Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

That sounds so lovely Mere...I'm sure I don't need to tell you to treasure these moments.

I don't think I can remember the last really compos mentis convo I had with my Dad. I think it was just before he went into the home, when he demanded seconds of Angel Delight for pudding .

Thank you all mum has been admitted. Huge relief. Discharge Plan B starts tomorrow.

@PermanentTemporary hope you get it sorted soon...I can't imagine how they can refuse to have her back under the circumstances.

I just had a called from my mum which began "Minty? Where are you? I haven't spoken to anyone since yesterday I could have been laying here dead all day and no-one would know."

An acquaintance died suddenly last week and its obviously thrown her through a loop which I understand but the way she rattled off that monologue .

Anyway, she's going to message me every morning to let me know she's made it through the night.

She forgot that it was supposed to be that way round (rather than me calling her) before the end of the call so God knows how this is gonna go..

Exactly @toofaroutofmylife. And @permanenttemporary, resist all suggestions that she comes to you. If you are worried they are thinking of discharging without a proper plan, 'unsafe discharge' are the magic words.

Who has indicated the home would not have her back?

@PermanentTemporary I read back and saw your mum was at the care home on a trial basis. I don’t think the hospital can insist on discharging her without a sustainable plan. When we were going through this there was a complex needs discharge team at the hospital who worked with adult social services. It took a long time because a lot of homes refused to take DM (aka “we can’t meet her needs”). It’s hard work, but resist any suggestion that you’re the solution!

Not posted in a while but following all of your trials and tribulations. My DF is off his medication following his fall & hospital stay a year ago and doing much better. Still happy to have his cleaner twice a week which frees me up to take him out and about. On the other hand FIL is struggling more and slowly coming round to idea that it would be easier to be a bit closer to us but I don't know how many more late night/ early morning (it's never during the day is it?) summons to DH for varying levels of crises it will take to convince him.
DH & I consider ourselves quite expert on house clearance having done his gran, my aunt's 2 houses and downsized both DF. with his Grans his dad couldn't face it and told us what he wanted (1 piece of furniture and some paintings) I think we kept 1 thing & sold a lot on eBay. (Rest was split between numerous trips to the charity shop & the tip) We took the DC to Disneyland Paris with the money, we have lovely memories that we can credit to great-granny rather some outlandish ornaments, what my mum would call "a harbour for stoor". With my aunt I basically did a sweep, brought papers, photos etc home to do when I was ready then used house clearers. She had some beautiful things that never saw the light of day. It's changed my attitude to keeping things for best.

When my mum died ( November ) we drained down the system . I lived far enough away to not return for a few months to find the front of the white goods in there had begun to rust . Thankfully the house didn't smell damp or musty.

Permanent the nursing home shouldn't refuse to have her back? She fell on their watch and so wasn't properly recognised as falls risk. When my DM fell and admitted to hospital they gave her oxygen pre and post operation. Those hours I spent with her, with the additional oxygen, were among the best in the previous years. For some reason she was almost lucid and we had periods of golden time. She could remember our names and asked how we were. Never happened since.

Feeling the stress levels now. Mum has now fallen and gone to hospital twice in 48 hours. Nursing home likely to refuse to have her back but the hospital may insist. No idea what is going to happen or even what should happen.

I'm very fortunate on the energy front...I'm with British Gas and being in a terrace I only need to put my heating on for about an hour and the whole house stays warm for the evening/half a day.

Need to replace the loft hatch though (I take it out in summer so the heat rises keeps the house cool) and stick the winter duvets on.

Mum's place is at a minimum of 25 degrees...not great when my menopausal, permanently stressed self is paying a visit.

Having a lazy one today, as its my last week before I'm at Mum's beck and call, and have been invited into work tomorrow for a little send off and to collect my stuff.

Glad to hear about the Teflon @Words and I'm interested to read house clearing experiences.

Dint I had my pump saga before the heating went off, it was scary because it was stuck and running constantly. It was very hot before I found it and I was convinced the house was going to burn down (I used to catastrophize just as much as mum but I'm a bit better now). I'm currently in a compromise where I put the heating on when my son is home from uni and turn it off when it's just me. I try to hold out until the clocks change.

When I was speaking to the insurer about mum's house being empty, it's a condition that the heating be on from November.

Hello all. I am back from my break with Teflon fully re applied Roasted a chicken and am now happily consuming it, with the log burner and my cats all providing a comforting presence.

