Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

Small rant if I may?

Along with many other people I'm having a bit of a crap year. I work full time and after a pandemic induced restructure at work, the promise of a reduction in workload to reflect my smaller team has failed to materialise. A complaint against my team made in January still has not been fully resolved despite being investigated and no fault attached to any individual person.

And, since January I have helped both children move, one twice because of an issue with her uni accommodation. I am knackered and I have no annual leave left.

MIL is going to be moving into a care home in around two weeks time. I have said several times to my DH that I will help but I am not taking any time off work (because I don't have any leave left to take) and I am not going to hire a van or move furniture nor am I going to clean my MILs flat because when she moved from her house to her flat I spent far too much of my time cleaning so it could go on the market. I would rather pay her cleaner to do a post move clean and pay for a man with a van to move the furniture.

She is moving in just over two weeks. Has my "d" h organised anything? No he bloody hasn't and he's just asked if I can take the day off to help.....

Love this. Mine would be played by Sian Phillips or Sheila Hancock with a touch of Dame Maggie Smith.
I’d like to be played by Meryl Streep in Mamma Mia. In my dreams.

Please write a play Minty, you write well.

Patricia Routledge to play mine too.
Julia Roberts in her prime to play me!
I've read 'Toast' . It's incredibly moving and very well written.
Minty writing a play is a fabulous idea.

@thesandwich

She's the gift I'd like to regift to someone else or donate to the church Christmas Fayre...

Saw Miriam margolyes doing dickens women- brilliant!
minty your m is the gift that keeps on giving…..

I'm halfway through Miriam Margolyes' autobiography... it's quite, um, enlightening.

Kathy Burke...not Kathy Bates...😆

Patricia Routledge channelling Miriam Margolyes with a touch of Stephanie Cole would probably do it.

I'll be played by Reese Witherspoon channelling Kathy Bates.

Trying to get hold of GP surgery at the mo as my sick note has failed to turn up. After 12 calls this morning to an engaged tone I got through to no 7 in the queue. Took 20 minutes to reach no 1 and I'm still holding 25 minutes later but daren't hang up.

Pffft!

Minty Who would you want to play your DM in the play you will eventually write? I think that's the way too look at it. Do you remember the play Toast about Nigel Slater's life? Genuinely, you have the material to do something similar but very different. Still try to be good to yourself.

Evening all...glad you've got some support in place @thesandwich...time to put yourself first for the foreseeable.

Huge row with mum this evening. After having a complete breakdown a fortnight ago re lack of communication from L between visits, and agreeing she needed to wean herself off him, the sun is now shining out of his arse once more.

She is redoing her will and left him some items which are not particularly valuable in themselves but he already has a similar collection to add them to.

To say I was not amused is an understatement, cue the usual 'I can't help how I feel/understand why you have a problem with the situation/it's nothing to do with you...etc...' rounded off by threatening to disinherit me and leave everything to him if I report him to the agency.

So that's nice.

...so my healthy 'being good to myself ' routine I've been working so hard on for the last year went to pot a bit.

It won't surprise you to read that I'm just about to pick up a substantial Maccy Ds and have wine chilling in the fridge for when I get home.

Good luck to you, Sandwich, for the start of treatment. I hope it goes smoothly and that you can keep up the self-preservation tactics afterwards.

I'm making slow but steady progress on various fronts: found a new care agency for DM after the old one gave us notice; put in application for sheltered flat, though we are not expecting to get lucky first time round; had a session with an antique dealer at the house to talk about probate valuations and eventual house clearance, and so on, but there is always more stuff adding itself to the list, including some major issues from lack of house maintenance/shoddy work by recent builders when my parents weren't really fit to keep a close eye on them.

But on the plus side, DM hasn't taken to the wine again (yet), and we've heard that she will be getting a very substantial widow's pension from late DF's pension fund, so it won't be a problem to pay for a posh sheltered flat, and eventually a care home if necessary.

Onwards, everyone.

