Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

We have been having a major sort out at home , mainly due to moving in 9 years ago , and still having boxes just stored and not unpacked.
Literally hundreds of books have either gone to the charity shop or given to a 2nd hand bookseller.
Lots of clothes have also gone to the charity shop.
My mum died 8 years ago , and although I sorted her house , a few obligatory boxes took up residence here. Today I've sorted them, shredded all her paperwork / probate paperwork and even thrown away a handbag of hers that included her front door keys. Oh and chucked out her address book. Today has been a big day for me.

I've reduced my visits which were weekly when she was at home, devouring 25 to 50 per cent of every single weekend, to monthly or a bit longer since restrictions were lifted.

She managed for many months without my visits during lockdown. I absolutely blossomed with relief during this time, and you have seen the kind of tragi- comic thing that happens when I do visit, so I feel no guilt.

Her needs are met, and she is safe.

I am so over this lark. My lovely Dad was much older, and so I've had this responsibility of aging parents consecutively for almost 20 years now. He was a delight to visit, even with impaired cognition at the end, and his face would light up when he saw me.

OK Knot that's really sad,but you've still got a fair bit on your plate and in the nicest possible way it doesn't sound like the second visit is benefitting anyone.

My DM always gets chatty just as I am ready to leave.

That feeling of not ever doing enough whilst tying yourself in knots to do the whatever is souldestroying. I've given up jobs to pootle home for weeks on end and no-one actually remembers or indeed registered that I did that, only that I live too far away.

Anyway, I have a day of ferrying to do tomorrow. My lovely DH has actually offered to go instead, which was appreciated. Loins girded!

I don't like visiting, mum can't hear me but that doesn't matter much when she can't understand me either. "Where are your shoes?" Put the hankie in your pocket" are too complicated. Her face lights up when she sees me but an hour after I've left, I've never been. We've nothing to talk about, she can't remember what she had for lunch, can't remember waking up in the morning, can't remember how many children she had. I find it really distressing, I usually have nightmares the night before and I'm wobbly for an hour afterwards.

I've decided that I'm going to visit once a week rather than twice. I'm seeing MIL once a week as her daughter and brother can't get and I'm working my way through mum's house at least once a week. (See - I'm having to justify this to myself.) The reality is that I'd rather lose one night's sleep than two. Before the fall mum was confused and repetitive but she was still the same person she'd always been. Since then she is a stranger, there's not so much as a flash of her former self.

@TonTonMacoute

That must be so tough. I genuinely don't believe that people who have never had to deal with this kind of thing understand the mental and emotional impact.

My mum is constantly telling me that I'm not doing enough whilst I feel I'm giving way more than should be reasonably expected...that constant pressure alone is draining without the rest of it.

Mere your Dad sounds so lovely and not unlike mine. We had some cracking random conversations over the last 6 months of his life and he was just so easy to be around 99% of the time.

I try not to think of the possibility that mum will also have a long drawn out decline and...well, I just can't tbh. She just wouldn't cope (I mean, even worse than now ).

I spoke to my former boss today and she's currently dealing with 3/4 parents/inlaws with dementia of some variety. Doesn't bear thinking about.

I guess it's easier for me as it's my MIL - my mother was relatively straight forward to deal with - but the situation with MIL has totally knocked the stuffing out of DH, he is finding it harder to deal with each day and it's a constant drain on his emotional energy.

I suspect that it's because you have to do this stuff, you can't not do it, even though it will change nothing.

I do sympathise strongly though.

We have heard nothing from MIL for several days, and she seems to have gone very quite in her online communications with others too. The advice from adult social care was to back right off and wait for a crisis to trigger the next stage of intervention!

Maybe that's the best thing to do, but common humanity makes you want to see if she's ok, check if she needs any shopping or a prescription re ordered, or how is she coping with her Covid booster/ flu jab, even if you get slapped down for it.

The trick is learning not to mind

Indeed. Mostly I don't, and find a certain black comedy in the situation. But few people are permanently robust, and when the Teflon is permeated, it can still hurt.

