it while you can eh).

I was facing having to rearrange a social visit from POA4 because it would overlap with me staying with #2 while #3 had an op, but! #2's bouquet of medical issues has been blossoming, so #3 has called off the op again.

I got fairly good, while my parents were dying, at detaching if there wasn't anything I could reasonably do, so I am taking my cue from #2's philosophical attitude and not #3's bottomless capacity for worrying!

There is good news in one part at least, the new GP that got on #2's nerves has serendipitously gone on mat. leave.
And #2 is talking about getting a gardener and some sort of carer-type help in - I encouraged this heartily and said now was the rainy day they'd been saving for!

Compared to pretty much everyone here I am fortunate, but I lurk on here to pick up tips while praying fervently for good health for many years followed by a merciful aneurysm while asleep for all of them, as they live 1-2h drive away in 3 different directions...

It is so hard when the person you have known your whole life and know so well turns into a stranger.

MIL has always been 'difficult' and has often clashed with DH (they are way too similar to each other) but her sudden descent into total derangement, and believing such spiteful, horrible things about us, is really hitting him hard. It's strange because I've always thought of men as being less emotional and better at compartmentalising the different parts of their lives.

On the other hand he is a very practical person and is good at fixing things - he can't really cope with this situation that cannot be fixed, that you just have to wait for it to play out.

When a parent dies suddenly you have all the grief hit you at once, when they disappear into dementia you have the hit of losing them, but they are still there, but not there too - and sometimes giving you a bloody hard time for good measure. Grief gets mixed up with anger and guilt too. It's not easy but you have to process it and not let it corrode you.

I always had a bit of an up and down relationship with my DM, but I do remember going to see her and she was really pleased to see me. Then I realised she thought I was someone else, one of her cousins I think. It is painful.

A friend of ours had a terrible time with his DF, who he worshipped. He said that towards the end a good day was when he thought our friend was his brother.

It does help though to know that it is not a unique experience though, it makes you feel less inadequate.

Thank you everyone. I am feeling a bit better about it now. This is going to sound so ridiculous but I have nowhere else to witter about it so it's going here! Mum has always loved birthdays and loved to be involved in preparing and organising things - even if all she could do practically was use her debit card. I have a birthday coming up and I know that if I want to celebrate I have to organise it myself. My husband is wonderful but birthdays have absolutely no importance to him or his side of the family and it would never occur to him to organise any sort of surprise whereas if mum was still herself she and my daughter would have gone into overdrive. It's silly really because what I have planned for the weekend will be better and more relaxed and quite impossible if mum was still at home but I still feel childishly unhappy that my mum is not here and that she has forgotten I am her daughter!

Sorry to everyone handing the s£&# with elderlies.
🌺🌺hairbrush that must really hurt.
And to tonton and exe

Hairbrush the first time that mum thought I was a carer I went home and cried. The other times when I've been her sister/mother didn't feel as bad, it was that first time when you have to face up to just how confused they are. I am sorry.

TonTon I hated the phone calls but my worst was nowhere near as upsetting as what you are going through. Hopefully some sort of intervention is on the horizon.

Depending on some medicines , they can made some oldies a little doollalay ! My dm phoned my daughter once to tell her in confidence , that I had run away with a man , but had taken my exh hostage and had him tied up somewhere whilst we decided what to do with all her money we had stolen.

A friend's gran was in a home and she needed to drop some stuff off for her when we were off out together. I went with her. Gran thought I was my friend and she was her mum. Kept asking me about friend's children. My friend is 5 years younger than me!

I think I am being kicked off the bad daughter's bench. My daughter went to see DM today. She is very unhappy - apparently one woman constantly shouts at her to stop talking and they all go out dancing every evening and don't invite her. But she was insisting to my daughter that she doesn't have a daughter, only a son. My husband is her son and I am her daughter in law.

Compared to the anxieties and issues everyone is having I feel it barely warrants a raised eyebrow but it really hurts.

PermanentTemporary

Well, this is what we hope. The GP who rang us was very understanding, apart from anything else it was us who first alerted them to our concerns about MIL back in June.

