Cockroach Cafe - newly refurbished for the summer

Yep, but you need to go to the new thread, as this one is nearly full. It's in the link above, we have a sunroom. 😁👆😎

Hello, can I join in? I've been signposted here by some lovely people who answered my thread about FIL breaking DH. I'm not a Bad Daughter, but I'm a Very Bad DIL and he's making us all very unhappy.

BestIsWest If you look on the bank's website or call them they will tell you what you need to take in, I think you need proof of your identify and proof of the donor's as well as the LPA itself.

@BurningTheToast When my DM had to go into residential care permanently it actually affected us all more than when she finally died. My DF in particular was incredibly depressed at first.

It worked out brilliantly though, within a few months all was well, DM was so well looked after by the fantastic staff, DF visited every day, but had the huge burden of worry lifted from him. She died peacefully in her sleep there 4 years later.

I hope it works out well for your MIL, whatever happens.

Cross post!

So I can just take the original LPA into Mum’s bank and show it to them? I tried to do it online with Santander earlier this year - painful.

I have been waving the finance LPA in the last couple of months, it's as Dint says in that you present it as needed. There was no common approach - make an appointment/can't make appointments, can do most of it on the phone, all has to be done in branch. The bank that does not offer appointments now because of covid and expects you to turn up and wait (breathing all the time) for an adviser to be free took three visits then a ten minute wait in a queue before opening time. When it's time to reinvest mum's money their approach to customer service will be considered - she'd have been taking her money out there and then, loudly.

@burningthetoast

It was words saying about ID & something I hadn't thought about & very important. My mil has neither passport or driving licence. Hmmm.

Yep, cup of tea definitely OT.

I have no idea about triggering the LPA, it nearly finished me organising it. I've also moved house & I think it's with the solicitors.

So much practical stuff here.

@Wombat49 Thanks for the phto ID tip. I'll pass that on to DH. He's looking at how to trigger the POA. Obviously we put the documents in a safe place and have since moved house twice...

@Knotaknitter Name tags! Thanks - hadn't crossed my mind. I have about a million Cash's ones from when DS was at school but I don't suppose she'll want those. I'll bring some photos from here as well as their place too.

Burningthetoast trivial packing stuff - name labels so she keeps her clothes, don't send her in with anything that won't go through the wash, get labels for her glasses and hearing aids if she uses them. Pack a few photos or trinkets to personalise the room.

We can't always have what we want, it's part of growing up to realise that. Maybe I want to walk on the moon but it's not going to happen. Hopefully MIL makes a massive improvement with the physio and FIL is restored and things can go back as they are with maybe a bit more support from paid assistants (garden, cleaning, carers) to future proof their setup. That's not going to be happening overnight and until then they need some support to be safe, even if they aren't happy about that.

For what it's worth I think respite is the right move and your husband must know this too, even if he feels guilt about it.

and cockroach Burning and all.

Your love comes through so strongly in that post.

Burning - that sounds like progress. It is a sad time, but it looks like respite care is the best solution for now.

wombat - yes, that's what I meant. Passport or driving license. Also if the birth certificate is missing, you can apply for a replacement online fairly easily.

Getting these things ready now will save extra stress later when there has been some sort of crisis and PoA needs to be triggered.

and cockroach all .

And things have changed again...

I think DH has realised that respite care is unavoidable because we need a break before FIL comes home and it will give us time to find carers etc. Anyway, he's talked to MIL and reassured her that it is only temporary and so on and she's agreed. She's not keen but she says she trusts DH and I to do what's best.

I managed to get hold of the manager of the home and he's outting things in motion for a Tuesday admission. I've done the PCR test for her and dropped off the sample so it's now just her packing to organise.

Going around and seeing some of the other residents and how frail MIL was, falling asleep and so on because the morning had already taken it out of her, having to have things repeated to her constantly, how she didn't really seem to be taking a lot of it in, made me realise that realistically she's at the stage she should really be in residential care on a permanent basis.

