Increasingly toxic situation, what can I do?

on one occasion recently my Dad called the police because my Mum had hit him

What happened as a result of this? Did the police attend? This should have been an immediate referral to Adult Safeguarding as a Vulnerable Adult - if the care agency are aware the situation is like this in the house they should have done this themselves but often don't

This situation is untenable and your parents are manipulating you into propping it up.

I'd suggest withdrawing as your child needs you and contacting Social Services reporting that your father is vulnerable due to being bedbound and having been hit by your mother. Get the professionals to sort it out.

They aren’t bothered about preserving your inheritance
Rrrrrr, I completely agree with your post and the spirit of what you say here, but would like to add that they are not concerned about preserving your inheritance for your benefit rather they want to use the prospect of an inheritance as a bauble to dangle in front of you to incentivise you to comply with their wishes and act in accordance with their interests.
The inheritance acts as a carrot to distract the donkey from the stick with which they are beating him or her🐴

You can’t keep going like this, your actions are having an impact on your daughter. She is seeing less of you because your parents are eating up all your energy.

And she is watching and learning from you all the time, as you prioritise your parents wishes over everything else, as you push your own life to the side to continue to enable your mum's drinking and your dad's need for distraction (and protection). Do you want her to learn that this is the right way to live? I don't believe for a minute that you'd want her to grow up to do what you are doing now. So you have to show her how you do want her to grow up. Children learn from what they see.

You need support to put boundaries up.
I know what you are going through. I sought help from a counsellor and it was absolutely brilliant for me.

Can you go to see a counsellor? You sound like you feel obligated towards your parents all the time. You can’t keep going like this, your actions are having an impact on your daughter. She is seeing less of you because your parents are eating up all your energy.

If you could seek support from a counsellor, your gp can recommend one for you, this will really help you to prioritise your young family.

What would happen if you got pregnant now and had to go on bed rest ? How would your parents manage? You need to act like this is a possibility as your own family need you too and this could go on for 20 years.

I know it’s hard for you but there is support there if you ask for it and it could change your life. The very best of wishes to you.

Looking in from the outside OP, I think the posters above have it right.

You are the adult only-child of an alcoholic parent. It sounds like you’ve been trained from childhood to accommodate your parents needs over your own. I know you don’t want to hear ill of your parents, but alcoholics and their enabling spouses can be deeply, deeply selfish, and it sounds like this is now amplified by the situation they find themselves in.

The fact that you so casually say that your mum hit your dad and he called the police makes me wonder what else you think is normal? I mean, that is a massive, massive red flag for me. Also, you say that your Mum ‘was’ an alcoholic and is currently drinking in secret and - presumably- behaving erratically. That means she is an alcoholic and her illness is continuing to impact their lives, and her ability to care for your dad.

As a pp asks, what is your role here? What do the carers do for your dad - presumably personal care like washing, dressing etc. What about the shopping / cooking / housework? What about life admin - paying the bills etc? Are you basically providing distraction and entertainment for them?

It sounds really tough, and you’ve had a lifetime of being trained into the role of peacemaker between them. But they don’t get to dump the consequences of their own poor choices on you - unless you keep letting them.

OP sorry to be so harsh but -

Your parents won’t be around forever but neither will you and no one knows just how long their lifespan is.
My friend aged 60 has just had the funeral for his 97 year old father - the same father whose health was failing from his early sixties, hadn’t much longer left but frankly ruined his kids youth and middle age by making them run around after him constantly.
Hard though it is to contemplate do not waste your youth and precious family time running around after your stubborn parents. You don’t get those years back.
Their options are social services assessment, then live in carers or sheltered accommodation. You must scale back your input significantly for the sake of your own family.

PS They aren’t bothered about preserving your inheritance. The truth is people become very selfish when they get older - they just want things to continue as they are …

This isn’t fair on your husband and child OP. It’s ridiculous tbh.

Time to get tougher. Your parents will have to manage or accept help. And address the work situation too You come across as lovely ...but a doormat.

Interesting - I wonder what the grounds are and which legislation they are using.

they are going through the process of forcing her into care - SSD cannot do this without her consent, or with a section in place under the Mental Health Act.

This is a common dilemma - I was a SW and I can assure that often we had no powers to do what seemed the right thing.

