Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

I am actually sickened by this. I am not in great health myself, I have a DS, what if she went to the police and they actually believed her? She has brothers and is having a weird emotional affair with her married exbf from 30 years ago and she never ever accused them of anything, it is only ever me. I have never done anything bad to her, but I have certainly witnessed her be violent to an ex so I would worry about her attacking my husband or my DS. I wish I had emigrated years ago.

How is she now sasparilla?

My mum isn't well and although that's not great, at least I know for sure that her being back somewhere near me was the right decision. It's probably only a bug but I don't think she's eaten or drunk for 24 hours or so, obviously didn't tell anyone or answer the phone but then she's quite confused this morning, it's just lucky that I was coming over for my visit whatever her response or lack of. The rest of my weekend is shot to pieces and I need to find a bit of emergency care I think.

Oh, your poor DM sasparilla, that's terrible. The worship of our brave NHS heroes is often stretched to breaking point when you have an elderly parent in hospital.

I'm just trying to catch up with everyone's situation, so apologies if I'm not there yet.

BinaryDot that sounds much better for, although still quite a large commitment. I hope you continue to decompress.

Knotaknitter you're dealing with DM and DMIL?! Wow.....

DM has had an awful night in hospital and I've been absolutely furious about it. She has COPD, heart failure and kidney failure, as well as suffering the effects from several brain aneurysms 11 years ago. They have her on diuretics but have removed her catheter so she needs the loo a lot. They keep her waiting for the commode, and then leave her stuck there for ages! She spent most of last night absolutely freezing cold, and sat up wide awake because of it. She's been made to feel like complete nuisance by the over night nursing staff.

Anyway, the care package will be in place very shortly and we should be able to bring her home tomorrow.

Malbecfan your DF sounds very much like my DF, although mine can't do anything too physical due to a crumbling spine. Otherwise, literally the same - repeating things, forgetting words etc etc.

Welcome all, there's plenty of room for everyone.

Hairbrush I'm glad to hear that there is some progress. I feel guilty if I haven't seen mum twice a week but the visits are for my benefit not hers. I didn't see her for over a week because I was ill and she didn't notice. She still knows my name but I'm not convinced that she knows I'm her daughter.

Dot my life has changed since mum moved into a care home and as MIL started zigzagging between hospital and home and finally care home at the same time I've ended up with no caring responsibilities. The joy of doing just my own shopping!

MIL is putting some weight back on because she wasn't interested in eating when she was at home and mum is wearing clean clothes and gets a shower on a regular basis (she genuinely believed she'd showered that morning although the spider webs called that one). I really wish that both of them had been able to see that they weren't coping and moved six months earlier before they had declined so much but we can't change the past. It was their choice to make and they chose to trudge on.

I have to organise a visit out because I need to have mum's signature witnessed. Her pension provider likes to know that she's still alive and the witness can't be a member of care home staff. I think it's easier to take mum out than to get a witness in.

I have started clearing mum's house but I'm starting with things that should have gone twenty years ago - the dried up bottles in the outhouse, the not-spicy spices, the leaking tins at the back of the shelf.

@BinaryDot

It's a weird one isn't it? Mum was great when I was a kid but as soon as I was old enough to seek independence and have my own opinions things went sideways.

She's always been a great help practically (and financially ) and she does have her moments, but I guess as an adult Dad was more my emotional support parent. I could tell him anything and he didn't give me the third degree/judge/try to fix anything, just listened and comforted and let me figure stuff out in my own time and way.

Mum will be "well if you just..." and "you know what you want to do..." (yes, and it's not what you're about to tell me).

She is also of the Swedish Death Cleaning persuasion...perhaps there is a type?!

Really good news hairbrush, for all of you.

TonTon that sounds very harsh, I hope you can detach to protect yourself. I don’t think people with dementia are simply saying what they always secretly thought – they are in a different world.

Minty I have the same dynamic with my Mum, she didn’t want to be on her own and I have always wanted to be on my own (which is not the same thing as lonely – I’m never lonely). No-one can really solve someone else’s inner loneliness, even if they want to and many daughters like us spend a lot of time trying before we learn. Glad yours is actually acknowledging your help, however lukewarm she is.

Toofar I feel for you with the house clearing job it’s something that’s always waiting for adult children and everyone has to go through that sad discovery of what’s now past. Exception being my DM who has seemingly Swedish Death Cleaned the house – she could have done that as a job: Death Cleaner has vacancies – reasonable rates.

Thank you for the sunroom Dint, I have brought a small wicker lounge chair to go in it.

DM is bobbing along in the care home, it’s reached a kind of stasis now and I’m decompressing a bit. Am travelling a few hundred miles every month to see her – sometimes for a few days, sometimes just a weekend - have been taking friends with me and we’re going to take her out next time. I don’t know how her mild cognitive impairment i.e. early dementia will progress and what her sense of time is like or how her enjoyment of things will go. I’m really busy as it’s term time but my god it’s nothing like before the care home. It may only have saved her physically but it’s certainly saved me mentally.

Oh @Malbecfan that sounds like an excelkent advert for only childhood!

I spoke to my mum this evening and she acknowledged for the first time I think...that I have helped her over the last 18 months.

I promptly burst into tears, and once the call was finished spent another 20 minutes sobbing to my best mate about pretty much everything.

I thought I was fine until last week, now I'm realising very rapidly how much I was internalising and needed this time off to myself.