Talking to the manager and going through her medical needs and so on, I was very aware that she is declining. They're going to put plenty of physio in place to try and improve her mobility - she's never really regained it after a hip fracture at the beginning of lock down. And they're going to do a dementia assessment. When he gently suggested that it might be time to trigger the POA I nearly cried.

I feel better but so sad. I love my MIL; at times we've been closer than I am to my own DM. She gives the lie to every mother-in-law cliche and my first novel is dedicated to her. Making the decision with DH to move her into care, even temporarily, feels like a failure, especially as all she and FIL want is to be at home together.

But she'll be better there for a while and we can focus now and setting things in place for them to both come home and be together.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone here who's made practical suggestions and shared their own experiences. Having a space to work through all this has been - and will continue to be - such a comfort.

x a million

Ah, I've quoted the wrong post. Time to give up for the night! :-)

Excellent post.

Sorry about your ddog, memories of those times stay with you, I think. Clearly much loved.

Can I just say tho, how helpful it is to read everyone's experiences as otherwise I think we'd end up doing all the looking after on both sides.

I hope you don't mind me dipping in and out...

I have a MiL with a pretty bad dementia of some sort, no idea what as they've not had any form of assessment done. They moved nearby, we assumed for help but have picked up their previous life and we've barely seen them. Not been in the house or anything, initially because of the local lockdown rules but this has continued.

So some other family came to visit and have been royally entertained for the weekend and now my poor little brain is even more confused by the entire situation. I'm generally one to sort stuff out but I feel the need to leave well alone and I find that hard. My poor DH is quite bereft.

Already dreading Christmas but that's nothing new, as my side of the family is batshit, basically. The in-laws were always reliable, now it's all gone very strange indeed. I have my own DM telling me to get a grip!

This probably should be a post on its own but I don't really want it to be, just writing it is helpful.

I was thinking I was new to this but actually, it's probably been that long, if not longer with my DM.

Oh wow @BurningTheToast and @PermanentTemporary - you really are both in the midst of the storm, aren’t you? I was there 2 years ago. I vividly remember being on a best interests call and saying “let me be absolutely clear, I am NOT in a position to come and fix this if the return home fails” (mind you, I was “lucky” in that I’d just been treated for cancer, and had no issue in using that card!)

I should add that my grandma came to live with my family when I was about 12. I absolutely hated it, and promised myself I’d never do that to my children. It’s not just about what the elderly parent wants. Who said up thread about it being like children wanting a pony? - very wise and helpful, thank you

Visit to the care home was interesting. Really nice people, excellent inspection report, nice feel, if a tad boutique. For a long term option I think somewhere a bit cosier would be good. But we're talking respite - couple of weeks or so - and cosy can wait. And there is space, admission on Tuesday assuming PCR test is clear.

However, when we got home and discussed, she doesn't want to go. Didn't like it, wants to stay at home. No discussion.

headesk

Just went absolutely ballistic at the poor social worker who strongly implied that since it was too expensive for them to provide 1:1 supervision at the nursing home, I should 'do more' - like what? Apparently like spend more of the weekend there? Not sure what's supposed to happen at night or in the week- do I then move in to the nursing home? What happens to my son and my job and my house, not to mention my life, at this point?

The ward have simply lied about what she was doing, presumably to get her out. Secretly I'm grateful, as the manager of the home is nails. I do feel sorry for the social worker who is stuck between two furious women. Sorry, Alison, if you're on here, but I do wonder what you think should happen to my darling ds while I become an unpaid carer to an 87 year old who is smearing her shit up the wall.

Mum had the cup of tea test back after she had knee surgery, the assumption was that someone else would be getting her meals for her. At that time she was still fully independant, driving, baking her own bread, doing her own garden and doing all the other stuff that adults do. She was a fully active 86 and was affronted that all they thought she should be capable of was making a cup of tea. There were a few people who had their casual ageism dragged out for inspection and challenge and quite rightly so.

Burningthetoast it doesn't help if FIL is telling them that his wonderful family will do everything for him. MIL was discharged with no care package on several occasions because she airly said that her daughter in law was local, didn't work and would do everything for her. Said DIL was never asked about this and was rather resentful as she was holding up her own mother at the time.