I'm also struck by this comment: I work in a professional job and even working part time I am doing 50 hours per week. There is no way you should be doing 25% more than full time hours on part time pay. I don't know about the sensitivities of your employment position, but this is not a situation that should continue.

Something that can help is framing it in such a way that they are heroic for accepting help, rather than for battling on.

You want them to think
'We've decided to get more help/move to supported living because little Starry's daughter needs her'
Instead of
'We're bravely managing here with the minimum of help, we don't want to be a burden, we'll manage staying here in the home we've always had' etc...

My MIL refused carers. She expected her kids to cook/clean/garden/entertain so they got SS involved.
You need to use words like at risk and vulnerable.
Because she had early Alzheimer’s and had been prescribed a certain drug, she needed someone to watch her take it, but she refused to take it and have carers. That’s when SS got involved and forced carers on her. The whole situation continued to deteriorate despite carers twice a day.
We are 4 years down the line now and SS are doing what they should have done in the first place, they are going through the process of forcing her into care.

This sounds very stressful for you, and also high risk for them.

Imagine for a minute that something happens to you and you're hospitalised, in a coma, whatever - you basically can't do anything for them. Who will pick up the pieces?

You need to work towards getting enough support in place so that it doesn't all fall to you. Then mebbe you will be able to actually enjoy the time you have left with them better as well.

The other day my Dad complained we had only called for 20 minutes as my daughter ended up going to bed early as she was tired. I think they have just totally lost sight of the fact I have my own life, to the point I feel guilty about doing anything for myself
If you allow them they will consume you completely and then clamber over your withered body to find someone else to look after them

You are really caught between a rock and a hard place at the moment, but this comment really stood out for me:
on one occasion recently my Dad called the police because my Mum had hit him
What happened? What action did the police take? If they are arguing to the point that she is becoming physically aggressive towards him then that cannot be allowed to continue. He is in an incredibly vulnerable situation.

You were not born to pay your parents back for raising you. You’re not obligated to care for them every weekend
this

This must be very stressful and has to stop, I am also surprised that you say social services are no help. Tbh it sounds as if your df needs to be placed in a nursing home, certainly not supported living as that is for more physically able people.

What exactly are you doing for them? Df has his carers, dm doesn't sound as if she needs them. An hour a day on FaceTime? There every weekend? Doing what? Just entertaining them?

I'm sorry but really this is wildly abnormal and detrimental to your own child and marriage. Identify what you are doing and cut down on it. FaceTime every other day (what on earth do you talk about???) visit every other weekend, whatever.

I get it. My dad deteriorated badly after my mum's death and I, like you, lived two hours away and had a full time job and a child. I wasn't going as often as you, but it was a huge strain. I am also an only child and social services often just assume family members live round the corner.

You must make yourself, as well as your daughter, a higher priority. This isn't much of a life for you. You say you'll always be there for your daughter, but this could go on for years yet and her toddler years will have disappeared. Not fair on either of you.

It's very common for elderly parents to insist that they don't want help, they don't want to move etc and you then feel unable to disagree. That's all very well - I know this sounds harsh but honestly, I've been there - but they can't see that it's asking too much. They imagine they don't need as much help as they do. But they do. I came round in time to the idea that I was actually doing right by my dad in making him accept carers and so on, because he couldn't make the best decisions for himself anymore (dementia) so it was my duty to do that for him. It's still guilt inducing but it's what is better for everyone. Your parents aren't happy with their life now, are they? So even if they say they'll be unhappy if things change, at least they'd be safe, clean and cared for. They may in time accept it more happily too than you think.

You have more power here than you think. You can and must cut down the running around. Tell them your daughter needs you more and you'll keep up a certain level of contact but they have to listen and take your ideas on board about better care for them. If they won't compromise, you'll have to leave them to sort themselves out because it will make you ill otherwise.

Call social services again. They are primed to fob you off. You will need to be very persistent and insist that they cannot manage, you're not local and their safety is at risk. Arrange a new assessment. If they have savings above around £14'K they'll have to pay, but if they own the house they can stay in it without saving to sell. This is why assisted living is a good option as @ticktock19 said. Near you would be good - start researching places and be super persuasive about how nice they'll be, how when they're down the road you'll be able to pop in so easily with DD.

Happy to talk about this more. I do really understand the guilt you feel. My parents were lovely people too.