You're right though. She has always been a moaner.

No point in expecting that to change at this late stage. But the web is so tangled that a tiny piece of me does. It's impossible to rationalise or explain really.

She just looked coldly at me and said things had been difficult recently for her, too.

Oh god, the competitive victim hood 🤦‍♀️! That is MIL all over.

You don't need Teflon, you need to figure out what is really happening here. Maybe she gets a weird sort of pleasure in moaning on like this. Or if not pleasure exactly, it sounds like that might be what she considers normal, and she's not as miserable about it as you are, in which case you might find it easier to bear by not taking it to heart so much, and try to detach yourself emotionally.

If not then I agree with dint, there is no point in duty visits which make both of you distressed and unhappy, so cut down on them and damn what anyone else might think.

If someone doesn't want to be happy, you can't make them happy and you can only leave them to get on and be miserable. The trick is learning not to mind.

We are already at the 'as required' stage

I can guarantee it will go something like this:

W ( cheerily) Hello Mum! How lovely to see you! You're looking well.

M: Oh. Am I I? (Pause) I'm not feeling well. Not feeling well. At. All. No. NOT Well.

W: Oh dear. I'm sorry to hear that. I was told you were much better now! You look very well!

M: ( Disappointed ) Oh. ( then something occurs to her and she brightens) I haven't had my vaccine yet, you know! No vaccine !

W: You did Mum, but it was a while ago now. How's your friend Gladys?

M: (Rolls eyes, shrugs) Who? I can't remem... Oh, Gladys? Dead. She went and died. Dead. Only one in here I could speak to, that Gladys... Just my luck. I don't like it in here much. Didn't like her much either to be honest. She was an odd woman. Peculiar. But she was the only one I could talk to.

W: ( desperately trying to change the subject) Ahh, that's a shame. The food looks really good though. What did you have for dinner yesterday?

M: Can't remember.

W: Oh ok what about lunch just now? What did you have?

M: Can't remember.

At this point, in a very similar exchange in RL, I glance out of the window behind her and to my horror, notice an unmarked black van reversing up to the entrance.

^A couple of burly men in black overcoats disappear into the care home foyer, reappearing shortly, wheeling a body bag on a gurney. They load it reverently into the van and drive slowly away.
^
W: ( frantic by now) Ermm oh look Mum, here's a picture of my cat Maisie, remember? ^
^
I hand- her my IPad. She touches the screen and the picture instantly minimises.

M: Can't see anything. Useless, those machines are. Useless. (Hands back iPad) I've got something wrong with my eyes, you know. I need...

W: ...Well, anyway, guess what Maisie did? She brought a mouse in last night and hid it in my slipper!

M : ( momentary flicker of interest, then) : You know, I'll never get over Dinky dying, never. Never get over that. I was never the same after Dinky died. Never.

(W, beginning to feel a familiar sense of defeat at this point, falls silent.)

M: ( perking up) Anyway, Words, there's something I want you to do for me. I need some more socks. And knickers. And vests. And my watch needs a new battery. And I need some more cash to have my hair and nails done. ( glances down at hands, extends fingers) Look at that! Dreadful state my nails are in. Dreadful.

Then she looks very pointedly at the clock on the wall, the one with the helpfully large numerals. She clears her throat, shifts in her seat and drains her cup of tea. ^
^
In comes the care assistant, beaming. "Time's up! I bet you^^ two had a lovely chat, didn't you! "

Words' duty is done. For now.

Thanks for the Teflon, ladies. I have already applied several layers of undercoat!

monkey in a typically melodramatic gesture my mother gave her wedding dress to the rag and bone man. ( Showing my age here.) I don't know what precipitated that. I was a small child at the time.

On reflection, perhaps the wedding nostalgia I tried to foster was not the way to go! My parents remained together relatively happily in their latter years, and I thought it might provoke some - any - memories, but no.