Thank you all. I completely get the fragility of the Teflon veneer…. So far it’s holding but I know too well how that one call could make it crumble…… and how all the good will of others could melt.
nota so glad you’ve had a break.
best hope your dm is on the mend. And that burden of things to fix…..
I’m busy compiling a list of things for dm while I’m out of action/ isolating- it’s everything from paying the papers/ milkman/ watering plants/ ordering meds/ filling fridge/ cupboards etc etc…….
Oh and add all the finding birthday cards etc etc……….
Ooh yes and the gas boiler needs servicing……..

not it does seem overwhelming at times. After DF died we realised that they hadn’t spent money maintaining the house for years and there were lots of big and little jobs needing doing. And one thing seemed to lead to another. I still need to sort out a plasterer for the kitchen ceiling after they ignored a leaking flat roof for years. We’ve sorted the roof itself, several windows and doors, had the gas fire repaired at least 3 times, replaced the cooker. And none of these jobs are simple because everything is outdated now and replacing breaks some regulation or other. I dread the gas fire breaking again because it is integral to the boiler and the whole thing will need to be replaced.
It is never ending.

I spent 5 hours yesterday in minor injuries because DM had a fall in the garden. A hip and an ankle X-ray showed nothing damaged fortunately though she is sore. She forgot to press her lifeline button and crawled up the garden path to the house and only told me the following day because she was in pain. And to get her to take painkillers is such a battle. MIU were excellent though and did a full check of her BP and an ECG and have referred her to OT and written to her GP.

thesandwich look after yourself

I know what you mean Words. No matter how much you have put in place to provide support, the veneer of Teflon is often very thin.

Just checking in to the cafe from afar.

Will be thinking of you next week @thesandwich. So very glad your mother is being ok about it all. Let others step up now regarding her care!

Quick update from me: had a phone call last week from the home to say mother had been found unresponsive ( which seems to mean anything from hard to rouse to not dead but nearly) with low sats and low bp and a raised temperature. Was taken to hospital and there followed 48 hours of radio silence as no one updated me and couldn't get through either to the ward or the hospital switchboard. Eventually she was moved and communication with the nursing staff established. All now seems resolved and she is back at the home.

This coincided with a couple of other stressors ( doesn't it always!) and so my healthy 'being good to myself ' routine I've been working so hard on for the last year went to pot a bit.

I've realised that even now, with my mother's daily needs thankfully no longer my responsibility; and the pandemic giving me a breathing space and opportunity to re set the visiting expectations from weekly to at least monthly - I still seem to lack emotional resilience when it comes to anything to do with her, and it can become a bit of a downward spiral. I really wish it didn't!

Nota I've found that these things come in their own time and (if you can) it's easier to wait and tackle them when you are ready. I've spent months not being able to face dealing with banks and the LPA so I didn't. I have a joint account with mum and there was enough in there to pay care fees so I had the luxury of being able to wait until I'd wound down enough to deal with it.

The loss in mum's language is really marked now, she's not put a coherent sentence together in months. Now just about all the words are random, the saving grace is that there's no frustration, she doesn't know that the words she's saying are the wrong ones. I am finding visiting difficult but it's only a couple of hours a week and the rest of my life is blissful so I'll keep on.

Week two of being on holiday and I seem to have de-stressed enough to try and deal with some of the stuff I need to sort for DM that I was finding overwhelming - finding a new gardener, someone to fit a gas fire, etc.

Sorry to hear your news @thesandwich. I do hope your surgery goes well and your treatment is bearable. My close friend has just finished chemo after lumpectomy and she found it much easier to deal with than she imagined. Take care of yourself and let everyone else take over care of dm.

Thanks knot. Wise words.

This is the time when people will offer halp, when the news is raw and fresh. Recruit those vistors now. In my own crisis I didn't want thoughts and prayers so much as I wanted someone to help me clean out the garage. I could manage tea and tears on my own, what I needed was someone to help me with things that I couldn't do alone. The thing is, people aren't mind readers and you have to tell them what it is that you would find helpful. If you've been used to putting yourself last it's not that easy to say what you want.

Thanks permanent and mum
It’s very strange how people show their colours…. Most friends amazing, one or two absent, many acquaintances so supportive and helpful.
Some offering to visit dm! And siblings….. one brill, two……. Weeelllll….
Really appreciate the support here.

Sorry to hear your nex Sandwich

Sandwich show the big C your Teflon coating and tell it that it can take its Attendance Allowance and do one. Keep your humour as it’s a great strength.

My goodness sandwich, what a thing to deal with. Best wishes for your focus and for getting through treatment ok.

Thank you all 🌺🌺