Came back to a pile of paperwork relating to mother's finances and just took a deep breath and ploughed through it. Nothing actually needs doing, or deciding, thankfully. I will book a visit for next weekend. I've just realised it's been some weeks longer than I thought since the last one!

Re house clearance. This was down to me single handedly.It wasn't a cluttered house but there was a fair amount of stuff. I hired a house clearance company and they sorted it all in a day. Better bits of furniture were collected by the British Heart Foundation. There was very little that was to my taste, ( apart from the odd thing I found and thought 'oh that's nice! Then realised I'd given it as a present! ' ) so I kept little. Papers and photographs and slides I largely rescued.

It was nevertheless melancholy and somewhat traumatic and there are one or two things I wish I had kept, but at the end of the day, it's just stuff.

As it was a bit of a Stately Homes situation, although I dealt with the practicalities, processing it has taken a lot longer - still going on I think over two years later. It really stirred the silt in the bottom of the pond, if you see what I mean.

@thesandwich - counselling sounds a very sensible idea. I've found it's important you like the person so if the first person or organisation doesn't feel thé right fit, and you feel up to it, do look further.

It's always good to learn new techniques for the application ( and removal as necessary) of the Teflon, and help in processing the big stuff - whether it's cancer-related or not, isn't it.

I'm refusing to clean or sort at my DMs because I get moaned at for months or years after & accused of throwing things out.

DM stands within a foot of me to scrunitise anything that I do, such as sorting cupboards, and will complain bitterly if I throw things out. She seems to be suspicious of me trying to steal the family silver or something. It makes it so hard to keep on top of things in her house.

TonTon our local food bank is run by an evangelical church and they also take furniture and household equipment for people who literally have nothing.

My DF is very good at getting rid of stuff, although he does try to give me quite a lot of stuff I don't want , so there won't be too much clearing out there when the time comes.

I think a big clear out is a lot easier when there is more than one of you. When we moved MIL out of the big family home 5 years ago we just had our two cars, back seats down, backs open, and we filled one with stuff for the charity shop and one for the tip, then set off in different directions, and returned empty for the next loads.

However, it comes to the point when you give up sorting through it all, piece by piece, and just want rid. Another good way is see if you can book a charity shop pick up. We booked one and had a load of stuff ready for them, but when they arrived they had a rummage around and took loads of other stuff too.

Someone I know set up a charity to help out people who have been given social housing but who have nothing at all to put in it. She will take all sorts and either pass it on to clients or sell it to raise funds. She is based in Truro, if that helps anyone, but there might be similar organisations locally to you who will take all sorts of stuff.

@thesandwich absolutely - get access to counselling if you can. My lovely counsellor once sat there after about 40 minutes of me downloading (mainly about DM but other stuff too), and said “toofar, do I get the feeling that your cancer diagnosis is the least of your problems?”

Thank you toofarout means a lot. I’m sorry to hear you’ve lost some of your resilience. And I’m so glad you went for a walk.
I’m considering counselling via a local breast cancer charity…. Think I might need it.
With house sorting- could you use the Marie kondo idea of what sparks joy for you? Or get packers to box stuff up and apse if you miss it? Outsource everything.
Dh and siblings had to clear his dps house while fil was still alive in care.
Got through via hiring a skip and humour…… hiding the ghastliness ornaments in each others keep boxes…

Blimey, this is rubbish, isn’t it?

@thesandwich - I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, and your messages of “protect yourself” are really valuable - thank you

I was diagnosed with vulval cancer, probably at the peak of my crises with DM. It does make you better at saying no to things. But I look back now to how I was 2 years ago, and even despite the cancer and the crises I was so much more resilient than I am now.

Back at DM’s house today, putting more things in boxes. But I’m very near the point of giving up and getting house clearers in. I realised today I was getting stressed at the prospect of “letting people down” in how I deal with this stuff, which is my normal anxiety trigger. But who? Not DM, who has no use for this stuff any more, or Dsis, who really doesn’t care. I think it’s the weight of family history, which is bloody stupid as I’m the only one who cares about that too.

So I gave up and went for a nice walk instead

Watching the dementia documentary it was apparent that the carers were getting really desperate. More so than the people with dementia in some ways.

I got shouted at this week when I suggested carers. I pointed out I'd just been told DM had struggled for hours to get dressed. She was very unhappy with me but after weeks of been told to get a grip, I wasn't in the mood to be yelled at...

Hi all. Sorry to hear all the challenges folk are dealing with.
nota sorry you didn’t escape stuff on holiday. Care home seems the best solution. Protect yourself. 🌺🌺