What help do you think your parents need? Is it practical help with caring for your dad and general housework or is it the emotional support of someone else for them to talk to ? The current carers won't have time to do much other than deal with your dad's hygiene. There are private care agencies everywhere that provide an array of services such as housekeeping and companions. Would it help if you got a "housekeeper" in every day? You'd need to discuss the situation with the care agency so they know the score and get the right staff. To get them a foot in the door, you could tell mum and you won't be available for 4 weeks - holiday/training course/other excuse,and it would put your mind at rest if there were someone coming in to help with the heavy housework,tell mum it's absurd she is trying to keep up with that as well as caring for dad. I recommend you have a phone malfunction so you can't FaceTime for that 4 weeks too and any phone calls go to your husband.It should help your nerves knowing that there is a responsible adult spending time with them each day.Going forward it might help with the phone calls if you have something practical to discuss. I had success doing the online grocery shop . You can stretch this to three phone calls a week. Another trick with phone calls is to call at random times for short periods with a piece of information - e.g. first thing in the morning reminding them of the grocery delivery slot. You have my deepest sympathy. Lots of children wind up spending 20 hours a week simply arranging and emotionally supporting tractable parents who live nearby.

@starryeyed13

This is a hard truth.

You were not born to pay your parents back for raising you. You’re not obligated to care for them every weekend. Of course we look after our parents because we love them. but it can’t be at the expense of your well-being and that of your child.

Your child comes first. If they are against a live in nurse or carer then they will have to do it on their own.

What is going to happen is that you’re going to run yourself down to the ground so you won’t be able to even look after your own child.

It might not work with your parents but I did tell my parents that once they become unable to care for themselves they will live with me or one of my siblings and our families or they can have a live in nurse. But they will not be living unassisted and on their own at all once they can’t look after themselves. I wasn’t asking them and my siblings and I all agreed that we aren’t asking them. We made the decision and if they did not want to live with one of us the only option was a live in 24/7 nurse. But they will not be living on their own once they cannot look after themselves. This is far away for
My parents, but my siblings and I were less willing to give options. They have only 2. And there is no negotiating on that. No one allowed to say we don’t want this form of care. Sometimes adult children have to make the decision for elderly parents. I think you might be in that position here. You’re going to have to make the decision for them.

Your parents are unable to care for themselves, so you have to find a solution. And that very well could mean they have a live in nurse. They aren’t in any position to turn down help as they can’t look after themselves any longer.

I know you want to be kind and fair. But you have to be kind and fair to yourself. Just reading what you are doing made me exhausted.

You must create some space for yourself and your husband and child. They are your first responsibility.

You are () unfortunately enabling your parents to stay in a toxic situation.

You need to establish what you can do- visit every other weekend, Saturday morning to Sunday evening. You and your DH could take turns FaceTiming with your dd and them. Work out a sustainable package- this is a marathon not a sprint. Explain to them you love them and will visit regularly but are making yourself ill and unhappy so must do things differently.

And then stick to it. There will be emergencies. You must let them happen so they can sort it out. They need to accept other arrangements are inevitable and plan those changes instead of relying on you to help them stave it off.

I am surprised that social services have been of no help. They are both "vulnerable adults" and as such entitled to a proper assessment of their needs and advice as to how these might be met. SSD cannot simply have nothing to offer - that is not an option. The fact that your parents might have to pay for their own care because of the extent of their assets is irrelevant. They still have a duty to ensure your parents have adequate care.

If they are refusing care on the grounds that you will lose your inheritance, this makes things difficult. You need to be totally clear with them that you are finding it hard to cope with the worry of them not having care as well as bringing up your baby. Tell them that refusing care is making your life miserable - lay it on the line. Do not protect them from this reality. If you do they will have an excuse to still refuse care.

Having said that I have to warn you that live-in care is usually pretty unsatisfactory - do not believe the agencies' rosy stories.

If they will not play ball, then you have to prioritise - your baby will change by the minute and both you and baby will miss out. Tell your parents this - tell them you love them and want to do your best for them but that you need them to cut you a bit of slack and let you enjoy your baby's early years.

Hard, I know, but you do them no favours by protecting them from reality.

This is an intolerable situation for all of you.
Your priority must be your daughter and husband as they are your future.
Your parents are being completely unreasonable in their demands on you .
There has to be compromise either with a live in carer or they need to live closer to you .
This can’t go on and I really, really feel for you but you are far too young to be spending these specials years as a new mum caring for your parents in such an intensive way. Good luck x