Took Dad to a care home yesterday. Today he has asked me to take him home.

Is there an option for him to go to a Local Authority extra care flat? My mum moved from a nursing home to an extra care flat that has a carers' office downstairs. It's not just for elderly people. People are there for all sorts of reasons. My mum has her independence, but as well as having a number of arranged calls every day (she's paralysed down one side after a stroke so needs full personal care and meals prepared/shopping done etc) she can call them any time 24/7 as they're just downstairs.

I'm not local to her, but my brother is, and needs to do very little other than visit her.

Step back. Don't answer the phone. Give him social services number for any 'emergencies' and wait for the crisis.

your situation.

It is a shame that he's back home again, but it must be hard for you.

We will have this at some point. My mum has dementia, dad is not coping well and both are reistant to either getting help or moving to a care home. It is inevitable that a care home is in my mum's future and I am furious with my dad that he keeps feeding such a negative view of them to my mum. I imagine that I will be in our situation in a few months/years op.

Would he consider a housing place where he has his own flat - usually a bedroom, bathroom, sitting room and kitchen- own front door etc but there is care in the building for when he needs it. My aunt and uncle moved into a place like this and loved it. They had their privacy, space, belongings but help on hand.
There was a communal lounge, a garden and they had games evenings, trips out etc but if you didn't want to go no one got upset. He could come and go from the building as he pleased, did their own shopping and cooking and my aunt, who needed some care, had that available. After she died he stayed and as he began to struggle the carers were there to help him- baths, did his laundry, helped him dress, made sure he had meals and took his meds.
It was really nice actually.

Settling into a care home is hard enough at the best of times, but being isolated in his room? For how long?

It couldn't be a worse time for someone to go into a home. Especially if they don't have dementia. I can't imagine what it must be like for new residents. They're basically prisoners in their rooms.

The problem is that now it's gone wrong, he's not going to give it another go. And why would he? I wouldn't.

Yeah your right spa, says she can manage on her own, she can whilst she’s well, but there only seems to be a few week between illnesses these days. I won’t be doing anymore than I already do.

Doodle i totally get it, My mum has poor vision too owing to wet macular, and is constantly asking to go back to the hospital, but because she has short term memory loss forgets she’s been then the whole thing starts again. It is the most difficult thing.
The worst thing is there’s no one to take over, I’m an only one, and sounds like you don’t have any support either. We have just just had a holiday though and she was fine, lonely but fine.
I feel guilty all the time, I know I shouldn’t, but then if I devoted more time to mum I’d feel guilty about not being there for my DH and grandchildren , can’t win . As I tell mum I try to be fair to everyone, I’m 64 and still working part time too, so no time for me.
Mum complains bitterly about the answer phone and has now stopped leaving messages, her choice I ring back like you when I’m ready with the same excuses as you. She has an alarm to press if it’s an emergency anyway, everything else can wait a while.

Mums  always threatening  to cancel her carers, and I think she probably will soon, ive told her it’s madness she’s 90. 🙈 
   If they won’t accept help and still have the capacity to make their own decisions, there’s really nothing you can do only watch and wait.

Mums issue is she is visually impaired so she can't really do much by herself but wants to continue doing everything she did when dad was alive. I took her to a hospital appt recently and she could only make out the top 3 words on the chart. Even I was shocked. Anyway the nurse asked if we wanted referred to the RNIB. She said no and I nodded that we did. Mum agreed eventually but when the woman phoned her she said she was fine, needed no help. The RNIB woman phoned me and said there's nothing they can do if she says she doesn't need help. She's doesn't want the so called authorities to find out her issues and so she denies having issues. Of course until she has a letter she wants me to read or a phone call to make or an appt to take her to. Or groceries to order etc etc etc. Many many appts. Yes the hospital let's me in with her. It's difficult if her sight was better I could say get a taxi without feeling guilty. The RNIB offered a volunteer to take her shopping. She refused. She doesn't want a stranger taking her shopping. Why would I want that she said? She won't try anything that will help her or make less work for us. I don't even think she realises the stress she causes. Mum never worked and has no friends. My brothers hundreds of miles away. It's not easy but once a week is okay for me and the answering machine takes her phone calls and I answer them when I'm ready. At least then I'm forewarned about what her issues are. Mum always asks where I've been and my default answer is gardening or out a walk. If you are not answering your phone you have your excuse, you are not in. Make yourself less available would be my advice.

Oh spa I do feel for you. Do what you need to whilst the Carer’s are away, but make sure your dad understands you won’t be able to go everyday. I went got Mums shopping yesterday and paid a couple of bills, spoke to the DR today about some new medication, phoned mum to tell her she said what time will you be coming ,I just said not today mum I came yesterday, tried to stayed cheerful on the phone. She rings twice a day, but I keep those short and pleasant.
He will get used to it eventually. If he’s not coping could you have more care visits up to 4 a day here in my area. Would he be able to go to a day centre. Sometimes they have volunteers that pick them up. I’m going to broach this with my mum especially for during the winter. Good luck let us know how your getting on.