Thanks all. My DF is 86 and mostly amazing (just helped by shovelling all the grass I cut into the compost bins) but is increasingly forgetful & keeps repeating the same old things. He is the only grandparent my DDs have left. He dotes on them & misses them when they are at uni. I am working p/t and trying to spend my days off with him whilst he can still remember and enjoy the time, but it is relentless. I really feel for those of you in a worse position, especially @TonTonMacoute

DF lives alone in a flat 230 miles away with a great circle of friends and his DSis and DB nearby. However, he spent from March 2020 to April 2021 with us other than a couple of weeks in July 2020. He gets on well with my neighbours but it's not quite the same as having his friends around. When my DDs are home from uni, the load is shared, but they are both back now (and I don't for a moment begrudge them that). I have a sister who is completely bonkers, who lives abroad and makes out that she is the most caring person. She is also a conspiracy theorist, anti-vaxer and flat earther, so there is no reasoning with her. DF wants to be fair to both of us, but for the last 19 months, I have borne the brunt of the work. She bleats from the sidelines about how hard done by she is. I could go on but won't.

Hello all, it’s a very long time since I’ve been on these threads, although I still recognise a few names.

My DM is relatively settled in that she’s been in a care home for over 2 years. She has dementia and is not happy - all she can talk about is wanting to go home, but we know from previous experience this will not work.

The reason I’ve popped my head into the Cafe is that we’re now selling her house ( we have todo this for various reasons) so I’m trying to clear it out, but I am finding it so, so hard. The house has been in the family for over 50 years, I spent every summer there for 20 years and considered it my “home” for 5 years (and I still think of it as home now).

My Dsis has helped for a couple of days, but finds it too difficult to help more ( we both live more than 5 hours away). I’ve been there again this week emptying her wardrobe and it was so sad - this was a woman who so loved clothes and being “smart”, and the wardrobes are full of these beautiful clothes, often still with their labels on. It made me realise how much I miss the woman DM used to be, and gave me a bit of an existential crisis of “what is it all for?”.

Sorry for the pity party but I just needed to get it out.

@TonTonMacoute - you sound to be somewhere very similar to where I was two and a half years ago, although I think you’re in a harder position because the accusations are being made against you. When DM had her first fall and was admitted to hospital, social services called me because DM said she’d fallen because her neighbour hit her. I knew that the neighbours had had to lift her and that (plus warfarin) was why she was heavily bruised.

A lovely A&E doctor explained to me about “confabulation” - patients with dementia make up stories to fill the gaps in their memories. They really believe they are true, but that doesn’t help the people they’re making up stories about. Unfortunately I’ve found that a crisis, a d being really firm with social services that you’re not going to pick up the pieces, is the only way to get things “fixed”

Hello !

Very new to this "elderly and infirm parents" thing, as despite DM being 81 and ill for ages my DF (79) as always managed to cope with a small amount of extra support. Not so now!

So hello to all....

That sounds very positive hairbrush, fingers crossed for you.

I agree with PPs that your DMs day to day contentment is probably worth it even if it means you visiting her bit less often.

When I phoned this morning to ask about visiting I was encouraged to make an appointment to look around which I will do before anything is confirmed but when I told my friend she insisted we went out for a drive to see the outside.

Great news hairbrush go for it.
Welcome malbec
tonton sorry no answers but lots of sympathy.

Wonderful news hairbrush, I hope it works out

Tonton it really sounds unbearable. No direct experience so I won't go on. Really feeling for you both.

hairbrush the positive reaction you had from the nursing home drive past is very encouraging. Would they not let you over the threshold? But in the circumstances sometimes you just have to make a leap of faith. Lots of boxes ticked.
Ton Rapid escalation seems inevitable. Medication might return her more compliant. Before my DM was sectioned she threw a glass of water over my DF and was banging on windows and doors to get out. She slapped a doctor across his face. Violence appeared from nowhere in 48 hrs.

Amazing news. It sounds spot on. Let's hope she goes for it

Hello @Malbecfan the wonderful thing about this place is that everyone else's issues put our own into perspective. And no one ever judges or says you are worrying about nothing.

I am writing with good news! I have had a phone call from the hospital and there is a place in a nursing home that is willing and able to receive mother should be agreeable. I have spoken to the home, looked on line and my friend insisted that we drove to look at it.

Everything is positive - they have Welsh speaking staff, pets are welcome by arrangement so she would be able to see her dog occasionally, the Care Inspection is wholly positive - except it is a 20 minute drive or an hour and 20 mins by bus - two buses and a half mile walk down a long narrow country lane which I am not completely at ease about. However visiting allows for two people at a time and I have wonderful friends and family who want to see her regularly and would be willing to take me.

My friend drove me out to look at the outside this afternoon and I would quite like to live there myself!

I have tentatively told the hospital that we would be happy for her to go there even though it isn't really where we wanted her to be. I think I would rather she was there with one visit from me a week and the option of family and friends being able to visit than to leave her in hospital and maybe in 6 weeks/6 months be forced to see her in a much less attractive environment. Fingers crossed.

MIL hates us, really deeply despises and dislikes us (or so her condition makes her think).

I know that often Alzheimer's sufferers do become violent, and this a sort of emotional violence, and I was wondering if anyone else had experienced such a harsh rejection by a parent?

Bloody hell @TonTonMacoute There's a limit to what I'd tolerate. And I think that may well cross the line for me.

Thanks Malbecfan

MIL rang this morning to accuse me of using her bank card and is threatening to prosecute. We've got to the stage when we think 'Go right ahead!' It might bring things to a head in terms of moving to the next stage.