Long before dementia kicked in my DM wanted to show me photo albums of her boyfriends prior to meeting my DF. I suggested it probably wasn't really my thing, so she binned them in a huff. She then binned her wedding album, and yet is someone that claims a monopoly on grief since my DF died.

So sorry words it’s crap.
Passing you cauldrons of Teflon. All I can suggest is plan a reward for after and perhaps play mental bullshit bingo when she comes out with a predicted phrase? One extra cream cake per point?
And try not to let her take up too much of your headspace. Hard, I know.

Teflon
Teflon
Teflon

Here you go @Words...a whole stack of Teflon.

I feel for you as my mum is not dissimilar.

I've brought a jigsaw round for us to do tonight but she's moaned about it cluttering up the dining table (which we only eat at on high days and holidays) and left me to get on with it.

Thanks for all the ideas everyone.

I hate to be that person when you've all contributed ideas so thoughtfully. All sensible and am sure of use to other readers.

But just to vent, and to further set the scene :

The only person who would be remotely interested in talking to her on FaceTime would be her former cleaner. But she has lots on her plate herself at the moment.

She would loathe me brushing her hair, and I am not allowed in her room because of the Covid regulations. Mind you, I'm not the sort to bustle around straightening the duvet or tidying her drawers, so don't mind that really.

She likes cats, so I talk about mine and show pictures but that always ends with 'oh I will never get over Dinky dying.' Dinky died back in the 80s. I have every sympathy with pet bereavement, by the way, every sympathy, but what do you do? I find it hard to forgive her for her reaction when I told her my beautiful beloved dog had died, ( having carefully chosen the time when I felt most resilient as I knew the response wouldn't be ideal. ) Unfortunately however,tears started to stream down my face. She just looked coldly at me and said things had been difficult recently for her, too.

She won't look at family photos . Unless they are extremely flattering pictures of her on her own she is not remotely interested. I took her wedding album once but even that was hard going at times. Ditto the odd object I saved from the house clearance. Not interested.

The virtual tours may actually work though Minty. She used to love Paris, so that might be good.

I will report back on Sunday.

Pass the Teflon

I'm reading these ideas with interest as I think I need to make an effort to do things with mum rather than being round there for emotional support while she whinges and moans and bollocks me for getting distracted by my phone, or we just sit watching repeats of The Chase.

Don't know how this would work for the other olds on this thread but I used this site earlier in the year and we did a virtual tour of the Eiffel Tower.

They have loads of options so you would probably be able to find something of interest, and it's free.

www.heygo.com/calendar

Words Can you FaceTime any surviving friend or relative that would be willing to talk for 15 mins and she can listen in. I FT my brother. It’s the only time I speak to him.

Maybe do something that you like or need to do? Take a map to plan a walk or a holiday, or a notebook and make to do lists, or a bunch of photos and an album, or an album and make captions? Then at least you get something done.

I'm off to see my mother on Sunday. They say she isn't quite herself after her hospital trip and is not eating as well as normal. Usually she has a good appetite so we will see what the situation is.

I do find these visits tough. Even before the Alzheimer's took hold, ( I say took hold, but her decline is very gradual so far) she was never easy to chat to, never asking questions about me or my life, or volunteering topics to talk about - except of course, delivering a string of commands or instructions. ' There is something I want you to do for me....'

Of course this is now even worse so it can be a bit of an uphill struggle - especially as I don't particularly have any interesting news either, with no family of my own - although I doubt she would display any interest if I did, Alzheimer's or no! She is not interested in the wider family, nor they in her, as she has alienated everyone apart from me over the decades. She has never really grasped what I do for a living either, so any chat about that is met with blank looks.

I thought I'd take my iPad and show her some pictures of my recent walking holiday ( desperate times!)

Does anyone have any other ideas to fill my half hour slot? Maybe I could engage her with a simple jigsaw or something ?

In other news from Casa Minty, my mum eventually remembered to message and let me know she was alive at 12.36 this afternoon.

Needless to say I'd forgotten the whole arrangement so that worked well .