Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

Just peeping round the door, not quite sure if this is the right place because many of you seem to have far more significant problems than I do at the moment with my DF.

@TonTonMacoute, I really sympathise because MiL was like that for years. She was always suspicious of everything new and was convinced people were spying on her. She put brown parcel tape over all the screw holes on the TV remote and other gadgets. She thought someone was watching her through the VHS (it was a while ago). She also wrote long rambling letters to the chief constable of where she used to live, accusing him of spying on her and putting her under surveillance as a drug dealer. MiL wouldn't have recognised a drug if came with a large label saying "I'm a drug"! The Police were brilliant and not in the least bit bothered or accusatory towards her or us.

Old age certainly does not bring out the best in people. We have (still undiagnosed) dementia in the mix but it has turned MIL from someone who was okay, quite funny, but prone to harbour grudges into an absolute prize fucking bitch of the first order.

She says the most vile things how she has done so much for us (she has been generous over the last 20 years, but so have we) and we are so nasty, she wishes to god that she had never had DH (he is her only child) and we only want her money and want her to die (!) she says she has loads of friends in the village and no one likes us.

It’s just getting so hard to listen to this daily run down of hate, I know it’s her condition but you can’t help thinking that she has always thought this about us, it’s just now all social restraint had gone and she says what she thinks.

I can tell the stress is beginning to get to both of us now, I wake up every night with acid reflux and DH is reporting similar symptoms.

I can’t see an end to it and don’t know how we go on

I'm sorry you've experienced that Knot.

I suppose having not had the happiest marriage (spent most of it looking forward to the times ex wasn't around and getting a sinking feeling when I heard him pull up) I've not really had the experience of missing those things, other than very, very occasionally with something DD related.

My hobbies are all solo...mum doesn't really have any hobbies, doesn't read or particularly enjoy films so it's not easy for her to occupy herself or get out of her own head.

I feel guilty that I'm not more sympathetic but I've realised in the last few days that I'm burying a significant amount of anger towards her and can't rationalise in my head the mum that misses the man she was married to for just shy of 47 years, with the mum who was unkind when he was ill, obsessed over the carer and was signed up to online dating before he'd even passed away.

It's the sharing I miss, the little things that we'd discuss together. Friends are not the same because we don't have that thirty years of shared experience as a base.

There's no bringing them back, you just have to plod on the best you can. It's taken me four years to reach the stage where my life feels good, it takes time to build a new life even if you are able to get out and about.

I think that's the thing Dint, I am one of those rare people who loves being 'home alone'.

One of my friends jokingly said she'd come with on my holiday next year as DD isn't interested and our friend immediately said, "she'll be holed up with her laptop writing and happy as Larry" which sums it up.

It's just another example of how mum and I are polar opposites. My dad was lovely to be around and enjoyed socialising but was also very happy with his own company.

@Minty if you saw your DM all day everyday, it would still be not enough. I have found this out with my DM, I take her out minimum 3 times a week but she tells everyone she stays in on her own all day, every day, never goes anywhere. I don't know if she genuinely forgets or just likes to play the victim? I hope you are feeling a little better

Minty the loneliness might be that of an empty house. She has to make her own choices on that one, move somewhere with a communal area, have a cat or wait out the transition period until an empty house feels normal.

I know my Dad didn't expect to make it past his mid seventies - his mum died at 74, his dad in his forties when he was a toddler.

@Nodancingshoes

My mum has me on Thurs and Sunday, a friend on Tues, carer on Wed's. I phone her every day, another close but not local friend calls her 3x a week.

She is able to manage the Internet and is on social media...how much company does one person need?!

Absolutely @permanentTemporary. She often says she has lived too long. We are so missing a generation as my mum (her only child) died when she was 49. I know this has only made it more lonely for her

It is so unbearable to think of living this long. When I'm not feeling stressed about my mum I do feel for her. Just on 87 and her life is getting more restricted and limited every year. Hoping so much I don't live past 80.

@MintyCedric me too - I'd love a day by myself She has friends who she will meet most days for a chat - she lives in a retirement flat so there is a lounge. She walks up to town a couple of times a week and I visit 3 times, my sister twice. For 96 I dont think this is too bad but I know she is still lonely. This makes me feel like shit to be honest but I cannot go every day - my children need me too! I just wish she would try to be more positive

Thanks @Nodancingshoes

I can relate to what you're saying about your nan...my mum has similar complaints on a daily basis, but she'll do very little to help herself.