Will it be easier when the carers restart next week? You said earlier you were going to have a discussion with him around finding a solution that worked for both of you. Perhaps you need to think what that could be, what you can do without it being too much for you. Set your limits so to speak. I read somewhere that you should only do what you can do with love and not do any more as that causes resentment. I think that's a good way to look at it. I see my mother once a week, she phones a lot but I try and stick to once a week unless it's an emergency, even then that counts as the weekly visit. As regards a holiday if you want one you should book it. I understand the "no one asked me" comment. My mother has just booked 2 hospital appointments that she did the chasing for. They didn't chase her. Then she announces the dates to the only person that's there to take her, ie me. I have an appt the day of one of them so I've told her that's a non starter. She says she will think of something?? Yes she thinks I will work it out. No one can fix old age but the old person has to help. Your dad didn't want the nursing home so it's up to him to make it work and cooperate. Book your break and go, especially if the carers are back next week. Is all this affecting your husband and son? Did your father have a caring role when younger? My parents did no caring and said they had a life to lead when they were asked to do caring. Odd that dont you think? That helps me see the reality and become that bit harder with my boundaries.

Sorry it's not working out OP

Would he consider a 'retirement village' type option?

Re meals on Wheels, my council provide them to anyone who asks, they deliver a hot meal every day and you can also opt for a 'tea' to be delivered at the same time, that's a sandwich, a biscuit or cake and fruit.

They also supply people in adjoining areas within a 4 mile radius.

I've used them when I have not been well enough to cook and they are OK, not fancy posh food but filling and the puds are good.

They are fairly flexible as long as you order / cancel before 9am on the day of delivery.

There are 4 options of what you might call British food, 2 meat, 1 fish, 1 veg on a two week rota, then there are 2 Asian options, one meat one veg and a Caribbean option.

Does your dad have a social worker? It might be worth contacting the council to see what is available apart from carers, some places have volunteers who make phone calls to people who may be lonely (not saying your dad is) and there might be support for you as a carer.

Sorry it hasn't worked out but as he is mentally able it's very difficult to argue. There's nothing stopping the morning carers leaving lunch for him to have later is there? I would still do a weekly shop and the finances. Do you have POA? Very important to get that in place if not. Can you cut your visits to every 2 or 3 days? Then he can have his lunch the way he likes it on those days. But you're right to start cutting back. At the moment respite is a bit awkward due to isolating but worth thinking about for a couple of days every now and then? This way he could be 'eased' into long term care. Good luck, you deserve a break.

So he won’t expect to see you everyday?

You can get meals delivered by other companies not just the council meals on wheels service.

About 40% of councils still do meals on wheels. Worth looking into if you’re one of the lucky ones. As well as the meal, it’s someone extra to alert you if things aren’t right

Have you looked into meals on wheels provided by the Council, you don’t have to have them everyday but it might help give you a few days off doing lunches each week.

My Mum was in a nursing home for 6 years, although she was looked after quite well, it’s not for everyone.

Oh Spa so sorry it hasn’t worked out. This is what I fear would happen with my mum and as I said she’s living in a council flat so wouldn’t have long to make her mind up. At least it seems he’s realising you need your time and space, just make sure things don’t slip back, to how they were. It’s so hard, I’ve been unwell this week, and missed one of my days to visit mum, she rang, barely asked how I was, just got on her high horse about how she thinks the hospital have forgotten about her, they haven’t, but she has short term memory loss so can’t remember they told her she doesn’t need to go anymore. Then went on to tell me she’s pig sick and nobody cares. 🙄 Made me feel so much better 😡

Hmm not what people want to hear - but ime care homes tend to be mainly populated by those with dementia. And yes, care homes will ‘lie’ to get your business.
Can you supplement his carers with a companion sitter? Age concern or a village good neighbours group maybe able to help. Quite often they were volunteers. It might help to just take the pressure of you if he does go back home.
When mil was at home, and I was her carer, the local council had a scheme which I signed up to. Basically, you gave them all the details raising your loved one and they gave you a tag (I put it on my keys). In an accident/emergency they would provide three free days of care and help with sourcing additional care for mil, should the three days not be enough.
Perhaps use a care home as respite care in future whilst you have a proper break/holiday. One day he may like it and stay.

Great post from sashh. I just want to suggest filling in a this is me form and sending it to the home.

It's a form designed for the families of people with Dementia to fill in but in the case of your DF, it might help the staff to know more about him and help him to settle more quickly.

One of the things I am so grateful my grandmother did was to say, from the day she was 60, that if she needed to be in a care home we (family) should make her go.

In the end she went for 2 weeks while the council were fitting a new bathroom and bedroom and then stayed long term.

Talk tot he staff, both my grandmothers were in care homes for a while and it is the staff that make the place.

My father's mother had her nails done by the staff and some came to her funeral.

My mother's mother thrived in a care home. She often didn't eat or told carers to just make her a sandwich (and fetch brandy from the shop, but that's another story ) but in the care home she was sat at a table with other people and offered a choice of hot meal.

It's horrible when a parent is upset but he needs to give it more time.

I repeat, talk to the staff, is he in the habit of getting up early? If the staff don't know his usual routine then they can't match it but if they know then they can try so if he likes to be out of bed at 6am they can help him do that.

Does he know what activities are available after quarantine? Is there something he would enjoy? My grandmother had options of wine and cheese tasting and trips out to the seaside they also had a film night.

He might have some ideas of things he'd like to take part in.

When you visit can you do a zoom meeting type look around?

Has he got his own things around him? One of my grandmothers took some furniture with her.

Check out the room, could it be set out better? One grandmother we asked to move the bed so she could see out the window (she was paralyzed from the waist down by this point).

Is he still able to do things like make a pot of tea? If he is safe to then his own kettle in his room might be an idea.

I hope your visit goes well and he is more settled.