In some ways I think we have been quite lucky in accessing help fairly quickly and efficiently, although there's still a long way to go.

We have been keeping a diary and have made our submission to the safeguarding board. They really need to try her on some anti-anxiety medication and hope it works.

Her intense distrust and hostility towards us is the major problem, and is making everything much harder for everyone. If it wasn't for that we would be able to manage things pretty well ourselves.

exexpat

Goodness it is desperate isn't it. It's alarming how many people think how hard can it be looking after an old? It can be utterly draining and you have no idea how long each phase is going to last.

Fingers crossed that a flat becomes available for you mum very soon.

Sometimes a crisis can be the best thing, if it finally gets something to happen that should have happened ages ago. Not pleasant while it is going on, but better afterwards.

I think we may be heading towards crisis point again here, after my mother's fall last week and need for lots of extra care and visits for the past week (not leaving the bedroom for days, so needing commode emptied and food/water brought to her).

It has all fallen on me and her cleaner/companion, apart from her regular twice-weekly visit by carers. I called the agency to try and get more carer visits booked, but they called me back today to say that a) they are so short staffed that there is no way they can do extra visits, and b) they have given me 28 days notice that they will be stopping the current two visits. Aargh. I have just yesterday put her name down for some lovely sheltered flats (she finally agreed to it after the fall last week) but there is very little chance she will be able to move into one within a month.

TonTon this sounds truly horrible perhaps the order will in fact precipitate a crisis. I'm actually quite shocked that an order like that can be put in place in that way. Presumably it could be reviewed? Do you want to write to the safeguard board so they can least put the letter on record?

Well, we pointed this out to the GP - we are all she's got, DH and me. She regularly rings up to complain that she can't do something (computer isn't working, can't find her prescription etc etc) but then refuses to let us go over and help.

I'm not sure what they do now but they will appoint an advocate for her,
and some neighbours are helping her do an online Tesco shop and will keep an eye.

She has consistently refused to allow GPs, dementia team discuss anything with us, so we are totally in the dark.

DH is finding it very difficult and upsetting too.

TonTon my DH’s family in a broadly similar but different ‘siege’ situation with MIL with fluctuating capacity although no order as she too far gone to think of that option. There’s has been in limbo since May and await an incident so it can be escalated to her being taken to care home. Are you looking at care homes yet? At least the SW team will have her in their immediate folder for attention. No fun at all for any of you.

That sounds horrible, @tontonmacoute. If you are banned from entering the house, does she have anyone else providing care, shopping etc? Or is she still going to demand that you turn up despite the order?

Thanks @OnthePiste, we have definitely done a bit telephone adjustment. There is nothing to be gained by her waking us up at the crack of dawn by phoning us! I have had to go and block her on my DDad’s phone as she keeps calling him too and he is finding it really upsetting (he is nearly 90).

She only rings us to let us know how terrible we are, tormenting her, treating her this way making her life hell. She just rants and rants and doesn’t listen to anything we say.

It’s horrible for us but it must really be awful for her as she genuinely believes we are doing this to her.

She has clearly now told the GP that we have been going into her house and are tampering with her computer and hiding things. The GP said all they can do is issue a safeguarding order to prevent us from going into her house, so that has now been done.

The doctor rang to tell us and is very understanding of the situation but it’s getting very surreal, this has happened over such a short time.

MIL also said the police had been to see her (she has been threatening to call them) but we have no idea if it’s true or not.

nota cat borrowing

Ooh, I like the sound of the Bad Daughter Hoodie Permanent. Does it have it written on the front, and 'no fucks given' on the reverse? Could see myself in one of them!

DM tells me she saw a mouse in her kitchen again, and asked what I could do about it. I've put at least two humane traps down in each room, but as soon as I leave she dicks about with them, triggering the mechanism. So I've got one of those plug in deterrents in each room, which she turns off. Not sure what else that leaves? (Last year she took to knocking on her neighbours doors asking if they had a cat she could borrow).