I'm sure most 82 year olds don't spend every single day meeting multiple people. She struggles even to spend one day a week on her own which baffles me as I'm such an introvert.

Thinking of you @Mintycedric. What a year you have had xxx

Oh god - I may have spoken too soon...nan had another small fall today whilst in her friends flat. No injuries but she is distraught. I couldnt get to her as have no car today so my sister and nephew went. She says she has nothing to live for, she is so lonely and bored, she's fit for the knackers yard etc etc... Of course I'm upset for her but do many 96 year olds have exciting lifes full of friends and activities?? I really dont think they do. I know I am being harsh but I just dont know what else to say i think she is in fairly good health for her age - no major illnesses, and she has several friends living very close by

Thanks all.

@Ilady it's good to hear about your friends recovery. Tbh I can't remember what 'normal' feels like even without factoring Covid into the last 18 months.

It's really hard to imagine a time when I'll feel relaxed and happy on a daily basis at the moment.

I felt a bit better yesterday afternoon but have barely moved off the sofa today and am still in my PJ's.

Hi Minty, sorry to hear about what happened. I know you have been coping with your dad's illness and his death. Then you had to deal with your mother and she has not been easy. I am glad you saw a GP that knew your back story. It good that you got medication and time off work to help you. Your better off not saying anything to your mother.

I watched a friend of mine in a very stressful situation a few years ago. They went to their doctor, got medication and time off work. They eat well, slept and within a few weeks felt a lot better. My friend actually looked for and got a better job within a few months after this.
I hope you feel better soon as you have been through a lot.

Minty I'm really sorry to hear that, take care of yourself. I wouldn't be telling your mum either, she's not going to support you through it is she? I am so glad that you managed to see a GP, they really came through for you there.

Hairbrush In your shoes I'd start by asking the homes that are closest whether they have any Welsh speaking residents. It's a good point you've raised but if there's any chance that one of the closest homes would also tick the language box then it's worth asking.

I am not visiting this week as I am Unwell. I'm more or less certain that I have the cold from hell, I've had two negative lateral flow tests but I'm sneezing and it's not just allergies. I don't have the right symptoms for a PCR test through the NHS but I'm part of a study and they offered me one. I've thought about it and because of mum I'm taking it. Throughout the last 18 months my big worry has been what would happen if I was sick because mum thought she was living independantly but it was all being held together by me. I am so thankful that I'm not having to weigh up the risks of infection vs not eating/not taking medication. I've been able to look after me while knowing that someone else is looking after her.

Sorry minty as dint says, don’t tell your mum and take this time. 🌺🌺

@IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere

I think you may be right to try for somewhere with Welsh speakers...it would probably help your mum feel more secure, and tbh reduce any pressure you feel within yourself to visit more frequently than you can handle.

Well, I lasted 3.5 weeks back at work. Have been struggling since last weekend and today on the way to work I had a massive panic attack and completely broke down.

Called best mate, then work. Tried to get to BMs place which was about 5 minutes drive away but couldn't. Luckily my GP surgery was en route so ended up parking on a yellow line and throwing myself into reception absolutely hysterical as was numb all over, shaking and couldn't breath.

Nurse settled me down and arranged for me to see GP within 10 minutes. It was one who knew the whole backstory about Dad etc and he was fabulous. Signed off for a minimum of two weeks, increased meds and has suggested I have bereavement counselling.

BM is self employed and bless her, cancelled the job she had on this morning to piece me back together.

Am not telling mum what's happened. I need the time and headspace to grieve and take care of myself.

She would say her Welsh isn't fluent but when she is with her brother or brother in law they speak Welsh all the time. I am beginning to think that fewer visits but a better environment is the way forward. I have dismissed a few homes because they are further away from us but I'm beginning to think I need to consider a different area.

I visited weekly when my DM had an inkling who I was but I’ve drifted to a fortnightly visit and during the visit I FaceTime my brother and sister as they both live in different countries. My DM tunes in to the family chat and I like to imagine the speech pattens still resonate in some way. No harm hairbrush visiting one that’s further away to see if you feel the extra distance just makes sense fir her circumstances . I’m a 20 min drive.